I Burned My Family's House Down While Nodded Out...

[6C The Second]

Let me clarify... I was not on opiates, but I had passed out while vaporizing synth cannabinoids off of foil. I was stupidly using a candle I had lit on the stove because my lighter just ran out. I was holding the candle when I passed out. I came to due to the heat forming next to me. My bed was about 1/6th in flames that were about a 6-8" tall. I freaked out and flipped the mattress trying to smother it. That did not work. I'm sure I could have put it out with water from the sink, but I was not thinking straight. I kept blacking out off and on until at the ER.

I got my mom out of the house. I ran back in to try to rescue my cats to no avail. When I did this I received 2nd degree burns on the top side of one arm all the way from hand to bicep, The side of my leg, and a very small portion of the top of my head. I ran out for air and then went to run back in, but was tackled by one of the first responders. I cant recall if he was a police man or firefighter...

Anyway, the entire upstairs was fire damaged and the downstairs was all water damaged. My family lost everything and was already in a very bad financial state to begin with. House was very far into foreclosure, so we no longer had insurance on it either... Only my sister will talk to me and even that feels like se doesnt really want to be associated with me. Im afraid to even contact my mother or father, let alone know what to say to them.

Most of my friends wont associate with me either. Even to talk about what happened.

I have a long history of addiction and have never succeeded with sobriety. A couple rehabs, sponsors, 12 steps, etc. Im on a few rehab waiting lists currently. Long term rehab. I am mentally destroyed from all of this. I had no idea I could miss my family so much. My cats all died too... That feels horrible. There were like my best friends...

Please just give me some feedback. I feel worse than I ever have before. Not suicidal, but I dont care if I die either. Help me.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Shit happens. There is no good reason to expect life to always treat you well. And we all make stupid mistakes. Sometimes we learn but there are no guarantees to that. There isn't much more one can say about something terrible like this. It was a mistake, remember that. It's not like you wanted this to happen. However that's a horrible way for cats to die. Don't do that shit again. You have to live with it.

 

[d3athadone]

holy fuck dude thats a lot to take in. You sound pretty clear headed considering. WHere are you living now? I dont wanna lie to you and be like thats not fucked cuz you obviously know it is. I guess its probably a good thing you are not talking to your family at the moment? I mean I would hide for a good while and let shit die down. I guess you just gotta do you right now man. Obviously all your support is out the door so its time to make it on your own. Personally, I have a nice place and thats about it. SOmetimes there is grocieres in the fridge but mostly not. So ya im probably not the person to help you get it together but I can sympathize bro. I put my friends and fam through a lot of shit too :/

 

[Sobrietysucks]

Damn that's a huge loss dude, anyonw in ur shoes would feel hella bad for burning everything ur folks had... At least everyone is still alive. I mean besides the cats.. Are you in the hospital right now ?

 

[d3athadone]

keep checking in dude im in withdrawl myself but ill talk to you. I know what its like when shit hits the fan.

 

[My3sons]

Time to get clean. That experience should be enough to wake you up. If I were you, the first thing I would do is get clean, get a job, place to live, give your parents some space. After that's complete, I would write a long apology letter and explain how sorry you are and you can't change what happened and are clean, working, and spending this time trying to make something of yourself to hopefully in time try and make it up to them. They are your parents and might be too upset to deal with you now but they'll come around. As a parent you will always lovelove your child. Right now they need to figure a lit out. Give them time. The worst thing you can do is use this as an excuse to keep getting high bc "you're just so upset and need to escape yourself." Getting clean will atleast be a gesture of showing them you are aware of your mistakes and are remorseful and learned from it. Hang in there. It's a big one but as they say this too shall pass.

 

[bomber]

Im not sure if this will make u feel better, but u are not the only one something like that happened to. My ex burnt her house with a cigarete after shooting a shit ton of H. That's what triggered her to stop dope.
I would suggest you to use this as a motivation to get clean. I know the failure of previous efforts dissapoints you, but this doesn't mean that will be always the case, propably this time you will be able to do it. Untill you finally get in the rehab, try to use more responsibly.
About your familly, I think you will fix things with them after you fix your self. Good luck.

 

[Mysterie]

im sorry to hear this, i hope you can repair the trust and bonds with the rest of your family. sometimes in life we lose control, and it is frightening. but i believe it all has a purpose and i hope somehow you can grow and fruit from this experience.
also my condolences to the cats as well as i have pets that i love dearly and rly my heart goes out to you.
theres never a point of no return imo, every moment is a chance we can take.

 

[spacejunk]

Oh man.
This is such a heartbreaking thing to read. I can barely imagine the emotional turmoil you must be going through.

Through the horror of it all, though - please try to remind yourself that you are not a monster; you had a terrible accident that had devastating consequences, but you did not mean for this to happen.

