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Hi Bluelight Fam, I’m alive and sober

OpiateKiller

OpiateKiller

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 14, 2019
Messages
2,364
Hi guys, last month i made a thread about suicide and if I hadn’t been arrested it’s likely it would have been completed.

Just got out of jail on a 10 grand cash bail.

I haven’t felt this sober or clear headed in a long time, I’m off even caffeine and nicotine. I began to study Buddhism my cell mate had all these books and because of Corona we were in solitary confinement with each other, 23 hours a day in a cell.

I found a new found freedom and jail and I feel like this was truly the breakthrough I needed. I’m going to dive all my energy into studying Buddhism and focusing on exercise and recovery . This is also the first time in 4 years I have off of anabolic steroids

Tomorrow I leave for rehab (court ordered) but at this point my hands are up I’ve surrendered to fixing my life once and for all. Gods got me anyways.

Im facing numerous felonies including a felony assault on a police officer on dash camera and possession of cocaine and fentanyl, the first offer the prosecution gave was a 2 to 4 year prison sentence

I will fight these battles later though and honestly I felt more at peace in jail than I have in a very long time.
 
OpiateKiller said:
Hi guys, last month i made a thread about suicide and if I hadn’t been arrested it’s likely it would have been completed.

Just got out of jail on a 10 grand cash bail.

I haven’t felt this sober or clear headed in a long time, I’m off even caffeine and nicotine. I began to study Buddhism my cell mate had all these books and because of Corona we were in solitary confinement with each other, 23 hours a day in a cell.

I found a new found freedom and jail and I feel like this was truly the breakthrough I needed. I’m going to dive all my energy into studying Buddhism and focusing on exercise and recovery . This is also the first time in 4 years I have off of anabolic steroids

Tomorrow I leave for rehab (court ordered) but at this point my hands are up I’ve surrendered to fixing my life once and for all. Gods got me anyways.

Im facing numerous felonies including a felony assault on a police officer on dash camera and possession of cocaine and fentanyl, the first offer the prosecution gave was a 2 to 4 year prison sentence

I will fight these battles later though and honestly I felt more at peace in jail than I have in a very long time.
Click to expand...
Jail then prison was the only way I ever cleaned up. Once I knew I could not get any dope, that was more than half my battle. Prison gave me a much needed break off heroin and probably saved my life.

But! After two and half years of incarceration...I never stopped thinking of it. The volume just wasn't as loud in my head. I relapsed two weeks out. I knew I would be getting back together with my boyfriend and he was still using...so. Choices, people! Choices!
 
well done!!

glad you're OK.

buddhism has been a huge part of my recovery too. i never thought i'd end up religious but am now in a weekly dharma study group, try to do daily mediation though often fail, and try to live by the precepts. when i behave in ways that aren't aligned with them i tend to feel pretty bad about myself, not cos i care about breaking rules, but cos i care about doing the right thing.
 
OpiateKiller said:
Hi guys, last month i made a thread about suicide and if I hadn’t been arrested it’s likely it would have been completed.

Just got out of jail on a 10 grand cash bail.

I haven’t felt this sober or clear headed in a long time, I’m off even caffeine and nicotine. I began to study Buddhism my cell mate had all these books and because of Corona we were in solitary confinement with each other, 23 hours a day in a cell.

I found a new found freedom and jail and I feel like this was truly the breakthrough I needed. I’m going to dive all my energy into studying Buddhism and focusing on exercise and recovery . This is also the first time in 4 years I have off of anabolic steroids

Tomorrow I leave for rehab (court ordered) but at this point my hands are up I’ve surrendered to fixing my life once and for all. Gods got me anyways.

Im facing numerous felonies including a felony assault on a police officer on dash camera and possession of cocaine and fentanyl, the first offer the prosecution gave was a 2 to 4 year prison sentence

I will fight these battles later though and honestly I felt more at peace in jail than I have in a very long time.
Click to expand...
Look into stoicism as well. It’s shares some important concepts with the Buddhist and can expand your consciousness further. Look to the later stoics.
 
Damn bro i started stressing every time I saw yer name. We really do not need another loss. I know it's eminent but this doesnt make it any easier to deal with.
Glad you're back and it appears things are better if op has any clues.
What's your plans when ya get clean? Where is it you are located (generally)?
Peace
 
IIRC... there is history with "crime and punishment"?
What were ya on when the shit went down?
 
OpiateKiller said:
Hi guys, last month i made a thread about suicide and if I hadn’t been arrested it’s likely it would have been completed.

Just got out of jail on a 10 grand cash bail.

I haven’t felt this sober or clear headed in a long time, I’m off even caffeine and nicotine. I began to study Buddhism my cell mate had all these books and because of Corona we were in solitary confinement with each other, 23 hours a day in a cell.

I found a new found freedom and jail and I feel like this was truly the breakthrough I needed. I’m going to dive all my energy into studying Buddhism and focusing on exercise and recovery . This is also the first time in 4 years I have off of anabolic steroids

Tomorrow I leave for rehab (court ordered) but at this point my hands are up I’ve surrendered to fixing my life once and for all. Gods got me anyways.

Im facing numerous felonies including a felony assault on a police officer on dash camera and possession of cocaine and fentanyl, the first offer the prosecution gave was a 2 to 4 year prison sentence

I will fight these battles later though and honestly I felt more at peace in jail than I have in a very long time.
Click to expand...
I wish you the best of luck my dude. I once had to be put in a residential facility after a felony and misdimeanor at 16. I had a warrant for my arrest and almost went to a jdc. Ended up going to a acute mentsl health facility then went to a residential mental health facility then to a group home.

I actually have been to a jdc for a day once, it almost happened more times but my therapist told them its traumatizing and not good for my mental health (they had me in a cell all alone for about 24 hours and at the time i was mentally ill). This was whilr i was in the residential mental health facility.

Anyways this is what i am saying, being locked up really helps a lot of people. As it did for you and i. You have to want to get better to get better. Keep it up man. It feels good doesnt it? Youve accomplished what some addicts can't do.

It gets easier. It feels better as it gets easier. Again, keep it up and be honest about your cravings and if you slip up.
 
OpiateKiller said:
Hi guys, last month i made a thread about suicide and if I hadn’t been arrested it’s likely it would have been completed.

Just got out of jail on a 10 grand cash bail.

I haven’t felt this sober or clear headed in a long time, I’m off even caffeine and nicotine. I began to study Buddhism my cell mate had all these books and because of Corona we were in solitary confinement with each other, 23 hours a day in a cell.

I found a new found freedom and jail and I feel like this was truly the breakthrough I needed. I’m going to dive all my energy into studying Buddhism and focusing on exercise and recovery . This is also the first time in 4 years I have off of anabolic steroids

Tomorrow I leave for rehab (court ordered) but at this point my hands are up I’ve surrendered to fixing my life once and for all. Gods got me anyways.

Im facing numerous felonies including a felony assault on a police officer on dash camera and possession of cocaine and fentanyl, the first offer the prosecution gave was a 2 to 4 year prison sentence

I will fight these battles later though and honestly I felt more at peace in jail than I have in a very long time.
Click to expand...
Damn, I missed this post when you made it.

I had a similar experience in a jail cell last May. It was brutal, but it did help me learn a lot. I've made a handful of mistakes since that all happened, but it did lead to the longest period of continuous sobriety in my life, six months.

I'm hoping that you get similar or better results, and that the long dick of the law doesn't fuck you too hard. You're not a bad guy, and as long as you prove you're doing things better, going to rehab, meetings, whatever programs they suggest, they will hopefully give you some credit.
 
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