Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

[Jabberwocky]

Whatever you end up (metaphysically/emotionally speaking), sending you lots of good vibes and metta and stuff while you make your final transition simco

Hey sim
Hope your trek to friends was safe, physically and mentally.

Im reminded of a quote from a Mark Lawrence book

"Clarity of vision is a thing much prized. I find when you turn the clear light upon yourself - and see through to the truth behind your own actions - it might be better to be blind. "

Except I disagree. It may be difficult to see the truth and even harder to accept it but sometimes we get what we need. Not what we want.

And two more quotes, to ponder (forgive me, I have a thing for quotes and I keep a running tally of memorable ones):

This from the same book...
"We walk a narrow path, insanity on each side. A man without contradictions to balance him will soon veer off."
And
"Its only after weve lost everything that we can be anything"
From Fight Club

I too will keep you in my thoughts
Remember that you have a right to be happy and free,even during difficult times.

Much love
toc

Ah so much wisdom in reading Fight Club

Sim- Hope you had a safe trip.

Saint Jude retreat sent me the information portfolio. Absolutely amazing place (your kinda place TPD) However--its astronomically expensive.

I'm trying for the scholarship. I have to write an essay. I must be detoxed before going. They offer an IV detox.

First they fly you to AZ- for the 2wk IV detox. Then fly you to Albany NY. I really want this. I would be gone for 3mos. I need it. My marriage needs reevaluation. My thoughts are with you Sim.

Shoot me a pm with a link to their website. I always enjoy trying vet rehabs, when I get going even calling and eventually fucking with them a little to bring out their shortcomings, although if it's a good place that isn't really possible

 

[simco]

Wow, I just looked at BL for the first time since landing in CA. All I can say is thank you all for being so kind and encouraging. I’m blown away by the beautiful and wise support.

I’m still trying to pull myself together so probably won’t be online a lot for a few more days. But I wanted to let you all know that I made the trip safely. Now it’s time to start picking up the pieces.

Love to all of you. ??

 

[aihfl]

Sim, I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through. My dad died in 2013 and then I separated from my ex in 2014 and I had a breakdown. That's when my drinking and prescription drug abuse really got out of hand. I totally get what you're going through. I've been there. I'm going to spend Christmas with my mother in Tennessee and I am looking forward to getting away from Florida and having a nice change of scenery. It will be nice to see hills and mountains and maybe experience snow again for the first time in several years and seeing old friends.

 

[curtisdaniel777]

very good job! 6 weeks is good. but do not think about the days you have, think about one day, this very moment, and remember that there are mannny mannny more out there who suffered at the hands of opiates. I am one of them. I relapsed so many times I lost count. been through several 28 day'er joint's and they only worked for a couple months then back to using. My drug of choice was heroine through IV. Started out with the vicodin's from the dentist when I was but 17 yr old lad
then moved to percocet then oxy's then snorting H then shooting H.

I never had a full year of sobriety. At least never while i was doing the NA AA paths counseling, outpatient. None of it ultimately got me through more than 60 days of clean/sobre on the outside. Of course we can stay sober in the institutions, and jails. But the real world is where we must always return to

AA and NA are good programs, it works for many. the numbers .stat's prove it. But not for me, I add bipolar to the mix, which is called dual diagnosis, and it's a bit messy when it comes to treating addiction. SOOOO , BACK TO YOU !! , I wanted to tell you a bit about me so u understand that I have first hand knowledge of the situation which you are going through

my breakthrough was a new clinic opened here which offered MMT methadone maintenance treatment. I FINALLLLY got my first year clean after going everyday, day in and day out. Drug test's every month I look forward to now, and after 18 months of clean drops, they give you 2 week take home's and you only have to go in twice a month *obviously .. and the statistics on mmt are amazing but the stigma attached to it is terrible. It's just sad I did not have it available to me until a few years ago when they opened one in my city
I have no cravings, no reservations to use, no issues with the law any more, life has turned around for me. And I owe alot of it to MMT

God bless, hope this helped you out. And you have a great Christmas

 

[simco]

Sim, I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through. My dad died in 2013 and then I separated from my ex in 2014 and I had a breakdown. That's when my drinking and prescription drug abuse really got out of hand. I totally get what you're going through. I've been there. I'm going to spend Christmas with my mother in Tennessee and I am looking forward to getting away from Florida and having a nice change of scenery. It will be nice to see hills and mountains and maybe experience snow again for the first time in several years and seeing old friends.

Thanks, my friend. This is turning into a bigger deal than I anticipated. I’m desperately searching right now for a doc who will help me get on a buprenorphine regimen, as it feels like my best shot at avoiding falling back into that relapse I was just in.

