How do I sort out this mess???

[BritishBlue]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and been swingers for 3 years - only swinging as a couple- and have really enjoyed it as I am Bi sexual.

We put swinging on the back burner for a while last year while we got married, and 3 months ago reactivated our profile on a swingers website to meet people again.

However 3 weeks ago he worked late - I was a little worried as it was later than usual and looked on the GPS app we both have on our phones and he was at an address 2 miles away. When he came in he was defensive and reeked of cigarettes but denied anything was wrong and acted no differently to me.

2 days later a woman contacted us on our swingers profile and we arranged to meet her - her address was the one he had been at when working late!

We have since met her and both had sex with her- but he does not know I know where he was.

I know he loves me - it is very difficult to explain to non swingers - but he broke our rule and met this woman alone, what do I do?

 

[TomK]

Till swinging do us part...

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

I'm so sorry, but I just can't see any other explanation. You could use wishful thinking and maybe he somehow met this woman during his day, the topic of swinging somehow came up, he went to her house to check her out and make sure she's legit, and then told her to hit you up through the profile so it seemed 'miraculous'.

*shrug*

In all fairness, if he knows you guys have this GPS app thing, he'd be pretty dumb to be unfaithful with his phone around. Unless he doesn't know You said he was defensive, but acted no differently, how so? Did you tell him you saw the GPS? Did you confront him after you both met the woman?

And out of curiosity, when you pulled up to the woman's house, and you saw that it was the same address, how the hell did you proceed to go inside and have sex with her? How did the woman and your husband act towards each other?

 

[msj8707]

I can empathize, my ex husband and I used to have fun as a couple, mainly threesomes where we would invite another person in. But when I had my daughter I wanted to stop, unfortunately he didn't. He ended up doing a lot of things that violated my trust, including posting naked pictures of myself and him on various websites without my knowledge looking for other partners. Whenever I would find it I would take time to calm down and present it to him with the information I already knew. Doing it that way cut out a lot of defensive and lying.

What it really comes down to is, can you live with this? Do you trust him to not do this again? Do you trust him to tell you the truth about it? If you're questioning any of that then you may have more to think about than sorting out what happened.

 

[traybuck]

And out of curiosity, when you pulled up to the woman's house, and you saw that it was the same address, how the hell did you proceed to go inside and have sex with her? How did the woman and your husband act towards each other?

I would like to know this aswell...how he and her acted to each other will tell you a lot about it..personally i could never be involved in swinging for reasons just like this one imho...not that it doesn't sound fun

 

[Bearlove]

Maybe she was really worried and new to the scene - she may have simply wanted to meet your husband one on one to see if she would be comfortable with him (she may not have had sex with a guy before). You know that he went to her house, if he is acting like nothing has happened then you can either take him at his word or question him about it. (sex may not have happened)

Did you both set up a play together only 'rule' or was it an unspoken one?

Maybe ... Your husband knew that you would be watching his phone and this was a long game to build the tension/curiosity?

Are you opposed to him playing without you-would you consider that cheating? Would he be unhappy if you played without him?

 

[BritishBlue]

Thanks for the messages - when we pulled up to the house we waited outside for her, he just acted normally like he would on any other meet- she got in our car and we took her back to ours - she told me she was very nervous about meeting us not as she had not done this before so yes Bearlove, it is possible she wanted to make sure he was genuine and yes it has been a rule that we play only as a couple- he has always said that he would be ok with me playing alone with a woman and if I wanted to meet man alone( which I don't) he would always go with me to make sure I was safe- I questioned him Over Xmas about us playing alone and he knows I am totally against it( though I did not mention I knew he had)and he said what we have together is real love- anything with others is just sex and fun and will never break us up. As I said his manner to me has not changed- he is loving we cuddle and talk and make love and he says he loves me. Am just mad that he has lied- it's not an affair otherwise why introduce her to me? I know one of his fantasies is for me to meet a man for sex then come home and tell him about it - so why didn't he tell me about this?
Again something swingers will only understand is after we had met her we had really hot sex after we had taken her home!!

I guess I know I need to confront him about it as we are supposed to be meeting her again- btw I don't see her as a threat- but how do I confront him without making this whole crazy situation worse??

 

[TomK]

I can empathize, my ex husband and I used to have fun as a couple, mainly threesomes where we would invite another person in. But when I had my daughter I wanted to stop, unfortunately he didn't. He ended up doing a lot of things that violated my trust, including posting naked pictures of myself and him on various websites without my knowledge looking for other partners. Whenever I would find it I would take time to calm down and present it to him with the information I already knew. Doing it that way cut out a lot of defensive and lying.

What it really comes down to is, can you live with this? Do you trust him to not do this again? Do you trust him to tell you the truth about it? If you're questioning any of that then you may have more to think about than sorting out what happened.

Well, at least someone is asking the right questions... Marriage is a commitment to one person alone. Not adult amusement park.

 

[BritishBlue]

As I said - it is very difficult for people to understand the lifestyle- as in any relationship there has to be trust. I can happily watch him having sex with another women( and join in) there is no jealousy. He has broken my trust and it is down to me if I can live with that.
And we are all consenting adults it isn't an adult playground

 

[TomK]

As I said - it is very difficult for people to understand the lifestyle- as in any relationship there has to be trust. I can happily watch him having sex with another women( and join in) there is no jealousy. He has broken my trust and it is down to me if I can live with that.
And we are all consenting adults it isn't an adult playground

When you say 'trust' i see 'control'.
You feel like you lost control over him and now you're freaking out.
Good.

