I feel like I have completely lost control

[falsifiedhypothesi]

I have no self control anymore, I get pissed at every little thing, and I cant even think straight anymore. Feels like people don't want to be around me, I can barely hold a conversation for 5 minutes and my sense of humor has been completely wrecked.

I'm probably gonna get fired from my job, I fucking hate it there anyway but it still feels bad. I feel like I've lost so much mental capacity, if me from 5 years ago saw me today he wouldn't even recognize me, I don't recognize me.

I have no control over my addiction anymore and I dont even know what came first, chicken or egg. Have I always been generally inadequate and annoying to people, did I ever have potential to be great, was I ever really a good person?


I just don't know anymore. I have never really had a sense of direction in my life but right now I feel like I'm going straight to the bottom and failed to make anything of myself, like I'm destined to be nothing. Not that I didn't have opportunity, but the fact that i've squandered what opportunities I was given, it just makes me think about whether I'm capable.

The only possible futures I can see are either living a long pathetic life or, chose to live a short pathetic life. Everything in life is a disappointment or instant gratification preceding disappointment. Maybe i've been lost in my growing poly drug addictions for too long, but I'm just too deep to know

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

That's unfortunate to hear, man.

All I know about you is you seem smart, resourceful and available to help guide others in the right direction.

Clear headedness, I think, is something it sounds like you value. And believe me when I say it comes with sobriety.

People change, but I feel like nothing is definite.

 

[Neuroborean]

I have no self control anymore, I get pissed at every little thing, and I cant even think straight anymore. Feels like people don't want to be around me, I can barely hold a conversation for 5 minutes and my sense of humor has been completely wrecked.

You're probably frustrated, I'm also frustrated and I cannot bear anything that goes against my sense of "decency" and the bare minimum that I expect from humans, is difficult to be empathetic when you're fucked up by your life not being like you expected, but that doesn't mean it needs to be like that forever, that's a belief that you put there because of how you feel.

'm probably gonna get fired from my job, I fucking hate it there anyway but it still feels bad. I feel like I've lost so much mental capacity, if me from 5 years ago saw me today he wouldn't even recognize me, I don't recognize me.

yep, I've felt that after 25-27 my mental capacity, wit and originality of thoughts is going downwards in a spiral like collapse, is something that makes me feel so bad, cause I had very high expectations of my intelectual and creative potentials, but things tend to get better in nuance and some other stuff, but in terms of highest biological potential our best is mid twenties, after that it's just... polish our inner world, I think.
I feel that kratom has made me less of a person in terms of being quick witted and deep, it's sad, but I feel I can stop using it, it has been a painful period of my life (not because of using it, but coinciding with its use) and now things are slowly getting better. Same could happen to you,

I have no control over my addiction anymore and I dont even know what came first, chicken or egg. Have I always been generally inadequate and annoying to people, did I ever have potential to be great, was I ever really a good person?


I just don't know anymore. I have never really had a sense of direction in my life but right now I feel like I'm going straight to the bottom and failed to make anything of myself, like I'm destined to be nothing. Not that I didn't have opportunity, but the fact that i've squandered what opportunities I was given, it just makes me think about whether I'm capable.

Is true that as you get older opportunities are less likely to happen but that doesn't mean so much, as you can create the conditions for that opportunities to happen and build them yourself.
Feeling that you're unable or a failure doesn't equate you actually are that, the thing is that your soul/body, or whatever the name you want it to put it, your real inner deep self is telling your conscious self: "you need to change this, things are going bad, so please, change yourself for the better". But that part that is advicing you to that is always there and it's not going to get harmed or wasted, there's always something of the real you that will be untouched and pure.
What are you addicted to by the way?

The only possible futures I can see are either living a long pathetic life or, chose to live a short pathetic life. Everything in life is a disappointment or instant gratification preceding disappointment. Maybe i've been lost in my growing poly drug addictions for too long, but I'm just too deep to know

So you are seeing that what makes your life "pathetic" are not things that are necessary, are contingent things that appears themselves as "necessary" because you didn't find anything better to replace them or you feel you're not strong enough to replace them, but the fact that you are able to recognize it its the most important point, once you hit the bottom you'll be able to find the soil on where you can root yourself and grow again.

 

[hylite]

It seems like the whole world is going through some kind of frustration. I feel the same way, afraid to be around anyone. Everyone and I mean everyone seems to be just popping off right now.

