Got anything you wanna vent about regarding your day?

[JasmineAsh]

Hi.
I've been a really shit friend. Meaning - I've been resorting to my old toxic ways. Making plans knowing I'll probably end up canceling (because I've been so absorbed in the mess I've made of my life), not being present in any real way, & ommiting truths aka lying.
Today she's traveling back home...for a funeral of a close friend to her, basically her family. And we made plans last night since she'll be here a few days.
Tbh Im so excited to see her and to escape my prison (home). Even if only for a few hours. Time with her is always the most real, and it's usually when I can let my guard down... be myself. It's the least toxic, and sorta nurturing relationship ive ever had. No greed, deceit, none of it! Unreal! At least in my experiences...
But lately, I really hate what I see in myself. And it's going to hurt her no matter what I do. Seeing me this low, this lost... It's gonna hurt me and it's going to hurt her too.
She knows all too well about about addiction. she's never known me when I was using harder drugs. I kept myself away from her and her family. But, Shell be able to see through me if I lie and say I'm clean.
She's not just my best/only friend. We trade roles in our relationship. Sometimes she'll be mom, sometimes it's my turn. Or sister. Never enemy. Lately Ive taken on the role of stranger and I hate it.
&& She'll still love me - even if I lie or even tell the truth. I don't deserve her or her family. They took me in and made me one of their own at a crucial time in life.
She barely knew me when I was at my first (of many) rock bottom. Shes a few years older... Tbh she's probably 35 years older. I was a baby - like 21- when I met her. Age hasn't ever mattered with us. she saw me for me though, and gave me what i needed then to allow me to pull my shit together. She's believed in me when no one else did. And got me to believe too.
just by seeing me for me and letting me know that I wasn't alone, or defective damaged goods.
She's been going through it real bad these last 5+years. Her closest sibling (Irish twins) up and suddenly dying tragically - another with a diagnosis no one wants to have... And then she herself found out she has cancer. Leukemia. I wasn't there for her through any of that. Of course, I heard about her brother and reached out. I didn't know she was also losing her sister to illness at the same time. Or that she found out she was also sick too.
She didn't tell me because I was going through my own chaos. Chaos I mostly caused myself. We love each other of course, but I didn't realize how much she needed support. I was a drugged up mess then, And I kick myself in the ass all the time for being so blind and selfish.
We did reconnect. Were different people, I'm 33 now. We have all these great fun memories and now, shes coming back home today. For yet another funeral.
I've already hurt my family, pushed away everyone I've ever cared about. Easily too... just by being my selfish and greedy self. I want to catch up with her this weekend, learn about her crazy hilarious stories she always has. I want to be there for her, and try and repay her for all the times she was there for me. If she'll let me be.
I feel like I have to be real with her and tell her the truth. Tell her how screwed I've really screwed myself this time. I'm not afraid of rejection necessarily... I just don't want to let her down. Not her.
She's such a beautiful soul and I'm so lucky to have met her and had her in my life. She reassures me I've helped her in life too... But not like she's saved me. I don't think she knows how much she's impacted so many people, not just me.
Omg, I'm making her out to be a saint. SHES NOT, lol. But... Lately time feels short and reflecting is what I'm doing on this rant apparently.
Idk I just love her. And I don't wanna hurt her. I don't wanna be this addicted asshole I've become. It definitely wasn't on my to do list but... Here I am.
Selfishly, I want to tell her all the trauma/crazy bs I've gone through this last year or so. Because when time comes and she asks how my lifes been going... Frankly, my choice are lie and say it's been ok - or - be truthful.
Obviously, I don't have to tell her all my baggage bs. But she's the single person I can tell, the only person i trust. It would be a relief to talk about it with her. To get her advice/pov. But she's not a therapist (even though we've both played that role before, lol). She's here for a funeral. Idk I just know it is going to be amazing as always to see her. But this time, Im nervous that when we say goodbye... Shes going to either be sad and feel sorry for me...or, shell know I'm full of shit (if I lie).
Sooo, what to do? Lol. I'm not gonna lie. I just feel super stuck. It will be hard to face the facts for me... I've never really talked truthfully about my addictions to anyone. And im at my breaking point, I'm scared truthfully of what I've become.
Anyway... This wasn't supposed to be what it's turned out to be. Whoever's reading this, can probably tell I've been alone with a lot of pent up drug fueled energy. I needed to vent. So yeah. Hope this doesn't depress the shit out of you if you made it to the end. If so, dont worry about my friend. She's in remission officially and she's got great support. ultimately, she will always be going around spreading her joy and helping others like she does. & Ill be alright too, I always seem to trudge through.

