Social How many of you have a passive death wish? Or am I alone?

[Asclepius]

Although it's actually been getting a bit better lately and it's not as pronounced now as it used to be in the past, I still do have it to a lesser degree - a passive death wish. You know, that feeling of apathy and indifference towards your own life. The feeling that despite not actively planning or attempting to end your own life, if you were to suddenly die you wouldn't actually mind all that much. Not that you would purposefully jump in front of a speeding train, but if you somehow were to be hit by one you wouldn't really try moving out of the way. That feeling of lying in the bed at night wishing you don't wake up the next morning.

I'm interested to know how many drug addicts/users have a passive death wish and to what degree does addiction contribute to it. Or if it’s not actually drug related, but has more to do with my depression/BPD than with my drug addiction?

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What is a Passive Death Wish?


Source: https://www.refinery29.com/amp/en-us/what-is-passive-suicidal-ideation

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Do you guys have a passive death wish? Please cast a vote and/or discuss below, I'm looking forward to reading your replies.

This is a great thread question & this is unfortunately, still a "taboo" subject in most cultures yet, is fundamentally, part of the human experience; especially strong from from pre-pubescence and if not addressed lingers, to be dealt with yet stifled, for a lifetime if not given the attention & respect it needs.
A link to an article of this very, human, conflict that we have to confront, over & over; in various guises that makes us, 'we'.
"they can only be useful once they have really been established as principles, and not as arbitrary concepts. "


https://epochemagazine.org/20/eros-and-thanatos-freuds-two-fundamental-drives/

 

[paranoid android]

Me? Scared of dying? Not a chance. I don't look at death as something to be feared, it's actually the polar opposite. I look at death as something to embrace, since it will mean that all my obligations, all my worries, all the things that have bothered me and still bother me, all the troubles that I have known, will at once cease forever.

I honestly can't see how that cannot be a good thing.

But, I am not ready to go just yet. I have dreams to fulfil, and even though a recent medical condition is potentially going to wreck those dreams, I have others that I can turn to, so there will always be something to keep me going. Going from music to photography and visual arts will be a detour, but that's the creative streak in me that will keep me going.

But there is no fear of death. Not for me anyway.

I thought i was dead for 3 long months and let me tell you being dead is fucking terrifying for me atleast. It all seemed rather final and i was just waiting to be buried basically. But it did cure my depression as i have no desire to die now at all. I want to fucking live forever if i can. Being dead fucking sucks balls and it can wait for a long time

 

[paranoid android]

I have struggled with suicide ideation since I was a child. I remember holding a knife up to my chest at age 10 just wanting to not exist but not knowing why.

Then I got those wonderful pain pills from the doctor and suddenly I felt good. I didn't want to die. Addiction had begun.. i Lways wanted to be as high as possible. I ODed on H probably 6 or 7 times. We always had narcan otherwise I would be dead. I just wanted thay rush to get higher and higher and higher...

The thought of dying is devastating to me. I have a girlfriend I love and a dog and farm animals. The thought of leaving her and our dog alone in the world makes me so insanely upset, not to mention my parents. I have a lot to live for. I own a beautiful home in the mountains. My girl and I fuck basically every day unless Sue has her period and then she will still do anal or give me a BJ or hand job while we watch porn. I have everything I could ever want, really...but there's never enough opiates. I have been afraid to trip on psychedelics lately because of the guilt I feel from using drugs. Then of course that guilt makes me want to use to escape it. Sometimes before I use for the day I will just cry randomly as the emotions I have run from catch up to me.

Fucking hell...it seems like I was always destined for addiction...the childhood depression then the paid meds. I got shingles as a teenager and was put on Morphine for 7 months. Then I managed to get my doc to give fent patches and roxies...that lasted 2 years until I started using H too and I ODd for the first time and my dad found me and I woke up in the hospital. The first thing I wanted to do was go back home and use more.

Now in times of shame I imagine just shooting myself in the head. Sometimes I will still hold a gun up to my head and put my finger on the trigger. I would never do it. Never even come close...or at least closer than that...lol(?) I like to stick to pills because I can measure the dosage accurately and not worry about an overdose. I make really good money so I have been in a position where spending 20 grand a year on drugs and still living in my house and eating all organic good food and buying whatever I want was possible. But my habit has finally grown to the point where I can no longer afford it. I have had negative cash flow for the last 5 months. I had 60 grand in my checking account and that is down to 15 now (I also had house expenses, got solar panels installed, put in a new floor in the entryway, built a really nice extra structure as part of our garden). Anyway. Drugs are close to ruining my life again. I try to get clean...I have the resources to make it through withdrawals. But I still want to get faded...to escape. The minute I feel withdrawals come on I go to dose to prevent them. I need to toughen up and fucking make it through... I have ibogaine actually, but have been scared to use it. Some drugs (DMT, THC) give me seizures..the thought of possibly having seizures from ibogaine, especially with how long it lasts, really scares me. I could potentially do brain damage. I am planning to do it "soon." Actually I am gonna make a thread about ibogaine to see if I can get any advice. I wish the US would allow Ibogaine in medical settings. I want the miracle that is NOT feeling a constant urge to use drugs...so badly. I just want something to CURE my addiction...not have to go to fucking NA meetings every day for the rest of my life. I don't believe in any gods anyway, so the 12 step shit doesn’t vibe with me at all.