Just be productive at your job and they will need you. Try to smile a few times a day. Just be spiteful and try it. Or be calm around people and try to say as little as possible and just observe them too.

It seems like everyone has to be inflicted with some kind of suffering. I don't know maybe it is the sun, sending off some high dosage flares currently and making us all agitated.

Don't do too many substances at once. That's where I got into problems. Try to cut back a lot more too. You know sometimes less is more.

The season's are getting ready to change and it's going to get cold. Please try to focus on all of the things that you do have and good things to keep you strong and moving forward. Appreciate what you do have and your health. And that you aren't freezing to death in extreme conditions.

Focus on what you do have because it could be so much worse . You could be stricken with a painful crippling disease and have to be in a wheel chair or in unbearable debilitating life ending pain.

Just focus on what you do have and cut back little by little. You are going to have to move forward anyway so you mind as well make it so it will be better. Then you can focus on other things. Some things that will make you happy.

Or just eat healthy and try to be as healthy as possible so that you won't suffer. You're fine !!!! Gotta strong push forward try. I know it's tiring. Just try to rest as much as possible and balance. Find a place to go swimming. It's so relaxing and will make you sleep like you are on a cloud. Lol. Damn. Keep trying.

 

[somnilicious]

Kratom taken everyday made me feel exactly as you describe. People tend to praise it and place it as being a better option than methadone or Suboxone for opiod replacement maintenance,due to the fact that it is natural but I've honestly never liked kratom and it gave me horrible side effects in comparison. I find it to be an ineffective maitainance drug. For some it may work but for me going back on methadone has been life changing for the better. I'm at 2yrs totally clean except methadone and my life has gotten exponentially better.

I'm not telling you to go on methadone, not at all. I simply wanted to relate my negative experience with kratom, which was similar to what you are describing and so much worse. Life, can and will get better, when we put in the work to change. Sometimes it gets worse before better.

Today at 41 I find myself feeling better than at anytime in my life. My finances, job, opportunities and variety of life options have all progressed to a point that I finally find myself happy, free and optimistic, when 3yrs ago I couldn't drive because of a DUI, I was completely bankrupt, living back with parents, poly addicted and my only job prospects were minimum wage gas station or food service jobs. service gigs. I thought things would never get better. Now I don't see how things could possibly be better because I'm already there.

Wishing you the best my friend. Life can change for the better faster than we often expect. Just know that feelings and circumstances are temporary.

Much love from Somni...

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

Someone maybe said some time ago or then it is just bullshit

"Youth goes to waste in hands of young..."

Basically your situation resembles my journey. I had actually been out of direction for long. So I crashed, and it wasn't only about drugs.

But I must appreciate my life now more. I can see the whole picture, kinda.

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

I appreciate everyone's responses. I honestly forgot I wrote this


I need a change, I have to change something, because I can't live like this for much longer

 

[negrogesic]

You have a kratom habit, right? Daily use of kratom definitely sucks the soul out of person I find. With daily use my sense of humor disappears, and I become this sort of anhedonic, irritable shell of myself. The anti-dopaminergic properties of some of the kratom alkaloids gives the drug a uniquely anhedonic quality.

At this very moment I'm at a hotel and consumed some kratom just moments ago. I took some kratom with me on this trip because in the weeks prior to this trip I had been consuming too much of my home grown opium (which I should have never grown in the first place), and didn't want to be in light withdrawal throughout this. But I've been irritable the whole time, cramming down capsules of regular kratom and extract, not really feeling anything good at all. Last night I was at a comedy club and while my girlfriend was next to me laughing (along with everyone else) I just sat there feeling irritated, annoyed, sort of hating humanity, fumbling in my pockets for more loose kratom extract capsules to consume.

But I wouldn't go as far as @somnilicious and recommend something like methadone. As much as I like methadone (it probably saved my life), it is a very heavy duty solution and often leads to permanent dependency.

I wouldn't even recommend buprenorphine, since that has its own set of soul-sucking issues. One great benefit of kratom is that as far as opioids go, it is relatively forgiving in terms of withdrawal process. But in many ways this is offset by how readily available it is. Must be how the alcoholics feel, their drug of choice being sold everywhere.

I would try to give it up if I were you.

 

[somnilicious]

You have a kratom habit, right? Daily use of kratom definitely sucks the soul out of person I find. With daily use my sense of humor disappears, and I become this sort of anhedonic, irritable shell of myself. The anti-dopaminergic properties of some of the kratom alkaloids gives the drug a uniquely anhedonic quality.