Xo

Well, i read the entire thing, and first of all.. i am so so sorry that you have been through so much yet you only found one person you can be this honest and open with about everything you're going through.

I can't say i ever been a drug user and that i pushed people away during times i didn't have enough of it in my to care, but i can say that i understand how it feels like to lie and push people away, to push people you love and care about and set them aside and force them to leave you and go.. these regrets i still live with till today and it hurts.

But i can say that if there's at least one thing i can tell you that will help in terms of advice, being in a similar position where she is where people tell me about their struggles and pains, i think she would appreciate it and be happy that you tell her how you're feeling, to tell her what's happening/and be honest about it lets her know that you trust her to do good and that you still trust her enough to tell her all these things that are troubling you despite how much you don't wanna say anything.

I had friends who were actually more upset about me not telling them what i was feeling, and subsequently get hurt when i try to hide things for them, because as much as i try to hide it, the more i try the more obvious it becomes that there's something i am tryna push behind a curtain of sorts, and i had that happen to me and it hurt as well.

And i think being the person she is and how much she knows you, from first glance she will be able to tell what you're feeling, happy, sad, terrible, fantastic, she understands and she cares and she loves you despite everything.

Please lean into her love and care and let her comfort you and help you, maybe (if she's fine with it) let her hug you and pat you and let you know things are gonna be okay, maybe allow yourself to cry a little bit and let yourself feel a bit instead of bottling it up, it will let her know how much you trust her opening up to her like this, and i am almost sure by the end of it she will join in too and cry herself and let you know that she will try her best to get you to a better place, because you deserve to be in a better place.

To feel happy and loved and cared about and comforted, these aren't things that are some exclusive deal for people who are sober or drug free, if anything those who are still doing deserve it more, because they deserve the most comfort knowing whatever pain that's tearing at them, is not something they have to bear alone, and you definitely don't deserve to bear the pain alone.

Just my two cents and few kind words i had on heart to say, please stay safe and (if you can) pass her my regards, from JasmineAsh from BL

 

[JasmineAsh]

You really wanna read this book? lol

If you mean by if i wanna read this book as in if i wanna hear about what's bothering you, yes, definitely, i wanna hear you out, that's what this thread is for after all ^^'

 

[AlanaaBanana]

Hi @JasmineAsh! Thank you for the thread and taking time replying such thoughtful things!


I've been quite sick with food poisoning today and not having a fun time, but it could be worse.


I have a question for you, how's your day?

 

[JasmineAsh]

Hi @JasmineAsh! Thank you for the thread and taking time replying such thoughtful things!


I've been quite sick with food poisoning today and not having a fun time, but it could be worse.


I have a question for you, how's your day?

Haihai Alana~

Awh, food poisoning? :< What happened? And i am glad it's at least not as bad as it could have been, so there's that ^^'

As for me? Hmmm.. i am thinking over some stuff that happened, but it's nothing too big or anything, and i am hanging around here and so far so good!

I feel oki dokies :3

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

God i just hate the NHS, even with non drug relayed stuff they just suck, and suck reeeal bad.

Also, if you don't mind me asking, what's a "dexcom"? And i am really sorry it got ripped off and it hurts :<

Do you have an ice pack or a cream of some sort that can help it? Putting it under cool water can help it as well!

You might have seen people with them, idk. A dexcom is a little device (usually attached to your underarm) for type 1 diabetics. It means that instead of having to prick your finger every time you need to check your blood sugar you download an app and then can just scan the dexcom with your phone and it shows your blood sugar.
It stopped hurting pretty quickly, but it's more annoying than anything as you normally have to change it every 14 days, and I'd just put this one in this morning so now I had to ring the diabetes clinic and explain I'm dumb and need an urgent replacement.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Aw, 18 meds? I am so sorry you have to take so much everyday :<

Can't imagine being on 18 meds and most i been on was 6 and i called that a lot.