So yeah...suicide ideation...death wish. Call it what you will. I've got it. Always had it as long as I can remember...

Why do you feel guilty about using drugs though? I don't get that at all. I refuse to feel guilty simply because society deems the vices i have as bad. I could care less what anyone thinks of me really

 

[poppyglowing]

Why do you feel guilty about using drugs though? I don't get that at all. I refuse to feel guilty simply because society deems the vices i have as bad. I could care less what anyone thinks of me really

No not because of society. I don't give a fuck what society says.

I feel guilty/bad about my drug use because:
1, It is holding me back in life
2, I have hidden it from my girlfriend and family
3, because it has affected my work performance negatively
4, Lastly because I have lost control of my use. I have unfortunately taken up the needle again and spent such ridiculous amounts of money on drugs when I could have used that money for much better things. I've blown through near $7k in the last 6 weeks (pharma pills are expensive).

I'm in the process of tapering to quit though. I want to be free of this shit.

 

[Nas47]

No.u arw not alone.I have that wish...and i suffered 'cause i must wait to good will of God to take my life,instead to do it just right now

 

[Nas47]

I don't think u r weak at all.brother.mostvof us obvious has similar thoughts...so not allone.,

 

[-=SS=-]

It's helped many weak men like myself get through a terrible day to think about suicide and deciding to put it off till tomorrow

Weak men never consider suicide because they're not strong enough to admit that the world is tremendously unfair and unforgiving. They're too busy stepping over and trying to control strong men.

It's easy to not think of suicide if you wrap yourself up in a blanket of opulent lies. The truth is this world is a harsh place, and to not have contemplated suicide at least once suggests to me a person hasn't really thought hard enough about this world. That's not to say one should go through with it of course, as depressive states of mind are a gateway to becoming more remarkable as a person in the long run.. which is of tremendous benefit to everyone in having a more real person around.

It takes real courage to face reality.

 

[deficiT]

The poll was set to close back in February... Since the question is "how many", and people are still commenting on it, I went ahead and opened the poll.

 

[poppyglowing]

I

No not because of society. I don't give a fuck what society says.

I feel guilty/bad about my drug use because:
1, It is holding me back in life
2, I have hidden it from my girlfriend and family
3, because it has affected my work performance negatively
4, Lastly because I have lost control of my use. I have unfortunately taken up the needle again and spent such ridiculous amounts of money on drugs when I could have used that money for much better things. I've blown through near $7k in the last 6 weeks (pharma pills are expensive).

I'm in the process of tapering to quit though. I want to be free of this shit.

Am struggling with quitting so bad. Every time I try the withdrawals get me. I took a big step yesterday and saw an addiction psychologist who can hook me up with a doctor who can prescribe subs a month at a time yesterday. I was crying so hard. The taper attempts just didn't work. I wound up going from poppy to morphine to oxy and heroin. Now I have been binging on cocaine occasionally since this post...did a few speedballs as well as I hadn't done one in a decade and missed that feeling..

Fucking a this shit sucks.

EVery time my dose gets below a certain level the emotions just overwhelm me. I think this therapist will help. She is actually awesome. I don't believe in any higher power...but if there is one it led me to her specifically because she was so understanding and non-judgemental and she said, I quote, "12 step works for some people, but I think whatever works for YOU is the path youbshould take." She isn't going to shove meetings down my throat and the 12 step bullshit (no offense to anyone else, I just can't stand NA and AA and the steps). She also recommended a really good pain management doctor because the reason I began using again was because of chronic pain. I saw specialist after specialist and nobody could figure it out.

