Hai~
If you have anything you wanna vent about regarding your day, starting from seemingly minor problems to very big things going on that are upsetting you, feel free to talk about them here! ^~^
I will try my best to be present and respond to people as soon as they reply~
Hi.
I've been a really shit friend. Meaning - I've been resorting to my old toxic ways. Making plans knowing I'll probably end up canceling (because I've been so absorbed in the mess I've made of my life), not being present in any real way, & ommiting truths aka lying.
Today she's traveling back home...for a funeral of a close friend to her, basically her family. And we made plans last night since she'll be here a few days.
Tbh Im so excited to see her and to escape my prison (home). Even if only for a few hours. Time with her is always the most real, and it's usually when I can let my guard down... be myself. It's the least toxic, and sorta nurturing relationship ive ever had. No greed, deceit, none of it! Unreal! At least in my experiences...
But lately, I really hate what I see in myself. And it's going to hurt her no matter what I do. Seeing me this low, this lost... It's gonna hurt me and it's going to hurt her too.
She knows all too well about about addiction. she's never known me when I was using harder drugs. I kept myself away from her and her family. But, Shell be able to see through me if I lie and say I'm clean.
She's not just my best/only friend. We trade roles in our relationship. Sometimes she'll be mom, sometimes it's my turn. Or sister. Never enemy. Lately Ive taken on the role of stranger and I hate it.
&& She'll still love me - even if I lie or even tell the truth. I don't deserve her or her family. They took me in and made me one of their own at a crucial time in life.
She barely knew me when I was at my first (of many) rock bottom. Shes a few years older... Tbh she's probably 35 years older. I was a baby - like 21- when I met her. Age hasn't ever mattered with us. she saw me for me though, and gave me what i needed then to allow me to pull my shit together. She's believed in me when no one else did. And got me to believe too.
just by seeing me for me and letting me know that I wasn't alone, or defective damaged goods.
She's been going through it real bad these last 5+years. Her closest sibling (Irish twins) up and suddenly dying tragically - another with a diagnosis no one wants to have... And then she herself found out she has cancer. Leukemia. I wasn't there for her through any of that. Of course, I heard about her brother and reached out. I didn't know she was also losing her sister to illness at the same time. Or that she found out she was also sick too.
She didn't tell me because I was going through my own chaos. Chaos I mostly caused myself. We love each other of course, but I didn't realize how much she needed support. I was a drugged up mess then, And I kick myself in the ass all the time for being so blind and selfish.
We did reconnect. Were different people, I'm 33 now. We have all these great fun memories and now, shes coming back home today. For yet another funeral.
I've already hurt my family, pushed away everyone I've ever cared about. Easily too... just by being my selfish and greedy self. I want to catch up with her this weekend, learn about her crazy hilarious stories she always has. I want to be there for her, and try and repay her for all the times she was there for me. If she'll let me be.
I feel like I have to be real with her and tell her the truth. Tell her how screwed I've really screwed myself this time. I'm not afraid of rejection necessarily... I just don't want to let her down. Not her.
She's such a beautiful soul and I'm so lucky to have met her and had her in my life. She reassures me I've helped her in life too... But not like she's saved me. I don't think she knows how much she's impacted so many people, not just me.
Omg, I'm making her out to be a saint. SHES NOT, lol. But... Lately time feels short and reflecting is what I'm doing on this rant apparently.
Idk I just love her. And I don't wanna hurt her. I don't wanna be this addicted asshole I've become. It definitely wasn't on my to do list but... Here I am.
Selfishly, I want to tell her all the trauma/crazy bs I've gone through this last year or so. Because when time comes and she asks how my lifes been going... Frankly, my choice are lie and say it's been ok - or - be truthful.
Obviously, I don't have to tell her all my baggage bs. But she's the single person I can tell, the only person i trust. It would be a relief to talk about it with her. To get her advice/pov. But she's not a therapist (even though we've both played that role before, lol). She's here for a funeral. Idk I just know it is going to be amazing as always to see her. But this time, Im nervous that when we say goodbye... Shes going to either be sad and feel sorry for me...or, shell know I'm full of shit (if I lie).
Sooo, what to do? Lol. I'm not gonna lie. I just feel super stuck. It will be hard to face the facts for me... I've never really talked truthfully about my addictions to anyone. And im at my breaking point, I'm scared truthfully of what I've become.
Anyway... This wasn't supposed to be what it's turned out to be. Whoever's reading this, can probably tell I've been alone with a lot of pent up drug fueled energy. I needed to vent. So yeah. Hope this doesn't depress the shit out of you if you made it to the end. If so, dont worry about my friend. She's in remission officially and she's got great support. ultimately, she will always be going around spreading her joy and helping others like she does. & Ill be alright too, I always seem to trudge through.
Xo