 

[Bearlove]

At the moment the situation isn't really that crazy - is it?

Imagine that your husband had been chatting to this person online about the three of you hooking up, she was nervous (you have said yourself she was) so you husband went to see her to show that he was a real person (not just a person online). They may have simply talked about what happens, she may have had a lot of questions for him about you, your role that she may not have felt comfortable with talking about infront of you (some like to watch, some want to join etc)

Your husband may not have wanted to mention this to you in case either she got cold feet and canxd or you got the wrong idea etc. You seem to have an open relationship so it shouldn't be hard for you to bring up the subject. You know xyz - why were you at her place a few days earlier? It's a genuine question, if his intentions were good then he will not have a problem with answering you truthfully.

If he denies it or tells you that he was having sex with her then that's another issue.

 

[Bearlove]

When you say 'trust' i see 'control'.
You feel like you lost control over him and now you're freaking out.
Good.

I see trust :D - She trusts him only to sleep with other people when she is part of the scenario. It's not about control its about what all parties are comfortable with - some people are happy to play solo but trust that there partner will play safe etc.

 

[TomK]

I see trust :D - She trusts him only to sleep with other people when she is part of the scenario. It's not about control its about what all parties are comfortable with - some people are happy to play solo but trust that there partner will play safe etc.

Whatever.

 

[BritishBlue]

Thanks Bearlove - I think you understand where I am coming from and appreciate your advice- I know that my husband has always said from the start that this is just fun- we are not doing this to fall in love with other people our emotional bond is with each other, and I totally agree with that- we talked and talked about swinging for years before taking the plunge and we have a deeper understanding of each other- it's not about controlling the other person it's about freeing them to express their sexuality and fulfil fantasies. I would hate to have a relationship where he was afraid to say if he thought a woman was hot for fear of upsetting me or jealousy etc.. We watch porn together, comment if we fancy anyone in real life or on film, it's just fun. I am just upset he did not tell me about this woman from the start- we have profiles on other sites so he may have contacted her there- I don't know- she is most definitely Bi and has since contacted me to say she thinks I am gorgeous and enjoyed having sex with me- the games we may !

 

[LuGoJ]

Keeping a marriage together through a lifetime is one of the most difficult things on earth and requires an immense amount of a work. Add swinging to the equation and there is much more work that needs to be done to keep the relationship healthy. You have to deal with more jealosy, you have to deal with more people trying to steal your spouse and you need to build twice as much trust as people in vanilla relationships. I would find a marriage counselor that specializes in open relationships\swinging lifestyles and work through it with their help.

The bottom line, you both need to discuss your rules/boundaries and they must be followed. If there is any question they are not being followed by both parties then you have a crack in the dam that needs to be fixed immediately, or else it will continue to erode until the dam breaks. If your husband is unwilling to respect your rules or being dishonest regarding them, then I think you know the answer.

I can't say i've known many swinging couples that have been able to remain married into their golden years. It's a very difficult lifestyle to manage with a spouse over a long period of time. I wish you both luck and I hope you guys are the exception

 

[Bearlove]

Thanks Bearlove - I think you understand where I am coming from and appreciate your advice- I know that my husband has always said from the start that this is just fun- we are not doing this to fall in love with other people our emotional bond is with each other, and I totally agree with that- we talked and talked about swinging for years before taking the plunge and we have a deeper understanding of each other- it's not about controlling the other person it's about freeing them to express their sexuality and fulfil fantasies. I would hate to have a relationship where he was afraid to say if he thought a woman was hot for fear of upsetting me or jealousy etc.. We watch porn together, comment if we fancy anyone in real life or on film, it's just fun. I am just upset he did not tell me about this woman from the start- we have profiles on other sites so he may have contacted her there- I don't know- she is most definitely Bi and has since contacted me to say she thinks I am gorgeous and enjoyed having sex with me- the games we may !

There could be a lot of reasons why, but the only way your going to find out is by asking him. It could be as harmless as I mentioned above, or there may be more behind it that you would need to address. Does your phone store the locations by time you checked? Could you not bring it up as - this is strange, my phone is showing you were at x's house a few days before we actually went - did you call to see her? I personally would just ask him outright either way your going to put your mind at rest by knowing the truth.

Good luck

 

[BritishBlue]

Thanks guys for the responses - I knew the risks before we embarked on this and agree that throwing swinging into the mix means we have to work harder at our marriage than "vanillas" but then again how many of their relationships break up because of affairs? I will let you know the outcome once I have bitten the bullet xx much love & thanks for your advice xx

 

[LuGoJ]

Thanks guys for the responses - I knew the risks before we embarked on this and agree that throwing swinging into the mix means we have to work harder at our marriage than "vanillas" but then again how many of their relationships break up because of affairs? I will let you know the outcome once I have bitten the bullet xx much love & thanks for your advice xx

Very good point. Dishonesty and lack of communication will kill any sort of relationship.

 

[tomdpimp]

Ask him about the cigarettes first and see if he reveals more. Does she smoke? He might just come out about it. Also do you like this girl? It could be a great permant lover for you both.

 

[BritishBlue]

Yes she does smoke - neither me or my husband smoke. I did ask him about that the night it happened but he was defensive and said that he had been stood outside at work chatting to one of the guys who smoked. So that's why I could smell it. He has asked me a few times if I like her - I do apart from the smoking issue- he has so left it to me to arrange any meets with her and she messages me ( though I suspect she so messages him too or vice versa) I really don't feel upset that he has had sex with her just the fact he has lied to me if that makes sense??