General Heroin Discussion #18 - v. Stupidity ain't no badge of honor
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Sammydubbz
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I found this website today while googling articles and anything about heroin because I have reached honestly such a bittersweet place in my addiction that I can't go back, or don't want to..but at the same time it's feeling less and less worth it every day the last month or so.
I'll elaborate. I'm 22. I have been shooting heroin since I was 18, started sniffing at 17 but I only resisted the needle for six months before I let that beast out of the cage too. I started with OxyContin here and there at sixteen but by the time I got to everyday use I switched to dope right away. Anyway, most of my addiction I've spend broke, homeless, jobless, dope sick, and always within one minor disaster of ending it all. Which I almost succeeded by overdosing 4 times in the past two years. Twelve rehabs, three shots at suboxone maintenance programs, of course the never ending revolving door or AA and NA. And if we go ahead and factor in the hundreds of promises I made to family, my ex, and myself that I was finished this time, in an essentially 3 year period.. That's a hell of a lot of falling down, brushing myself off and trying to keep on doing the next right thing only to meet disappointed and distrustful glances of the very people I was fighting so hard against the disease that continues to ravage my mind body and spirit.
So since July of last year when I got kicked out of my rehab for using, and overdosing right where I was given every tool I Gould possibly need to get clean. Except I still lacked the desire to get clean, through physical and emotional domestic violence from one I held closest to my heart to sexual abuse by a stranger thanks to my lack of ability to give a shit about anything other than getting as high as I could on whatever I could, to fights and lies and abandonment, homelessness hunger hopelessness, and feeling alone. I always choose chaos and pain. Are we afraid of success and happiness because as addicts we have always had at least an acute awareness to the gaping black hole in the pit of our stomach..?. I was put into therapy at a young age so I've been overly aware of my damaged goods. And instead of hurting anyone else I loved, telling them I'm sorry I let you down..again, I opted for the road less traveled..
I chose to surrender in a different way this time, giving myself over to my disease and feeding the fuck out of it and allowing it to run its course and hopefully one day be able to find a way to successfully coexist in the same being, without the trail of destruction and broken hearts for once. So since July, I have been holed up in pretty nice hotel rooms, working as a successful escort making very good money. I've obtained my twisted junkie fantasy, access to as much cash, drugs, well, whatever I need. Even things I want. Up until a month ago I thought I'd figured out how to be a successful drug addict and be happy without any bullshit drama. But of course, even then a storm brewed on the horizon. I am doing a minimum of two bricks, 100 5$ bags, 10 buns, no idea the weight or potency, every day. I do minimum 15 bags per shot, and I clearly inflated my tolerance beyond anything I could have imagined. A year ago 2 bags or ten bucks would make me a happy girl all day. I have many many opportunities throughout a day to make money and now that I'm spending minimum of 500$ on heroin daily and 100$ daily on a hotel and various other expenses, cigs, food, etc. call me crazy but I'm pretty sure a nice apartment my dream car being free of my debts and fines and shopping and reintegrating myself into my family is sounding a fuckload better than sitting alone in some random hotel with only the company of my drug dealers that deliver and my colorful array of clients I meet on the internet solely for the purpose of shoving needles in my neck because I've exhausted every other reachable vein on my poor body I've destroyed . To get high. Oh yeah, except I'm not getting high and I'm already four buns deep and I've been awake an hour.
But anyway, I have never tried any sites like this and I needed to vent to something, even though no one will read this mess. Figuratively I have been taking a couple steps towards the light at the end of the tunnel every day and for once I'm caring because I don't have to have a reason I'm not being pressured by family or a guy or the law or my feelings or lack thereof. This is as good as life can possibly be for me as a drug addict. I can't get more drugs I use constantly, I get paid to chit chat and make men happy. Now that I feel like I've seen the horrible, scary, terrible, hopeless, the not-so-bad and the pretty freakin sweet parts or being a junkie...I can start down a new road. I'm not saying I snapped my needles and changed my number just yet.. But the fact that my head has been thinking about life without heroin in particular without someone putting the idea in my head, without something like a panic attack or even a smidge of aggressive rejection of the mere thought of it is compelling in itself. Not to mention there was no rock bottom life shattering event or pressure from loved ones or hunger and need of a warm bed. Or to go somewhere the cops can't pick me up.
