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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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I just finished my first week at my new job. It felt really good to be productive again...I haven't worked successfully for two years.

For some reason, though, all my bells were going off this week, thinking about using, wanting to use. Seems likely that going back to work may be behind the cravings; it was fairly (though not terribly) stressful. It could also be unrelated...the feelings seem pretty divorced from any particular cause.

In any case, I hope the cravings pass soon. This sucks.
 
Wishing you the best Simco. I have always found that during any stressful situation or anything new for that matter that my cravings rise up out of nowhere. It's the fear(excitement) of the unknown. The primitive brain tries to seek comfortable complacency while the higher brain seeks growth. It is the dichotomy or the battle between the two that I believe causes the cravings... Or I could just be talking out of my ass...lol.. Sounds good;)

BTW... congrats!!
 
somnilicious said:
Wishing you the best Simco. I have always found that during any stressful situation or anything new for that matter that my cravings rise up out of nowhere. It's the fear(excitement) of the unknown. The primitive brain tries to seek comfortable complacency while the higher brain seeks growth. It is the dichotomy or the battle between the two that I believe causes the cravings... Or I could just be talking out of my ass...lol.. Sounds good;)

BTW... congrats!!
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Thanks man. I don't think you're talking out your ass...to me, one of the most exhausting aspects of both addiction and recovery has been that feeling of being split into competing 'selves' that are at odds with each other.
 
Amen to that Sim. I'm right there w you.

So so is that where you've been? Busy w your new job. I've missed you around. In a little time, I believe your job will become very welcome. It's mind-blowing how strong dope grabs ahold of us. We've lived a majority of our life not using yet it's as if we've shot dope 3/4's of it. It really feels that way

3/4 of my addiction was oral opiates. And not getting high on them either. That wears off very quickly. A very small percentage was IV heroin. My brain just doesn't seem to understand that lol. You're doing awesome Sim. <3. Whether you realize it or not. You really are.
 
^^
Thanks, 10years!

Yeah, my job has encroached on my BL time ;). Hopefully I'll get better at balancing work and my other interests. Tho I suppose some of my radio silence has also been due to feeling on edge about wanting to use. Totally the wrong impulse--when the going gets tough I shut right down.

On Sunday I actually spent time haunting my new town trying to find the neighborhoods where the drugs are. I was on total autopilot. Not sure what I thought was going to happen.

Being back in full-time work mode reminds me of how I felt when I first started using heroin. I remember very clearly that in addition to liking the effects of the drugs, I *really* liked the deviant lifestyle shit that goes along with dope. I think that's kind of where my head is now...bucking against my responsibilities and being drawn to a lifestyle that rejects it all.
 
simco said:
I remember very clearly that in addition to liking the effects of the drugs, I *really* liked the deviant lifestyle shit that goes along with dope. I think that's kind of where my head is now...bucking against my responsibilities and being drawn to a lifestyle that rejects it all.
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I totally get that, believe me. I've been fascinated by drug culture for as long as I can remember. Growing up in the 1970's my idols were Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. My life's ambition was to become a rock star, sleep with a thousand women and choke to death on my own vomit at the age of 27!!! Sick as it sounds, to me it was the most romantic thing in the world. The American dream, so to speak 8(

I never did become rich & famous, and I thank God because I would have been gone a long, long time ago. I had enough of the "life" playing in local bands to realize that it's not all as glamorous as I thought it was. Crazy hours, going onstage hung over and dope sick, drunken audiences, shady managers and promoters, fighting with band members, etc.

All of my "grunge" heroes are gone: Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Scott Weiland and Chris Cornell. Now with Amy Winehouse and Chester Bennington, we're starting to lose the next decade. And they were all drug-related to some extent, even the suicides. It's so sad.

Just keep doing the right thing my friend, and I will try to do the same :D

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
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Fuck me. I'm still climbing the walls, wanting to use.

I'm feeling like the cravings are at least partly due to a) suddenly being back at a super-normal job and b) feeling like my one-year sobriety birthday is breathing down my neck. I'm not sure exactly why these things should have me feeling like I'm back in early recovery. But there it is.

...Or it could be due to stuff I'm not aware of at all...or due to nothing.
 
simco said:
Fuck me. I'm still climbing the walls, wanting to use.

