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H Withdrawal Soon/Chronic Pain & Health Problems/We Can Do It!

My tapering is going well again, but I am running into supply issues. Hopefully I can rectify this tomorrow. Otherwise, I'll be running into problems just like last time. It would be really frustrating and a lot is riding - just like last week - on whether or not I can get my stuff tomorrow.

My last taper was ruined when I was forced into cold turkey, so I really hope that doesn't happen again. I think maybe I learned, and I'm staying true to the logbook, so I'd just keep writing in my diary and keeping to my 8 hour schedule. I really need to raise the dose, today was hell, but I need to get more. If I can't tomorrow I will be completely fucked again. It will ruin my taper because I will freak out. Once I get a little more I'll be able to stick to my taper, but adjust my dose a little higher because the suffering was unbearable today. I really need to get my shit tomorrow or otherwise I'm going to be so screwed exactly like the last week. However, I'll try to keep in mind the taper this time so when I get it I won't binge like last week. I'm not going through this again and again it is sheer hell. I'm not one to go back and forth like this it's all or nothing for me. Also this is when I shot up for the first time, last week, and I will be forced into that again in order to try and avoid cold turkey. For fucking once can things just work out for me and not ruin my week? I don't want two ruined weeks in a row because it takes a day for me to recover from the low doses that are so hard on my body. I'm sticking to once every 8 hours but now that I'm down to my last little bit, I'm in a panic and that is out the window for now. I'll be shooting the rest if I can't get more and I'm trying my fucking best to avoid that. It happened last time, I don't want it to happen again. I'm actually just pissed off, I need my shit and I have the fucking money so it's really frustrating. I want to keep tapering, I just want to slightly raise my dose so that it isn't sheer torture.
 
ABW, Thanks for the Welcome! I'm sorry to hear you're going thru it. Sometimes the only thing that helps my fortitude is knowing with each passing hour I'm that much closer... I know what is to be physically limited too. Month before last I went through WD nerve in my spine decided to go off after I had taken a short walk. Had to use my cane indoors for like 3 days. Hope things go better for you soon.
Shroomy I thought you were set so I really hope you got all you needed today!
I had the small, not even lofty or unrealistic goal, of shaving off 7.5mg from yesterday's total & failed. Was a waste too really. Here real quick I'm gonna be ending up with days with no oxy to be had if I can't seriously make myself cut back. I go thru this every month for years but I just can't withstand it anymore. I better get off of here as sometimes writing triggers my compulsion to redose, & as I said, (probably a common phrase, lol) I don't have enough. Thanks all.
 
Hi ABW, I'm trying a different type of kratom from a different vendor. I am getting it tomorrow and will report back my experience to you. Hopefully this strain will be an effective remedy for pain as well as wd. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I'm on day 4, dragging butt trying to look normal to my family. They don't know I'm coming up short on meds these last few months. The one month my man figured out I came up short, he blew his stack, so I gotta keep it on the down low. He's not supportive when I run out. Lol. Oh well.
Hope you are starting to feel better ?
Xoxo
 
Literally the exact same FUCKING thing happened this week as last week.

Last week I needed my dope Wednesday I got it Thursday and cold turkey was so bad I forgot I was tapering and just needed to fiend, I was doing really well prior to the unwanted CT.

This week, I needed my H today and was expecting the shit. Now, at best I can get it tomorrow and I'm in cold turkey withdrawal. I am not handling it so well I have already mangled my arms with a pair of scissors. I seriously wish I was dead if I had a gun I'd stick it in my mouth right now NO QUESTION and pull the god damned trigger. I am fuckin suicidal and all I can god damned hope for is a get my god damned satanic fucking dope TOMORROW so that I can stop slitting my wrists and get on with life.

