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Social How many of you have a passive death wish? Or am I alone?

Do you have a passive death wish?

  • Yes

    Votes: 30 41.7%

  • No

    Votes: 7 9.7%

  • Sometimes

    Votes: 25 34.7%

  • Passive? Nope, I have an ACTIVE death wish

    Votes: 10 13.9%
  • Total voters
    72
P

pernikar

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 26, 2020
Messages
26
Although it's actually been getting a bit better lately and it's not as pronounced now as it used to be in the past, I still do have it to a lesser degree - a passive death wish. You know, that feeling of apathy and indifference towards your own life. The feeling that despite not actively planning or attempting to end your own life, if you were to suddenly die you wouldn't actually mind all that much. Not that you would purposefully jump in front of a speeding train, but if you somehow were to be hit by one you wouldn't really try moving out of the way. That feeling of lying in the bed at night wishing you don't wake up the next morning.

I'm interested to know how many drug addicts/users have a passive death wish and to what degree does addiction contribute to it. Or if it’s not actually drug related, but has more to do with my depression/BPD than with my drug addiction?



What is a Passive Death Wish?

Passive suicidal ideation [or passive death wish] is characterized by thinking about dying or a desire to be dead, without actively making a specific plan to carry out those thoughts.

Passive ideation manifested in my life as a blunted ache that rippled in and out of focus, usually accompanying periods of undiagnosed depression. Thinking about no longer existing served as a way to field overwhelming emotions — a temporary coping strategy that morphed into a patterned response to pain. When things felt viscerally bad, I imagined relief in going to sleep and never waking up again. But I never truly wanted to die.
Click to expand...
Source: https://www.refinery29.com/amp/en-us/what-is-passive-suicidal-ideation



Do you guys have a passive death wish? Please cast a vote and/or discuss below, I'm looking forward to reading your replies.
 
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Yeh I do alot of the time, and know its mostly my addictions and mental health. And I think by passively wishing for death it takes the responsibility of me maybe I dunno, I'm getting older and body's slowly deteriating and can feel it happening and death seems pretty appealing. I've fucked up so much I think most people would be better off without miserable moaning nasty cunt like myself, but I wouldn't want to put it on them by killing myself. But if I got hit by a bus tomorow it'd be fine by me at least people wouldn't resent me or think I'm selfish if that happened. Hopefully it's for a reason, guess I'll eventually find out or die 🤷‍♂️..
 
Yes I have definitely had this a lot in the past.....A LOT. I've also been actively suicidal as well.
My sister (who is a general practitioner) and I have both suspected for a long time that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it would tie in well with such a diagnosis. But as a lot of us know, the symptoms of active addiction have a LOT of overlap with the symptoms of BPD, so whenever I've been in active addiction (which has been most of my adult life) I haven't been able to get a proper BPD diagnosis.

@Negentropic I totally agree with you, it's a VERY toxic thought and it doesn't help anything.

But I suspect it is more common that we think....I know that I have mentioned this several times in TDS before but one psychologist I had (who was brilliant) told me that suicidal thoughts, passive death wish etc aren't always such a bad thing, in that it can give you a bit of a fantasy holiday from your problems. It can give you a bit of relief from your depression and stress. But obviously as long as that's as far as it goes.
 
I get suicidal, but I understand it better now than when I was younger. Maybe it's because I almost died a bunch of times in the past 7 years or so. When I was younger I thought I wanted the true death. Then when I actually faced the true death, I was like nope nope nope. Not even at a conscious level. I was too weak to even muster a thought about it. But somewhere within me... let's call it my soul... decided to make me claw my way back to life. The idea of dying is just an idea, generated by a mind that thinks it understands the idea. When you are actually confronted by the essence of the true death approaching, it's not something you want. I'm not even talking about the animal body automatically trying to live. I'm talking about facing death itself. If it's not your time, you will know it right away, and will want to run the other way. It is not to be trifled with.

The apathy and the desire to die... it's a desire for suffering to end. There is a way to end suffering without ending you. Like even now, when I get suicidal, I think... okay, maybe I didn't get enough exercise, or I'm overly tired, or I didn't have enough social contact today, or I ate like shit today, or the weather sucks, or if it's for no apparent reason, yada yada. Maybe the sun pokes out and suddenly I go from 8/10 suicidal to maybe 3/10. My mind is so full of shit. It changes on a dime and then tries to convince me that my current state is the THE ALMIGHTY TRUTH FOR ALL TIME, BEHOLD! So when I'm suicidal, it feels so all-encompassing, yet it's not because the quality is always changing.