Man, it really is true (for me at least): every time I relapse I escalates father and harder than the last time. This one was so shitty. I just want so desperately not to get caught up like that.

 

[aihfl]

Man, it really is true (for me at least): every time I relapse I escalates father and harder than the last time. This one was so shitty. I just want so desperately not to get caught up like that.

That is so true. During every relapse (and I've had a bunch), I never ended up where I was before, it was always worse.

 

[tired of crap]

Im sorry to hear that this most recent lapse is proving so difficult for you sim.
Obviously the divorce and the move could be compounding issues.
Do you have any thoughts on why this is proving so difficult?

And how do you folks mean difficult/worse than before? Emotionally, physically, usage? :S
IIRC sim you only used once, no?

 

[simco]

Im sorry to hear that this most recent lapse is proving so difficult for you sim.
Obviously the divorce and the move could be compounding issues.
Do you have any thoughts on why this is proving so difficult?

And how do you folks mean difficult/worse than before? Emotionally, physically, usage? :S
IIRC sim you only used once, no?

I wish I weren’t typing on my phone...I’d like to write more.

In terms the the relapse, it started with that one instance, and I felt ok about that. But a couple days later the relapse came back hard and I went all in for probably 5 days or a week.

When I say relapsing gets worse each time, I mean the whole shebang. It seems like it takes me less time to be using more dope more often than i had in the past. I also seem to get more reckless and self-damaging with each relapse. Sketchier people and situations to obtain drugs. Sometimes more intense poly-substance abuse (though H is always the center of gravity).

And last, really intense cravings when I manage to break the momentum. I’m fucking desperate for some subs right now. I don’t know why it’s so fucking hard to talk to a sub dr around here. Lame.

Sorry to be so crabby. I’m just feeling really low right now.

 

[Runningfox]

Sorry to hear it's all going so incredibly Shitty simco.
I've followed your story for months.

I guess its true what *they* say : addiction is a Progressive disease. In that each lapse it will take More (not less ) to achieve last time's level of relief and the dangers (all of them from as you say, Sketchy connects ---> health concerns and every thing in between ) will manifest as Greater dangers each time.
Toss in the fact that Life Circumstances are Helllllll right now and you've got a written recipe for absolute disaster.

We are all pulling for you, I personally am Praying (I'm a Jesus freak) for your peace wellness strength and health.... prayers you'll connect Soon with a sub doc get inducted and on a decent regimen.

Take care!

 

[tired of crap]

Sim you didnt seem crabby man.
Sorry if I was stirring the pot by asking questions while this is all so fresh. Please feel free to ignore the forthcoming questions if they only make matters worse
... its just sometimes I find talking about these matter helps to better understand my usage/patterns/etc and while it may be difficult it is beneficial...
and I assume everyones the same (haha ... i know this isnt the case though)

I find it interesting that youre using more dope with each successive return. Could it be due to quality?
Also do you feel that youre cravings are more intense than previously? Or that youre craving escape more, perhaps due to the other stressful events?
Finally, do you mean that it is difficult to find a sub doctor or rather that it is difficult for you to talk to one?

...I know I quote this shit all the time but
"there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Life is a learning experience man, no need to berate yourself for making mistakes - they happen.
Just keep your eyes on the prize, whatever that may be to you.
I know youll be successful.

Sending positive vibes
Much love
toc

 

[simco]

Sorry to hear it's all going so incredibly Shitty simco.
I've followed your story for months.

I guess its true what *they* say : addiction is a Progressive disease. In that each lapse it will take More (not less ) to achieve last time's level of relief and the dangers (all of them from as you say, Sketchy connects ---> health concerns and every thing in between ) will manifest as Greater dangers each time.
Toss in the fact that Life Circumstances are Helllllll right now and you've got a written recipe for absolute disaster.

We are all pulling for you, I personally am Praying (I'm a Jesus freak) for your peace wellness strength and health.... prayers you'll connect Soon with a sub doc get inducted and on a decent regimen.

Take care!

Thank you. Btw, thanks for starting the Santa thread too...I like it!

 

[simco]

Sim you didnt seem crabby man.
Sorry if I was stirring the pot by asking questions while this is all so fresh. Please feel free to ignore the forthcoming questions if they only make matters worse
... its just sometimes I find talking about these matter helps to better understand my usage/patterns/etc and while it may be difficult it is beneficial...
and I assume everyones the same (haha ... i know this isnt the case though)

I find it interesting that youre using more dope with each successive return. Could it be due to quality?
Also do you feel that youre cravings are more intense than previously? Or that youre craving escape more, perhaps due to the other stressful events?
Finally, do you mean that it is difficult to find a sub doctor or rather that it is difficult for you to talk to one?

