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friend of opposite sex??

tonja

tonja

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 15, 2015
Messages
78
:? my husband thinks I should be on the same page as him that he has a female friend that he lied to in the beginning about me and he thinks I should accept it because there is nothing going on.( he has cheated on me very current and in the past) but until today he has been very sneaky:X. my heart hurt I would not like him to have this friend but I know I need to trust. he really wants the friend and he does not want me to meet her. I asked her why and she said maybe because I am pretty. I need advise I am confused. as a last note I do not believe he has done anything with her. I feel like I am falling apart in this matter... help:(
 
I suggest finding a good looking guy and befriending him. See how your hubby reacts and take it from there!!
 
Wouldn't that be spiteful?? Or maybe that is the only way.
 
tonja said:
Wouldn't that be spiteful?? Or maybe that is the only way.
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Absolutely not! If he has no problem that you have a friendship with another man, then the playing field is even and you can then have respect from both sides. A marriage is all about being a team and holding the same values. So if he has a girl friend, and let's say they exchange texts, emails go to lunch together- then there should be absolutely nothing wrong with you doing the same thing with a boy friend. And if he starts to freak on you- well, you have your answer!
 
Thanks that makes so much sense!!! I need to listen to everyone who gives me advice
 
So you're married to a guy who has cheated on you in the past, recently, and has been hiding/sneaking around with a girl that he's lied about?
 
Yes to make a long story short and i keep fighting for him why i wish i knew.
 
tonja said:
I asked her why and she said maybe because I am pretty.
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ummm thats def some shit a female would say...

but yea hes prob fukin her... he dont want ya to meet her, hes bein sneaky, hes done it before, and your "confused"... but thats just my opion tho
 
Ok confused only because believe me he has and needs what ever he want or needs at home. I asure you i am not that bad. but life must move on that i am sure of i am better than that for dam sure.
 
P.o.T.u.S said:
A guy cannot be a friend to a women in the true definition of the word..we always have that urge to fuck in the back of our minds and will keep a women as a "friend" only if we are fucking them or want to fuck them/be together..sad truth...dont let him disrespect u..stand u for yourself if he truly loved u he would not see her if it upset u.
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I don't want to start a fight at all, I'd rather give advice.That being said I strongly disagree with the statement that guys cannot be a friend to a w woman in the true definition of the word. Most of my friends over the years have been women/girls (when I was younger, and it was a really positive experience. That being said Tonja your husband clearly is not like me and probably can't have women as friends. You may want to consider temporarily leaving him unless you plan on fighting for him hard. If he is really lying about stuff, then he obviously up to no good and you need to start playing your cards whatever those may be.
 
..ive had a few very close friends that were woman but if i was lets say "sexually frustrated" i might have a moment of weakness and look for an outlet of that desire to a friend that was a girl. .i dont think that is fair to the women or a true friend

.also feelings can develop between a man and a woman that cant happen with same sex friendships..its all around more complicated..and what catches ur attention to become friends in the first place?..looks or personality/values.. do u even know for sure..with same sex its "mostly" lol personality/values but with different sex friendship it can be either one..a friendship started because of appearence is not a true friend ..

..im goin to rephrase and say it takes some self control to be friends with women. but many guys hold on to or start a friendship with a woman just for the possibility of sex or a relationship but of course its a generalization and my opinion :D
 
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P.o.T.u.S said:
we always have that urge to fuck in the back of our minds and will keep a women as a "friend" only if we are fucking them or want to fuck them/be together..sad truth...
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I completely disagree with this statement. I come from two fairly large social groups and I've always maintained a very close connection with many of the girls. I think it's important to be able to do this as part of being a healthy human being.

Now, admittedly these friends are absolutely gorgeous and I wouldn't even begin to deny a sexual attraction. But the idea that they are only, as you say, "friends" because I'd want want to have sex with them, or because I'm thinking about it, is well off the mark. They are friends because we share common interests, have years of beautiful shared experiences, understand each other and are always there for each other. These are my absolute closest friends I'm talking about, not just some temporary acquaintance who I'm aiming to use for a quick shag.

If anybody is unable to be in this position, then I'd wager that either you've just never met such friends yet, or if it is an issue for you to exist in this kind of relationship, then you are somewhat sexually unbalanced, and would do well to reconnect with the other sex in a non-sexual context.