But a big issue for me now is that I have realized I am pretty traumatized by a few events in my life. I always thought I wasn't traumatized because I grew up in a loving family and wasn't abused or anything. But the following things have popped out as possible triggers for my self loathing:

1. Being a fat kid AND having hormonal issues thay caused gyno (male breast growth-I got it surgically removed thankfully, I love my chest now)

2. Having seasonal depression before anyone knew what seasona l depression was.. I would get SO DEPRESSED in the winter time my grade school teachers said I was like a different person. Being so depressed and then subsequently isolating myself really caused me a lot of trauma because I had NO IDEA why it was happening. When light box therapy came out I tried that but wasn't consistent enough for it to truly work, so every winter I would up feeling like complete shit and wanting to die. It didn't helo being in school either. I hated school it gave me so much anxiety and I could mever pay attention (ADHD)

3. SEIZZURES: I have had a few grand mal seizures from drug use over the last 20 years or so. God damn the memory of waking up from a seizure is the worst feeling in the entire world. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Not even Trump or Putin or Kim Jong Un lol. It is pure hell.

4. Having such awful experiences with doctors throughout my teens. I had a doctor KICK ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE because I told him I wanted to switch medications because the one he was prescribing was giving me suicidal thoughts worse than ever and I felt completely awful. Recently because I have an overdose on my medical record, they flagged me as an addict. Which I am...but you all know how THAT goes. No pain relied, and being in chronic pain, all that did was drive me to self medicate. I even asked my previous 12-step crazy addiction psych doctor if I could be switched to a QUARTER MG of xanax instead of lorazepam because it acts faster and has a shorter half life and I was having some hangovers from the lorazepam. I only use it sometimes for meetings and speeches so like wtf I just need like 2 or 3 hours of anxiety relief so I dont talk at light speed and lose my audience. He IMMEDIATELY SAID "no way, too much euphoria from xanax." I told him I used to be on xanax and never abused it and never have had ANY euphoria from any benzodiazepene and he just was like nope. So yeah, going to this psych doc was a huge step for me because I have had ZERO faith in the medical or psych system due to such awful experiences as a youngster and throughout my adult life.

ANYWAY, that is my life update. I am still using. I am seeing a suboxone doctor this coming werk as well as a pain management doctor in the next month or so. I will continue to self medicate until then, taking the suboxone alongside the morphine for pain. I am thinking potentially low dose methadone could work well for me. I know some people have success with suboxone for pain but my tolerance is likely WAY to high for that. Either way, I just need something. Every time I talk about my pain to someone I literally break down crying. A grown man, 6'3" and 230 pounds at 12% body fat (not trying to brag just paint a picture). I am a big ass, strong guy. I squat 450 and DL 525. So me breaking down crying is so embarrassing. But over the last month I have learned to accept it as I have cried more this month than in my whole life prior I think

Thanks for reading.. if you want to talk I am a good reader lol

 

[Nas47]

Whats mean passive death wish?

 

[poppyglowing]

Whats mean passive death wish?

Wanting to or fantasizing about dying or suicide but not actually taking action or even really being close to taking action...just dreaming about the peace of death and the lack of stress and bullshit that accompanies life.

Usually it happens more during bad times of course. Time flies while you're having fun. While you're depressed then you often romanticise just ending it.

 

[Nas47]

Well....u know very well,that u are not alone.Have this passive death wish very,very often.....but instinct for survive it's stronger.....so just suffer&wait this momentum to end.A day or two,which seems an eternity.

 

[poppyglowing]

Well....u know very well,that u are not alone.Have this passive death wish very,very often.....but instinct for survive it's stronger.....so just suffer&wait this momentum to end.A day or two,which seems an eternity.

Exactly. Staying busy with stuff like forcing yourself to walk, clean, cook...even listen music. Take a bath or shower. Hell even just lay in bed and have your sig other or dog or cat cuttle you will release oxytocin (which opioids inhibit) and help you feel better after a while.

Usually I just say, I'll feel better tomorrow morning when i wake up. And I do.

 

[Nas47]

U are right.....but my story is another.....may be.Too weird&absurd,but it's happened.....and there is no remedy.Destiny.I can't take a shower in this moment,nor to do nothing,'cause i am almost paralyzed.....more East you live,more capable of understand.

 

[moonyham]

In my early 20s I had an intense feeling I wouldn't make it past 30 and lived like it. Did so much crazy dangerous shit that could kill you in a heart beat. I could of definitely made a show about it. Lots of skating and cycling in the most dangerous ways, lots of unprotected sex.

Then I went on a hike through some mountains and had some proper alone time. I came back quieter and without a sense of death knocking on my door. I lost my mojo, and can't do reckless, dangerous shit like I used to.

 

[plumbus-nine]

I'm having death wishes ever since I've lost more money than I'll ever have again in my life and still debt over at least 30k, so my financial future is dark to say the least. I'm currently dependent on other people to survive and can't get any drugs besides kratom which would help me managing my emotions (did so in past). Some days it's more urgent and in other quite distant but I wouldn't decline if somebody would offer me a peaceful death. Curiously this went a bit better after quitting the antidepressants I've been on for 10+ years but the difference is subtle, I would want to live but not in/with the situation I'm currently in. Please don't tell me "hey bro, its just money" we all know how material this world is and how important money for one's freedom.

