I feel guilty.
And I have tried many times. Especially when I've been in benzo WD I can't really stand the presence of another human being so I almost practically tell him to get lost. Not in a hurtful way, I just show lack of interest and ask him about other girls, which he hates (because you wouldn't like to bring that up when you're really into a guy) but I sometimes do when I get an attack of conscience. Anyway, he'll just get mad and stay out of touch for a while, then he'll call me again in a week, and it's like it never happened
He can't stay away, though I know he's mostly given up now, and is trying. But I messed up really bad last month. I almost managed to finish it but it didn't work out. Drugs were involved. First I was traumatised by spending a week in withdrawal and didn't care I wasn't hearing from him. But when I feel better I can appreciate him more and start to want to see him. Plus I was still shaken from the withdrawal and felt I needed the comfort.
So I kept messaging him, then got a message from him saying to stop messaging the phone as he had left it with his cousin and had left the country to try to get a work permit there (He's a Muslim immigrant and for some reason haven't been able to get a work permit, even though he's been working 12 hours a day and paying a fortune in taxes for 2 years, I think they're just taking advantage). Then I messaged his cousin saying if he could just ask him to call me once.
So he did and was really angry, almost shouting at me, and had obviously given up on the whole thing. Then, like an idiot (though this was also influenced by drugs), I broke down and started crying and said I wanted to marry him and I didn't mean what I'd said (think I even mentioned having children) which I absolutely don't want but at that moment and for a few days I was out of touch with reality enough to actually believe it (don't ask).
Anyway, that really moved him and he just melted, as that is kind of my strength and I was feeling really genuine about it, and a few days later he sent me a message saying "I'm coming back
". So I started coming to my senses and thought, "Shit, what have I done?" This was the perfect opportunity to end it and I should have just let it be. So I pondered what to do and decided I just had to tell him straight as gently as possible and sent him a short email in about 5 sentences explaining that it couldn't work. It hurt to do it, as I still felt a need for him, but I realised it was the only thing to do. But he just sent me back "That is not possible - I have to have you".
And I thought "Now what can I do?" and was about to post for advice about it but decided the only thing to really do was to try saying the same thing again in different words. But I was nice about it and also told him I missed him, etc. Then 3 days later he calls me at night and says he's coming home the next day and he was really happy about it and I freaked out a bit. That was a week ago, and now he's not so happy as he senses I've gone back to my previous state, and he's been ignoring me today and told me not to call him at work, which he's never done.
So it's been practically impossible to get rid of him, partly because he's lacked the self-control, and partly because I haven't rejected him clearly. But I know the end is coming soon as there's no reason for him to go on like this for much longer. He can do better. But I'm not looking forward to that either. I feel a lot of pain and guilt for both of us. It's like I can't cope with either way. Or I'm too weak to be in a relationship and I'm too weak to be alone.