It's terrible - but understandable, i suppose, that your family aren't dealing with this well - but however they project their emotions onto you, please just try to remind yourself that you didn't mean for this to happen.

I understand times are really tough right now - but is there any way you could see someone for trauma counselling?

The self-blame, and lack of support from your family (which hopefully will be short-lived) is bound to cause you a lot of grief.
You need to find a way to cope with this as best you can - preferably without dangerous drugs.

I'm really sorry to read this - and especially saddened to read about your kitties.

I think it's really important to seek out any sources of emotional support you can right now; you didnt mean for this to happen, and blaming yourself for a terrible accident is not fair on yourself.

Please take care - my sincere condolences for your cats, but i'm glad that your family - at least - are safe.

 

[6C The Second]

The cats did not die from fire exposure, but from carbon monoxide poisoning. That somewhat lessened the blow. I was hospitalized for about 10 days. Lots of morphine, oxy, methadone and lorazepam which helped at the time... The hospital had it all set up for me to go to some homeless shelter in the city. Thankfully one of my only two friends who never ever left my side came through. His family took me in. As long as I dont do hard drugs. Possible. They all told me that since I'm living here that I am family and have treated me like so. They arent asking for anything in return, though I try to help where I can and plan on turning over some money once I find a job. It's a very small town, so I'm hoping I'll be able to find a job relatively soon. Maybe wait until I get this giant compression bandage off of my arm...

I'm going to look for a psych that accepts my insurance. Meanwhile you have all been much more helpful than Reddit... I think I might lock my Facebook. For the time being at least. I pretty much just hit the restart button on life, so I might as well couple a new fb with that. There is wifi and cable at my friends house, which I am not used to. That helps immensely with keeping me occupied, to an extent. My sister talked to me a lot last night, but she's my best friend. The couple people who do still talk to me let what conversation there is be rather one sided. I've been wearing my friends clothes which is kind of funny since he only wears skinny jeans that are already a size too small and a shirt size below mine. I am not fat, but I sure feel like it. Haha. His older bother is giving me a bunch of stuff he was about to donate. They have really been a God send.

Thank you so much everyone!

 

[Moreaux]

Absolutely beyond words, I am so sorry for your loss. Please keep in mind you are not well, this was unintentional and a very bad accident. I think you should context the rehabs you are on the wait list for and give them an update as to your situation to see if they can get you in sooner, you really shouldn't be alone right now. Please please please use this horrible tragedy as a learning experience. Hopefully one day you can draw strength from this time and use it to help others in similar circumstances with pain and addiction so it will not be for naught.

I am so sorry for your kitties. I have five myself and they have had to live with my addiction and subsequent recovery and the anxiety that goes with it. At the time I had nine, but some hve passed due to age. It's so hard as we will never get that time back to spend differently with them. Sadly, this will haunt you for the rest of your life. All you can do is make sure it doesn't happen again, and the best way to do that is by finding it within yourself to stop the substances. Synthetic cannabis is hard core, I can see how you blacked out.

I have a horrible question, are you certain they died and didn't escape outside? I hate asking this question and I know I shouldn't but my OCD won't let it go. We're their remains actually located? Again I am so sorry for your loss, my heart breaks for your situation.

 

[6C The Second]

They were all located. No burns.

If anyone asks about the (possible) scar on my arm I can say I was trying to save cats from a burning building...

(I use humor to escape all)

 

[My3sons]

OP we all make mistakes it's what you do after that really counts. How you handle yourself and what you take from the experience will show your true character. Question is what are you going to do now? Are you going to get clean or use this as an excuse to keep getting high?

 

[6C The Second]

I was definitely still using to escape while in the hospital. I actually kind of wish I was still there. Everything was just so easy. The food was actually very good and I got double portions for every meal(i have a high metabolism). I was always contently high, if not full on high... I would tongue my instant release oxy pills, dissolve, multi filter and then inject the solution into my IV port using a 10ml syringe I swiped. How fucked up is that? They caught me tonguing the meds and switched me to liquid oxy. Which I would pretend to wash down with gatorade as I actually let the liquid oxy run back into the gatorade that was the same color...

I am a very bad addict.

The first few days after leaving the hospital I thought I would have to be high all the time to deal with the grief. However, in order to live with my friends family I have to be off of hard drugs.

I had my phone interview with one of the rehabs today and am on the extensive waiting list... I did mention my situation in hopes of getting in faster, but no go. Thank you to whoever suggested that though. It's a good point.

I will be searching for other rehabs today.

I'm so happy I made this thread. You are all great. I really, really appreciate all this positive feedback. I really need it. Love you all.

 

[6C The Second]

I did some research and Betty Ford in CA accepts one of the insurance options that I currently have to choose from. Also, a plane ticket there would be very affordable. That'd be pretty amazing if I can actually make this happen.

