Hi, sorry if this is the wrong place to put this but I have to get it out.
I came across this forum whilst looking for a method to conceal suicide as an accident. More on the reason later, but firstly, a little about myself.
I'm an early 40's male, married, with children. Own my own house (well, the bank does), hugely in debt, employed at a job that I can't stand anymore. No formal qualifications, although experienced in my field. Have applied for loads of jobs without even interviews. I drive a shit heap because I can't afford anything better.
My wife constantly blames me for everything and I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells. She got an evening job 2yrs ago and since then our intimate life has become almost non-existent for which she blames me (even though she's constantly tired and never wants it). She doesn't get out of bed with the children, I do and I get her up, every day at 7am with a coffee, after I've made the kids breakfast. I then get in the shower and make the hours' commute to work. I spend the next 9hrs stressing at work, to then come home so she can leave to go to work. she doesn't return for 4hrs, yet she's only employed for 2hrs 10 minutes away.
When she gets home, she sits on her mobile phone for the rest of the night, "apparently" talking to the people she's just worked with. Then she goes to bed.
Total time I see her during the week where she is actually engaged with me is about an hour.
At the weekends, she has zero enthusiasm to do anything and when I don't take the lead and sort stuff for the family to do, I get moaned at.
Bringing up any of this with her results in her arguing all my faults and blaming everything on me. It's a completely irrational argument and every time she threatens to leave with the kids.
It's got to the point now where she gives me no affection or appreciation. I pay for all the mortgage, running costs, food, and I also give her money, plus she has her own wages which I see none of. I've been sinking for years into debt.
I cannot remember the last time she came up to me to give me a hug. I think she's just with me for the financial and security benefits. Don't get me wrong, she's not nasty and we don't argue (I've come to the point where I just agree because arguing with her is futile, she see's no other point of view), I just feel that she doesn't want me anymore.
Moving on from this, I've tried moving jobs, no success in even getting an interview and at the moment, I really don't even want to continue my career.
The only thing stopping me from ending it all is the kids. They don't deserve it and I love them to bits, I don't want them to suffer like I am. I put on an act with them that I'm happy, but it's becoming too hard to do now. Which is half of the point of my initial question. The other half is because from what I've read Death in Service insurance won't pay out on suicide.
A lot of you will say and think that this pales into insignificance compared to other lives, but imagine always not being good enough, never achieving goals. Always waking up to thinking that you could have another 30 years of this or worse.
I can't carry on.