Also, tf are they doing not even prescribing you absolute minimum dosage of morphine so you can actually live without suffering extreme pain????

6 is a lot! I'm just on an insane amount lol.

I know, the allowing such suffering, I just don't understand. What happened to the oath doctors take that starts "First, do no harm"?

 

[JasmineAsh]

You might have seen people with them, idk. A dexcom is a little device (usually attached to your underarm) for type 1 diabetics. It means that instead of having to prick your finger every time you need to check your blood sugar you download an app and then can just scan the dexcom with your phone and it shows your blood sugar.
It stopped hurting pretty quickly, but it's more annoying than anything as you normally have to change it every 14 days, and I'd just put this one in this morning so now I had to ring the diabetes clinic and explain I'm dumb and need an urgent replacement.

That went from sad to uncanny to kind of worrying pretty quickly, i have a friend with type one diabetes and i read the horror stories online about what can happen from unmonitored blood sugar, sooo yeah, please do get an urgent replacement >.>

 

[JasmineAsh]

6 is a lot! I'm just on an insane amount lol.

I know, the allowing such suffering, I just don't understand. What happened to the oath doctors take that starts "First, do no harm"?

I really wish they change.. i really fuckin wish..

And yeah, it was 6 meds to stabilize my extremely fragile mental state, i am not on meds anymore but yeah.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

If you mean by if i wanna read this book as in if i wanna hear about what's bothering you, yes, definitely, i wanna hear you out, that's what this thread is for after all ^^'

Yeah I was just playing.
I appreciate that!!

I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I guess for starters, I'd give anything for some heroin or a full agonist opioid right now. lol

Found out I have H. Pylori infection in my small intestine & colon lining. So I have to do 3 weeks of antibiotics (3 different antibiotics daily).
Been suffering from symptoms with it for 2 years & now I'm relieved I finally have an answer! And it can be cured! I was finally glad to have my issues validated.

My highschool/middle school best friend (who I haven't spoken to in 13 years) hit me up on facebook last week, after all this time.
And then yesterday she tells me her mom died in June of 2021. Which would have been a month after my mom died as well. It's been a bit awkward and surreal to talk to her.

So I really could fill about 400 pages of things bothering me in this era of my life. lol


I try to stay humorous and humble through it all though.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

That went from sad to uncanny to kind of worrying pretty quickly, i have a friend with type one diabetes and i read the horror stories online about what can happen from unmonitored blood sugar, sooo yeah, please do get an urgent replacement >.>

Thanks for the caring replies
My pharmacy is gonna deliver one this afternoon

 

[Eligiu]

I am coming to the realisation that my family in fact deep down knows about the abuse my father inflicted on me, and they all choose to say nothing. I can't pretend to be okay any longer.

 

[JasmineAsh]

Yeah I was just playing.
I appreciate that!!

I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I guess for starters, I'd give anything for some heroin or a full agonist opioid right now. lol

Found out I have H. Pylori infection in my small intestine & colon lining. So I have to do 3 weeks of antibiotics (3 different antibiotics daily).
Been suffering from symptoms with it for 2 years & now I'm relieved I finally have an answer! And it can be cured! I was finally glad to have my issues validated.

My highschool/middle school best friend (who I haven't spoken to in 13 years) hit me up on facebook last week, after all this time.
And then yesterday she tells me her mom died in June of 2021. Which would have been a month after my mom died as well. It's been a bit awkward and surreal to talk to her.

So I really could fill about 400 pages of things bothering me in this era of my life. lol


I try to stay humorous and humble through it all though.

I can't imagine the H pylori infection for two years, that just sounds very very sad.. :<

I hope the course of antibiotics helps though! You definitely don't deserve to suffer like that anymore!

And god.. i am so sorry for your loss, and for your friend's loss too, despite the negative circumstances that brought you two back to knowing each other though, it seems like you two are good friends! ^~^

Man, 400 pages @~@ i can read a long post but 400 pages is kind of a lot for my ADHD, maybe with my ADHD medication it's better? I might give a read if you ever write it though~ :>

Having a positive mindset and being able to blitz through life like that is definitely something i find awesome, you're so cool for being able to do that despite what's happening.

