I was born a female but I feel like a gay man and I'm having an identity crisis

[IAMWHY]

The person I'm in a relationship with is hiding the fact that he is sexually attracted to men to the point where that's the only kind of porn he will watch.
I have tried watching gay porn with him as that is something I have been into and have enjoyed but when I watch it with him all I can feel are his thoughts replacing my hand with the guys ass he's watching... wishing it was a dude's ball sac slapping against his ball sac instead of the edge of my palm.

I even knew he was gay just intuitively when I was just friends with him, but when I asked him, he said he wasn't.

Now instead of being pleasurebly turned on when I watch gay porn, I get this knot in my stomach and I just watch thinking, I don't have a cock... where'd my cock go?
I can't possibly explain how bad it fucks with my head that I feel like I have a phantom limb cock if that makes sense.... and I don't know if I will ever be able to feel complete because honestly I'm not too much of a fan of the fact that I'm a woman cause I just don't feel like one most of the time.

I know I'm an attractive person not to be vain but when the person you want to be able to love doesn't open themselves up to you because you don't have a dick, and you already feel like you have one or more accurately should, it's like... if a dude was castrated almost. That might seem impossible to compare, but it feels real to me and I don't know how to get past this. I can't change his preferences for gay sex, and I can't do this whole poker facing game anymore. I wish I could just find a way to be ok with it and be able to enjoy my gay prawns again.

D;

 

[Bearlove]

Is your confusion not from having somebody who is 'gay' as a lover? When you met him and thought about sex with him were you thinking as a gay man or as a woman? Are you living as a woman or as a man? When you say your watching porn with him you talk about a guys ball sack hitting his – surely if you were gay you would mean ‘your’ ball sack hitting his.
Sorry if those questions sound personal but I know a couple of Male to female transexuals - who had similar thoughts but from a young age (before sex was even thought about). They lived as women, dressed as women and when they became old enough sought the affection of men (obviously gay men). Two of them went through the entire gender change thing – years of therapy, then drug treatment to make them appear more female and then finally surgery to finally but their bodies right.
Get yourself to a support group, talk to people going through the same thing as you - I bet you will be surprised at how many people are in the same boat as you.

 

[Raz]

I think Bearlove's got the right idea - I think it would help you heaps to talk to a transgender support group...also, check out Buck Angel's series of videos Bucking The System on youtube. Buck is a female-to-male transgender porn star, but he does heaps of advocacy/education stuff for transgender issues outside of porn; Bucking The System is a series of videos where he answers emails from subscribers, discusses gender and sexuality issues, stuff like that (the youtube videos are all g-rated, they're just him sitting in front of a camera talking).

There are also online support networks for transgender people (I would post links but I don't know where you are, google will help)....having these feelings doesn't mean you're committing to anything one way or the other in terms of your own identity, but you might find it really helpful just to see that there are options available to explore any questions you have without feeling like you need to figure it all out yourself.

In the end, you're the only person you need to justify any of this stuff to....do what feels right for you.

 

[blauwelichten]

Go and meet a man who'll appreciate your womanly beauty.
This guy needs to meet a guy and it is hurting you.
Life is too short to be hurt by lovers, go meet someone else and be happy.
Happiness is the goal.

 

[leiphos]

ever heard of penis envy?

 

[wtblife]

Wow that is an actual term? I was expecting it to be a joke related to the type of shroom lol.

 

[Pander Bear]

you should probably separate from this person before any evaluation of your gender.

 

[IAMWHY]

yeah...

Is your confusion not from having somebody who is 'gay' as a lover? When you met him and thought about sex with him were you thinking as a gay man or as a woman? Are you living as a woman or as a man? When you say your watching porn with him you talk about a guys ball sack hitting his – surely if you were gay you would mean ‘your’ ball sack hitting his.
Sorry if those questions sound personal but I know a couple of Male to female transexuals - who had similar thoughts but from a young age (before sex was even thought about). They lived as women, dressed as women and when they became old enough sought the affection of men (obviously gay men). Two of them went through the entire gender change thing – years of therapy, then drug treatment to make them appear more female and then finally surgery to finally but their bodies right.
Get yourself to a support group, talk to people going through the same thing as you - I bet you will be surprised at how many people are in the same boat as you.

I was born with tits and a cunt, however, I am rarely attracted to "straight" men.

