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I can't seem to stop being angry at my ex girlfriend.

Z

ZayKayWill

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 19, 2016
Messages
54
To make a long story short I lost my girlfriend (Girl 2) about a year ago due to her thinking that I still liked my ex girlfriend (Girl 1). The main reason why was because for Girl 1's birthday I had gotten her a fairly generous gift. It was a skydiving certificate. She had an ex that she considered a best friend...so I figured we understood each other on that manner. I'm still really good friends with Girl 1 as well. And if she also has a good relationship with an ex, wouldn't you think she would have understood where I came from? To be honest I'm not necessarily mad that she broke up with me...I'm more mad in how she did it. I'm not gonna lie I did do some things that would appear shady to pretty much anyone. When I had gone up to visit her (it was a long distance relationship) there were some messages that I was showing another girl that I quickly took back and didn't want her to see...the messages were in regards to when I went to rehab. I know that was a huge mistake on my part. It would appear shady to anyone, so I honestly don't blame her for being suspicious and uncomfortable. Especially since that's my SO...and if I was comfortable discussing rehab to another girl, why wouldn't I talk to her about it, too, right? My girlfriend at the time knew about rehab, it was just that I was up visiting her in England for Thanksgiving...and well I just didn't want that conversation to come up. I didn't want to get depressed or embarrassed about it, you know?

She didn't break up with me right away. I told her about the gift buying in November right before I went to go visit her for Thanksgiving. She finally broke up with me in February, due to her seeing a status I posted on Facebook that seemed like I still liked my ex. I don't see why she would let that bother her, seeing as how I would NEVER post something like that on my Facebook if I was really sending out a message that I still liked Girl 1, but yeah. It also apparently bothered her that I hung out with Girl 1 (and her boyfriend may I add) on New Years (of 2015) so a year ago from yesterday. She didn't tell me that until she finally broke up with me in February, though.

I just don't get why after a year I'm still dwelling on it this hard. She wanted to be friends, but I said no. It's one thing to just say, "I don't know if I can trust you, let's just be friends." but she got nasty, called me a bunch of names and all that stuff...so I just ended up hating her and taking her off Facebook. I guess what makes me so mad is how angry and spiteful she got about the gift buying. She literally considers one of her exes one of her best friends. It just seems hypocritical to be getting so mad. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I get that she was so far away so there was really no way for her to see the reality of the situation plus hiding the messages...but I was 100% honest about the gift buying. I didn't hide anything from her, so I figured that would have been enough for her to trust me. Would love to hear your guys input. I think maybe just deep down inside I'm mad at her for leaving me and still can't seem to accept that she's finally gone? Idk. The fact that she's 11/10 hot doesn't really help, either. *sigh* :/
 
Sounds like maybe you loved her and didn't really want it to end. Idk. It sucks but it wasn't meant to be. Move on and if you catch yourself thinking about her force yourself to stop and eventually it will be much easier.
 
You dont continue "being friends" with an ex, and buying her expensive gifts. That is just such a rookie mistake, sorry man. That was a terrible idea. That, along with not being fully open with her about rehab, etc. Look, bottomline is, if you want to be with a woman, you spend time, money, and effort on her. Not your ex. Consider it a lesson learned and move on. Or, offer a sincere apology and try to get back together. Oh, and, delete your facebook account.
 
protovack said:
You dont continue "being friends" with an ex, and buying her expensive gifts. That is just such a rookie mistake, sorry man. That was a terrible idea. That, along with not being fully open with her about rehab, etc. Look, bottomline is, if you want to be with a woman, you spend time, money, and effort on her. Not your ex. Consider it a lesson learned and move on. Or, offer a sincere apology and try to get back together. Oh, and, delete your facebook account.
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You don't think exes can continue to be just platonic friends? And just fyi it's not like I haven't spent that amount of money on her...and it's hard for me to be sympathetic to her when she had an ex that was a *best* friend. You don't think that anyone who said that would have understood where I came from? :/
 
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One CAN be friends with an ex. But in your situation, basically, two people who both appear to be significantly invested in prior partners, I am not surprised in the slightest that you broke up. It doesn't seem like either of you were super invested in the relationship. I think your anger, is over that which could have been, had the two of you made better decisions. You have to move on, and try not to repeat the same mistakes. Take it from someone who has had multiple "exes" and finally got married. You can't toy around with exes while trying to start a new relationship, and this includes being "platonic friends" with them. "Platonic" friends is a term thrown around loosely. Platonic as in "purely spiritual" and in "no way sensual or physical". Sorry, it's a myth. As a human in a physical body, there is no such thing as platonic anything. It's a theoretical concept divorced from reality. Especially AFTER you have been intimate with someone, you have formed a permanent bond that cannot be broken merely by invoking the ideas of Plato.
 
