Girlfriend told me to kill myself

[Mandark]

Background: We've been together for more than a year (a year and two months). Lived together since March. And loved each other (I did and I'm pretty sure she did too) up to this point.

This last week or so was pretty bad for both of us mood-wise. It led to some arguments which usually take form of her shutting down and not talking to me for some time, until we make peace and only then discuss the issue. This time was a bit different, because we actually kept exchanging some harsh remarks. The exact reason for the argument is not important, it actually wasn't anything serious.

The remarks were harsh but concentrated on the issue until she uttered: Kill yourself. Now, it's not like her. She never talks like that (as I've said, she usually rather shuts down). It came as a shock to me to hear this.

My initial reaction was anger. Anger and a feeling that I couldn't stay with her, that I had to get out. Not generally, but in that moment. I started packing and intended to go to my parents (it's a long journey, but it's the only place where I could stay without having to explain myself and without being bothered too much - I have good relationship with my parents).

When she saw my packing she freaked out and after some time crying in the other room she came to me saying that she couldn't take it and begged me not to leave.

I agreed to stay and in fact I didn't want to leave. I wanted - and still want - for all this to disappear from history, from our memory. Because I did love her a lot and even yesterday I wouldn't have thought something like this possible to happen.

Right now I don't feel anything. Apart from my body still slightly shaking, reminding me of the anger I felt not so long ago, I seem to experience an emotional shut-down. But I'm still thinking and I am lost. On one hand, I want things to be back they were. On the other - how can I forget about words like that? From the person who so often told me I love you instead. How can I once again trust that she means it when she tells me she loves me? And should one sentence uttered in anger really be so important? Am I perhaps giving too much importance to something that can happen without the person meaning it?

I wrote this partly to clear my hand, but I'll be very grateful for any remarks or advice.

P.S.
As people sometimes ask about age: I'm 23, she's a year older.

 

[pofacedhoe]

this sets a precedence for what you are willing to tolerate from your relationship. stay and there will be more to follow

to me that's an abusive way to behave verbally. i wouldn't be happy with someone saying that kind of thing to me as i think no matter how angry you are thats a very nasty thing to say.

your relationship sounds like the communication aspect is poor. when you are with someone and they dont speak to you for ages thats not love- thats a pure antisocial lack of communication skills. and it cannot feel good

i wouldn't tolerate this kind of situation but its your life

 

[kytnism]

some words once spoken cant be reversed. they leave scars that create stigmas in relationships. although i hope that within time youll be able to repair and forgive; with the acknowledgement that youll possibly never forget. its perfectly justified to feel affected by this. give yourself time to heal.

good luck op

...kytnism...

 

[Beachcat]

I agree with both of the above posters.

The thing is, when you are looking for a partner in life it is important to choose someone who has your back at all times....there might be sometimes when I actually feel hate for my husband, we may fight from time to time and say ugly things, but ultimately I know that he has my back no matter what, that he wants the best for me always, and that he would lay down his own life for mine. I have no doubts about that.

Some things just cannot be taken back. Ask yourself, do you have that feeling about your girlfriend, despite what she said? If the answer is no, then I might spend some time doing some serious evaluation of your relationship. If the answer is yes, then I would tell her how deeply wounded you were, warn her that you will not tolerate that in the future and then forgive her for words said in anger.

I actually think getting some distance by going to your parents might be a good idea. It might give you a fresh perspective. Good luck.

 

[llama112]

I wouldn't put up with that. Abuse? No way.

I also agree with all the other posters.

Words like that... they don't get reversed. I can't even imagine saying anything actually mean to my boyfriend. I jokingly said something that was borderline mean to him the other day (weird story at how it got to that point but it wasn't a fight or anything, we were testing something, anywayy...) and I felt bad about it right away. Even though it wasn't even serious and we both knew that, I still felt bad! And like Beachcat mentioned, when you're looking for a partner in life, it's someone who has your back all the time. Yeah you may fight on occasion but you have to always be there for each other no matter what. If you're in the middle of a fight, you still need to know that you love each other.

It doesn't seem like she's like that. Perhaps she's not mature enough. Perhaps you're just not right for each other. Both are possible. Going back to your parents or at least moving out sounds like the best decision.

 

[RedRum OG]

sounds like you guys are both just highly emotional and theres a lot of emotion invested in the relationship. i used to be in one like that, and while it can be great and get you a lot more intimate, it can blow up in your face.

you gotta figure out why you guys have arguments, usually theres a deeper problem when you argue over random things. figure that shit out ASAP.

as far as what she said, do you honestly think she really wanted for you to die, nonetheless by your own hand? thats just one of those things people say in a heated moment, not that it was appropriate, but youre just taking it way too seriously.

 

[Loser_lover]

I think that she did it at the spur of the moment. Sometimes girls say stupid things because things are hard and they just want to explode. Don't let that affect your relationship, sometimes things are said but not meant to be taken literally. Just smile and really talk about what is going on between your relationship

 

[neversickanymore]

It sounds like she has a hard time dealing with her feelings.. try and establish a clear line of communication.. if this isn't possible then move on.

 

[1Love4me]

This may sound cliche, but I always tell my kids that you cannot unsay something you said, and even if that person forgives you, they will not forget, you can ONLY apologize and try to make it up to them. Hopefully they forgive you. Same concept applies here. You may be able to forgive (and if you can, you should, for your own sake) but you have to decide if you are going to remember and use it against her. Just my opinion.

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

Sounds like a mean bitch.. ha. You don't have to take that crap, man. If she's the kind of girl who would say that to you... you should seriously reevaluate whether you want anything to do with her.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Sounds like a mean bitch.. ha. You don't have to take that crap, man. If she's the kind of girl who would say that to you... you should seriously reevaluate whether you want anything to do with her.