It seems like you kinda missed the point... I FEEL like I should have a cock and balls, yet I do not. I don't want a surgery, I just want a partner who will not act like being gay is something to be ashamed about or keep secretive but rather explore with me, even pretend with me in fantasy. I have never felt ashamed about being a gay man trapped in female corporial form until the other night when I was watching gay porn with my supposedly straight or bi boyfriend. I was forthright with him when I met him that I am a gay man in a female body and I think that's why he says I am the only person he could ever love, but he also says " sexuality and love are seperate" but in a relationship, they're suppose to innertwine, not be compartmentalized as secrets to be kept away from eachother. Because I feel like a gay man on the inside, it really hurts that he makes deliberate attempts to keep me out of his watching gay porn and when we did actually watch it together because I instigated it thinking it would help us be more open and erotic and I ended up being used as a substitute sex object while he fantasized, poker faced really, that he was fucking a man... a man that was not me. I would have been enthralled and ultimately satisfied if he would have included me as a person in this fantasy inside his mind, but he imagined I was someone else, instead of role playing that we were gay lovers. One way makes me an emotionless subjugated object, the other, my way, makes me a person in a relationship exploring sexuality in a healthy way. The bottom line is he is consistently keeping me out of his sexual fantasies and any free moment when I'm not around, he is secretly watching ONLY gay porn (even though we have made really really hot home porno) so he can stock pile imagery of gay guy's faces and bodies in his mind for the next time we have sex. I have an unfortunately strong psychic connection to my lovers, especially ones I have had long term (like the one I'm with now) and it's difficult to describe but I feel his thoughts and fantasies and I can tell when he's thinking about someone else while we're together or isn't enjoying the sex as much as he'd like. I'm very in tune to the needs of my lover almost to a fault... or maybe it is a fault in this situation. All I know is day be day, I feel what I once thought was love fade into a cheap romance novel plot.

 

[IAMWHY]

Go and meet a man who'll appreciate your womanly beauty.
This guy needs to meet a guy and it is hurting you.
Life is too short to be hurt by lovers, go meet someone else and be happy.
Happiness is the goal.

Thank you.

 

[IAMWHY]

ever heard of penis envy?

This was helpful. Thank you.

 

[IAMWHY]

you should probably separate from this person before any evaluation of your gender.

I don't need to evaluate my gender. I am content to be who I am, a gay man in a female body. I don't need surgery, I just need a sexually open partner, or at least to have someone who is open to exploring sexuality in the context of our love life.

 

[IAMWHY]

you should probably separate from this person before any evaluation of your gender.

But I will say that I am thinking a trial separation to gain my sense of self back might have to happen if things don't improve.

 

[IAMWHY]

Is your confusion not from having somebody who is 'gay' as a lover? When you met him and thought about sex with him were you thinking as a gay man or as a woman? Are you living as a woman or as a man?

I was thinking as a gay man inside a female body. I outright asked him ," Are you gay?" because I thought I had asked him before and he haid said yes he was, but I wanted to make sure. He said I had never asked him that before but that he was, in fact, not gay. But he sure did have some very effeminate things about him and I was immediately attracted to that... it's almost like this free spiritedness that gay men have about them that some bi and some "straight" guys can have if they are just... you know... very comfortable about being sensitive and in touch people, which is really what I'm attracted to. But basically I was like ok score that means he would consider dating me because he says he's straight... theoretically at least. And so we did start dating and then I moved in with him and yeaah... now I'm here. When I met him did I expect him to indulge my fantasies of being gay lovers? I didn't expect it, I just thought he seemed like the kind of person who would be likely to explore sexuality in that direction if anybody would because I did his natal chart and found he had a massive amount of similar aspects with two of my ex's... he seemed to be the best of every world... and he was until I started having what I guess is called "Castration anxiety" when I first found out he was looking at gay porn in what he thought was a place where noone could see. Look it up on wiki, it's a thing. Anyway, the ex he had most in common with astrologically introduced me to anal sex, which I have to admit was one of the heights of my sexual life to date. We watched all kinds of porn while we fucked, but the sex was not about the porn, it was about us and how hot it was. My ex, Scottie, is a switch and that was even hotter cause he also introduced me to the position of missionary with HIM on the bottom... which psychosexually speaking gave ME the dominating position, with him being the willing submissive. He wasn't afraid of assplay and if I had been more in touch with myself when I was dating him I probably would have wanted to get a double ended dildo or a strap on and have wonderful ass fucking sessions and he probably would have been down, which would have just been like... the ultimate... no... while watching gay porn too would truly be the ultimate but yeah... The guy I'm with now doesn't even like for me to be on top errrr... at all... in any position or any orifice... and he keeps every bit of homosexual sexual exploration to himself inside his head and for someone like me who puts everything and all of themselves into sexual endeavours and tries to be as open as possible and keep shit hot it makes me feel really inadequate as a lover to be treated as an object to be substitute fucked instead of a partner to explore with.

 

[IAMWHY]

oh..... you...

Wow that is an actual term? I was expecting it to be a joke related to the type of shroom lol.

Yeah, it's real. Well, the idea is real, the term penis envy is a misnomer, it's not envy... at least in my case... it's phantom limb syndrome.

I wish I had the shrooms instead though... fo rizzaow.