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It is easy enough to stay friends with your ex's, refraining from sleeping with them not so easy unless they got unattractive, fat, or diseased over the years.

I am still friends with both women I was married to. One tripled her body weight post divorce and the other just recently decided that she was no long bi but really gay, like really short butch hair, so even though she is still bi when it comes to me I think I am good on that, unless till her hair grows back in.

I dunno but this is a lil off subject but she is always having some sort of mid-life crisis or gender identity crisis or just into something different sexually so I mean she always been bi but I knew that and was more than ok with it but still I think she just likes attention while swearing she wants to be left alone. It's either that or she hasn't realized facebook is a really bad idea for a diary.

Anyways I usually stay friends with my ex's but somewhere down the road one of us usually does something and we end up having sex, usually between relationships so I dunno it isn't on purpose but for example if I did have a rough breakup I would call some chick I dated and we might drink and just talk or we might drink and just fuck.

Then if I was to get back with whoever I broke up with like if it is the type of person who breaks up with someone and begs for them back in an attempt for them to change a behavior pattern well fuck them, I was single then and they don't need to know what happened while I was single.

That being said if I date a woman and break up I usually don't stay friends for sex and I don't sleep with all my ex's but it does happen.

I think now that I am a bit older and do less drugs I wouldn't sleep with my ex's anymore. I don't live in the biggest city so there is kinda a limit on attractive woman my age I haven't slept with so in that situation just wanting to have an ordinary sex life if you run into someone you used to date a long time ago chances are it just starts with a bit of flirting cuz you are bored and at the bar.

Now I really avoid the type who says they are best friends with their ex and they spend alot of time with their ex, they are fucking their ex on the regular and still dating other people. They might as well be swingers.
 
protovack said:
One CAN be friends with an ex. But in your situation, basically, two people who both appear to be significantly invested in prior partners, I am not surprised in the slightest that you broke up. It doesn't seem like either of you were super invested in the relationship. I think your anger, is over that which could have been, had the two of you made better decisions. You have to move on, and try not to repeat the same mistakes. Take it from someone who has had multiple "exes" and finally got married. You can't toy around with exes while trying to start a new relationship, and this includes being "platonic friends" with them. "Platonic" friends is a term thrown around loosely. Platonic as in "purely spiritual" and in "no way sensual or physical". Sorry, it's a myth. As a human in a physical body, there is no such thing as platonic anything. It's a theoretical concept divorced from reality. Especially AFTER you have been intimate with someone, you have formed a permanent bond that cannot be broken merely by invoking the ideas of Plato.
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Idk about that man. Granted I'm not really all that attracted to her but there have been multiple occasions where we've been single and haven't done anything together. Plus I was still able to be friends with her and her boyfriend. So I mean idk. I don't really see 'best friend' as being 'close friends', but as in they still trust each other and can go to them if they need someone to talk to or want to talk about a certain subject or something like that.

Also just to make sure I'm reading you right: You're basically saying that 'platonic' is a myth because we as humans are naturally attracted to people of the opposite sex? If so that's true, but that doesn't mean you need to let your temptations get the best of you. You do have control. Not of your feelings. But your actions. Even if I did feel like engaging in physical activity with another woman aside from my current partner, I wouldn't because my mind would immediately go back to my current partner. The temptation could definitely be there, but it's up to me whether or not I choose to act upon said temptation. I mean....right? From what you said it sounds like you don't think that guys and girls can just be good friends and nothing more. And I seriously gotta disagree. I mean, if one of my attractive female friends came onto me, I probably wouldn't fight it I guess. But that doesn't mean that's my only motivation for wanting to be friends with them. I like getting females perspectives on things.
 
