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H Withdrawal Soon/Chronic Pain & Health Problems/We Can Do It!

LOL yeah man I am completely non-functional when I'm not "high" that's the problem isn't it. I become bedridden and, more increasingly, I will puke / dry heave / even crap my pants and stuff like that. It is just horrible. I went through this last week and that's why I say screw cold turkey for me because I'm using too much now, I need to slow it down and taper off.

I'm just laying in bed listening to depressing music as well, well that's all I listen to I guess... post-hardcore, metalcore, grunge... I can't do anything more than listen to tune but in less than an hour and a half I'll do my line. 15 minutes later when it has fully hit, I will no longer have muscle or bone aches. I won't be so deep into withdrawal that I will puke or anything like that in the meantime. Yet, I will have a full morning and afternoon of "sobriety" if you can call this that. I'm honestly envious of people who feel the way I do when I take heroin all the time. I just fell completely, 100% normal. Like I never hurt my back (with some restrictions). Like I don't have borderline personality disorder. Like I don't ever get panic attacks. I'm just chill when I'm high... otherwise, it is a never-ending struggle. I have made it months in and if anything things got worse. I'm not sure why... I think it was the stress I endured which cause my body to go haywire with total insomnia and panic attacks 20mg xanax could not even tame. I was freaking the fuck out mentally, after all those weeks of physical agony in acute withdrawal, so I relapsed. I'm trying to do the same thing now but much slower so that I don't get hit with really nasty post-acute symptoms.

When I've been using, that's when my parents tell me I look good (because I've been keeping up with diet and exercise - that's who I am, someone who loves those things, and on opiates I am the ideal version of myself so I always keep up with that stuff... that's why I get all the compliments, on opiates I get jacked - in withdrawal I get skinny and gaunt very very quickly). I've just always found it funny because people not only fail to notice the utterly pinpricked pupils and how fucking high I am, they are blinded completely by my happiness and aura from the drugs, but they actually tell me I look like I'm doing good and solid and well. I'm thinking, yeah, I've been using a lot lately so that's why and it's true.

Makes it tough to stop. Eventually, though, people will find out. And that will truly suck. I hope to be far away from here when that happens.

I've been working a lot on confidence building this year. Thanks dude I think you're right I do deserve the best for myself. I'll keep cutting back on the dope - getting high, but spending as long as I can in withdrawal in between my highs (without getting into puking and shitting myself and stuff like that)... instead of just chasing some initial high which is when I really get into trouble dosing every 2 - 3 hours.
 
Omfg why is it always when you're REALLY hurting that shit takes *Forever* omg I'ma kill someone soon
 
I hope you cop soon, I hate when that happens. You have the money ready to go and still have to wait and you already decided to screw up... whereas, when I have the dope in my hands, I already start to feel a little soothed / better. Well before I do my line, just knowing I have it.

I'm going to have a nice high in an hour from now. I have my shit lined up, I'm just waiting until right before my family birthday dinner to do it. Been sick by my own volition all day. Since I can't continue doing this shit constantly line after line. At least I waited 12 hours this time since I woke up.

I am at the point where my body feels on fire and my brain is going 'fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck' and I need a hit THAT fucking BAD. I have less than 45 minutes to go but it's starting to freak me out. The dope is sitting there staring at me. Nice little brown vinegary pebbles of #4. I can't wait to sniff that shit up before dinner. I can't right now because I don't have enough to hold me over until I can cop again, and I wanted to clear my system out today and get a really nice relief and high for my family dinner just so that it's memorable. I don't want to run so low again that I consider IV use as a last resort if I can't cop. Trying to distract myself with laundry and stuff like that. Soon enough I'll feel just great.
 
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Shroomy .......dude totally get that ! When I have my rx , I am like dosing every two hours.......till it's gone! That's in my DNA ....i could have 300 tabs a month and they'd be gone!
Not worth it! It's funny I was CT 4 days , then did only 70 mg Oxy s in 24 hrs 10/325 and i really felt it....(i was shocked) now I am CT again tossed out what I had left. I feel like I am done ....hope it sticks this time.......

Please don't over dose ! I have done that before intentionally....i was so fucking pissed when they bright me too in the ER!........i laugh now 13 months latter it sucked at the time......especially when they wanted to lock me in the mental ward .....just by chance my Brother knew tbe hospital director and had the baker act removed.........
This is our lifes! We have to STOP fucking killing ourselves! Pain sucks yes ! There are alternatives.........not as good as oxy but they do help, accupunture, physical therapy (with a good therapist) I have one in PB county Florida that is excellent if anyone wants his name PM me. Massage, exercise.....
Enjoy your Birthday dinner ! Please cease the moment this is a new year for you let it be a re birth ....
Peace, Love and HOPE to ALL my fellow addicts!
Addiction , an equal opportunity killer!
 