In rehab and NA and stuff, they were adamant about the fact that no one can successfully use drugs. And I just as adamantly opposed the concept. Through all my relapses and trauma and the good bad and the hideous shame and embarrassment my addiction still brings me, for the first time I see an alternative ending than the three I've come to accept we're all life had in store for me. Jails, institutions, and death? Oh my, I think I'll wander down a road far more fulfilling than those.
If anyone read my crazy rumblings, thoughts comments advice judgement negativity? What's up if I'm crazy and I really am whacked out of my mind, I'd appreciate the heads up. Lol.
I'll elaborate. I'm 22. I have been shooting heroin since I was 18, started sniffing at 17 but I only resisted the needle for six months before I let that beast out of the cage too. I started with OxyContin here and there at sixteen but by the time I got to everyday use I switched to dope right away. Anyway, most of my addiction I've spend broke, homeless, jobless, dope sick, and always within one minor disaster of ending it all. Which I almost succeeded by overdosing 4 times in the past two years. Twelve rehabs, three shots at suboxone maintenance programs, of course the never ending revolving door or AA and NA. And if we go ahead and factor in the hundreds of promises I made to family, my ex, and myself that I was finished this time, in an essentially 3 year period.. That's a hell of a lot of falling down, brushing myself off and trying to keep on doing the next right thing only to meet disappointed and distrustful glances of the very people I was fighting so hard against the disease that continues to ravage my mind body and spirit.
So since July of last year when I got kicked out of my rehab for using, and overdosing right where I was given every tool I Gould possibly need to get clean. Except I still lacked the desire to get clean, through physical and emotional domestic violence from one I held closest to my heart to sexual abuse by a stranger thanks to my lack of ability to give a shit about anything other than getting as high as I could on whatever I could, to fights and lies and abandonment, homelessness hunger hopelessness, and feeling alone. I always choose chaos and pain. Are we afraid of success and happiness because as addicts we have always had at least an acute awareness to the gaping black hole in the pit of our stomach..?. I was put into therapy at a young age so I've been overly aware of my damaged goods. And instead of hurting anyone else I loved, telling them I'm sorry I let you down..again, I opted for the road less traveled..
I chose to surrender in a different way this time, giving myself over to my disease and feeding the fuck out of it and allowing it to run its course and hopefully one day be able to find a way to successfully coexist in the same being, without the trail of destruction and broken hearts for once. So since July, I have been holed up in pretty nice hotel rooms, working as a successful escort making very good money. I've obtained my twisted junkie fantasy, access to as much cash, drugs, well, whatever I need. Even things I want. Up until a month ago I thought I'd figured out how to be a successful drug addict and be happy without any bullshit drama. But of course, even then a storm brewed on the horizon. I am doing a minimum of two bricks, 100 5$ bags, 10 buns, no idea the weight or potency, every day. I do minimum 15 bags per shot, and I clearly inflated my tolerance beyond anything I could have imagined. A year ago 2 bags or ten bucks would make me a happy girl all day. I have many many opportunities throughout a day to make money and now that I'm spending minimum of 500$ on heroin daily and 100$ daily on a hotel and various other expenses, cigs, food, etc. call me crazy but I'm pretty sure a nice apartment my dream car being free of my debts and fines and shopping and reintegrating myself into my family is sounding a fuckload better than sitting alone in some random hotel with only the company of my drug dealers that deliver and my colorful array of clients I meet on the internet solely for the purpose of shoving needles in my neck because I've exhausted every other reachable vein on my poor body I've destroyed . To get high. Oh yeah, except I'm not getting high and I'm already four buns deep and I've been awake an hour.
