InsaneJane
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2010
- Messages
- 94
and it hurts. so bad. this is my first christmas since i tried using crack in september. i havnt seen my family since i went into treatment for anorexia. i thought someone, family, friend, people, anyone, might notice im messed up and ask me whats wrong and id admit i have a problem and need help and theyd help me get help but instead
i keep calling asking to come home, but they just forget me. they dont know anything about drugs. only the eating disorder.
I came out of the hospital in september at a healthy 105lbs, but had no one around. I relapsed quickly, sgot to 75lbs and started smoking crack regularly in october-november-ish. I went to prostituting since i cant go back to my ballet career plus i dont give a sh*t anyway i guess.
Im just passing time untill i die not like anyone will notice for a couple weeks.
This is what its like to be a crackwhore. It wouldnt hurt so much if they knew this was what ive become, at least then I could understand it and blame the drugs.
Im not even smoking crack or blowing lines im just sitting here crying staring at drugs in between bouts of sticking my head in the toilet to throw up whatever will come out.
merry fukkin christmas
Why dont they think of me? Its christmas. I sent dozens of cards to all my family and I only got one back- from my one of my friends moms. I spent months shopping and planning for christmas i thought for sure id at least see them for christmas. ...baked 3 different kinds of cookies, and brownies- everyones individual faves, in christmas tins and all wrapped with handmade tags and bullshit. No one cares. not even a text message. should have just bought more drugs maybe something to make me forget who i am....need some psychotic delusions or something but crying too hard for the past several hours to even light up or snort a line cant take life anymore
and its not going to be ok or get better or work out in the end or anything else because ive been telling myself that every year for 20 years or as long as i can remember and its only getting worse and worse nothing even works in my body anymore but it wont let me out just trapped and tortured
i keep calling asking to come home, but they just forget me. they dont know anything about drugs. only the eating disorder.
I came out of the hospital in september at a healthy 105lbs, but had no one around. I relapsed quickly, sgot to 75lbs and started smoking crack regularly in october-november-ish. I went to prostituting since i cant go back to my ballet career plus i dont give a sh*t anyway i guess.
Im just passing time untill i die not like anyone will notice for a couple weeks.
This is what its like to be a crackwhore. It wouldnt hurt so much if they knew this was what ive become, at least then I could understand it and blame the drugs.
Im not even smoking crack or blowing lines im just sitting here crying staring at drugs in between bouts of sticking my head in the toilet to throw up whatever will come out.
merry fukkin christmas
Why dont they think of me? Its christmas. I sent dozens of cards to all my family and I only got one back- from my one of my friends moms. I spent months shopping and planning for christmas i thought for sure id at least see them for christmas. ...baked 3 different kinds of cookies, and brownies- everyones individual faves, in christmas tins and all wrapped with handmade tags and bullshit. No one cares. not even a text message. should have just bought more drugs maybe something to make me forget who i am....need some psychotic delusions or something but crying too hard for the past several hours to even light up or snort a line cant take life anymore
and its not going to be ok or get better or work out in the end or anything else because ive been telling myself that every year for 20 years or as long as i can remember and its only getting worse and worse nothing even works in my body anymore but it wont let me out just trapped and tortured
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