Soulgasm
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Messages
- 452
Thank you again to everyone for their concern. It means the world to me.
Well today is my last day I have access to xanax. I only have 6 left. I then have around 15 5mg valium left after that. I truly can not risk coming clean and going to detox AGAIN (for the 8th time). I have to cold turkey this. I know you all will think I am a fool but I really do not value my life. I have an education that I was blessed with that landed me jobs to earn considerably large amounts of money, plus I have a side venture going. Anyway, in the end, I always screw EVERYTHING up. It's been a non-stop pattern pretty much since I was 18. I'm too sick and tired of it. I'm over it. I always mess every opportunity up. Now I am a laid off junkie with nothing. I have not only drained my bank accounts, but am in debt tens of thousands of dollars. It is sad to say but I really do not care if I die. I felt like I was given every opportunity in this world and I fucked it up EVERY time.
So today before I go to work I will take my 6 xanax (coming down from my normal 40mg a day). Then tomorrow I will eat the remaining valium and roll the dice. Roll the dice. A perfect way to end this reply for a degenerate gambling loser such as myself. I hate to be morbid, but if you do not see me post here in a few days, it probably means I am either in the hospital after having a seizure or I died. My only hope is that someone can read through the posts I've made on this and various boards and learn from my mistakes, as I should have done when I was an impressionable teenager. Now over a decade later, I'm too tired of running in the spinning hamster wheel that is my life of using dope and xanax, getting clean, relapsing, jail, rehab, therapists, medications, fortunes of money gone, etc.
Please keep me in your thoughts. Hopefully third time WON'T be the charm because I've already had 4 grand mal seizures coming off xanax on two seperate occasions (2 each time). This will be my third time trying to stop.
I'm scared.
No one can say for sure, but you are probably going to be extremely uncomfortable if you go this route. It's not like you just explode in a nebula of excess; benzo wd is probably one of the shittiest ways to die I can think of. Why take something so easily ameliorated and make it so much worse? I mean, I get where you are coming from and have felt quite similarly when coming off of binges, but cold turkeying these types of drugs just causes unnecessary suffering. Your best options would be having a psychiatrist help you with a taper, tapering with diazepam or clonazepam from the streets, or tapering with diclazepam. They are all pretty simple and inexpensive considering your run has only been 4-6 weeks. But really, why risk stopping abruptly (esp. with a history of seizures) and going through hellish rebound/wd effects? Don't let this drug fuck with your head.