Im a bloody crackwhore but nobody cares enough to notice

[InsaneJane]

and it hurts. so bad. this is my first christmas since i tried using crack in september. i havnt seen my family since i went into treatment for anorexia. i thought someone, family, friend, people, anyone, might notice im messed up and ask me whats wrong and id admit i have a problem and need help and theyd help me get help but instead

i keep calling asking to come home, but they just forget me. they dont know anything about drugs. only the eating disorder.


I came out of the hospital in september at a healthy 105lbs, but had no one around. I relapsed quickly, sgot to 75lbs and started smoking crack regularly in october-november-ish. I went to prostituting since i cant go back to my ballet career plus i dont give a sh*t anyway i guess.

Im just passing time untill i die not like anyone will notice for a couple weeks.

This is what its like to be a crackwhore. It wouldnt hurt so much if they knew this was what ive become, at least then I could understand it and blame the drugs.

Im not even smoking crack or blowing lines im just sitting here crying staring at drugs in between bouts of sticking my head in the toilet to throw up whatever will come out.

merry fukkin christmas

Why dont they think of me? Its christmas. I sent dozens of cards to all my family and I only got one back- from my one of my friends moms. I spent months shopping and planning for christmas i thought for sure id at least see them for christmas. ...baked 3 different kinds of cookies, and brownies- everyones individual faves, in christmas tins and all wrapped with handmade tags and bullshit. No one cares. not even a text message. should have just bought more drugs maybe something to make me forget who i am....need some psychotic delusions or something but crying too hard for the past several hours to even light up or snort a line cant take life anymore

and its not going to be ok or get better or work out in the end or anything else because ive been telling myself that every year for 20 years or as long as i can remember and its only getting worse and worse nothing even works in my body anymore but it wont let me out just trapped and tortured

 

[OverDone]

i wish I had some wise words to throw your way but, at this point, hon please look into going back to treatment. Fuck everyone else. They don't matter. You, on the other hand do matter. You matter a fucking lot.

you don't need to feel like this anymore

 

[InsaneJane]

Id go back to treatment today if I had that option. Ive exhausted all my resources. Been in and out of (eating disorder) treatment since I was 13. They said that I am unlikely to make any further improvement because I also have ocd which interferes in my ability to participate in things like group therapy. I asked my GP a few times about drug treatment. Shes been forgetting referrals for months. No one cares about crackwhores, there are people who better deserve their time.

ETA- thank you for replying though. Still helps, even if i cant get treatment right now. Helps that you took the time. Sorry for my stupid tantrum :/

 

[paranoid android]

You have to want to quit crack and get better from anorexia for yourself not for anyone else and this includes family. Noone can make you quit you have to want to and thats it. It is nice to have atleast someone for some support though i gotta admit that.

What do you mean your family forgets about you? They won't return your calls or what? If they won't atleast call you up and check to see if your ok or atleast alive then your better off without the likes of them in my opinion. With friends or in this case family like that who needs enemies . Actually now that i think of it the people we consider to be our enemies rarely hurt us now do they? I mean if you hate someone and dispise them they can't very well make you feel bad about yourself now can they? I guess thats why the ones we love hurt us far more then anyone who we hate, dislike or are completely indifferent too ever could. It's because we actually care alot about what the people who are really close to us think while the people who we regard as enemies or whatever we don't value their opinion at all so it is actually impossible for them to really hurt us.

You should care about being addicted to crack and being a anorexic and that is enough. At the end of the day the only people we have to answer to is ourselves and thats not always a easy thing. So get some kind of help for your problems because you care about yourself and away ta fuck with everyone else.

 

[bangthosedrugs]

Ok, how old are you?

I know in TO it's hard to get treatment. This city acts like we don't have drug users or others with emotional disorders.

If it's any consolation a FOAF is in treatment for anorexia. She got down to like 70 lbs and was close to dying. She's doing better but it did take her family pushing like fucking crazy to get her into the system.

