TDS I have to get this out...

[StuckintheUK]

Hi, sorry if this is the wrong place to put this but I have to get it out.

I came across this forum whilst looking for a method to conceal suicide as an accident. More on the reason later, but firstly, a little about myself.

I'm an early 40's male, married, with children. Own my own house (well, the bank does), hugely in debt, employed at a job that I can't stand anymore. No formal qualifications, although experienced in my field. Have applied for loads of jobs without even interviews. I drive a shit heap because I can't afford anything better.

My wife constantly blames me for everything and I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells. She got an evening job 2yrs ago and since then our intimate life has become almost non-existent for which she blames me (even though she's constantly tired and never wants it). She doesn't get out of bed with the children, I do and I get her up, every day at 7am with a coffee, after I've made the kids breakfast. I then get in the shower and make the hours' commute to work. I spend the next 9hrs stressing at work, to then come home so she can leave to go to work. she doesn't return for 4hrs, yet she's only employed for 2hrs 10 minutes away.

When she gets home, she sits on her mobile phone for the rest of the night, "apparently" talking to the people she's just worked with. Then she goes to bed.

Total time I see her during the week where she is actually engaged with me is about an hour.

At the weekends, she has zero enthusiasm to do anything and when I don't take the lead and sort stuff for the family to do, I get moaned at.

Bringing up any of this with her results in her arguing all my faults and blaming everything on me. It's a completely irrational argument and every time she threatens to leave with the kids.

It's got to the point now where she gives me no affection or appreciation. I pay for all the mortgage, running costs, food, and I also give her money, plus she has her own wages which I see none of. I've been sinking for years into debt.

I cannot remember the last time she came up to me to give me a hug. I think she's just with me for the financial and security benefits. Don't get me wrong, she's not nasty and we don't argue (I've come to the point where I just agree because arguing with her is futile, she see's no other point of view), I just feel that she doesn't want me anymore.

Moving on from this, I've tried moving jobs, no success in even getting an interview and at the moment, I really don't even want to continue my career.

The only thing stopping me from ending it all is the kids. They don't deserve it and I love them to bits, I don't want them to suffer like I am. I put on an act with them that I'm happy, but it's becoming too hard to do now. Which is half of the point of my initial question. The other half is because from what I've read Death in Service insurance won't pay out on suicide.

A lot of you will say and think that this pales into insignificance compared to other lives, but imagine always not being good enough, never achieving goals. Always waking up to thinking that you could have another 30 years of this or worse.

I can't carry on.

 

[VastEmpty]

It sounds like an awful situation you are in. It's reasonable for your mind to go to suicide as an option, but that wouldn't really solve your problems. Honestly, it sounds like your wife has checked out of the marriage...there are only a couple options at that point - try counseling or get a divorce. If you haven't tried counseling, that may work, but if it doesn't work, don't buy that bullshit about her leaving and taking the kids.

How in the hell is she gonna afford to take care of kids with a job that is 2 hours a night? Even with child support, she probably knows it's not reasonable. Talk to an attorney though - protect your rights as a father! I hate when people use their kids as leverage against a spouse, but it happens all the time and that's what laws are for.

Don't let her drive you to this. Take control of YOUR life. Worry about you and the kids, not her. Work on improving your life and when you see her doing nothing to improve hers, just tell yourself "that's her struggle, I'm going to concentrate on mine." She will get the picture eventually - she will realize you are moving on without her and she can either run her ass off to catch up or she will get left behind. If none of that works. I would go for a divorce.

Best of luck.

- VE

 

[Stickman Roxy]

I feel ya, stuckintheUK. My marriage fell apart a couple of years ago. It's awful. Although different circumstances, the same at the core of it. We became strangers but she was a herion/crack addict, went to rehab and disappeared. Here I am a single father and we haven't seen her in a couple of years.
I have many regrets but the one that haunts me is that I never talked to her, grabbed her not letting go until we understood what was causing all of the chaos and pain.
Talk to your wife. It sucks being alone.

 

[herbavore]

I agree with all that VE said already. Your wife has emotionally left the marriage. There is a move afoot in marriage counseling these days to help couples work out ways to encompass moving from couples to friends in order to still be there as a team for the children as they are growing up. Some couples choose to remain together as parents and a financial team while living in the same house and others live separately. So that's one option; but another option is an amicable divorce. The third option is to try to recreate the original attraction and bond by directly speaking of it with your wife and coming up with ways to address what has happened together. Have you already tried that?