But anyway, I have never tried any sites like this and I needed to vent to something, even though no one will read this mess. Figuratively I have been taking a couple steps towards the light at the end of the tunnel every day and for once I'm caring because I don't have to have a reason I'm not being pressured by family or a guy or the law or my feelings or lack thereof. This is as good as life can possibly be for me as a drug addict. I can't get more drugs I use constantly, I get paid to chit chat and make men happy. Now that I feel like I've seen the horrible, scary, terrible, hopeless, the not-so-bad and the pretty freakin sweet parts or being a junkie...I can start down a new road. I'm not saying I snapped my needles and changed my number just yet.. But the fact that my head has been thinking about life without heroin in particular without someone putting the idea in my head, without something like a panic attack or even a smidge of aggressive rejection of the mere thought of it is compelling in itself. Not to mention there was no rock bottom life shattering event or pressure from loved ones or hunger and need of a warm bed. Or to go somewhere the cops can't pick me up.
In rehab and NA and stuff, they were adamant about the fact that no one can successfully use drugs. And I just as adamantly opposed the concept. Through all my relapses and trauma and the good bad and the hideous shame and embarrassment my addiction still brings me, for the first time I see an alternative ending than the three I've come to accept we're all life had in store for me. Jails, institutions, and death? Oh my, I think I'll wander down a road far more fulfilling than those.
If anyone read my crazy rumblings, thoughts comments advice judgement negativity? What's up if I'm crazy and I really am whacked out of my mind, I'd appreciate the heads up. Lol.
oldhippytony
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Maybe PM ain't as P as one would think (hope?).
Mr.Scagnattie
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The PM was reported, using the report button, and that's how the staff found out.. otherwise they never would have. They don't just look at peoples PM's. The idiot that ratted him out was actually the dude he was going to buy drugs from, so they both got banned. The guy reported sourcing, involving himself, and got himself banned, along with 95. Haha.
Retarded.
Effect
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I remember those days when I had my fucking car. Looking in the rearview every 10 second...
ohshea
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Damn I liked him too. If I had a nickel for all the times Ive been hit up on here cos I live in LA... I know NY BLers can probably feel me on this one.
That's good he got banned for snitching. There is no room for rats in this world.
JunkieDays
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HAH! ha ha ha hahahaha!
Wow. Retarded, indeed. Really, though... Who does that?
Must've been a little kid or some half-baked teenager to go reporting himself to moderators about his illegal forum activities.. lmfao.
Damn, that made me crack up.
Oh, btw.. My faith in BL has been restored.
Mr.Scagnattie
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Yeah I'm pretty sure he accidentally hit the report button when he meant to send a reply or something, I don't know, haha. But either way it's fucking dumb as shit. I didn't even know that poster, don't remember seeing their username anywhere.
Eh, whatever. Shit happens I guess. Was good for a laugh though, hah.
Eh, whatever. Shit happens I guess. Was good for a laugh though, hah.
oldhippytony
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"the idiot that ratted him out was actually the dude he was going to buy drugs from"
"Yeah I'm pretty sure he accidentally hit the report button when he meant to send a reply"
I ain’t gonna touch this. My gut tells me there is more to the story, but it isn’t my story and since I’m the type of man that respects the house that he’s in (in for free, by the way, unless there comes a time when I decide to donate to BL) I’m not going to second guess the actions of those who host and administer this site.
I’m going to continue to operate under the assumption that that since I’m only a visitor here, everything I write, anywhere I write it, is subject to review. That's just for me. I have more than enough email accounts so that if I wanted to communicate with someone offline in a private manner, to find a good ribs joint or fishing hole for example, I’d use one of them. Ain't no law against that, is there?
Just one question, where is the “report button” on the PM page. I couldn’t find it.
"Yeah I'm pretty sure he accidentally hit the report button when he meant to send a reply"
I ain’t gonna touch this. My gut tells me there is more to the story, but it isn’t my story and since I’m the type of man that respects the house that he’s in (in for free, by the way, unless there comes a time when I decide to donate to BL) I’m not going to second guess the actions of those who host and administer this site.
I’m going to continue to operate under the assumption that that since I’m only a visitor here, everything I write, anywhere I write it, is subject to review. That's just for me. I have more than enough email accounts so that if I wanted to communicate with someone offline in a private manner, to find a good ribs joint or fishing hole for example, I’d use one of them. Ain't no law against that, is there?