I'm feeling like the cravings are at least partly due to a) suddenly being back at a super-normal job and b) feeling like my one-year sobriety birthday is breathing down my neck. I'm not sure exactly why these things should have me feeling like I'm back in early recovery. But there it is.

...Or it could be due to stuff I'm not aware of at all...or due to nothing.
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Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this.

There were two times that I quit smoking (cigarettes) for 10-11 months before relapsing, and I had a friend from AA that did the same thing twice with drinking. I'm not sure what the reason is, but it seems like more than a coincidence to me. It may be simply because it's on your mind more with the anniversary approaching.

I'm sure that it'll pass eventually. Hang in there, my friend.
 
Thanks, dreamflyer...Your experiences with anniversaries are relapse are really interesting. There's definitely a there there.

I'm going to try to hit a meeting on my lunch break today. I wanted to go yesterday, but got sucked into a conference call at work. Meetings aren't magical for me. But often if I'm really struggling, they can be a comfort.
 
Same for me w mtgs Sim.

Im struggling w cravings. Theres alot of stuff going on and I want to alleviate the tension. Its maddening.

I hope you find comfort at the meeting ❤
 
I ended up bagging on the meeting. Stupid. I needed to go. I know this situation is likely to get worse before it gets better, unless I take action.

I dunno. Today I actually feel like I'm understanding that this is serious. I'm sensing that I need to do the hard work. Hard work like I did when I first quit. I've been so shocked to be feeling like this...but that doesn't matter. It is what it is. Nothing to be done but finding a way to move forward with my recovery intact.
 
One of the good things about 12 step meetings is that they are ubiquitous. I'm sure there's another meeting you can hit in pretty short order. I'm glad that you recognize that you're not in a great place and recognize that you need to act proactively to get out of that place.
 
I managed to collect myself a bit over the weekend. The cravings are still going on, but they're diminished. I somehow couldn't motivate myself to go to a meeting. But I talked to several friends about what's going on. And spent a lot of time reflecting on what I used to do in early recovery to stay clear of dope. It sounds like such a small thing, but for me, one of the most crucial aspects for me is shutting down my fantasies about drugs. When I get like this it definitely helps if I explicitly redirect my thoughts whenever I catch them turning to scoring/using. Otherwise, my imagination gets very vivid and I can worth myself into a lather quickly.

I'm not sure how long things will stay like this. I could see the cravings staging a comeback. Or maybe I'll transition to having less psychic tumult. I hope so. But in any case, it's a relief not to feel quite so fragile.
 
Sim
The truth of the matter is using never ends well. Think about how backed into a corner you felt. Remember? You have come soo far. You don't want to fuck it up.

You're lucky your wife doesn't get drugs without asking you. It makes things worse. Hang in there Sim. You can do this. You ars in my thoughts. ❤
 
Sim, 10 is right. Using never ends well. I'm glad you are feeling better with or without a meeting, but they'll always be there for you if and when you feel you need them. Some of the small NA meetings I go to so little is said it ends up being an opportunity to meditate/reflect.
 
Hey sim,
Been a while since ive posted to your thread. Just read through the last few pages. It seems like things are improving as you settle into your new job/location, from when i had read last you had just moved.

Its funny how when things are going well we are too often tempted to sabotage ourselves. Like we cant just be happy being happy.

Anyways, hang in there buddy.
These cravings will pass.
 
tired of crap said:
Hey sim,
Been a while since ive posted to your thread. Just read through the last few pages. It seems like things are improving as you settle into your new job/location, from when i had read last you had just moved.

Its funny how when things are going well we are too often tempted to sabotage ourselves. Like we cant just be happy being happy.

Anyways, hang in there buddy.
These cravings will pass.
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Thanks, TOC! Things are still really dicey. I haven't relapsed yet, but not for lack of trying. And as I get more conflicted and confused, I can feel myself acting dumb and reckless. Nearly got myself popped trying to cop yesterday. Having no connects in my new town may be what saves me from myself. So long as I don't wind up in jail :\

More seriously though, I think that if I can just hang on and keep trying to work myself out of this that I'll be able to do it.

Everyone's support here on SL means so much to me. Thank you, everyone <3
 
Hey Sim, I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling with this. I know all too well how incredibly frustrating it can be.

EDIT: My apologies. I was thinking that I was in the "October" thread and started rambling about my own issues, so I came back to delete it. I bounce back and forth between threads (and forums) constantly, so I need to remember where the heck I am! :D

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
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