 

[Fawkes]

it's been asked before, but you didn't answer... are you living as male or as female? it's going to be difficult to convince people you are a gay man in a woman's body or attract other gay men, when you're living your life as a traditional, feminine female. i think as long as you're with a man who is predominately attracted to other men, you live as female and never transition into a man, you're probably going to feel inadequate because well, you are - gay men tend to be attracted to men in men's bodies, not men in women's bodies.

i want to ask, too: could this be something else? could you just be a very dominate, sexually liberated female selecting unavailable or sexually confused mates for fear of commitment or rejection or some other deep-seated reason?

gender identity is something i've been lucky to never grapple with... but perhaps if you don't want to transition to a man and you're fine living as woman but are still attracted to men attracted to other men, then perhaps an openly bisexual man would make a better partner.

 

[IAMWHY]

fuck shit

it's been asked before, but you didn't answer... are you living as male or as female? it's going to be difficult to convince people you are a gay man in a woman's body or attract other gay men, when you're living your life as a traditional, feminine female. i think as long as you're with a man who is predominately attracted to other men, you live as female and never transition into a man, you're probably going to feel inadequate because well, you are - gay men tend to be attracted to men in men's bodies, not men in women's bodies.

i want to ask, too: could this be something else? could you just be a very dominate, sexually liberated female selecting unavailable or sexually confused mates for fear of commitment or rejection or some other deep-seated reason?

gender identity is something i've been lucky to never grapple with... but perhaps if you don't want to transition to a man and you're fine living as woman but are still attracted to men attracted to other men, then perhaps an openly bisexual man would make a better partner.

I have female organs and I live as a woman in society, but I like bisexually open men.... according to all my past lovers anyhow. Had awesome anal sex earlier but now he's jerking it to gay porn... again cause that's ALL he watches... didn't invite me to watch with him... didn't ask me to suck or fuck him... rather he fed me some bullshit about how he was gonna shave his junk so we could fuck again but yeah... I can see him though he thinks I can't, and if he's shaving, his dick must be in shreds by now. Who shaves to full screen gay porn. He's compulsive in his arranging convenient excuses to slip away by himself. It makes me think crazy people things like he's doing it on purpose cause he gets off on excluding me for his "boy next door's only" club.

 

[IAMWHY]

it's been asked before, but you didn't answer... are you living as male or as female? it's going to be difficult to convince people you are a gay man in a woman's body or attract other gay men, when you're living your life as a traditional, feminine female. i think as long as you're with a man who is predominately attracted to other men, you live as female and never transition into a man, you're probably going to feel inadequate because well, you are - gay men tend to be attracted to men in men's bodies, not men in women's bodies.

i want to ask, too: could this be something else? could you just be a very dominate, sexually liberated female selecting unavailable or sexually confused mates for fear of commitment or rejection or some other deep-seated reason?

gender identity is something i've been lucky to never grapple with... but perhaps if you don't want to transition to a man and you're fine living as woman but are still attracted to men attracted to other men, then perhaps an openly bisexual man would make a better partner.

I refuse to believe in this massive world there isn't a guy who is riding the straight/ bi line just exactly like I like it. Although I am attracted to gay men, I do not believe going through the steps to physically become a man will increase my chances with meeting a gay guy for a long term relationship.... for this reason I am keeping my high if impossible standard because I don't believe in being with someone to just have someone. I want and deserve someone who isn't afraid to be themselves and isn't trying to play lipservice so they don't lose their only source of sex.

 

[Kenickie]

although futurepig had good advice, i don't think an openly bisexual man is going to be into a monogamous relationship with a woman. (??)

 

[hyroller]

^ I think this situation definitely falls under the banner of 'uncategorised' in terms of sexuality/sexual preference, at least going by what's been said

who needs a hard and fast label anyway..

OP - he is obviously aroused by being with you as you are - I think you're allowing your own private insecurities to manifest as a basis for your gender identity/confusion - something you need to do some independent exploration into, if these are indeed feelings that have been culminating over a period of time up until your present relationship

 

[Noodle]

although futurepig had good advice, i don't think an openly bisexual man is going to be into a monogamous relationship with a woman. (??)

I'm not sure where this line of reasoning originates, but it is common for bisexual men ( and women ) to be misunderstood on both ends of the equation.

Are you implying that only a straight man is capable of a monogomous relationship?

My experience over the years has never made me believe that ones orientation is any indicator of ones ability or willingness to participate in a closed and faithful sexual relationship.



hyroller is right, there are no hard and fast rules. I think that is especially true in this very particular case.

At this point in the thread it seems more that the OP might be more concerned about not being able to integrate her desire to be with this one particular man and his current sexual focus.

I think they both may be confused? ...probably just a bad pairing. I think the OP may need to work through this as a single person as was suggested.