Children do much better when their parents are taking care of themselves and living lives that are fulfilling. If you cannot do this as a couple there is no failure in that--it just means that things have changed and you need to structure life differently to accommodate those emotional changes.

The fact that suicide seems the only way out just illustrates how trapped you feel. There is a lot of pressure put on men to be the primary breadwinners for the family but who wrote these rules? Try not to let yourself get discouraged as you look for new jobs--keep the goal in mind that you are doing this for yourself (interest and engagement at work) and that will benefit your family in other ways than monetarily (because you will be happier). Have you thought about trying counseling for yourself? A good counselor may be able to help you sort through problems individually whereas in your own mind they all lump together into one huge and overwhelming tangle.

 

[StuckintheUK]

Thank you for your time. Getting a divorce would ruin me, UK courts are not fair to men. She'll end up with my house and I'll end up paying her and child support. I'll be even more in debt than I am now, with even more outgoings.

If I'm gone at least she'll get the insurance and I will know the kids won't financially suffer. Also they won't suffer as much as if they knew the truth. I've been through a breakup where my child was used against me, so I speak from experience, his life didn't go well when he got to 16 because of the emotional crap his mum filled him with. I don't want that for my kids.

With reference to my job, I just don't care anymore. I worked my ass off to get where i am and I still can't pay my bills, yet there are women that pump out kids and live like queens on handouts.

I've not only had my heart ripped out, I've been humiliated, and now really don't want to carry on.

I'm not going to talk to her, women have a great way to make you feel even worse when you try and discuss problems with them. When I tried last time, she blamed me for everything, then for being grumpy and said she can't take it and that I should get over it or else.

Mentally, I don't have any problems, I know I'm depressed and I know the reasons. The problem is, I also know there is no fix for the things that are causing it.

 

[Stickman Roxy]

I would consider contemplating ending your life a bit of a problem mentally.
Sounds like you've tried everything. Have you been to therapy? Do you think your wife is cheating? Not to act like I know anything about your life but it seems as though she knows she has you backed into a corner and that will never end well. It's awful when we feel trapped and see no light at the end of the shitty tunnel that has become life. I hope both of you figure something out and wish you luck.

 

[VastEmpty]

I'm glad you made a real user id and came back! I gotta agree with Stickman up there - if suicide seems like an answer, please reconsider your mental health.

Can I ask how old your little ones are? I'm hoping they are not under 10 - only so there is an end in sight for you. Honestly, I see no harm in planning to leave your wife after the kids are 18 or at least after you feel like it won't impact them heavily. At least there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

The only other thing I want to say is that I'm not sure "how/why" you lost a parent will protect your kids from the pain of the loss. Besides, how do you know they will be taken care of? I mean, what happens if she blows it all on betting on the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl next year? It sounds like you already have some trust issues with your wife. Unless you have a million pound policy, I'm not sure how far that will get them in terms of being taken care of. She'll have to step up at some point and get a job that gives her more hours than 2 per week. Do you think she is capable of that as a single mother?

Sorry for for all the questions - I am just having a hard time connecting the suicide/life insurance plan with being good for ANY of you. Kids need their parents, not a nice house or nice things.

- VE

 

[StuckintheUK]

Sticky, thanks. Why is wanting to end life considered a mental problem? I base it on logic. I would agree with you if I didn't know why I was depressed, but I know exactly why and it's not isolated to just the wife issue. I used to go to my Nan's every week, she was a bit senile and angry at the world, but at least when I went there she appreciated the time we spent together. She died in April. Since then, I've realised that I've been like this for ages but nan's live was suppressing the feelings. I had something to look forward to.

I don't see a good end to this. I have no fight left.

I don't know if she's cheating and at this point, I'm past caring. I'd rather leave not knowing.

 

[Stickman Roxy]

Let me rephrase. Instead of a mental problem, perhaps a bit of mental fuckery? I think about suicide every day and I'm aware as to why I don't want to live like I am but I'm not sure of the solution because it's not an option. I, like you, have a tiny reason as to why I can't. I'm sorry for the loss of your nan. I feel for you, stuck. Goddamn I don't know why but I sincerely hope you figure it out. You seem soo hopeless and nobody should have to live like that. Keep us updated if you don't mind and again, good luck

 

[Moreaux]

I'm so sorry you're in this predicament- it truly is terrible. You've gotten so very good feedback. Can you try to reach an agreement with wife through counseling? Having a third party present will stop her attitude and dismissal of what you say. It may force her to listen to your thoughts and feelings for once. The counselor will also interject potential solutions that may work for both of you.