At this very moment I'm at a hotel and consumed some kratom just moments ago. I took some kratom with me on this trip because in the weeks prior to this trip I had been consuming too much of my home grown opium (which I should have never grown in the first place), and didn't want to be in light withdrawal throughout this. But I've been irritable the whole time, cramming down capsules of regular kratom and extract, not really feeling anything good at all. Last night I was at a comedy club and while my girlfriend was next to me laughing (along with everyone else) I just sat there feeling irritated, annoyed, sort of hating humanity, fumbling in my pockets for more loose kratom extract capsules to consume.

But I wouldn't go as far as @somnilicious and recommend something like methadone. As much as I like methadone (it probably saved my life), it is a very heavy duty solution and often leads to permanent dependency.

I wouldn't even recommend buprenorphine, since that has its own set of soul-sucking issues. One great benefit of kratom is that as far as opioids go, it is relatively forgiving in terms of withdrawal process. But in many ways this is offset by how readily available it is. Must be how the alcoholics feel, their drug of choice being sold everywhere.

I would try to give it up if I were you.

To be clear I did not recommend methadone. Quite the contrary. I was only relating my experience with kratom. My post probably could have done without even mentioning methadone so as to not add confusion but I wanted to relate it as to my own personal recovery to show how life can change. Though I'm still taking methadone. I simply find it much better to take for maintenance than kratom but then again I've been an opiate addict for 25yrs. I guess I just see a lot of hate for methadone and love for kratom, with people talking down the former because it's the government preferred option and not plant based like kratom.

I really did try with kratom but the side effects were horrible in comparison to my times on methadone. I didn't sleep a wink for 6 months. I was always anxious, disphoric and jittery. My hand developed a wicked tremor and I always felt like I had to pee with a urinary tract infection. Not to mention shoveling grams upon grams of plant matter down my throat every 4-6 hours and don't even get me started on the desert like constant dry mouth. It definitely did a number on my mental state.

Once again though, I don't know enough about the situation and definitely wasn't suggesting methadone as I stated in the OP. Simply relating my experience and sharing some hope is all.

 

[DieselNDope]

My thoughts go out to you man..
Your upset and lost and need some help...I don't know what I could do other then to lend an ear...
I feel almost the entire exact same way as you do, although mine isn't directly drug related.
The lost feeling the emotional emptiness from "life".
Anymore I just don't care to even try... honestly though, it bothers me because I think on it often.

I have no self control anymore, I get pissed at every little thing, and I cant even think straight anymore. Feels like people don't want to be around me, I can barely hold a conversation for 5 minutes and my sense of humor has been completely wrecked.

I understand.....
maybe not in the adequacy of your situation.... But this here hit home.
Stay strong. Stay healthy. We are here.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I appreciate everyone's responses. I honestly forgot I wrote this


I need a change, I have to change something, because I can't live like this for much longer

Hey man, I don't have much to add that everyone else hasn't already said.

All I can say from my own experience is that if we are doing it right, we ALL change. One of the hardest things I had to do in my 30s was to come to terms with not becoming who I thought I would be during my 20s. Once I realized I would never be the same person again, instead of continuing to fight it I embraced the change. Not that I gave up on life, I just gave up on trying to live by the expectations of my previous self.

My favorite professor used to say: Humans are constantly in a state of becoming. When I was a dumbass 20 year old the first time I heard him say it, the statement didn't really mean anything to me. But I never forgot it. By the time I was beginning my 40s, the quote really resonated with me.

Don't be so hard on yourself if you aren't on the same trajectory you thought you'd be on when you were younger. IMHO life is cyclical. Sometimes we are doing great and other times we aren't. The important thing, whether going up or down, is to keep moving forward

 

[Neuroborean]

Daily use of kratom definitely sucks the soul out of person I find. With daily use my sense of humor disappears, and I become this sort of anhedonic, irritable shell of myself. The anti-dopaminergic properties of some of the kratom alkaloids gives the drug a uniquely anhedonic quality.

Yeah, I agree, not entirely but well, kind of.
I think those anhedonic d2 antagonist molecules are something that are barely noticeable at the beginning but they start accumulating in our bodies when you get into daily use or daily multidosing....
They are really anhedonic and zombiefying, it reminds me of a natural antipsychotic it is used in ayurveda, rauwolfia serpentina, that has super potent anti dopaminergic (depleting) and anti serotonin activity.
In fact kratom alkaloids are being studied for creating new antipsychotic compounds...
I don't get irritable, but moody and unmotivated, the opposite of how it affected me at the beginning with occasional use.