Serious reevaluation. Couldn't word it better than the Scagnattie.

 

[Mandark]

It sounds like she has a hard time dealing with her feelings.. try and establish a clear line of communication.. if this isn't possible then move on.

She does, she's suffering from depression (and taking venlafaxine). And yes, communication in moments of conflict is a problem. I'm thinking perhaps we should see some kind of therapist for this reason, probably together.

Sounds like a mean bitch..

I know, but in (stark) contrast with that there was more than a year prior with no indication that something like this could happen. That's why it was such a shock to me. It's not like she started talking like this on first occasion.

I've decided to try to forgive (clearly stating that any similar sort of verbal aggression will result in never seeing me again). But I'm not sure if this will work.

Thanks for your replies, sharing here was really helpful.

 

[placid space]

We all say nasty things at one point or another in our lifes. I know I have, to people I love the most. I wouldnt today, I know I was a complete moron but it happened. You know how they say its a fine line between love and hate. It truly is, people that we love the most can also hurt us the most because we expose ourselves to them completely. And nothing hurts more than someone like that then hurting you. Maybe she felt something like that.
Sometimes it might be an introduction into something more, some character flaw or issue but IMO in most cases its not. You know best, you know her, is she mean in general, to other people and so ? Her parents? Also some kids grow up in households where parents throw insults at each other often and then make up.

The communication between the two of you is obviously not very good. And youre not even together very long. Her saying "kill yourself", forget the meaning behind it, think about what it signifies, what sentiment it carries. Imagine being her and how hurt she mustve felt in order to feel like she needs to cut and harm you so deep. You probably werent an angel either. But it doesnt mean she doesnt love you. She felt very hurt nd lashed back. Youre now probably thinking that someone who loves you should/would never go so low and say something like that. Yeah well, probabily not but life unfortunately is not what we imagine or want it to be. It just happens. It might speak more of the maturity of her. Only you know that, is she mean or just more emotionally unstable than you or more emotional.

Though IMO after being together only for a year, it a bit too soon for one partner to already have a habit of "shutting down" and you fighting. Fighting in general is so idiotic. There is nothing you can achieve better by talking loudly (yelling) and insults. Id say you two should work on your communication and never allow things to escalate to such a high lvl. If two people love each other then they dont want the other person to suffer or feel bad. If you fight, the other person feels bad. Think about that before you fight and tell her that also. And also talk to her about her shutting down, tell her you dont want her to feel that way and next time work on the issue immediately.

 

[freehugs]

We all say nasty things at one point or another in our lifes. I know I have, to people I love the most. I wouldnt today, I know I was a complete moron but it happened. You know how they say its a fine line between love and hate. It truly is, people that we love the most can also hurt us the most because we expose ourselves to them completely. And nothing hurts more than someone like that then hurting you. Maybe she felt something like that.
Sometimes it might be an introduction into something more, some character flaw or issue but IMO in most cases its not. You know best, you know her, is she mean in general, to other people and so ? Her parents? Also some kids grow up in households where parents throw insults at each other often and then make up.

The communication between the two of you is obviously not very good. And youre not even together very long. Her saying "kill yourself", forget the meaning behind it, think about what it signifies, what sentiment it carries. Imagine being her and how hurt she mustve felt in order to feel like she needs to cut and harm you so deep. You probably werent an angel either. But it doesnt mean she doesnt love you. She felt very hurt nd lashed back. Youre now probably thinking that someone who loves you should/would never go so low and say something like that. Yeah well, probabily not but life unfortunately is not what we imagine or want it to be. It just happens. It might speak more of the maturity of her. Only you know that, is she mean or just more emotionally unstable than you or more emotional.

Though IMO after being together only for a year, it a bit too soon for one partner to already have a habit of "shutting down" and you fighting. Fighting in general is so idiotic. There is nothing you can achieve better by talking loudly (yelling) and insults. Id say you two should work on your communication and never allow things to escalate to such a high lvl. If two people love each other then they dont want the other person to suffer or feel bad. If you fight, the other person feels bad. Think about that before you fight and tell her that also. And also talk to her about her shutting down, tell her you dont want her to feel that way and next time work on the issue immediately.

qft, best advice in the thread.

 

[PurpleKush1]

Fuck her....i cant understand you id just thorw her ungrateful ass out if she said that to me. People get attached for nothing.

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

Fuck her....i cant understand you id just thorw her ungrateful ass out if she said that to me. People get attached for nothing.

Yeah me too. No chic is worth taking that kind of disrespect, one time thing or not... that should be a "no time thing". Not acceptable.

 

[PurpleKush1]

Yeah me too. No chic is worth taking that kind of disrespect, one time thing or not... that should be a "no time thing". Not acceptable.

word man. There are limits. Its nto good karma to wish deaht upon anybody either. IF she says those kinds of things just cause she is pissed off she mite dont realise what she is saying.

 

[Mysterie]

no i would forgive a remark such as "kill yourself", so long as i was able to see genuine and appropriate remorse resulting from the comment (and i would still have to have trust as well, so i guess its a question of trust as well there)

 

[thujone]

The remarks were harsh but concentrated on the issue until she uttered: Kill yourself. Now, it's not like her. She never talks like that (as I've said, she usually rather shuts down). It came as a shock to me to hear this.

I would see this as a good thing. Okay, so the words were venom, but communication = trust. Could be she used to always shut down because she was afraid of saying something like this and now it's happened and I'll bet she feels awful about it. If your love for her is conditional based on things she says in anger, then it doesn't really sound like a lasting relationship anyway.

ah yeh +1 to what placid space said too

 

[severely etarded]

Hmm... I just exited a similar situation myself after 5 years. Same ages as you all now.

I would develop an exit plan now in retrospect to my past situation if I were you.

The sooner the better.