TrevorStJohn
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2017
- Messages
- 95
I keep cutting out cause I don't want to ramble! Dude you are a smart guy! You have this!
When I OD 'd March 2016 she flew down from Chicago and her first words were ..."do you know how hard it was for me to fly here last minute alone" and my assistant is out of town" .......lime ...uh rather you didn't fucking come was my answer!
Aww, sweetie, (((((((hugs))))))). Times are sotoughon this planet for so many right now. These really, truly tough times to live in, tough times to come of age in. Its not areflectionof you. It's a sign of the times.Well, I am droopy-eyed from the valium so I think I am going to double the dose and fall asleep. I'll take my H tomorrow. Sucks I have to wait but it's the right thing to do, unless I want to start shooting it. I'm probably going to kill myself this year and I don't even really care that much. I'm sick of being human in this miserable life. Getting sober won't do shit for me. I'm unemployed, sick of having no friends or girlfriends. I'm done. So what's keeping me away from these fucking needles, I honestly don't know. If I want to die anyway, why not make it so I can be high both tonight and tomorrow morning and tomorrow afternoon, all with the same amount of drugs. I can always make that decision later if things continue to worsen but I can't take it back as I know I will switch over right away. For now, I'll drown myself in valium wake up and do some real drugs. Hopefully I hear back about a job tomorrow because the unemployment is driving me fucking insane. I sincerely wish I was dead at this time of my life. It sucks ,but I think I'd be in a better place. There is only so much I can take and I really think I'd be better off dead. I have thought this way for around ten years. I only do not think this way when I'm on heroin, so why would I not take it as far as I can and use needles. I hate the thought that I need this drug in my body so bad, I need as much of it as I can possibly get, I will never change, never change my mind, yet I continue wasting it by sniffing it. It's stupid but I guess it's saving my veins, unfortunately I have two university degrees and no job that's how fucked this world is and almost in political protest I would like to start shooting the shit because I should have a placement in society being this highly educated. The world can fuck off and humans can go extinct for all I care. I just want to escape, I liked how I felt a few hours ago when the problems were there but they didn't matter anymore. Why not make the most of my drugs. Like honestly why the fuck not, save myself some money and buy some health foods with it. Instead of every penny going to dope and even if it's temporary, I am in a very temporary spot here broke and unemployed that I hope to never, ever experience again so long as I live. If I was ever going to shoot dope in my life, it would be now. As in, this weekend and onwards.
All I have to do is prick my vein and my supply triples. It's stupid not to and how would I regret that when I don't want to quit. I'm too fucked up to quit when I'm feeling suicidal. I'll end up dead by my own hand, whenever I'm in H withdrawal I slash my arms and shit like that, I just wish I was dead. It's the only thing that makes me happy in life and allows me to continue to have hope which is really all I need. Later in life when I am more accomplished I might not need it so much but I am truly at rock bottom right now. I feel that I am in prison. I have been isolated from society for nearly a year. I never go out, I have no friends at all and no social life whatsoever. I am unemployed and work my ass off sometimes to get a job. I am going nowhere. I just want to shoot the drugs already and work on fixing other areas of my life while being flat broke, getting the most out of my drugs at least. I can't afford very much only half grams at a time and sniffing it is truly a total waste to an addict like me. I have 20 needles right here ready to go, it's so fucking stupid that I don't use them it honestly is. I could have shot half as much or even less earlier, and I'd still be high for crying out loud. It's just stupid as fuck when I'm broke not to do it and the needles are right here.