Of course, the taper is out the window. This is life or death. I need the fucking dope NOW and as soon as I get it I will be fiending it. Oh another discrepancy from last week. I tried shooting up my last bit today, and fucking missed whereas I hit last week. I ended up stabbing myself with the needle a few times this week fucking up my bein and I have no clue whether I was in too deep past the vein or not deep enough, but I did EVERYTHING to avoid this dismal fate. I just want to die, I want cancer, I want someone to put a gun to my head and put my out of my misery. I want to OD and just get it the fuck over with because I am a lost cause who is somehow still roaming this earth despite numerous attempts to fucking end my miserable, miserable god damned life. Misery, MISERY MSOERY FUCKING MISERY just fucking kill me, please, you stupid fucking HEROIN DEVIL just fucking KILL ME ALREADY. KILL ME FINISH ME OFF I AM DONE. DONE WITH EVERYTHING I AM DONE. The taper, the logbook, everything is forgotten. I will fiend, fiend, fiend that shit. I will sniff that shit tomorrow until I either pass out or my nose gets to clogged to continue. I just HOPE that I can get it tomorrow because otherwise, I am ROYALLY FUCKED. And I will only be sniffing that hist til I can make it to the needle exchange and then I'll be shooting myself up.

If I had got my dope today if I was able to, I'd calmly continue my fucking taper. Literally the exact same thing has happened so far and I can only hope, only god damned ufcking mother fucking hope that I can fucking get my god damned shit within the next 24 god damned fucking hours FUCK jesus christ for creating me and if there is a god, FUCKING SUCK IT.
 
Ok so I'm trying hard to wear myself out physically which can be scary for me because I can easily set off a cascade of pain that is absolute hell. But I tend to have SO MUCH mental energy I drive myself FUCKING INSANE and when I can release that energy physically I feel better generally. I think I was just about through the worst but did a little last night and in the morning. Nothing left. I was so weak yesterday out was driving me fucking insane.

So I decided to try to push myself a bit early in the day when I knew I wouldn't feel to shitty yet.

I will update whether this helped at all. I have taken my dog to the park twice for about half hour each time, and did some gentle exercises. Well, as vigorous as I can manage. I'm praying praying praying this tiredness overrides any remaining withdrawal because I'm about to lose my mind.

Thinking of you all. I hope you are hanging in there. Love ya xoxox
 
Shroomy, I am so sorry. to hear how you're feeling. I totally understand. At times I just lose my SHIT. It's so hard, I know. It will pass.

Can you borrow money from someone to get a bigger supply in a more timely fashion? Once you've got the supply covered you can taper as you like. I completely understand. This is me the last coupe of months. Always at the worst times. I know baby doll. Sending you so much love and support
Xoxox
 
I will have my supply tomorrow. It doesn't matte how much I have, I blew through 3-grand worth in a couple of weeks. Or I can make a hundred bucks last the same amount of time.

What matters is that I stick to the taper plan that I was doing exactly that until I ran out. I need to have rules like a journal to follow and stuff. I ran out because I was being a dumbass before I started the tapering again. Next time... hopefully I learn from this and keep my doses low, but of course I won't I need it to be over and it almost is. My life everything up to this point has come to this and I want it done. I want to tie up loose ends explain to my little bro how I feel and shoot myself up but for fucks sake I keep missing. If I sniff a whole gram I'd probably die too.

If anything having a greater supply would make things much worse for me, but I'm getting my script next week. Have oxy's to fall back on, if I don't slit my wrists before I get my next gram that is. Huge possibility. I just want it to be over I want the hurt to stop I can't take it anymore it hurts to bad it hurts so much I just want it to be over I've suffered way too much I just want it over and done with I'm too young for this shit. I'm too young for this shit I just want it to be over. I don't like life any more I just want it to be done. Hopefully I am out of my misery soon but I will fight through this fucking agony to hopefully get my fix tomorrow. If not tomorrow then Friday but I will get my god damned fucking hit. And I don't know how the FUCK I missed that shot today. The bug bite looks immediately over my vein, I don't FUCKING GET IT. I wasted my fucking hit but next time, I won't. I feel scared when I don't have enough to load up in a barrel and end my life with. Maybe tomorrow. I'll keep tapering in mind after I freak out and get a good GOOD hit or two. My journal is fucking the fuck off for a while.
 
ABetterWay said:
Don't say "enough about me and my dumb pills", c'mon girl, you know we understand! Lol. You know we do.

I ended up getting a teeny bit just now and something shitty happened, though I can kind of laugh at myself. I guess. I'm just trying to get through this. I will arrive at compete sobriety from this soon enough. Just softening the edges. Holy shit this is physically hard. Mentally I'm somewhat ok now. I'm ok enough anyway. Not great but ok enough.

