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Exhausted How to end suffering in this life and enjoy living?

the_rook

the_rook

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2022
Messages
3
I'm currently trying meditation, but it's like a carrot on a stick. I can't sit for long, and I can't get deep. I'm too anxious and my mind has trouble settling. When it is settled, I'm usually too fatigued or sluggish to have a good session. And my lower back can't support my torso for long when the conditions seem right. Even in a chair.

My thoughts and moods crush me almost all the time.

I want to "free my mind" but it seems impossible.

I want to shed this mortal coil and go on to something better. I know that suicide is not the right way to go about that. I am a survivor of my own suicide attempt from years ago.


Backstory:

I'm in my thirties. My first drug (that wasn't weed or alcohol) was ecstasy. I started using ecstasy when I was 20. Was fun for two and a half times. On my third roll I started tripping that I was in the matrix for real. Thought aliens were reading my thoughts. Thought my brain was chipped. Other wild ass shit.

Did X for about a year, and less than a dozen times ever. My shit has been fucked ever since then. Ecstasy use is what I most attribute to the suffering of my mind.

Was on psych meds for a decade, had health issues from them so I went off them, did great for 6 months. And then BAM! no sleep. Heavy ass moods. Heavy ass thoughts. Hard for people to be around me because I was becoming insane all over again, but in a different way.

So I started taking meds again, about a year ago. Started on Trazadone. Could sleep again. Was feeling better and lighter. Then my thoughts and mind states got heavier again. Started on a mood stabilizer (Lamictal). Got a bit lighter for a while. But then everything got heavy again. Was having trouble getting at least 6 hours of sleep. Started on an antipsychotic. Was feeling lighter, but there's weird personality side effects from that. Subtle ones really, but they deconstruct the facade of my person to others. And now, heaviness again. [timeline for clarity:----1 yr ago: started trazadone----few months later: started lamictal----few months after that: started antipsychotic---- and then, a few months later, it is now today].

So now: I hate myself almost every day. I want to be kind to myself, and I try. It doesn't seem to help. All effort in anything seems to be futile vanity. I want to find an end to my suffering in this life, but as I look into buddhism I'm not finding answers to what I should be doing now. In all my recollections of my memories I only cringe. My folks' lives would have been a hell of a lot easier if I had never existed. My partner would have found someone else while in their good years to have children with.

This life feels like hell almost all the time, and has been especially hellish since age 21.

Is there a way out? Or am I doomed to this shit existence for eternity? It seems like anything interesting is more about selling crap than liberation. I don't believe "blue pills" exist, but I'd sure as shit take one if I could have some semblance of happiness in this life.
 
Hello @the_rook welcome to Bluelight! I'm really sorry you are going through this. The first thing I wanted to say is, have you tried meditating laying flat on your back? May help with the back and comfort issues.

As for your feelings of hopelessness, I can tell you that the second time I was in a psych hospital there was someone who said, "You can't change the past and the future hasn't happened yet, so we just have to live in the Now." While it seemed profound at the time and I agree that we can't change the past, in my experience, living in the Now isn't all it's cracked up to be. I don't see anything wrong with planning for and hoping for a better future compared to what is happening now. Even though I am not religious at all, I still prefer the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I hope what I said wasn't too cliche for you. Maybe someone can chime in with some actual advice. Either way I hope you can find peace and try not to be so hard on yourself just because your life took a different trajectory than what you originally may have planned. You are still young and have plenty of life to live.
 
Jerry Atrick said:
Hello @the_rook welcome to Bluelight! I'm really sorry you are going through this. The first thing I wanted to say is, have you tried meditating laying flat on your back? May help with the back and comfort issues.