Just one question, where is the “report button” on the PM page. I couldn’t find it.
Mr.Scagnattie
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^^
Relax, man. What are you tripping about? Hah. There is no conspiracy of the staff reading peoples PM's.. they can only physically even do that if it is reported. And the button is in the top right corner of the message.. it's the same one as in a post, the blue triangle with the exclamation point in it.
I don't know why the guy reported himself.. ha. He's obviously an idiot who thought that he'd just get 95 in trouble, and too dumb to realize that he would be implicating himself in the process. That's all there is to it.. ha. It's not a conspiracy.
Relax, man. What are you tripping about? Hah. There is no conspiracy of the staff reading peoples PM's.. they can only physically even do that if it is reported. And the button is in the top right corner of the message.. it's the same one as in a post, the blue triangle with the exclamation point in it.
I don't know why the guy reported himself.. ha. He's obviously an idiot who thought that he'd just get 95 in trouble, and too dumb to realize that he would be implicating himself in the process. That's all there is to it.. ha. It's not a conspiracy.
BlueHues
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^On every post or PM that's sent, there's that little triangle with an exclamation point that reports a post when you click on it...
Obviously, there's no "report post box" to click on in the message box you're writing in, because there's usually not a reason to report yourself in the middle of writing a post before you've even hit send! lol
"Oh my God, this post I'm writing violates the BLUA, I better report it so somebody can knock some sense into me!"...
Mods don't have the power to read people's PMs...
Obviously, there's no "report post box" to click on in the message box you're writing in, because there's usually not a reason to report yourself in the middle of writing a post before you've even hit send! lol
"Oh my God, this post I'm writing violates the BLUA, I better report it so somebody can knock some sense into me!"...
Mods don't have the power to read people's PMs...
Mr.Scagnattie
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Haha.
somnilicious
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Me as well, Oxy heads or people who just moved to some small ass town 3hrs from me and want to know where to get heroin. First of all I don't know you and would never tell you where to get heroin. Second of all you live like 3hrs away. How the hell do I know?
People in Florida can get desperate for an h connect. Like its gold. I could make a lot of money If I ever decided to deal or even just middle man.
Would a Mod ever create a new fake account and try to entrap you if you made a semi street specific post in the past?
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somnilicious
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How are you doing mdmazing? I can't comment much on the subs because I never had much luck with them. I just wanted to let you know I was pulling for ya? Sometimes you put your heart out there and it seems like nobody gives a shit but I read your post and I'm supporting you.
Not talking specifically about people not giving a shit about your post but it just seems when people put their heart out there and need that support to motivate them take steps and keep going in the right direction that they don't get many comments.
Not talking specifically about people not giving a shit about your post but it just seems when people put their heart out there and need that support to motivate them take steps and keep going in the right direction that they don't get many comments.
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JunkieDays
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No. Moderators aren't like that & that would be a waste of time. I'm guessing 75% of BL'ers would be banned if that was the case.
& I believe that is a violation of BLUA.. Mod or not, you cannot have duplicate accounts. Am I right?
Yep, I had the same feeling, but, like you said.. I'm not going to touch it. There's no point, we'll never know the truth of the matter.
BlueHues
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^You guys are fucking ridiculous! The worst that can happen to you on BL is that you get banned for breaking the rules, it has no bearing on your real life!...The reason BL doesn't allow sourcing is because if we did, the whole place would be one big online source-fest!
None of the mods on here actually give it a shit if Joe Blow from Louisville Kentucky hooks up someone who lives down the street with a bag of dope, but if you get caught using this website to do it, you get banned! There is no conspiracy going on here, trust me...
None of the mods on here actually give it a shit if Joe Blow from Louisville Kentucky hooks up someone who lives down the street with a bag of dope, but if you get caught using this website to do it, you get banned! There is no conspiracy going on here, trust me...
oldhippytony
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Thanks for answering my question.
Mr.Scagnattie
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Haha. Exactly. Jesus. Paranoid much, guys?
It's just a bloody website and we volunteer our time to do this.. not to waste our fucking time "entrapping" or "spying" or whatever the hell is going on in your conspiracy loving minds. That is the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
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