Yeah, I recently had a half ounce of heroin (I usually only have about a half-gram or gram at most) and I blew through it in 3 weeks. I couldn't believe it, I thought I was going to save myself money (LOL, yeah right, I was just blowing lines all day not thinking about the consequences).

Yep, even a few days off and you'll really feel a lower dose, but it doesn't last. It is a trick. Within a few doses, your tolerance is back to where it was. I need to stop this shit at least to the extent that I am using it. Where I can't get out of bed all day if I don't use and get really, really sick with no end in sight.

I only have about 10 minutes left until I can do my hit. I've never overdosed and this is a common dose for me. Still... there is always a possibility. I expect to get rocked pretty decently for the evening, should be good after feeling crummy all day. This is my first birthday without my girlfriend I just realized. That went on for like 5 years, it's very sad. I cried. Why the fuck do I always have to think of her when I get deep into withdrawal. Not on my birthday. I'm getting high. It's still progress for me because I spent all day sick. Anyways, in ten minutes I will start getting some life back in me. Then I'll have half an hour to get dressed look good and get out to where I'm headed.

There we go! It has just been 9 minutes since I sniffed my 2 fat rails but I'm starting to feel great! I'm also starting to feel a voracious appetite coming on, since I just had one meal today. I am also noticing the bit of meth I took today to see me through. Damn, I look great though. Nice dark blue longsleeve with black stripes, zipper along the shoulder, black true religion jeans (I have quite the collection of those lol), the comfy type of material that you can sit cross-legged in easily. My favourite. Shaved except my goatee, used that herbal cream to make me shine. lol. I probs sound like a girl but I like to look good too and put effort into my appearance as well y'know. Black undershirt... I love black. I'd only ever get black ink tattoos no colour for me. So far I just have the one skull below my elbow crook, but I fuckin love it and I have my second idea selected (it has to do with astrology and how I am a Taurus - it is the pentagram of Venus but with a Taurus symbol inside, and the pentagram itself drawn in... which actually isn't going to be all black come to think of it, I want the pentagram in blood red.). My hair is kurt cobains colour when he dyed it purply/red at the moment. I love it.

Enough ego stroking LOL. But yeah, this is the first thing I do when I get high. Make sure I look good and not all strung out. Now where is my rosemary chap stick... lol. omg. Well I think it's safe to say I got high. 15 minutes have passed I am flying! This has to stop, the energy imbalance I mean. I laze around all day like I'm retired and now I am like supermotivated, invincible, I could do anything right now... I don't mean to sound like an ego because I can't just do anything. But, I sure as hell will try. My level of initiative is insane on opiates, but I was always like that. It's just bringing me back to the normal version of myself with a little extra relaxation and mental stimulation and also total pain relief of my spine lets not forget that, for the tradeoff of costing tens of thousands of dollars a year and giving me withdrawal symptoms that if in the midst of cold turkey make me want to shoot myself. This is why I stay high, or self-medicated if you prefer, as in my mind, so long as I have the money for my fix, and I moderate my use, all is well in the world and within myself.

To think I was crying about my last girlfriend before I did those hits. That's understandable, we were together for a long time. However, I am not bother by emotional pain anymore even though I can still feel it. For example, I haven't been laid in ages and ages but it doesn't bother me when I'm high. I can talk to women I'm attracted to and hit on them and I'm just not bothered whereas if I'm not high I think about what a piece of trash loser I am for not getting any in a ridiculous long time. It is pessimism versus optimism. This drug has completely changed my life and so did the painkillers, it's all the same but my tolerance got to high to stay on oxy unless I wanted to spend hundreds of dollars a day to not even be that high. Now I'm just trying to keep it from progressing any more than it has. I'm not going to worry about it for now and just get out for my nice dinner! Later on I can evaluate, how long I want to wait until I get my relief again. Hopefully noon tomorrow, is what I'm thinking, and also a much lower dose (say 20 milligrams, which will hopefully have a strong effect at that point, and maybe with a few percocets too 5mg ones).

Anyways, suddenly my digestive tract is working so I have a huge incentive to get to dinner! Fuck. How did this even happen? I get how I became a pothead - I love weed - but I fucked up my spine and now this? Alright. These questions are for evaluation in the near term. For now, I'm going to have a great time with my family. For all I know, this could very well be my last birthday. I might not make it to see 30, unfortunately, because I am killing myself with this stuff and it's been going on for a really, really long time now with little to no break ever. Apart from my 2 to 3 month attempt at quitting last autumn which was just horrific. The post-acute withdrawal symptoms had me not even thinking about it - just going right back and this was long after the physical symptoms have ended. Alright, I'm a tortured soul and I'm not stupid I have an engineering degree I have a lot of potential that I'm literally blowing up my nose. So I'll check this thread out later read it through, seems like there are some good folks here too.

