I'm sick of flashbacks and feeling like sub human scum. Just when I get slightly comfortable someone I care too much about fucks me over. I let myself get drawn back to my abusive ex and he emotionally blackmails me. I have been getting night sweats from stress and waking up panicking. I can't live like this. My psychologist is leaving and having to start all over is fucking nuts and I want to get the stuff I need today to end it all. I wish my family didn't have to suffer but I've been suffering in silence all my life for them while they think I'm just a druggy/alcoholic loser.....well guess what I've been sober for over a year and half and I want to relapse....but not really I just want HELP to cope with how I feel or some fucking diazepam SOMETHING for a week or even few days. My psychiatrist laughed at me yesterday first time meeting her when I asked bout ketamine therapy and how long she thought it would take to come through. She said with joy....20 years. I'm 31.... I needed some hope and she treated me like the loser I am.
I'm so mad all I needed was some compassion and empathy and maybe a day or two diazepam ....they do it for people in psychosis but not even for one day to help someone suffering from cptsd symptoms and wanting to overdose and/or relapse on alcohol to cope but not wanting to let family down etc
I'm so sorry for even posting on an anonymous website and tarnishing an important thread but it's the only thread that understands
I don't even take anything anymore I just vape weed. Can't get ketamine anymore cause my ex was the one getting me it and I'm too stupid to figure out how to work telegram or whatever it's called fuck this for a game of soldiers I'm fucking stressed out and I don't give a fuck anymore. I am fucking embarrassed by this post and I'm not attention seeking I just needed to get it out somewhere so don't reply or like this or anything cause i don't want it
I can't get over my abusive cunt of an ex I know he's bad for me and always sets me up to let me down like this. First decent sleep and he knew I had zopiclone for one night only and he made sure when I woke up he had text saying he was killing himself etc etc because I told him yesterday can only be friends if ok. o was getting last night after looking after my psychotic friend for a week who btw totally turned on me and has blocked me don't know where she is etc. I don't take it personally cause she's not well but I can't help but be worried and the change is too much to handle. I like my comfy routines I'm not afraid to admit. I need it. I'm getting tested for Autism by that psychiatrist but in another three months and that's just writing shit down to make the case for the investigation they think I don't know they're taking the piss because they don't see me as high risk/ don't care if I relapse/ don't really suspect have it. I just want it investigated cause it sucks. I wanna rule it out. People think I'm stupid I have an IQ of 129 if any consolation....not that it matters on my eyes but I need to prove I'm not the person my illness shows. I'm stupid and weak to everyone else and I couldn't give a fuck sometimes but I just battle through these body memories and I can't do it anymore. My head's blank cause it switches off no wonder I can't hold a decent convo....maybe it's not autism related .....I did used to line my toys up and I'm sensitive to touch hate being touched mostly and crave intamacy as well I know I spelled intimacy wrong but do I give a fuck m...........nut!!!!!!!?? The only time I feel any normal human almost is when full of benzos and fuck that. I'm a pure melt. Wish I could get ketamine or shrooms. Can't wait til September if I can make it til then
Psychiatrist won't help unless psycjotic with Diazepam even altho I told her how I'm feeling and gonna relapse on drink
I hate that I can't remember my childhood trauma (mostly) but also greatfyul it's just some little well big things I remember lland that the person wasn't meant to have that type of relationship with me. Cause I need to understand rather than have these random bouts of anger at like a man who's not real family but an uncle holding my baby niece I don't trust him and I went down the woods and punched a tree and my hand is fucked.
I'm beingpathetic and I don't give a fuck I'm shite at everything and I try my hardest. My music's shite I don't have any confidence in my ideas. My singer has left me and I don't feel comfortable with many people to share my ideas ....hope would be good if it produces results
But it never does with the confidence/abuse history stuff and I'm sick and tired of making delusional progress
Fuck working towards being anl recovery worker/music therapist I'm gonna take a baseball bat to someone that really done me dirty before I go myself I won't kill them I'll break their legs then do what I need to do before getting arrested ....even if I do get arrested and change my mind bout killing myself I don't care cause I can't achieve my dreams anyway. Fuck everything and eveyone. I sound like a big fucking child bratfucking br
Don't fit in anywhere fuck it all
I know I'm stupid for saying this and people who have real problems like running from war etc are the real motherfuckin' g's who deserve to be upset and whine like a baby.i mean I have it all really - a roof a safe place to stay a comfy bed a loving family benefits cause I'm a useless cunt who can't work.