No matter how much it will hurt your family (hey, fuck their feelings right? it's you now that needs help, not them) tell them you're addicted and on your last ropes. They can't help you with problems they don't know about.

 

[InsaneJane]

Its easy to say that, but spending months in hospital, on a locked ward with no autonomy whatsoever (its litterally worse than jail, but since its voluntary to be there human rights dont apply) this includes when where what how and with whom to eat drink sleep talk sit stand, even use the washroom. My bathroom was locked 24 hours/7days week for 6 weeks and someone had to unlock it and watch me while i was in there in case i tried to throw up, i wasnt allowed outside at all with the other girls because i wasnt sleeping, they forced me to take seroquel 5 times/day and changed the dose and added other things such as risperidone, and accidently pulled me off the 12mg of clonazepam i was on, which set off seizures- this happened over a long weekend because the psychiatrist went on vacation and forgot to write my orders. I was made to sit at the table during these seizures and the withdrawl and was asked questions about my lack of participation in groups. I snapped and tried to leave. I was kicked out a week later despite 100% co-operation on things i could control. My family didnt even call or visit on my birthday. Spent it alone in hospital. i have no friends because the closest i ever came to living a normal life for my age was dancing proffessionally. Ballerinas arent social butterflies. Normally I would be perfoming Nutcracker today and not concerned with family or crack or the milk i ingested in my coffee a few hours ago. anyway what im saying is that when no one cares what happens to you its hard to convince yourself it matters no matter how much you wish you believed it

 

[paranoid android]

Id go back to treatment today if I had that option. Ive exhausted all my resources. Been in and out of (eating disorder) treatment since I was 13. They said that I am unlikely to make any further improvement because I also have ocd which interferes in my ability to participate in things like group therapy. I asked my GP a few times about drug treatment. Shes been forgetting referrals for months. No one cares about crackwhores, there are people who better deserve their time.

ETA- thank you for replying though. Still helps, even if i cant get treatment right now. Helps that you took the time. Sorry for my stupid tantrum :/

Are you getting any treatment for your OCD? Therapy and medications can work very well to treat OCD in many people. I used to know a guy that had bad OCD but after abit of therapy and finding a medication that worked for him he got the better of it. Last time i talked to him he was still getting abit of it but it was not affecting his life anymore. Your GP should treat you for that as well as the anorexia and your cocaine addiction. You picked a real bad drug to get hooked on thats for sure because cocaine can cause OCD like symptoms in people who don't even have it. Hell since cocaine is so compulsive especially when smoked in crack form or worse IVed it is a compulsion in and of itself.

As for you saying that noone cares about crack whores this is false. Sure some people don't care and alot even look down on prostitutes and drug addicts of all types because they have the impression that they are somehow better then people who engage in such activities. These people are nothing but snobby cunts who are not worth the time of day and really if anyone should be looked down upon it is them. What purpose do judemental people serve anyway besides driving most people blood pressure up? But the point im getting at is many people do care and don't judge people just because they are prostitutes or drug addicts. I certainly wuld never look down on anyone for being a hooker, crack head or whatever. People are people and we all have both good and bad in us it is as simple as that really. Although some people do seem to have a hell of alot more bad then good in them and these are often the people that try to judge the likes of us.

If your GP is being judgemental towards you or treating you any different then any other patient because you happen to be a prostitute then i highely suggest you not only get another GP but you should report the one you have for not providing you with proper medical treatment.

 

[JustaChippa]

Please take the above advice & go back into treatment! You are a precious child of God, and you need to get well. If you were my daughter, I'd drive you there myself, regardless of Christmas plans or anything else. Indeed, my own daughter WAS addicted to crack, and made some poor lifestyle choices as a result. She got clean, and has a new lease on life. You can, too. Seriously. There IS life out there!

Please let us know how you make out. We care.