That said, in response to the OP, I'd say your husband is currently engaging in, or seriously thinking about, engaging in a sexual relationship with this woman.

My friends come as part of the package of being me. They are a part of who I am, and I could never envision a situation in which they needed to be hidden away, unless something was going on.
 
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I have mixed feelings about this one. In my experience, I have had opposite sex friends in the past and it always seems like, at some point in time. One will develop feelings for the other. Because over time, after you get to know someone. You start to connect more which can lead to a much stronger desire to connect more. Whether through sex or conversation or competition whatever. A lot of the time we realize how much we care about the other person and want to be with them. Physically, mentally and emotionally. That's the way relationships, of all shape forms and fashions, work. However, if the attraction is purely physical to begin with. Then it doesn't matter how much you connect. You just want sleep with that person. Period. End of story. I believe it depends on your intention.
 
I can't trust someone who has fully betrayed me. I hand it to you for trying. I would tell him to drop her as a friend or you are out of the picture. Don't let him have the choice of hurting you, you are deserving of trust and security in a relationship! Any man who loves his wife and cherishes her it would never think to ignore her wishes after he has already betrayed her trust. That type of disprespect is not ok.
 
It's not unreasonable to ask your partner not to have friends of the opposite sex if they've cheated on you multiple times imo. He lost that privilege a long time ago.
 
Thank you it means alot for people tell me there advise it helps me because i have a had a rough life since January and when i think its going to get better something else happens yesterday both my husband and his friend blamed everything on me that they are fighting the fucked up part is i can see he likes her more than she does him. I feel like I'm second best when he yells at me about her its been hard for my heart to die and let go!!
 
Tonja, how old are you? How long have you too been married? Any kids?

I'll make this very very simple.
Call your mom or a trusted friend - and get a divorce lawyer.
He and his girlfriend are blaming you for their shit?

I'm a guy... but even I would say that its bullshit that he has a "female friend" that you are NOT allowed to see / talk to / whatever. I have some female friends, my have has some male friends from before we ever meet. And such situations never came up with us. She has become friends why my female friends or women who I am friends with that I had dating/sexual history. There isn't any FRIEND of mine that is hidden from her.

Your husband has cheated on you a few times... you're a pushover. You accept the blame for his problems... makes it easy for him. How long before he goes "See?! You upset me! Now I gotta go out and stick my dick in some other woman so I can cool-off, thank a lot for ruining my night" - and out the door he goes.

He's sneaky (red flag)
He cheats (red flag)
He sees women behind your back and not allowed to talk to/whatever (Red flag / Red Flag)
He blames you for his fuckups (red flag)
He's lied to you (red flag)

Dump is loser ass and go find a REAL MAN.

You have 3 choices:
1 - Make him get counseling with you (and if he quits = dump him) if he wants to save the relationship.
2 - Dump his ass.
3 - Live with it. Just admit to yourself that he's going to have sex with other women and you are NOT going to stop him. You can do a quickie in a minute or so - YOU KNOW THAT. You may want to tell him "Go have sex with other women, I don't want to hear it, see it or have friends or family know it. Use a condom so I don't get herpes".

A friend of mine was abused (blamed for shit, called an idiot, controlled) ... I gave her pretty much the same options. SHE LOOOOOOVED HIM. Cried. I didn't want to hear it.
A week later, she dumped him. Today, she has been with an AWESOME GUY for over a year now. I've never seen her this happy with another person since I've known her in 8+ years. I would be shocked if they don't get married and have kids.
 
He has cheated on you before, he will cheat on you again. Follow your gut instinct. How is it fair for someone that claims to love you have a friend of the opposite sex that you cannot see or talk to? Kick him to the curb. You will find another more deserving partner.

I myself am a jealous lover. It is one of my worst characteristics. It's gotten better over the years, but being screwed over leaves one feeling very insecure in future rationships. You have to let go. If my girlfriend started talking to another man, texting him, and hanging out with him I would call bullshit without a second thought. Not being able to even meet him? Get real.
 
I'm with everyone saying dump him. If you can't trust your romantic partner not to betray you, the relationship is almost certainly doomed. It's only a matter of time and will only get worse.
 
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