oversimplification is the leading cause of death
obviously, he doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with you. Why don't you dump him?
Because his position currently is that who one is sexually turned on by is separate from who he wants to be in a long term relationship with. To me, that just means he hasn't explored his sexuality well enough and let himself be free and with the right kind of person (since I am his 2nd serious sexual partner) to be open to integrating his sexual attractions into the relationship's love life. Most guys are unappologetic in their sexual endeavours, this guy makes an active effort to try to do for me sexually what he (incorrectly) thinks I want instead of just collaborating with me on what BOTH of us want. His problem is that he's still in that developmental stage with himself where he's still afraid of his mother's disapproval (translating into worrying that I am going to try to "punish" him for being anything but what he beleives is society's and my expectation for a normal hetero relationship) and it is that fear that motivates his secrecy... not a desire to actually be with a man. He actually has not made any kind of effort to find a guy to have sex with to my knowledge, much less be in any kind of real relationship with. I asked him why he likes only gay porn and he said he didn't know but then I listed off a bunch of possibilities and when I brought up the idea of it being about sexual domination and control, he said that that was a big part of it. And we both enjoy rape and gang rape porn or have in the past so I understand that his sexual prowress is centered around his need to feel like the dominating one. I'm a switch which I think is why I found yesterday that I needed to get off by myself fantasizing I was the one fuck the guy's ass with gay porn before I felt comfortable watching it with him. But the sex was amazing apart from when at times I felt like he was touching me because he felt like "he should" instead of because he actually wanted to...
I want to be the person to help him open himself up to delving into those gay fantasies he has, I just hope that he can find satisfaction in them with me being as how he will not be seeing a hard cock and balls laying on my non-existent 6-pac as he is pounding my ass missionary style. But the other night after we did missionary anal he did mention how much it turned him on to see my pussy frothing over with juices while he was fucking me, and I could see in his eyes that he was being honest., so maybe if I just get the 6-pac and a realistc strap on I could give him real life boy next door style sex that would satisfy both of our gayest desires. He admitted also that he likes to be the one doing things to me because it turns him on to be able to make me feel good, to make me cum. He actually was really turned on the other night when after he came, we still wanted to keep going so he fucked me with a dildo and made me cum several times... he couldn't be controlled he had such a raging hard on we had to fuck again right then and there...
So I guess I'm just not willing to throw away 2+ years of work by making any kind of snap judgement or decision on what he wants since he insists he wants to be with me, and I do want to be with him, and he demonstrates in daily life that he is willing to give of himself to me and help me with my dreams in life, which is not something he will do for anybody else, even his family or closest friends. He really does not want to lose me and sometimes I think he's worried he can't be the kind of person I need and those feelings of inadequacy lead him to feeling like he needs to get away to his comfort zone, the place where he has control, jerking it alone to gay porn. Also, there is a very strong metaphor or symbolism for this psychosexual situation, especially watched by a guy who doesn't actually want to be with a man, and because he limits his styles of porn to boy next door, which is what he himself would be classified if he were doing porn, it makes sense that when he feels the need to regain his sense of control he watches gay porn to "fuck himself," he gets off on a subconscious level from the imagery which supports the notion of one man punishing another man (both men representing himself) or "giving him what he deserves because he's a little bitch" and I think that's the way he is trying to feel like not a bitch and in control.
My hope is that he can take the control in his real life with his education, building a non-profit org with me which he is already doing some things for, and in general developing himself to who he wants to be.
I want us to help eachother develop instead of one trying to exact control over another. I don't mind playing the sub in bed cause I pwn real life but the hinge of our relationship will rest on whether or not he decides to man up and be brave enough to work on life with me to ACTUALLY gain control over his life and self-confidence instead of always running back to that false sense of security within gay porn.