Is there anyway you can squirrel away cash and hide it somewhere - a little something from each paycheck and build a nest egg for yourself? I say cash to keep it off the books so you divorce. If your already financially ruined what does it matter if you're late on a payment...maybe your wife's cell phone bill so she can't ignore you to talk to other people. Also, consider stop giving your wife money.

You say the U.K. Courts are brutal for men, are they as brutal if the wife is caught cheating? I really have to question what your wife is doing when she is out and who she's talking to - that's very suspicious. If she is making money then she doesn't need yours, cut her off for a while and see if she's really generating revenue. I think it's horrible how men get taken advantage of in divorce, it's not fair.

Please hold off on suicide...odds are they would be able to tell it was suicide, it's hard to cover that up. More importantly, the situation will eventually change. As miserable as it is, have you considered that getting divorced may give you enough peace of mind and freedom from the horrible drudgery that it's worth the financial loss? It's not forever, and at least you wouldn't be stuck with a cold woman who seems very unpleasant. You would get a break, your life wouldn't be crushing all the time as you would have your time off work to yourself, and you would have your kid to look forward to. The kids may feel better as well, they can sense the uneasiness and depression :/ Big hugs your way!

 

[StuckintheUK]

At this point, I think I need to make something very clear.

My wife is NOT a horrible person, nor is she vindictive, or even a bitch. She is an amazing mother, keeps the house clean, does the washing, cooking, etc. I just commute and work too much to be able to get home to eat the food she cooks for the family, she used to cook for me before she left for work, but with her leaving earlier and earlier, that doesn't generally happen anymore. She's now noticed today that I'm not sleeping. I've put it down to being ill.

It would be an easy fix if she were a bitch, but that's totally not the case.

It's actually quite amazing you guys take the time to talk, thank you.

 

[starting_over]

Man this hurts to read and exactly the reason why I don't ever want to get married (no offence), why are courts so unfair to men

Ok but with your new post, is it possible for her to get a different job? With more + 'normal' working hours so you aren't spending so much time away from each other?

 

[StuckintheUK]

She loves her job. Plus normal hours requires childcare. I'm sinking as it is, adding a childcare bill to it would bankrupt me quicker.

My Dad said to me years ago, "there are only 2 things I'd change in my life. Getting Married and Having Kids."

That hurt when he said it, but he's right.

Ultimately, I've created this mess, it's my responsibility to fix it.

 

[starting_over]

Ok fair point re: childcare being expensive.

There has got to be a way for her to ask the boss / pick up shifts from coworkers to get more hours at work, or find another evening job entirely. Even if she loves her current job and has to go do something that she isn't thrilled about. A 2 hour shift just does not cut it (I'm assuming x 5 day work week)... she wouldn't even be able to support herself. Honestly this is hardly a job, she would be better off working one 10 hour day, and having 6 days off during the week. Sorry if I'm being harsh.

Maybe she can find a job where she works from home during the day? Just trying to come with up some ideas here. Do you live in a big city or a rural area? Or start her own cleaning business and clean rich peoples' houses?

 

[StuckintheUK]

But that's not the point, I shouldn't have to change her, if this is what she wants, if it's what makes her happy, then who am I to change that? Her being out is more important to her than being with me or showing affection, appreciation etc.

If I was neglecting her or the kids in any way, the first thing I'd do is bin off the job. I don't go out because weekends are the only time I have with them. I haven't been on a night out since December 2015. I work, look after the kids, and that's all I do.

I hate it here. I am fed up of trying, 25 years after leaving school, I'm still in debt and unhappy. Funny how everything went downhill after we got married. Marriage is the biggest killer of relationships. She doesn't have to actually try now, because she's legally entitled. I was up at 6 this morning with our youngest, she rocked out of bed just before 7:30. 15 minutes later, I was on the road to work. I will get home 6:30 tonight, and she will leave at 6:45 whilst I put the youngest to bed.

This is no life!

 

[Moreaux]

This paints a different picture entirely. In he first post it sounded as if you were in a loveless marriage with no end in sight. You two need to reconnect and make time for yourselfs. I don't have children myself as I had a horrible addiction in my twenties and thirties that I didn't want to expose a child to, but now that I am getting older and sober I tend to read up on motherhood and parenting to see what I missed. It seems that while it is ultimately rewarding, it is a grueling thankless job. It sounds like your wife is probably in the same boat as you with crushing stress. I'm not trying to imply that either of you don't love your kids or even regret, just that life is completely different and there is much more responsibility. The good news is that it isn't forever and there is an end in sight and you will probably be able to get a handle on the debt. Bad news is it's not going to happen immediately.