You have to remember that, when you're in these difficult states. The state is not "everything for all times". The state is full of shit. It's real and true, but also a bunch of bullshit too. Even if it feels serious, you have to find the part of you that also doesn't take it seriously because that part of you is untouched by it. And I think that's where reality is, when you're in the middle of really wanting to die -- it's in that untouched part. The desire to die is part of the theater of the absurd just like all of our other temporary experiences and states. You shouldn't place all of your belief in it.
 
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I absolutely have passive suicidal ideation. Until just now, I didn't know there was an actual term for what I call indifference to living. I am sure that my long-term drug
use has contributed to my feeling this way. But looking back on my life, I had been chasing death long before drugs came into the picture. I've suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a kid.
Throw in PTSD and chronic insomnia. I harm myself. Always internalize the pain. I was anorexic and weighed 80 pounds. It was my 'death on the installment plan'. I make jokes when I am in the car and
my dad is driving. He's 89 and drives like he is in a NASCAR race and none of the rules of the road apply to him! If he goes through yellow or even red lights, I'll look at the traffic and say "its ok, if we
were going to get hit, it would be on my side of the car". I would rather not go out like that, but I wonder daily WTF am I alive for? The only reason I do not have a definitive suicide plan is because my
daughter lost her father to suicide. I am all she has left. In the same year that her dad hung himself, my significant other died of a drug overdose in front of me. So, my kid lost two important men
in her life six months apart. Its a vicious cycle. I need purpose in my life. But my purpose is to use heroin so I can get out of bed and pass as a normal functioning human. I think a huge part of me died
when my man died. Now I am just kinda sleepwalking through life. Except I don't sleep!!:mad:
 
Me? Scared of dying? Not a chance. I don't look at death as something to be feared, it's actually the polar opposite. I look at death as something to embrace, since it will mean that all my obligations, all my worries, all the things that have bothered me and still bother me, all the troubles that I have known, will at once cease forever.

I honestly can't see how that cannot be a good thing.

But, I am not ready to go just yet. I have dreams to fulfil, and even though a recent medical condition is potentially going to wreck those dreams, I have others that I can turn to, so there will always be something to keep me going. Going from music to photography and visual arts will be a detour, but that's the creative streak in me that will keep me going.

But there is no fear of death. Not for me anyway.
 
Absolutely.

You might label it depression or existential depression, but there hasn't been a morning in over 20 years where I haven't come out of REM sleep and thought "fuck, not this shit again". It's a combination of my own mind, and the state of humanity. I feel it akin to a bird waking up inside an aviary each morning. You can see the Sun and feel the breeze, but there's this fine fortress that surrounds you and everyone else at all times. Just enough space to not be unhealthy or die, but not quite enough to be free.

It's just so fucking tedious. We're all so busy trying to fuck each other, literally and metaphorically, instead of working out how to get outside the bloody cage.

The only times I've not felt it is on the occasions when 'I' wake up before my mind does, when there's no dreaming and no thinking either.
 
Love the bird in the aviary analogy. Very fitting. I also like to think of it as a Bengal tiger pacing in it's cage. Seems to be screaming " Let me the fuck out of here or just kill me already"

Very crushing thoughts for animals and humans to have. Soul crushing.
 
I have severe depression, so ya, sometimes I don’t care all that much about my life, sometimes I literally don’t care about anything at all, total apathy
 
Nurse Ratched said:
Love the bird in the aviary analogy. Very fitting. I also like to think of it as a Bengal tiger pacing in it's cage. Seems to be screaming " Let me the fuck out of here or just kill me already"

Very crushing thoughts for animals and humans to have. Soul crushing.
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I had a few budgies when I was younger. Loved them. We let them fly around the room. Birds are wonderful creatures, but looking back I did recognize at the time the psychological damage done by caging.. you can sense it. I'll never own another bird.

Birds need the air. Dolphins and orcas need the water. Humans need the spirit.
 
I've been suicidal-in-theory before, but I feel pretty sure I don't have a death wish. Even though a lot of people see my behavior -- shooting heroin everyday, sometimes with a fentanyl chaser or a benzo appetizer -- as prima facie proof that I do.

On the contrary, though. I try my damnedest to strike the right balance between taking the risks inherent to my chosen lifestyle and avoiding unnecessary recklessness with life/limb. I'm knocking on wood now....

The mountain-climbing analogy is pretty trite, but pretty true nonetheless. In this life, we all have to weigh the level of risk we find acceptable and some of us will prefer one kind of risk to another.

Me, I'd never go skydiving or BASE jumping in a million years. I just don't see the appeal. But I'm sure a lot of skydivers and BASE-jumpers would never even contemplate shooting a syringeful of street drugs into their bloodstreams.