 

[InsaneJane]

Im in Canada. Had treatment in the US before, but cant get funded again. I tried last year. Im 26. I attempted to tell my family a couple of times- was hoping to tell them over the holidays. I know its christmas but i never see them. They dont usually give me a chance to talk or anything. I was kinda thinking id just light up a pipe at the dinner table (haha that right there made me feel better, yeahhh im passive aggressive). They didnt notice the eating disorder, OCD, or anything else i did or didnt do when i was growing up so its unlikely to change now. It took my school over 2 years to convince my mom to get me tretment for the eating back in grade 8. They told her I had lost my periods and she didnt know I had started them back in grade 6. So this is the kind of thing Id be baning my head against. Mostly Im just sad. I know I cant change it but it still hurts. Thanks for your posts. It honestly helps way more than you know. I mean....I walk to the mail box and everyone stares at the ground so they dont have to acknowledge me. Crackwhore. I was in the national ballet 2 years ago, you know? They mean it when they say it can happen to you

 

[InsaneJane]

RE: OCD treatment- I started to. CBT, exposure therapy, meds etc. But I have to get to/maintain a certain BMI before they say medication or CBT can be effective ...so much red tape. It sounds like im making excuses but this is honestly what i keep getting told. anorexia = cant do ocd treatment. ocd= cant do ed treatment

 

[InsaneJane]

Please take the above advice & go back into treatment! You are a precious child of God, and you need to get well. If you were my daughter, I'd drive you there myself, regardless of Christmas plans or anything else. Indeed, my own daughter WAS addicted to crack, and made some poor lifestyle choices as a result. She got clean, and has a new lease on life. You can, too. Seriously. There IS life out there!

Please let us know how you make out. We care.

How did she get clean? I keep getting the run around

 

[bangthosedrugs]

Do you have any supplementary health insurance or private policies or anything I haven't thought of that might provide a means for treatment?

 

[InsaneJane]

Do you have any supplementary health insurance or private policies or anything I haven't thought of that might provide a means for treatment?

Im in Canada, we have socialized health care here so treatment is all one big lottery. Long waiting lists, limited resources, bandaid approach which results in revolving door syndrome

 

[bangthosedrugs]

Im in Canada, we have socialized health care here so treatment is all one big lottery. Long waiting lists, limited resources, bandaid approach which results in revolving door syndrome

Tell me about it. That doesn't mean it's impossible, just hard to get it going.

The girl I mentioned earlier , the one with anorexia, is from Richmond Hill, just north of where you say you are. I knew her family and I'm not giving anything away by mentioning they have no special health plans either but got her into treatment.

Did you get out for walk today? It's not bad out, no biting wind or cold and it's a chance to think a bit while you're walking.

 

[InsaneJane]

^
Im not trying to say that I CANT EVER get into treatment, only that Iits not as simple as saying "ok im ready, i want help". Ive done that, been talking to my doctor about it every visit- ntm, those are getting difficult to come by also, lately- since october. Shes said each time she will put in the referral for me but its never done for one reason or another or none at all. After the referral goes through Ill wait for a consult/asessment, then wait to get a bed. Its not like I can go walk in to some ranch or resort tomorrow and assume everything is going to turn out. My ramble above wasnt intended to suggest that I believe treatment will always be disasterous and futile. I was simply trying to illustrate how much Ive put up with just to be in treatment of anykind at all. It wasnt fun but I went through it despite all the adversity and lack of family support. Like I mentioned, our healthcare system is underfunded and doesnt provide a thorough treatment. Its a bandaid. Get in apply pressure stop the bleeding go home and do the following. It doesnt tend to go well. Relapse is a huge risk and a further deterrent to even being treated in the first place.