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My guess is that she's just not into a long-distance relationship right now while in college, that the initial passion is gone, but she needs a convenient excuse and this is what she went with.

And yes, people are hypocrites. But I doubt calling her one with the case of her ex would go over well..

Move on. Try and date girls in your area. Long-distance is extremely difficult while in college (I know from experience).
 
pofacedhoe said:
yes

but what you did was weird. i'd split up with you.

still chilling with your ex on new years and buying her expensive shit. come on
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You don't think she was being the last bit hypocritical on her end? If she wasnt' comfortable with me hanging out with her she should have said so. For all I know she could have been hanging with him on New Years and that's fine if it was platonic...plus Girl 1's boyfriend was there with her...Girl 2 knew that Girl 1 had a boyfriend...

Also tell me if this makes sense to you: When we finally broke up on the phone I had brought up to her, "Well aren't you still good friends with your ex?" Her response: "Psh no one will ever compare to me and him. We're such good friends I would share a bed with him if he needed to crash somewhere.' (this wasn't when we were together, just when she was single)

So let me get this straight. You can share a bed with an ex, and that be totally platonic, but me buying a gift for someone I've been friends with for 8 years means I still like her? I do things like that with all my friends. If you're gonna tell me that what I did was so weird but what she did was completely normal, then I have no idea what to say at this point.

...so yeah it's kind of hard for me to be sympathetic to her on that end. If I'm looking at it wrong please point it out for me. It honestly just feels as if she was mad that I did it regardless if my intentions were genuine or not. Again I can understand her being suspicious about hiding the messages, but I never hid anything else from her. I straight up told her everything. Doesn't that count for anything...?
 
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RedLeader said:
My guess is that she's just not into a long-distance relationship right now while in college, that the initial passion is gone, but she needs a convenient excuse and this is what she went with.

And yes, people are hypocrites. But I doubt calling her one with the case of her ex would go over well..

Move on. Try and date girls in your area. Long-distance is extremely difficult while in college (I know from experience).
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She wasn't in college. Neither of us were. I graduated but she's 35 (10 years older than me) and she still has yet to finish her degree...but yeah there were people who said that she was probably just using that as an excuse to get out of the relationship.
 
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No one has anything to say? I'm not trying to have the final word here (ok that's a lie), but I would love to hear your guys input. I really don't see why what I did was so wrong. Maybe it would be hard for the majority of people to see or understand, but my intentions were 100% genuine and I was honest about the whole thing...if it wasn't a long distance relationship chances are we'd probably still be together.
 
ZayKayWill said:
, but my intentions were 100% genuine and I was honest about the whole thing...
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You weren't though, i.e the hiding of the phone. Not from her view anyway. She was just connecting the dots... Even if she had the wrong ones.
 
Just sounds like 2 ppl not mesnt to be at this point in your lives..u will always think what could of been but u dont think about the bad..yes u could of been together forever or u could of had 3 kids,she gets tired and leaves you and u have to pay 75% of your check to support and alimony
 
I don't know why people continue to try to be friends with exes and are then surprised when this causes problems. People become exes for a reason... just break up properly and cleanly and move on.


ZayKayWill said:
No one has anything to say? I'm not trying to have the final word here (ok that's a lie), but I would love to hear your guys input. I really don't see why what I did was so wrong. Maybe it would be hard for the majority of people to see or understand, but my intentions were 100% genuine and I was honest about the whole thing...if it wasn't a long distance relationship chances are we'd probably still be together.
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Your intentions might have been 100% genuine but ultimately you're the only one who can be sure of that. I think one of the biggest arguments against trying to maintain "platonic" friendships with ex-partners (or even, in some cases, potential romantic partners, even if they are not actual exes) is the effect that it will likely have on your current partner. Relationships always require some compromise, and wanting to have your cake and eat it too (by maintaining a close friendship with an ex-partner while being romantically involved with someone else) is both slightly selfish and also just not realistic in almost all cases.