FWIW, I say "For each course, its horse" and "Let different folks have their strokes." I don't want to coerce my neighbors into a "better" way of life or to criminalize them for the wrong kind of risk-taking.

I still feel profoundly sad, though, when I see how often people will chance injury/death/insanity to take risks which are, IMHO, very foolish. But as a idiotic risk-taker myself, according to majority opinion, I still have empathy and the desire to help.
 
n3ophy7e said:
I know that I have mentioned this several times in TDS before but one psychologist I had (who was brilliant) told me that suicidal thoughts, passive death wish etc aren't always such a bad thing, in that it can give you a bit of a fantasy holiday from your problems. It can give you a bit of relief from your depression and stress. But obviously as long as that's as far as it goes.
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There's a passage somewhere in the collected works of Friedrich Nietzsche where he says essentially the same thing. If I can paraphrase: "The thought of committing suicide has helped get many a strong man through a terrible night."
 
I have struggled with suicide ideation since I was a child. I remember holding a knife up to my chest at age 10 just wanting to not exist but not knowing why.

Then I got those wonderful pain pills from the doctor and suddenly I felt good. I didn't want to die. Addiction had begun.. i Lways wanted to be as high as possible. I ODed on H probably 6 or 7 times. We always had narcan otherwise I would be dead. I just wanted thay rush to get higher and higher and higher...

The thought of dying is devastating to me. I have a girlfriend I love and a dog and farm animals. The thought of leaving her and our dog alone in the world makes me so insanely upset, not to mention my parents. I have a lot to live for. I own a beautiful home in the mountains. My girl and I fuck basically every day unless Sue has her period and then she will still do anal or give me a BJ or hand job while we watch porn. I have everything I could ever want, really...but there's never enough opiates. I have been afraid to trip on psychedelics lately because of the guilt I feel from using drugs. Then of course that guilt makes me want to use to escape it. Sometimes before I use for the day I will just cry randomly as the emotions I have run from catch up to me.

Fucking hell...it seems like I was always destined for addiction...the childhood depression then the paid meds. I got shingles as a teenager and was put on Morphine for 7 months. Then I managed to get my doc to give fent patches and roxies...that lasted 2 years until I started using H too and I ODd for the first time and my dad found me and I woke up in the hospital. The first thing I wanted to do was go back home and use more.

Now in times of shame I imagine just shooting myself in the head. Sometimes I will still hold a gun up to my head and put my finger on the trigger. I would never do it. Never even come close...or at least closer than that...lol(?) I like to stick to pills because I can measure the dosage accurately and not worry about an overdose. I make really good money so I have been in a position where spending 20 grand a year on drugs and still living in my house and eating all organic good food and buying whatever I want was possible. But my habit has finally grown to the point where I can no longer afford it. I have had negative cash flow for the last 5 months. I had 60 grand in my checking account and that is down to 15 now (I also had house expenses, got solar panels installed, put in a new floor in the entryway, built a really nice extra structure as part of our garden). Anyway. Drugs are close to ruining my life again. I try to get clean...I have the resources to make it through withdrawals. But I still want to get faded...to escape. The minute I feel withdrawals come on I go to dose to prevent them. I need to toughen up and fucking make it through... I have ibogaine actually, but have been scared to use it. Some drugs (DMT, THC) give me seizures..the thought of possibly having seizures from ibogaine, especially with how long it lasts, really scares me. I could potentially do brain damage. I am planning to do it "soon." Actually I am gonna make a thread about ibogaine to see if I can get any advice. I wish the US would allow Ibogaine in medical settings. I want the miracle that is NOT feeling a constant urge to use drugs...so badly. I just want something to CURE my addiction...not have to go to fucking NA meetings every day for the rest of my life. I don't believe in any gods anyway, so the 12 step shit doesn’t vibe with me at all.

So yeah...suicide ideation...death wish. Call it what you will. I've got it. Always had it as long as I can remember...
 
like everyday now. just waiting to die. nothing seems to kill me though
 
i did in the past and did really dumb shit like totally comatosing on booze and benzos and shooting up so much coke i had a seizure or 2. Although since i had cotards syndrome its gotten better since being dead sucks. But everyone has a death drive anyway according to Freud
 
pernikar said:
Do you guys have a passive death wish? Please cast a vote and/or discuss below, I'm looking forward to reading your replies.
Click to expand...
I couldn't vote, google chrome didn't let me.

Does drinking 7 bottles of wine in a 3 day period count? I don't IV meth anymore so maybe heavy drinking that's considered passive death wish whereas when asking random drug friends to bang it for you that ups the stakes to active death wish?
 
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