But I never throw up in wd for some reason. My mother, in pain management, does. I hardly throw up period, at all. I can't force myself to throw up either. I'll wretch but that's it . Dry heave eventually.

Anyway, I snorted and it hit the back of my throat and gagged me. I *do* get a bit "gaggy" during wd sometimes though. So it gagged me. Then I dry heaved. Then tried to get my breath and calm my body down but nope lol. It was coming lol. So I puked a few times, out the side of my car

Lovely.

And classy.

Jeez.

Hope everyone is ok.
Xoxoxoxo
Click to expand...

aw thanks ABW. i appreciate your kindness. :) i just felt badly ranting about mum pills... which is silly since that's what this site is there for! lol.

I'm not gonna make it til next week with my pills... I'm disappointed in myself but what did i really expect. today i already feel weepy and sad and i still have pills. but i haven't taken any since 10am when i took 40mg... I'm on Kratom now but I'm dying to go home and take my 30mg. it going to be a real challenge to not take more than that.

anyway - so here's my revised plan... tonight i have 30mg to take.. tomorrow i have 50 or 60mg which i'll split up into two doses... I'm going out with a friend tomorrow night and i gotta save some pills for the nighttime or else i'll be too sick to hang out comfortably. if it wasn't for those plans, id probably do all my pills tonight and just rip off the bandaid... but i cant.
Friday I have about 30-40mg and then I'm done. Now i might use my pills from Friday, tomorrow and tonight and just start my w/d on Friday. I have to work again on Monday so the sooner my w/ds start, the better ill handle being at work... i have about 12 embeda or so that i can soak and take... that will help me this weekend. i can take 4 a day (they are 30mg each) and that plus kratom will help. and then next week i have 5 tramadols and 3.5 5mg norcos. Now the norcos are shit, but they will help a bit. By the time i get though all those pills, if i can stay on that schedule, I'll have one week left of no opioids.... which is better than i usually am at this point, By now I'm usually out of all my oxys... so even though i didn't manage to make it until net week, at least i did better than last time. Im hoping maybe next month ill get there. Two weeks of withdrawal is just a bit much for me. one week is still awful, but it would be over so much faster than two weeks...
i have a work party on Saturday and i really need to go. I'm not sure what to do though cause of withdrawal. if i can, I'll save my pills for Friday for Saturday... but i dont know if that's possible. maybe if i take 90 mg of embeda before i go to the party ill be ok. that's probably why ill do... i know i wont be able to hold onto those oxy pills any longer than i need to.

anyone reading this should see how shitty being a pill junkie is... i mean, I'm scheduling my social plans around getting high, or trying not to get sick. and once withdrawals have set in, I'm not going anywhere. i cancel plans all the time... its like I'm only fully functional for 2 weeks out of the month.. and right when I'm starting to be functional again, its time to get my script. so anyone reading this who is thinking about starting in on opioids, please really think hard about it. I'm in pain management and i thought, it'll be fine... I'm being watched by a doctor. NOPE. now my pain doc is a good guy and he does help me out with my pain and tries to listen and understand... and he has rejected my pleas to raise me or put me on a long acting script too... which is good. i probably dont need that in my life... even though i want it! ... but i never thought when this all started that id end up hopelessly addicted. Before the DEA got involved i had a script for 180 20mg oxys and 60 15mg morphine ERs... i was very sick when that started so the script made sense (sort of.. i mean the oxy script was VERY high). That was when i lived back east. When i moved out west, my current doc helped me go off the morphine... but he kept me at 180 for a long time. and then i got 15 4mg dillies a month for emergencies too.
I was originally on pills for migraines that are truly unresponsive to triptans... but then it escalated to all these higher dose pills cause i tore both arteries in my neck... and it was amazingly painful. and the migraines it caused were insane. i still have pain even though I'm healed. and my stroke neurologist (i didn't have a stroke but many do when they tear their arteries) approves of the meds I'm taking as does my regular neurologist... of course they dont realize i abuse them, but they do acknowledge that i have real pain that is hard to control.
anyway that artery situation scares a lot of docs, including my pain doc... so these doctors are more flexible with my scripts cause they dont really understand what happened to me... and i can play it up if i want to.... since it sounds scary and was life threatening. now I'm down to 120 15mg pills... i miss my 20s. but i do know that the amount I'm getting is more reasonable. but the addict part of me hates "reasonable".