I am speaking about both of you here, by the way - whether or not one of you is a hypocrite, or were intentionally dishonest in any way is not actually that important, I think. Even though neither of you saw any inherent problem with the idea of maintaining a close friendship with an ex, it still eventually, predictably, caused problems.
 
Vastness said:
I don't know why people continue to try to be friends with exes and are then surprised when this causes problems. People become exes for a reason... just break up properly and cleanly and move on.


Your intentions might have been 100% genuine but ultimately you're the only one who can be sure of that. I think one of the biggest arguments against trying to maintain "platonic" friendships with ex-partners (or even, in some cases, potential romantic partners, even if they are not actual exes) is the effect that it will likely have on your current partner. Relationships always require some compromise, and wanting to have your cake and eat it too (by maintaining a close friendship with an ex-partner while being romantically involved with someone else) is both slightly selfish and also just not realistic in almost all cases.

I am speaking about both of you here, by the way - whether or not one of you is a hypocrite, or were intentionally dishonest in any way is not actually that important, I think. Even though neither of you saw any inherent problem with the idea of maintaining a close friendship with an ex, it still eventually, predictably, caused problems.
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this

it just ends up being annoying- at some point benefit of the doubt wears thin and errodes what the new relationship has to offer

give yourself a long time after a break up then be friends. not just oh i split up but am still friends
 
pofacedhoe said:
this

it just ends up being annoying- at some point benefit of the doubt wears thin and errodes what the new relationship has to offer

give yourself a long time after a break up then be friends. not just oh i split up but am still friends
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That's how it was. I wasn't friends with my first ex for a couple of years, and now we are. Not sure what her story was but they split up about 7 years ago. Oh well. I guess at this point there's really nothing I can do. Like I said I wasn't exactly mad that she left me. Just the way she did it. She kept trying to get me to say that what I did was so wrong rather than just point out, "Hey...you hid some messages. What am I supposed to think?" Just tried her best to just put me down and make me feel bad :/ like I said I guess there really was no way of her knowing since she was so far away, but if you were unsure you should have just left me...not tried to put me down and make me feel like I was never even worth it...ugh. She broke up with me a total of 3 times, and not once did I yell at her or try to 'put her in her place'. It just hurts that she was so adamant on doing that...I mean for God's sake she's a 36 year old woman and even she admitted herself that I was more mature than her....and she seriously wonders why I took her off Facebook....she seriously was just playing games and fucking with my head... :'(
 
sounds like it was never gonna work

there was no trust

she had prob cheated on you. my guess after watching a lot of jeremy kyle this past decade

wanting you to admit culpability for some perceived notion.
 
pofacedhoe said:
sounds like it was never gonna work

there was no trust

she had prob cheated on you. my guess after watching a lot of jeremy kyle this past decade

wanting you to admit culpability for some perceived notion.
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What exactly from my post gives you the idea that she cheated...? I honestly find that a bit hard to believe because a month after we had broken up she had called me out of the blue because she needed someone to talk to after she out of nowhere found out that her dad wasn't really her dad...35 years of being lied to. And she had mentioned that some guy asked her out, but she said no because she still likes me...I mean that could have been a lie so I wouldn't have been mad but...idk the feelings were definitely still there. She really had nothing to gain by telling me that she still liked me. She knew she still had me on a string. She didn't have to admit to that.
 
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You both sound terrible.

You, as a partner, should not be spending holidays with your ex and giving her expensive gifts when you have a girlfriend, whether said girlfriend is comfortable with it or not. For some people, it's okay to have their S.O remain friends with an ex, but not if they give them the same treatment that they would give their S.O. That is the difference. You should also not do things like frantically hide messages from her when she's present, because that's just a dick move and is obviously going to lead to someone accusing you of being unfaithful.
She, as a partner, should not hold her boyfriend to a double standard that leaves him confused and ignorant. She, as an ex, should also quit trying to manipulate you for your attention.

Neither of you need to be in a relationship with anyone until you learn from your mistakes and each others' mistakes. There's no way that this was healthy or would ever be healthy, and that is on both of you. You seem to just be trying to get someone to validate your feelings that she's a hypocrite who deserves anger, which isn't necessarily wrong, but you can't put this out there and not expect people to tell you something you don't want to hear.
 
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