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

@somnilicious do they even offer methadone or subs to people on kratom? I have thought about switching despite the protracted withdrawal and such because I just feel completely mentally crippled on kratom. I assumed if I went into a clinic and said I was on kratom they'd just laugh me out of the building. I have considered getting random fent pills or "h" just to stop this, but luckily I don't have any connections nor enough charisma to cold cop.

The hilariously ironic part of all this, I originally started using opiates to treat my depressive swings because I knew that the drugs doctors would give me would dull my mind.

Pretty sure the universe is all just a cosmic joke

 

[hylite]

I appreciate everyone's responses. I honestly forgot I wrote

At least your post's are coherent. I sometimes stumble on my post's and can't even remember writing it. I read it three times and and think well maybe. Lol.
Anyway thank you for YOUR help. This is a nice focused and positive roll !

 

[Jabberwocky]

When I was 26 or so I had an epiphany much like yours, I saw where I was and what the odds said. So I asked myself, what would god want me to do even though I didn't really believe in God and my attitude was to throw myself on the mercy of the world and say "prove it”. So I set about trying to accomplish my task, though like you I planned a two track life also, AKA, one foot in the grave. Maybe the only thing I regret is planning for the what if? in case I fail. Maybe I didn't need to do the two track method but then again nothing I did from that time forward I did myself, there were are always people doing things to help me whether I knew it or not. So that was 30 years ago and I feel a little foolish, and have a lot of regrets for what I've put my family, my wife, my kids, and my friends through. No I wouldn't do it that way again, especially if I had known I needn't have done it that way. It may feel like your head is being held underwater now but rest assured you will pop up to the surface. I think the song that set it all off for me was U2's BAD, I don't know why, I don't even like U2 since after Gloria, but I went for a swim and cried my eyes out, and then I guess, went about my task with some clear direction. You will survive this.

 

[somnilicious]

@somnilicious do they even offer methadone or subs to people on kratom? I have thought about switching despite the protracted withdrawal and such because I just feel completely mentally crippled on kratom. I assumed if I went into a clinic and said I was on kratom they'd just laugh me out of the building. I have considered getting random fent pills or "h" just to stop this, but luckily I don't have any connections nor enough charisma to cold cop.

The hilariously ironic part of all this, I originally started using opiates to treat my depressive swings because I knew that the drugs doctors would give me would dull my mind.

Pretty sure the universe is all just a cosmic joke

I'm not sure. I don't see why not. I'll try and remember to ask on Monday when I pickup my take homes.

I'll be honest.... I myself would rather be taking Suboxone than kratom to help get some clarity. You only dose once a day and once you adjust you'll get no buzz whatsoever, so it gets you out of the drug taking state of mind. You won't be yoyoing up and down, with highs and lows. Kratom just had too many side effects to me.

You actually might find it easier to taper Suboxone if you don't stay on it for an overly long extended period of time.

I didn't experience the excruciating kratom withdrawal because my body rejected anymore than 20-30grams a day and I actually was able to taper down pretty fast because I wasn't taking that much for very long and dosing was just so dysphoric at times for me but I have heard of people having horrendous withdrawal and for those people caught in that situation of constantly chaising the dragons tail, I believe Suboxone to be a viable option for transitioning off kratom.

 

[hylite]

There are going to be
very painful moments
in your life that will change
your entire world in a matter
of minutes.

These moments
will change YOU. Let them
make you stronger, smarter,
and kinder. But don't you go
and become someone that
you're not.

Then straighten
out your hat and
keep it moving.

 

[hylite]

Some people could be given
an entire field of roses and
only see thorns in it.

Others could be given a
single weed and only see the
wildflower in it.

Perception is a key component to
gratitude, and gratitude is
a key component to joy.

 

[hylite]

We have to keep going.

Even when it's necessary,
even when all of our strength
seems gone,

we have to
keep picking ourselves back
up and moving forward,

because whatever we're battling
in the moment, it will pass,
and we will make it through.

We've made it through this far.
We can make it through
whatever comes next.

 

[hylite]

It eventually gets better,
without any sort of explanation;
one day you just realize that
you're no longer upset. You're no
longer mad, hurt, or bothered by
the thing that took so much of
your energy and thoughts. You
will find yourself in a peaceful
place and enjoy that feeling.