 

[d3athadone]

I was definitely still using to escape while in the hospital. I actually kind of wish I was still there. Everything was just so easy. The food was actually very good and I got double portions for every meal(i have a high metabolism). I was always contently high, if not full on high... I would tongue my instant release oxy pills, dissolve, multi filter and then inject the solution into my IV port using a 10ml syringe I swiped. How fucked up is that? They caught me tonguing the meds and switched me to liquid oxy. Which I would pretend to wash down with gatorade as I actually let the liquid oxy run back into the gatorade that was the same color...

I am a very bad addict.

The first few days after leaving the hospital I thought I would have to be high all the time to deal with the grief. However, in order to live with my friends family I have to be off of hard drugs.

I had my phone interview with one of the rehabs today and am on the extensive waiting list... I did mention my situation in hopes of getting in faster, but no go. Thank you to whoever suggested that though. It's a good point.

I will be searching for other rehabs today.

I'm so happy I made this thread. You are all great. I really, really appreciate all this positive feedback. I really need it. Love you all.

Ive been through fucked up shit like this before. I know what you mean about wishing you still in the hospital. You will make it no matter what man. We always do. I dunno how your gonna sober up at your friend.s Its possible I did it once but with super accepting ppeople. Detox is messy as fuck. There is probably like a sign yourslef up today detox soemwhere. Will be like a homeless shelter but fuck I did it for like 5 days once. Also one time. I was so fucked didntg know what to do. Just told them I ate too many tylenol and needed to be checked in cuz i wa soff my rocker and pain was too deep. was like a 10 day stay where i detoxed in the psych ward with all these meds that knock you th efuck out no mantter what. Plus nobody eats their meals so its like 10 meals a day for boredom :/ It worked for me. ten days later i wlked out and could do things.

 

[herbavore]

I did some research and Betty Ford in CA accepts one of the insurance options that I currently have to choose from. Also, a plane ticket there would be very affordable. That'd be pretty amazing if I can actually make this happen.

I'll be hoping for that for you.

 

[Phil.McKeer]

Ouch man I can't even imagine how you feel and what's going on. I'm glad you made it through the first day or two without doing anything brash to yourself, I may have rationalized suicide in such a position.

There's going to be lots of blame. It was a mistake you made, but it there was no malice intended. You sound like you're doing well enough considering but remember its not as if you did it on purpose.

A friend of mine burned her apartment down with christmas lights through some kind of negligence on her part, not due to the lights themselves (I forget what it was but it was something). I myself have crashed two cars in 6 months texting (after 16 years of proper defensive driving). My dad left my oldest sister on the roof of his car and drove off during his first marriage (he didn't get far and she wasn't hurt thankfully but WHO DOES THAT). Stupid shit happens sometimes. Train operators make a single negligent mistake in 20 years of career service and create massive crashes that kill dozens of people.

None of that helps but...we're here. I guess that's the best part. We're ALL here - you are alive, no one died (human, sorry about the cats), and you can talk to us and we won't judge you.

Edit: There's even worse. There were these two brothers, neighbors and both good friends of mine since childhood to adulthood. We shared many interests and they were some of the first kids I smoked weed with. In adulthood they stopped getting along and we'd always have to hang out separately which was weird and I never liked it obviously. Then they started quarreling. One day a routine domestic violence incident that should have ended with a bruised eye, bloody nose or at worse broken rib resulted in a fatal stabbing of one brother by the other; luckily he absolved his brother of guilt before he went (as if that does the trick really, we all ostracized him after).

This is why the good things of life are so good, I guess, right? Because these dark parts are really sad and terrible.

 

[Moreaux]

I hope you're holding up okay. Wow - the Betty Ford Center, that would be awesome if you can get in there. Do they have any openings right now? I'll be hoping for you! Please keep us updated.

 

[6C The Second]

Betty Ford accepts Aetna, but not Aetna through Medicaid...
I am still on 2 different waiting lists, however.

I called the hospital to ask a burn nurse a question... I'm a legend for getting shit faced on Purell. I forgot this happened, but I'm known for that all across the burn unit floor.

Feeling a little better each day, mentally and physically. My arm will itch soooo bad sometimes. Hopefully, I can get a refill on my oxy or some type of pain med stronger than Ibu because its still at that level of pain. I stupidly took all my oxy over a few days. I thought my arm didnt hurt much any more, then i realized it was because I had been on heavy opiates around the clock. I made that realization too late.

I have Mepilex(medicated burn pad) on my arm and leg and it smells awful! I'm told thats normal, but I have to go get my bandages changed.


I'm worried I'll find a good job or gf or both in the months im waiting to get into rehab and not want to leave. The opening for rehab always comes at the worst time in my experience.

If only my family or myself had money...