Stay strong buddy~

 

[JasmineAsh]

I am coming to the realisation that my family in fact deep down knows about the abuse my father inflicted on me, and they all choose to say nothing. I can't pretend to be okay any longer.

That is.. very very terrible.. i am so sorry Eligiu.. :<..

 

[yubacity]

The new pound notes are so shit for us coke heads plasticy cunting things thew cut the inside of nose and with all fast food straws made of paper shit it becoming hard

 

[Eligiu]

The new pound notes are so shit for us coke heads plasticy cunting things thew cut the inside of nose and with all fast food straws made of paper shit it becoming hard

Buy a glass tooter that is yours and yours alone. Better HR, better quality.

 

[yubacity]

I am coming to the realisation that my family in fact deep down knows about the abuse my father inflicted on me, and they all choose to say nothing. I can't pretend to be okay any longer.

Hear you brother i love my mom she was everything but lately im fighting back anger to why she not leave my old man even aftyer he nearly beat my brother to death on a visit to india spent most my life making excuses for it but now it hard to stay quiet but i love her so much

 

[yubacity]

Buy a glass tooter that is yours and yours alone. Better HR, better quality.

You kmow what i was telling my cousin i need that i actually shared a note with someone who was hiv positive and i not know scared the fuck out me . These indestructible notes cut the inside of my nose its killing me now been putting bonjela up nose with cotton bud to try and numd it thinking i might try that liquid thaty numbs toothache pain i caqn see the slice when i look up there with phone torch on

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Damn today has been annoying so far.
Met my new psychiatrist & she seemed like a wonderful lady.

I asked her tho if I could just go back to regular welbutrin as far as an antidepressant goes (cause my previous psyche decided to put me on Auvelity, which is buproprion/dxm combo). And she said she wanted to take me off of welbutrin altogether since I have an anxiety problem. Even after explaining to her that it doesn't cause me any worse anxiety than I already have & I need something to help me stay awake & focused.
Plus she wants me to go get labs done & checked for my vitamin D levels. Like seriously? I've had mental health issues since I was a kid. Pretty sure this isn't a vitamin D problem. *eye roll* So now I'll have to waste gas & go get more blood drawn for something that I know isn't even the problem.

Like what is wrong with mental health professionals these days? They think they can just cure your lifelong depression/anxiety with one simple little trick or pill when in reality. these are chronic issues that are never going to go away.

Then I get out of there & drive to the two big headshops here. I'm almost out of bud & money, so some times I'll grab little delta 8 carts for 10 bucks at these places & use that as a substitute. Except both places were completely out of all the 10 dollar carts. So I drove all that way and wasted gas for absolutely nothing.

Then I get home & go to refill my meds on my walgreens app, only to find out that the pharmacy is temporarily closed. So I couldn't hit the "submit" button on any of my refills. So I called to find out wtf & a woman there told me there was some kind of network disruption & they have no idea when they'll be back up and running. She told me I should transfer my meds to another walgreens, except they still owe me a partial fill on my Suboxone at this wagreens. And my new psychiatrist just sent over a refill for my clonazepam to this walgreens. So they better get back up & running, cause I dunno how I'm gonna transfer a partial fill on a controlled substance. Not to mention my clonazepam refill is out there floating around in cyberspace somewhere now.

I'm so irritated. I fucking hate days like this. And it's only noon.
Anyone with access to good opioids should hit me up. lol

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

My car just broke today too after my long rant here yesterday!
It just never fucking ends!!! Just LOVE it!!

There's no way I can afford to fix that shit. It'll probably cost more to fix it than what I even get in a month.
I'm completely fucked. I dunno how I'm suppose to get to all my appts or even go to the store now. I wanna give up on everything so bad.

 

[deficiT]

I will have to start a completely new job that I've only sort of done before, and I'm nervous af about it. And this is after months of doing nothing or maybe getting a day or two a week of work landscaping. Change always sucks, and I don't know what exactly to expect. It's basically one of the most busy restaurants in town. I just hope I can handle it.