Sick of making tunes and loving them then hating them I'm sick of fake fucking friends I don't have any of my real friends left ....well one but she just humours me like my family views me like the burden even in best intentions I know they care bout me but they don't understand. Music the only thing I have and I don't have the confidence to share my ideas I'm a total shitebag
Re thread: it's a right mind fuck loving your abuser I LOVE him and I really mean that .... I don't care what people think either cause it's easier not to love them I think I wish I didn't not comparing etc but I really wish it wasn't such a contradiction in my head and heart I want to chop my bottom half off sometimes and I feel like the biggest freak on this planet
While I'm at it. My fucking disgusting p.e. teacher Mrs C*****e who used to like watching me get changed whilst doing the register and (she a pretend lesbian.... well for an appetite for vulnerable teenage girls i.e. peado*****) she didn't help matters I fucking hate her. I hated swimming because I hated the feeling of getting out the pool because of her and the actual feeling of being wet in uniform for the rest of the day. I love swimming but hate the feeling after. I've always been funny out getting undressed in front of people even befor that so thank you you fucking beast for making me even worse. I still don't like getting naked. Well years ago I went the other way as a coping mechanism but now I'm back to being totally nun-like. I wish I could be mad at someone for abusing me but one that I do have memories I love too much and they're dead and the other I am not sure about....so can't prove it but I have a really funny feeling about my "uncle" and now I'm really confused as to whether the threat is still here or not I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me here. I know this won't make any sense but it does to me. I just get an icky feeling around that Bible bashing cunt. And I didn't like the way he was holding my niece....maybe I'm being paranoid or having a trauma response. Used to stay there as a child and I hated it but don't have any memories of sexual abuse at his hands although my "cousin" was obsessed with sex scenes from a very early age in films we were lnt maybe supposed to be watching that young that we use to sneak on the tape when nobody was around at theirs. I used to hate staying there and remember crying myself to sleep cause I had to use my doll as a pillow. He would come in and put the light off and say night girls that's all I remember. So I was very confused at my response - my gut feeling towards him after seeing him for the first time in years and years
I wish my family would understand and I didn't have to feel the shame but that's a dream that won't ever happen I couldn't hurt them anyway and if I can't understand it why would I expect them to. They'll never know I hope ...ifthey might already have an idea but just not know how to handle it ...like the lephant in the room
Hey, I know you posted a reply to this and I saw you're feeling better. I just wanted to address a few things in here that other may not have.
1. Being autistic, and being assigned a certain gender at birth (ie disability status, and assigned gender, like n my case gender non conformity) are things that make a person *vulnerable* to people who wish to harm us. If isn't about changing any of those things. When people say I transitioned due to my abuse to try and 'not be sexually abused' I always point out I'm actually at a higher risk of harm than I was before post transition. But my autism absolutely plays a role in both repeated victimisation by predators, and also something really crucial - my autism psychologist (it may be worth you trying to find one who also understands the impact of CSA on autistic people. May be hard to find but my one explained to me that CBT doesn't work that well with autistic people. Our brains are hardwired into believing what we believe. So a lot of autistic people who don't experience trauma are 'nothing is ever my fault' autistic people but ones who DO are 'everything is my fault' autistic people. CBT can't touch this because we have made it a gospel truth. So my autism psychologist taught me instead of challenging the thought using CBT I could try Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, where instead of saying 'i don't deserve to be punished' info 'j I am noticing that I am having a moment where I believe/think/feel like I need to be punished' with my self harm, and treat the thought/feelinglbelief, and not an actual need. Then I pretend it's just written on a leaf passing down a stream and don't try to fight it. I find this helped me distance myself from my very negative core beliefs and I can see from reading this you too share a lot of those core beliefs
2. You may have severe dissociation/a dissociative disorder alongside the CPTSD. This is on a spectrum, but if you are losing long periods of time (I didn't think I was then realised I had periods of hours I didn't remember at night, after setting up 24/7 camaead to record in my bedroom including me sitting up, playing animal crossing, then fucking opening a screw top vodka cruiser. I have zero memory of this. But I remember when I went into the kitchen when another staff member on BL was there all zombified from Seroquel and the garbled conversation I had.
If you ever want to talk privately about what you have been through feel free. We have a few things in common so I'm happy to talk with you and I'm glad me sharing anything helps someone.
If you would rather not have a chat privately we can just reply on here, or if you've said all you wanted to say that is fine too.
I hope you find some level of peace. I'm not there yet. But I'm starting to figure it out.
and then I feel sick but at least I know I'm not delusional. My psychologist reminds me often that I'm not the crazy one - a feeling which was reinforced by trying to tell someone when I was younger and having them not believe me and then I found on the computer that they were looking into the process of getting someone sectioned - obviously for me. This was when I was a young teenager and trying to speak out in my own way. They tried to get me sectioned which made me feel like I wasn't well and making it up to myself. Even although I didn't directly come out and tell them I was acting very angry my behaviour was that of a typical teenager x100 cause I knew deep down I wasn't delusional and it hurt so fucking much so the anger built up.