ABW - your throwing up story kinda makes me laugh cause pills can make me puke... especially when i start up after i take a 'break". If i take any more than 10mg for a few days when i first get my script, i totally puke. and if I'm driving and that happens... well, lets just say i always keep a clean plastic bag in my car! clASSy indeed!! ugh.

btw -i take Kratom for my w/d.... i saw you had a question about it. now i dont have any experience with getting it online... just at my local stores... but if you need any help as to what to get or what my experiences are with it, hit me up!

I'm hoping everyone is having an ok Wednesday. I hope those who have been a bit quiet will check in and let us know that you are ok (trevor - you hanging in there)?
hugs to everyone!

Sasha
 
Oh God reading your post I totally get it. That was me on my pills but I'd often supplement from the street but would sometimes wd st fucking work ugh.

I'm wearing three lidocaine patches on arms legs and back oh man. they help with restless feeling. They shouldn't be difficult to get them prescribed. Think about asking for them , they are a great tool for restless arms nd legs.

I dint have a script but I know someone who has an abundance of them lol.

Seriously of you can get them they really fucking made the restless feeling. die down. A lot. I'm so grateful. I swear next time I visit a director I'm weaseling my way into a few scripts that help wd lol.

Shroomy, how are you hanging in there love?
 
Gah..... That was one sweaty ass night, baby! Fucking gross! Lol
And my reward? Heeeeeeere comes my PERIOD!!!!!!! Hooray! Being a woman is just super rewarding!
This better not hurt. I'm not in the mood lol. I'm barely hanging in there. Oh ffs.
Uh.

How is everyone doing today?
Xoxox
 
Ah, G-d damn it. OfCOURSE my husband relent and gives me money today to go shopping for food etc. I don't want to. And I'm already wanting to get just one bag.

I was so close. I don't know.

Fuck my mind!
 
Ok, suicidal ideation on pause at the moment. My God , I just can't get THROUGH this shit. Oh man.. and if I'm honest it's definitely the lower end of withdrawal given how much tapering and withdrawing I've done in the past two months.

I'm just a sucker for pain!

I think my period isn't helping. Aaaaaaaannnnnnnd I've developed a little bit of a phobia of pain at this point lol. I've suffered physically my entire life. I'm not cool with just breathing and waiting for out to pass lol. I need to get my cajones in order. Ha!
 
Hey ABW -I'm so sorry you're having such a shit time. AND to get your period? Ugh the worst. I'm so sorry. Try to remember that this won't last forever. I can't remember, are you trying to quit H and pills? I can only imagine how hard it is when you're trying to really quit.Does your husband know about the drugs?I'm withdrawing now. I have approx 3 pills left which I'm trying to save for hanging out with a friend later. I just soaked an embeda and drank it a few minutes ago. It takes away the w/ds but I don't feel it yet. Ugh the waiting. I gotta go into work. I'm running so late. I'm calling in sick tomorrow.... My neck arteries- fun times... no one knows how I tore them! Some people who have this happen are in a car crash or have an auto immune disease.... not me.the theory is that around that time I had bronchitis and all the coughing tore them. I've been to some of the best doctors out east and out west abd they all day the same thing. It scares me not having an answer. But all my CTscans are clear. And all my restrictions are off - I can ski, go in roller coasters (preferable ones with a headrest...) , but no contact sports (thing karate, boxing) nothing where I could get hit in the head.I still have chronic pain on one side but it's most likely muscular since nothing shows up on the scan.Ok IGotta go to work..., hang in there ABW!! I'm sending good vibes to you. :)Sasha
 
Thanks hon, right back at you :) I'm so sorry. you have work. I remember that shit during withdrawal. The worst!

I'm trying to quit. Husband thinks I already have. He really had no idea how fucking hard this is. Proof is in how he doesn't realize when I'm in withdrawal, or, when I'm supposed to be withdrawing and suddenly I'm good enough to, say, cook (duh, I relapsed lol.... But he thinks I'm sick still.... No..... After the first day I'm useless....derp).

I did a tiny amount. I don't even feel well. JJust less screaming nerves. I couldn't hang.

Can I apply time served already? Lol I'vebeentapering and in withdrawal, on and off for like trtwo months now. Fuck. So close.