Peace! : )
 
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Trevor, honey.. . Did you try to kill yourself, hon? I read about the intentional od..... I'm here to listen. You can pm me if you don't want to talk here. (((((Hugs))))) See now that's EXACTLY why I said men don't talk about how they feel enough before its too late.... Being told to "man up" their whole life.

I've known two men who took their lives. One is an ex of mine. Almost a year ago now. There is a hole in my heart.

Xoxox
 
Shroomy, I totally feel you. I have, for the past month or maybe a bit longer now, been cutting waaaay back and it SUCKED LOL. I kind of had no choice financially, plus I had been wanting to kick and I just can't cold turkey off of a decent habit. I have to try to get it down as much as possible first. With all my health problems its just too unbearable. I guess if my taper had been drawn out more I might have felt better but I couldn't.

But yes, it's hard when you know relief is right there....

I did cop. Ugh. But.... I only did one bag. I don't feel like playing move the decimal right now lol,but s bag is 1/10 of a bundle, a bundle, weighs .5 round these parts generally. It's not raw but it's good. I live near a major city. So.

I'm trying hard not to do more.

I don't feel a hundred percent. So as long as I'm not normal, I think I'm pressing pause and not resetting myself completely

And good on you for not shooting it. I'm fucking proud of you, man :)

That's a big deal . Don't forget to give yourself credit :)

Stay safe, love. Xo
 
TrevorStJohn said:
ABW , hang on tight girl! You know this sh*t will pass! Please don't give in. Don't listen to that stupid addict voice. This is temporary right ! It is. We deserve a better way of life than this. No pun intended.....well mb a little. Be safe! Love and HOPE to you sister! XO, Trevor
Click to expand...

Can I just say that you're just the sweetest? :-*
 
Wah! I hope u feel better.........you know this is not how it should be.....we deserve the best ! To be free of pain meds or drugs......its so messed up that we run out of pills for a legitimate pain issue and then we have to search to the streets for a remedy ! Truly messed up. I am writing my congressman , senataor, govenor, and Trump! They need to realize the sh#t we are going through ! There are other pain meds that can help us that are not as addictive ! It's all about fucking money ! I have it and I am taking my plight to the white house ! I am not ashamed of what happened to me ! It is proven in numerous studies with patients if you are on oxycodone more than 30 days the patient will go through withdrawals.......so you can stay on the meds forever (what my PM doc would like) or you could turn to suboxone .............harder to get off of.....withdrawls worse than oxy.....tapee worse than oxy.........patients....i.e.. you and me should not be on this poison more than two weeks at MOST.............
It a scary world. Stay safe ...........i am not super religious......but I know that my G#d wants me to have a happy life ......like I used to have not so long ago.
Bless the child that has it's own.
 
Well, my mom ruined my birthday dinner. It was extremely disturbing when it's my night of the year to keep things mellow and chill. It was really fun I was super high and had a great talk with my little bro until my mom made a scene out of nowhere and my family left me sitting there alone drinking coffee.

Now I seriously want to shoot that heroin. I don't think I can fucking stop myself this time. It's the perfect time to do it after I was humiliated on my birthday like that over absolutely nothing. I'm not sure if I will but I can totally see myself prepping a shot right now to get over that. Otherwise, I'll see how much I have available to sniff. There isn't much...

I told myself I would never shoot up but I need to get high on something right now. Maybe meth, or MDMA. That was fucking garbage to treat me that way.
 
I sent that one asap.......oh man your Mom sounds like mine a total fucking prima donna drama queen! Who always has to steal the show no matter what !
 
My dear Mother was a knock down fall down fucking drunk while I was a child .....through my mid teens....then she found AA and just became a fucking megabitch dry drunk!
 
Yeah exactly man. I'm not gonna let it get to me. I'm still high from before anyway. I'll do a little line at midnight or take some percs. Depressing, though.
 
When I OD 'd March 2016 she flew down from Chicago and her first words were ..."do you know how hard it was for me to fly here last minute alone" and my assistant is out of town" .......lime ...uh rather you didn't fucking come was my answer!
 
I know ....it is depressing....especially when those we love let us down.....but we can not look for an excuse to use.....trust me I am a big manipulator on that shit.....oh that girl looked at me crossed eyed......etc......let me pop a few and have some vodka tonics on top of that.....it is not the answer
 
We are just hurting and killing ourselves because someone is not happy with THEMSELVES.......nothing to do with us 80 percent of the time!
 
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