As for your feelings of hopelessness, I can tell you that the second time I was in a psych hospital there was someone who said, "You can't change the past and the future hasn't happened yet, so we just have to live in the Now." While it seemed profound at the time and I agree that we can't change the past, in my experience, living in the Now isn't all it's cracked up to be. I don't see anything wrong with planning for and hoping for a better future compared to what is happening now. Even though I am not religious at all, I still prefer the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I hope what I said wasn't too cliche for you. Maybe someone can chime in with some actual advice. Either way I hope you can find peace and try not to be so hard on yourself just because your life took a different trajectory than what you originally may have planned. You are still young and have plenty of life to live.
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Thanks for your reply, it lifted my spirits on this.

I've only done some back-lying meditation, I've been a bit stuck trying to achieve "proper form." Thinking more on this, it makes the most sense to just do whatever works best and allows me to meditate with less impediments, which is lying on my back.

I agree that the Now isn't all it's cracked up to be. My thoughts are often on the past, and what I project the future will hold. The Now may be what-is, but I haven't discovered the way to live without regret or how to not project fears/hopes into the future. Hope is important. I've tried to live without it, probably trying to shortcut enlightenment, but I need it. I imagine enlightened beings living totally without hope or fear or regret, being totally aware in the moment with total compassion and wisdom. I don't think I can get there without being awakened or enlightened.

I'm not religious either, and have not experienced being able to talk to or receive help from a deity or spirits. The serenity prayer is a good one though, and I've found it helpful earlier in my life. I'm working on developing my own mantras, and I think they're helping, even when I don't see it right away or see a direct connection/correlation.

Your post was not cliche! I found it helpful and I felt better after reading it.
 
not sure "suffering" is curable. taking a look at nature it is everywhere. maybe we just cannot see the ultimate "truth" to it all and are looking at it all wrong.
been trying to see through this human condition of self importance for years compared to the natural world we live in and damn if i cant get a grip on it still. just keeps me in a permastate of longing to love and be loved without strings attached and the always present "death" of all things I see as "good" and healthy.
drives me to distraction always.
 
Go for a kayak trip, a nature hike, a train trip or go on a bike trip. Meditate 30minutes every day. Counting-meditation works fine for me.. You need to be somewhere else. Out of this negative state of being. Go away from home. Do something you never did before. Go to a new location.

Also, go for flow activities.
 
CollectiveCon050 said:
Go away from home
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Took a walk earlier to try to clear the head a bit and this is what I saw:
mfXwHQi.jpg

Bird nest in road (fresh) and broken eggs.... :cry:
So much for feeling better.
 
you know how many sad things happen daily in nature? countless, letting this natural fact affects you negatively won't help you, in nature, in life there is suffering too, just don't put stress on it as it would make it bigger.
 
how do you do this without being psychotic or without feeling?
wirkdy said:
you know how many sad things happen daily in nature? countless, letting this natural fact affects you negatively won't help you, in nature, in life there is suffering too, just don't put stress on it as it would make it bigger.
Click to expand...
 
My sweet dog was rescued from terrible abuse. I love her, she loves me, I'm grateful that we found each other.

I could dwell on the fact that millions of animals are NOT rescued and suffer abuse for all of their short miserable lives.

But I just can't do that. Gotta focus on the wonderful dog at my feet.
 
the_rook said:
Thanks for your reply, it lifted my spirits on this.

I've only done some back-lying meditation, I've been a bit stuck trying to achieve "proper form." Thinking more on this, it makes the most sense to just do whatever works best and allows me to meditate with less impediments, which is lying on my back.

I agree that the Now isn't all it's cracked up to be. My thoughts are often on the past, and what I project the future will hold. The Now may be what-is, but I haven't discovered the way to live without regret or how to not project fears/hopes into the future. Hope is important. I've tried to live without it, probably trying to shortcut enlightenment, but I need it. I imagine enlightened beings living totally without hope or fear or regret, being totally aware in the moment with total compassion and wisdom. I don't think I can get there without being awakened or enlightened.

I'm not religious either, and have not experienced being able to talk to or receive help from a deity or spirits. The serenity prayer is a good one though, and I've found it helpful earlier in my life. I'm working on developing my own mantras, and I think they're helping, even when I don't see it right away or see a direct connection/correlation.