I am weak but have to try to get a few groceries. Maybe then I won't need to tomorrow and I can finish this. I just wish time wouldn't drag ass...

Unbearable!

Apologies, I'm just whiney when sick.

I hope your work day goes quickly for you and you don't get symptoms of wd hon. Thinking of you and sending you strength! Xoxo
 
Oh dont apologize for being "whiney"... in a few days i'll be on here whining and sobbing! like you said to me a few posts back, we all understand. whine away! t might make you feel better to just get it out.

well, I'm ok now, but it's because i was able to use some other meds i have.... i took two embedas that i soaked... but it really didn't hit me like it usually does... (it did eventually but i was so sick and impatient by then that i was gonna call out of work).. SO... i took about 20g of oxy.... and i have 20mg left and then I'm done. I had a work lunch today and i wasn't feeling well so i used up my 3.5 5mg norcos... i was surprised that i actually got a bit high from such a small dose... so now I'm holding off until i see my friend tonight and i'll take my last 20mg. i mean, if i can hold off and save it, i will... but i doubt that i'll be able to. i dont like to smoke weed and mix opioids since it masks the high... so once that wears off when I'm with my friend, ill be smoking and drinking with her, and hopefully that will help. but i kinda hate myself cause i took those norcos and i was suppose to say them for tomorrow. i have 10 embedas left and 5 tramadols.... and then ill be taking kratom. so that's my plan. Ill be out of all opioid drugs by Wed... and then i have a week more until i get a script... I'm really hoping that this type of "taper" will help me when i run out of meds next week. sigh.

thank god for kratom. i do wonder if i could get a better quality of it by ordering it online. i wouldnt know where to go (I'm not asking... i know it's against the rules)... i get nervous ordering from the web. There's a place down the street that sells it. some are prepackaged pills, which i prefer. Others is the loose powder. i dont buy that cause i just hate the taste so much and I'm too lazy to fill a million gell caps!

I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand. Does he do any drugs himself? that really makes things so very hard. my husband is in the same situation as me so he gets it and we go through our withdrawals together... but even though we try to support each other during that time, we often get into big fights cause we feel like shit. I'm thinking of spending the weekend on the couch, just to avoid any potential arguing...


I'm really proud of you that you are trying to quit. i know its so very hard... but trying to stop for good, no matter how many times you might fall off and need to start over is a big deal! let yourself feel proud that you're trying. One day you will get on that track and stay there. It's very hard when you have true chronic pain. which makes your efforts an even bigger thing to be proud of. :)

i thought i was going to have to rally for a work party on Saturday, but it turns out it's NEXT Saturday. so that's ok expect i wont have any more pills. i know i'll be through the worst of the withdrawals, but it's still going to be hard to be at a party and relax when I'm not feeling right.

i wish i had stuck with my plan of keeping pills through next week. I'm so disappointed in myself that i couldn't. maybe next month. I cant wait til the weekend (or tomorrow if i call out sick) so i can just stay in my pjs. I already did whatever brands and shopping i would need to do so we have food and meds until Monday. i really am not going to want to leave the house.

I feel like I'm getting sick... and it cant be withdrawal yet i dont think. i kind of hope I'm getting a little something that's going around the office cause i find that when i do get sick for real and I'm in withdrawal, i cant distinguish the withdrawal from a real sickness so it makes withdrawal easier, if that makes any sense.

i read your comments on the lidocaine patches. i have a lidocaine cream... aside from it being messy, i wonder if that would work> if i ruined it into my legs etc and let it absorb? hmmmm.... interesting idea. thank you for that!!

i go to acupuncture later before i see my friend. i haven't told her about my drug issues but i wonder if she could help me. she also does herbs and i wonder if she could make me something for withdrawal? but of course, that means i have to tell her about it and id rather not...

I'm thinking of you hon. i hope your day passes quickly and you can rest a bit. go easy on yourself. :)
sasha
 
Hey guys how's it going? I got my kratom I ordered online today! Thank god this batch helped more than the last!! I actually felt human this afternoon. That's saying a lot. It did help with pain and gave me some much needed energy. I gotta say ABW, definitely get your hands on some if you can. I got Bali gold strain. Worth a try. For what it's worth, that's my experience so far.
Xoxo
 
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