You and your wife need to reconnect, and you need to put your relationship as a priority. Before you leave for work one day write her a little love note saying you love her and miss her and ask her on a date. Arrange to have a friend or family watch your kids and take her for a walk to the park, maybe pack a picnic (I'm think very low cost because of your financial issues). Use this as an opportunity to express how much you miss your old relationship and her.

This would be a great opportunity to test the waters to see where she is at in the marriage emotionally. She may be distant because she too is overwhelmed. If your children are young she may also be really self conscious about the way her body has changed, and she may be suffering from post-partum depression which can turn into regular depression if left untreated. I'm certain she never envisioned her life turning out this way either and she's probably doing the best she can like you are.

You guys need to regroup and reestablish the partnership. Ask her about her feelings with life, the marriage, the kids and what her frustrations and hurts are and genuinely listen. Ask her if there is something you can be doing differently and if not just be a supportive encouraging presence. Emphasize how much you miss her and "us", and how you want to make changes to have more time together - even if it only happens on the weekend. After she speaks her mind tell her how you are feeling and only use I statements so she doesn't feel like you a blaming her. If she starts to get upset tell her this is the way you feel, not necessarily that she's doing anything wrong. No one can argue with feelings and feelings aren't always rational.

What's the biggest stressor in your life right now? What do you think the biggest stressor in her life is? How old are your kids? Do you ever have any left over money from a paycheck?

 

[d3athadone]

I really think your options are simple. Divorce your wife. Start working out again like in American beauty. Have a mid life crisis. Does she put out? I'm guessing not. Time to cut and run bro!! You can still see your kids and she will have to learn to be a responsible mother during her time with them. I dont think there is any hope for your relationship. You sound like a good guy man! Your not going to commit suicide. You just need to change your life.

 

[herbavore]

She loves her job. Plus normal hours requires childcare. I'm sinking as it is, adding a childcare bill to it would bankrupt me quicker.

My Dad said to me years ago, "there are only 2 things I'd change in my life. Getting Married and Having Kids."

That hurt when he said it, but he's right.

Ultimately, I've created this mess, it's my responsibility to fix it.

You have both created a situation where your emotional needs are not getting met and financial pressures are mounting and multiplying. My suggestion would be to tackle the financial situation first because it is probably the easiest to fix. There are counseling services specifically to help people live within their means, get out of debt, structure their lives so that they are not all about working, etc. Seek out those resources where you live--perhaps it will only come in the form of a well-written and practical self-help book you and your wife read together or perhaps you could find someone to actually talk to through social services (I'm not in the UK, so don't know about that possibility).

As far as the emotional bond goes, the biggest problem for couples is resentment. A very good book to read is Undefended Love.

Best of luck. I'm in a thirty+ year partnership (marriage) that has been anything but easy but one thing I know is that just as we create our own problems we are capable of managing them if not solving them. As far as having children? Hands down the best experience of my life.

 

[~lyser]

Been looking at this site for 15+ years. Yours was the first post that ever compelled me to register. I've been there brother.

Caught my wife of 12 years cheating on me. I was blindsided. I immediately left her. The courts proceeded to fuck me over financially and my kids suffered emotionally. This was 5 years ago. My boy was 10 at the time and my daughter was 7.

I give that bitch 50% of my net pay. I lost my house, most of my stuff and I have accrued a shitload of debt. She also did her very best to alienate my kids from me. It was hell on my boy, and while I still see him at least once a week he does not stay over at my house anymore. Luckily, my daughter is stronger willed and I see her almost every day and she stays over about half the time.

I make decent money, but now I rent and have no money for extras. I'm trying to get the debt under control, and hopefully I will eventually.

Anyway, I get the situational depression - I've been there. Before I caught her cheating, it was like you described - working like a bitch during the day and kid and house duty at night and on the weekends. She was never home, and she didn't work. It was on me to do everything while she was apparently out fucking the neighborhood. So I kicked that bitch to the curb. She was cheating on me and I'm the one that gets fucked financially? Yeah, that's fair.