So now that its clear Im not opposing rehab, unless you have tangeable specific information, Im going to have to take a break from the issue. I still appreciate the encouragement to seek help and get well, its just too draining to try and explain everything today
^^
I havnt been outside in a couple days Im absolutely frozen, and I cant walk that far without getting light headed and dizzy anyway. Pretty depressing

 

[slowpoke1967]

well sorry to hear about yer plight ,,i dont ussualy read most posts ,,yours just stood out so i read it ..
Im just gonna say what i say happend to me,,back when i had to get treetment the one way i got in quiker was to voluntarily admit myself to a detox center and then have a couple people come over to 12 step me ,,and that led to getting me in the clinic faster,,,and if ya wanna realy get clean it will work just follow the rules ,,there are stupid ones like if ya walk out of a meeting yer kicked out ,,,even if you tell them rite away im sorry i just had a bad attack from like being passive agresive manic depressive ,,theyll still just kick you out because it one of there rules ,,so if you can get in just do yer best to try and follow there rules and everything else will follow,,please get some help ...look into getting into a detox center they ussuly take you in rite away and begin detox and will even help if you need meds to try and come down from the drugs ...im so sorry to hear this on xmas ,,its very sad ,,but please do yer best ,,im not the praying type but i will pray for you to get help,,,peace be with you ,,and i realy hope you can get some help...JR..

 

[Lolie]

If nothing else it sounds like you need a new GP - one who can make getting you specialist help a priority.

I'm uncertain what you mean by "I kept calling asking to come home, but they just forgot me". Could you explain that a bit more? It doesn't sound like anyone said that you couldn't go home for Christmas but more like no specific arrangements about when, how you'd get there, etc were made. Is it possible that your family expected that you'd take care of the details while you were expecting that they'd do so? How far away are you from your family distance-wise?

I know you're feeling bruised and abandoned, but it sounds like you could really use your family right now. My daughter once sent me a text message which said "I really need you right now" after a few months of no contact. It might be worth you doing the same. It would suck if this was just a misunderstanding where both sides are thinking that the other has no interest in them.

 

[DexysMidnightRuner]

dont give up. things will get better. i know youve said you have been telling yourself that for many years, but maybe you should just focus on yourself. forget your family, try and get yourself back in treatment, and focus on yourself. im in recovery and i personally find my family to be a real big relapse trigger.

if you cant get treatment in canada, try getting in to somewhere in the states? there its not really about in and then out. plus in patient is not going to have stupid rules like "you get kicked out if you leave a meeting". of course if your not trying to get better then they will kick you out, but if you have a legit reason then its fine. and are really working on getting better ya know.

also, if your family is just kinda "forgetting" about you, then find some people who will really support you. go to meetings and make friends there, try and find supportive people who can help you to recovery. get yourself to a halfway house or something.

blood family isnt always the best in recovery - any kind of recovery - but people who have been there and understand will be a much better comfort.

please try and get yourself help, you are worth it, and i hope you realize that. its true you cant be helped until you want help, but i hope you realize it soon

 

[thujone]

it's heartbreaking to hear that your family ignores you like that, obviously you can't depend on them to get you out of this. truth is though, you can't depend on anyone. you have to be the catalyst for change or your life will never take off, so do like everyone else does and set small goals to meet every day, every week, every month. a lot of small steps in the right direction help more than kind words from anyone because accomplishment can be a powerful high on its own.

nobody is gonna pick you up out of pity and carry you where you want to get to, but lots of people will stop along the way to help you get to your destination if they see you putting in the effort to do whatever is in your power to get there. nobody is powerless over their own lives, when you slip as far as you've gone though it just takes a little while to get some traction. so do work; think positive, do positive, you'll get the help you need when people see the hope in you.

 

[IntoxicatedDMMKM]

If they're ignoring you, they prob know about your drug use, or at least expect it and know who you are, come on we all been there, nobody loves you but you and that's a beautiful thing. Self love it is so beautiful.

Your number one, fuck everybody else. Only you. Only you.

Self love is the only real love, friends don't really love, gf/bf don't really love, and even family don't really love, they all and yes, THEY ALL want you to be something your not. Fuck them.

Self love is the only real love, drink some water, sleep, get yourself in order,<snip>

Sorry, real advice coming from me.