Also I lost my body shape and grow older like everybody does. I hate to convert into an ugly fat bastard, we also all know that ugly people will be more lonely than pretty ones.

Some days I'm thought playing about different possible scenarios to die. It helps me a bit knowing that if stuff gets worse, I could quit - but as we all know, it's hard to die peaceful and I'm too cowardly to finish it with a knife or a gun (which I'll never get anyways). So what remains is the pharmaceutical route and this requires access to substances like barbiturates which are hard to get.. What irony, every single fucking house has power outlets which could kill you with a single touch but we deny euthanasia to these people with a legitimate (long term) death wish.

Don't worry, I won't do anything for now but... oh well. I just wish it was either over or I could jump 10 years back into my early twens.

 

[Nas47]

It's not about courage to commit suicide.It's about how strong is your instinct for survival.....which in your case shows,that you are strong enough.The cross of karma is heavier for some.No one knows why is that,but it is not without reason.Just our capabilities of understanding the life are limited.....and even to live a thousand years and learn all the time-it's not enough.

 

[Engine_Of_Chaos]

I go to bed every night hoping to not wake up..that is if I sleep. I hope for something to happen that takes me out. I have chosen and wrote down which ways of committing suicide that would be the least traumatic on the 3 people that I truly care about to live with, tho the act itself would be so traumatic for them it is literally the only thing that has kept me from going thru with it. I wrote down my wants for a funeral..clothes, flowers, 3 songs, what items I want buried with me. Which is a perfect starting point for why I feel the way I do. This world is so corrupt and filled with greed and classification of society based on wealth that even the death of a person is capitalized on. If your not wealthy you can even be buried with dignity. Your thrown into the ground unnoticed just as wen your alive. This world is beyond fucking disgusting to me anymore. It's all backwards. Material possessions represent who you are, your character as a person, whether your valuable to society. Another point..why can't people just fucking mind their own damn business and if they do interact with someone they know absolutely nothing about just be nice. Don't sit back and assume to know why they are the way they are..or be oh so nice while talking to them then very obviously roll your eyes or look at the person next to you with the expression like you just spoke with a complete idiot. Why? Why the hell can't people just genuinely be fkn nice anymore? They either hate you for being better at something, not being good enough at something, being younger, older, prettier, uglier, smarter, dumber, taller, shorter watever. And yes obviously we all are going to do that..I'm guilty of it too. The difference is I may think a thought like that but I do not make anyone feel any less than me bc of it. I don't think I'm better than anyone. I think less of myself than anyone. Out 9f all the living things on this earth humans are the only ones who have to pay to live here. Why? Because mankind is co someday with money..ohh money..money money money. Who's got money, who don't got money. Fuck. I could go on forever but I'll stop for now. Feel free to ask questions. It's nice to voice how I feel. Thanks for reading.

 

[Eligiu]

Yeah, with me it's so normal that my GP and mental health team don't even ask me if I'm suicidal because the answer is constantly yes. They ask if I'm *actively* suicidal. If i say I'm passive they're like 'alright things are normal' but if i indicate it's ramped up they go into crisis mode like normally I'd describe my passive suicidal behaviour as not caring if I stepped out onto the road and got hit by a truck. Actively I'd be looking for a successful method. Like how last year I planned a date, making sure I waited until after my brother's wedding, I got a will kit and wrote everything out which I'd never done for all of my other overdoses which were passive. I ordered the drugs.

Big difference. And I know with myself when I need to ask for help.

 

[ALC666]

I could type pages on why, and I've started and then deleted 3x now, but suffice it to say that my warm fuzzy thought when I have moments of peace is that I and my miserable life will cease to exist one day. There will be no more pain, terror, fear, loneliness, humiliation or hopelessness one day. Just nothingness and the void. The knowledge that I could instantaneously bring this to an end is my mental safety net. I have no current plan and still hang onto some small hope that some doctor will see me as a human and life could improve, but I'm in my 40s, and now I am more severely mentally and physically disabled, partially because of their refusal to prescribe what worked and the dozens and dozens of drugs theyve put me on instead that have had severe and permanent side effects. I have always been in poverty since then, and am a non person to the people and doctors who have the power to help. I was pretty ok, even happy and thriving untill 20 years ago I lost my job and insurance and access to the 2 meds that helped me function, meds that I never abused because they meant I could be a functioning human. Its been a spiral since then and I dont have a way out of the disability and poverty and all the fun things that go with it. I self medicate and i don't test any of it, because I really dont give a shit. Ill either feel good for a few hours or I'll never feel anything again. That's fine by me.