Anyway, I got two things I wanted to say to you:

1. Do NOT kill yourself. I have thought about it man -a lot. What's the fucking point when all you do is work (at home and at work) and the debt just keeps piling up? I got myself addicted to benzos after the divorce - I did manage to kick that shit after a couple of years of hardcore abuse - but taking a bullet looked mighty attractive when in throes of benzo withdrawal on top of all the other bullshit. But I didn't do it and I won't. You won't either. We can't and you know it. It's really simple - you won't do that to your kids. You just won't. Even if it "looked like an accident" you would still be fucking them over. You won't do it - you love those little bastards so much it hurts. Soooo, you know offing yourself is not an option so you might as well do whatever you canto improve your situation. Which brings me to:

2. Do NOT do anything without talking to a lawyer and protecting yourself financially. If UK laws are anything like the US, you are going to have to pay child support and maintenance upon divorce. Good advice was given earlier - if your marriage is over you need to start stashing cash away now. Keep looking for a better paying job. Cut back where you can. Start working on that debt. Put off divorce as long as you can, and in the meantime get your finances tightened up as much as possible. Determine if some nontraditional arrangement/partnership with the wife is possible. Don't make any emotional/rash decisions. Keep your kids best interests in mind.

You are not the type of guy that is going to fuck over your kids by killing yourself and you know it, so the best thing to do is figure out how you are going to improve your situation without going broke.

BTW - I still don't have a pot to piss in, but I'm rich in other ways. I got great kids and I no longer have to live with a selfish soul sucking bitch. I have an awesome girlfriend and much more free time.

 

[crzydiamond]

Marriage is work.

It requires effort from both. You say you don't remember the last time she spontaneously hugged you? I'm playing devils advocate here...but when was the last time you spontaneously hugged her? Did some silly little "I love you" type thing? Just cause, well, you say you're depressed and unhappy....it becomes very hard on the other person who has to constantly deal with negativity and someone being miserable all the time. It drags one down, and I personally will emotionally distance myself in order to protect my own state of mind...


On that note, look at your wife's life. Get out of bed and be home with the kids (are they school age or does she have them at home all day every day?) ....maybe her 2 hour job is an oasis for her, where she gets out of the house and around other people who are more upbeat and positive. Ok, it's 10 min away, but maybe she enjoys that extra 45 minutes to go get a coffee or just have some alone time. Speaking on my own experience, having been both a single mom and in a long term relationship with a man who became negative and controlling, I used to love to leave a little early for work, get a coffee and sit and read in peace for a half hour.


So you know, there may be reasons for her actions that don't involve cheating or anything bad


But--if you both want a good marriage, as someone above said---you have to reconnect. Try being the one to do spontaneous things for her...little things...bring her breakfast in bed , send her a sweet text, find money for a babysitter and take her out--just you two not the family.

And really, even if you're not the happiest person in the world, don't constantly act negative. No one wants to spend time with a miserable negative person. Or show affection to someone who is like that. I mean, you know, we all have a bad day. And usually then someone is concerned and talks to us and we vent , etc. But when a "bad day" is every day, the person becomes like a black hole vortex ---sucking all the life, joy, and happiness out of the person constantly forced to "lift up" the other person. Is that you? I dont know, I dont know how you act in your home. But it is something to consider,especially as you say your wife is a good person, good mom, etc. Something is causing the emotional distance:..


I understand your frustrations and resulting depression. But really, all the things you're so down about really are things you can change. They are situational. It's not like a terminal illness where you have absolutely no control over the outcome. In your case, suicide would really be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Temporary as far as you making the changes in your life

Honestly, given your age, it's sounds like a classic mid-life crisis. The question is , what are you going to do? Throw the suicide option out of the window. Your kids need you. No child wants to grow up without dad because he had a crappy job and he and his wife worked opposite shifts.

So...as far as wife and time---enjoy each other on the weekends. Truthfully, your "opposite shift" working to avoid paying child care is common. Several of my coworkers do exactly the same thing as their kids aren't school age yet. Make the hours you do see each other "quality time"

As far as your job--well, you have to decide what/where you want to work and then do what you need to in order to get hired. You say you're not getting interviews. Maybe you need help with resume writing then. Or maybe you're applying for jobs way above/below your skill level. But anyway, networking is usually the gateway into companies so think about that also


I dont know, your issues just sound so fixable that I had to respond to you. I think you're just stuck in a cycle of thinking that nothing's going to work out so why try. And looking from the outside its not at all dire....

You seem like you'd do well talking to an outside person...counselor, or whatever you're comfortable with. Also....do you have a dog? I'm not being funny, but often their affection can be therapeutic for a person...

I hope you are able to step back and look at things and make some changes to make you happier.