Your post was not cliche! I found it helpful and I felt better after reading it.
Click to expand...
Jerry pretty much said everything I wanted to say but I will reiterate that meditation, just like almost anything in life, is something that takes practice to get good at. It doesn't come naturally to most people, especially if you're already an adult and already suffer with anxiety and a very loud, over-active mind. So don't put too much pressure on yourself, be gentle, take it literally a minute at a time. Make sure you're physically comfortable and yes lying on your back is perfectly acceptable. Pillows are optional, blanket is optional, pants are optional 😀 Whatever you need to do to get comfy so that you can best be able to free your mind.
While you're actually meditating, if your mind wanders, don't stress, just gently re-focus to where you left off and keep going, even if you need to regroup and start over. Or if you get agitated, perhaps go for a walk and try again, or do it later in the day. Basically just be gentle and forgiving with yourself.
As with anything, the more you practice meditation, the better you get at it. So if you want it to be easier, mediate at least once a day, every day. It can just be 5-10 minutes. It will get easier and feel more natural.
 
Work on it.It can be anythink-beat a habbit,start a new thing,travelling...life is go away in every second.the shits(loses,bad things) are just obstacles on your way.And remember-if you are alive-there always be hope
 
6am-64-14m said:
how do you do this without being psychotic or without feeling?
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Being a vet tech it's a big part of my job to be ace at both giving all the fucks about an animal's life as you're giving it your all and trying to save it, but then when it dies on you, being able to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward on to helping the next animal. I've thought about it A LOT and I really can't put in to words how we do it, again and again day in day out. We become desensitised, sure, and the triumphs outweigh the losses. But (well for me personally anyway) one technique is that I have like a mini memorial service for the animal in my head as I'm bagging it up, thanking the Universe for its little life and wishing it peace. It gives me closure so I can then move on and focus on the alive animals. Other vets and techs would have little rituals like this too I guess.
 
Buddha says the cause of all suffering is desire. The way to happiness is through detachment from all kinds of things,people,etc
That sets you free from everything tbh, don't take it super literally though.
I'm not saying that to be happy you gotta run naked in the streets but that you got to find a balance in life, nothing in excess and you see everything will be better. Sounds easy but it's hard to do it, read a lot also about interesting stuff(there's good philosophers, especially the classic ones from 2000 years ago that have some bomb aphorisms). Stay safe brudha.💯✌
 
My reptilian brain is overactive. What i did this morning, was to take a bath and for a hour(?) lie down. Drowning in the water, my imagination was more active. It was like daydreaming. A very nice experience, in this reptilianbrain trigger society :alien:
 
jasperkent said:
My sweet dog was rescued from terrible abuse. I love her, she loves me, I'm grateful that we found each other.

I could dwell on the fact that millions of animals are NOT rescued and suffer abuse for all of their short miserable lives.

But I just can't do that. Gotta focus on the wonderful dog at my feet.
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Amen Brother. Mine's a rescue too.......part Rat terrier and part Pittie. My wonderful Pumpkin. Had her going on 5 years now. She's my best friend.

And yep, The atrocities that some animals go through ( pit fighting, puppie mills, chained w/o shelter or water, mistreated, fuck.........pisses me off and breaks my heart. If I could ever get 20 acres I would open a " farm " for rescued animals.........all types. Horses, dogs, cats, goats, ( no cow or pig...too much work ) deer, raccoons, anything that needs a safe place. Then i would put RV's on it and let the BL'ers that needed a place to stay feed them and care for them in exchange for living there free. That would be cool.

The dogs would get the most loving. Then the horses. Then the rest ! :cheer:
 
How about bird watching as a hobby? I was out looking for the ever elusive Red Headed Double Breasted Mattress Thrasher the other day but didn't see much of note except a Southern Brown Crested Cock Gobbler. Still a good day though.
 
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