...I know I quote this shit all the time but
"there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Life is a learning experience man, no need to berate yourself for making mistakes - they happen.
Just keep your eyes on the prize, whatever that may be to you.
I know youll be successful.

Sending positive vibes
Much love
toc

Thanks man. You’re always insightful.

(Again, apologies for the tiny keyboard)

Some random answers to your questions...

In terms of doing more each time I go back, I meant two interrelated things. First is the frequency of use. Once upon a time I’d kinda wade back in tentatively, at first using only every few days but always winding up using daily. Now, once I commit to using, I hit it multiple times per day right out of the gate. And this helps erode my caution when it comes to dose...so I quickly ran up to more dope more often.

It certainly could be partly a result of bad gear. But I feel like I’ve found drugs of varying quality during these lapses and the result is the same.

I think it has more to do with my attitude. The thing that consistently pulls me towards relapse is an urge to harm myself physically and emotionally. Definitely, other stressful events exacerbate this and make me want to dive into the deep end of ugliness.

Regarding sub docs...my problem here is simply finding one.

Funny story actually...I did find a guy locally and finally got him on the phone. (I should preface this with—I’m staying in an area populated by incredibly rich wanker tech executives.) he casually informed me of his fee: $60k per month with a contract promising I’d stick around st least 12 months!!! Needless to say, no insurance accepted. My jaw dropped. I am not joking and not exaggerating. It blew my fucking mind.

Anyhow, thanks again everyone. Hopefully today I’ll get internet in this house and can return to using a real keyboard and screen.

 

[aihfl]

Funny story actually...I did find a guy locally and finally got him on the phone. (I should preface this with—I’m staying in an area populated by incredibly rich wanker tech executives.) he casually informed me of his fee: $60k per month with a contract promising I’d stick around st least 12 months!!! Needless to say, no insurance accepted. My jaw dropped. I am not joking and not exaggerating. It blew my fucking mind.

Good God, you could do inpatient at a luxury rehab for that amount of money!

 

[simco]

^^
I know. I couldn’t believe it. When I expressed my amazement, he was quick to assure me that he offers “a full medical concierge service.” I wanted to ask if that includes a reach-around and free piles of coke but decided against it.

 

[simco]

PS if you’ve ever seen the HBO show Silicon Valley, you know the kind of place I’m living. Yesterday I took my dog for a walk and we encountered a robot lawnmower. Just ridiculous.

 

[aihfl]

I had a psychiatrist in an IOP in 2014 who wouldn't accept insurance either (but he only charged $300 per office visit) but I discovered the reason for that was that he had been sanctioned at one point by the Florida Medical Board. He was a coke-addicted family practice doctor in Naples, Florida and had the disconcerting habit of dropping trou in front of female patients and discussing their charts in the buff. He even bragged to one that he was going to start the first chain of nude medical clinics in Florida. Can't make this shit up. Sounds like something that would be in a Carl Hiaasen or Tim Dorsey novel.

 

[simco]

That really does sound like a Carl hiassen situation.

 

[tired of crap]

Im the same way with my relapses sim.

Im instantly right back to the same amount and frequency (which is only 4/5 days a week because I dont drink when I have my daughter/have to drive to get her - thankfully).
But thankfully they continue to get shorter when they do happen.
Part of me seems to know its not right. To undo all my hard work.

I feel like recognizing why you relapse is the biggest part to overcoming it.
Personally Im escapist when it comes to my consumption so I force myself to practice daily meditation - where there is no escape! (Que evil laugh track)

For your scenario and propensity towards self harm perhaps you could partake in daily self love exercises.
Im sure tpb could aid in some meditation based self love/compassion exercises.
Are there any hobbies or whatever that you thoroughly enjoy and could just take 20-30 minutes (or whatever) a day to complete that would make you feel good?
I dunno what .... I found exercise was great (though Ive got away from it lately) and I like experimenting with cooking (mostly desserts haha) or growing plants (unfortunately nothing illegal - thatd be way more useful/cool) but for me there is something to be said for caring for living things and having them prosper (its also kinda experimenting too).

But holy f*****g god... I have never made 60 K in a year let alone a month. So that might be slightly outta my price range.
Unless the piles of coke were relatively pure and plentiful.
Anyways man, keep searching. I have faith youll find someone who is sanely priced.

Anyways, I think this will be my last post for a bit.
Ill catch you guys sometime after the new year.

My your holidays be healthful.
Much love.
toc

 

[Runningfox]

Merry Christmas TOC -- If we don't see ya before then. Have a safe n happy new years holiday.

 

[Tubbs]

Happy holidays toc. Sending good vibes your way