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Finally found a girl perfect for me except I can't accept her past

@ech0s85 - you've got a serious problem on your hands, but it isn't her. You need to work out just WHY you have such a view about someone who is, essentially, a victim, albeit one who got herself into the drug addiction.

Look for other issues - do you think she is dirty? Are you concerned about diseases? Are you worried she's had so many guys? Do you think maybe you couldn't please her seeing she's degraded herself so far? There will be some consideration YOU have that is behind your feelings. Sort them out or let her go find someone she deserves...
 
@ech0s85: You came here for advice... and you are NOT listening. Pretty much every person here *IS* calling you out as the person with the problem.

Really, its unfortunate that the person you are having a relationship with, ever MEET you. Lets giver her a name "AMY", since to you - she's only a "whore". I don't consider her YOURs or YOUR GIRLFRIEND - since you think of her as a whore.

I'll tell you something, the number of times I've called my wife a "bitch" in anger or to anyone is... NEVER. I've had sex with about 140 women in my life, I feel in love with her on our first night - and I grabbed her with both hands and didn't let go.

Gee, is she also a VIRGIN, since she used to be? Might as well call you "JUNKIE" since you lived that life, and must still be a Junkie. Lots of people whore themselves out for any number of reasons, including guys... and yeah, there are male junkies who have sex with men. In some form or another, people are prostitutes. You buy a woman dinner and a show for dinner... you buy her a ring, you buy her clothes, you buy her concert tickets, you spend money on women -we ALL do.

Meeting my own wife, if it was a year or so earlier - it might not have been right. She wasn't mature enough some ways. But dammit, she is awesome... perfect, hell no.

You're currently having sex with her (I gather unprotected sex) - so it means the both of you are STD free, right? Its not there are loads of cum from 100 men in her vagina, is there? Were you a virgin when you meet her?

You really have a few choices.

1 - If you wish to stay with Amy. Get professional help with a head-doctor (ie: therapy) to sort out your feelings.

2 - Leave Amy. And tell her the TRUTH. That *YOU'RE* the problem... and two dozen people told YOU, that *YOU* are the problem. Say it like this "Amy, I have issues that has nothing to do with you. You're a great woman who deserves someone much better than I can ever be. I am not willing to make an effort to resolve my problems. I do not deserve you. If I stay with you, I will create misery for you and me as we'll eventually break up because of my problems. So please let me save you from such pain now, so you can go out there and find the man of your dreams who will love you and respect you fully".

Really, YOU have NO OTHER CHOICE. You cannot sort this out by yourself... and don't stay together, hoping you'll work this shit out next year. You resent her, you don't respect her and you have shown nothing here that you are going to change.
 
Ok first I appreciate all the responses. Secondly almost everybody is making assumptions or missing the point. My problem is that somebody would choose to do something that makes them miserable and destroys them mentally and spiritually rather than any other option. Another thing I hate about the addict culture is nobody will own up. Nothing's their fault.

She wasn't forced to do anything like somebody said. Her family constantly offered rehab, subs, whatever. And yeah Im a junky too, that has nothing to do with it. And fuck yes I'm being judgemental, and its a good thing. If you would let somebody you cared about seriously screw up and not say anything then you're a bad friend. If she had been slutty instead of being a hooker it would bother me but for a completely different reason. And I would NEVER throw this in her face during an argument and I have no idea why you would assume that. I told her when we got together how I felt about this and that I didn't know how I would handle it even years down the road, so leave now if you're not ok with that. I've never brought it up since and I don't treat her any differently because of it.

I knew what I was getting into and i would never try to use shit to hurt her.

So again, my problem is that somebody with all the options in the world would put themselves through that. I love who she is now, I'm just having so much trouble with the past.
 
ech0s85 said:
And fuck yes I'm being judgemental, and its a good thing.
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Don't let your pride justify itself. What you say about letting a friend know they're screwing up is legit, but what does that have to do with her past? Were you with her when she was being a whore? No! So what's your concern now?

I think if you let her go, it'll be your loss, aside from it certainly not being of any help to her.
 
ech0s85: You've explained yourself again... and the results are the same. *YOU* resent her. And you're lying to her, pretending to be all nice and loving to her. How do you think she would feel if SHE knew you talked about her behind her back, calling her a whore. But in your mind, you're thinking "did she suck that guy's cock?! I bet she sucked the bouncer's black fuck meat. That guy she's talking, he looks like he always pays for." Look at your own words.

Many many years ago, a GF at the time went down the dark rabbit hole of crack/meth - lost her home, her car, her family and of course me. She did whore around to do whatever it is she needed. She sucked dick for cat food. Not a bag of cat food, or a box of cat food. Nope, she took it in the mouth for a bowl's worth - to last a day. That is what happens to some people. It took two years for her to come back into town, beaten and battered and she did get clean. I don't know what she did when she left, I didn't ask, I didn't want to know. The catfood thing was before she vanished.

Why didn't you stop her before she went that route?

Oh yeah, YOU WERE NOT THERE. You were both in separate worlds.

Keep this very important fact in mind. *IF* she didn't turn into a junkie, and didn't prostitute herself for drugs and whatever the exact same way she did... YOU TWO would never had meet. How did you meet? Online? Mutual friend? Bumped into her while you were both reaching for the apples at the grocery store? It takes a single action, mere seconds for a life-changing path to happen. And by circumstances, you meet your dream girl... WOW!

When I consider the shit that I went through (and my wife before we ever meet) just dating someone else or a change in timing could have drastically change our future. I almost didn't go out for a drink that night, it was a spur of the moment thing. Even having a child... It was the right time to have sex in which a specific sperm out of millions made a connection with the egg, which didn't get rejected and formed into a baby. He wouldn't be here if she went home with another woman that night, even if we meet the next week. Thats life... a series of chances that you have no control over.

Yet, by your actions - your are sabotaging both of you because of your ego. What's done is done. And everything is IN YOUR COURT.

Get professional help IF you want her in your life. You don't even need to tell her about it... or why. Eventually, your problem will explode and she will be out of your life.
 
If it bothers you, it bothers you. I understand the idea of empathizing with somebody's pain to the point that you writhe all night in bed. And if you just couldn't understand how she found herself in that 'horrible place' and the thought of this person you love being pushed into something 'so terrible' was eating you from the inside, I could understand that too.

I dated a girl once that got pushed into some nasty shit when she was in her teens. Some slimeball had her and a friend performing 'unspeakable' acts on camera and pasted them all over the internet. She was ashamed of herself. I cried for her. She had careless sex with a lot of people, and it was a dark time in her life. It bothered me because it bothered her, and I couldn't stand to see her in pain.

But the problem is, you seem to think you've got this pegged - she just 'frivolously threw her innocence away', and you 'just can't live with that'. This is an ego issue. It's not about whether you can forgive her for being a prostitute, it's about whether you can forgive yourself for dating a former prostitute. "What would my family think if they knew?", "What would our kids think?", "How does this reflect on me?". Get over yourself. If you are so insecure that you have to measure your quality by the past actions of your lover, then you're fucked. Love requires compassion, forgiveness, compromise, understanding, sacrifice, and a willingness to let go of yourself. A loving relationship can be conditional to a degree, but the realm of the past is off limits. If you love somebody, you love what's shaped them and you shouldn't want to change them or discard the 'ugly parts'. If you can't find the courage to let go of your ego, you're never going to be able to love somebody... and, as harsh as it sounds, you don't deserve to be loved.
 
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It sounds like you have the problem not the girl... If you can't get over her past I'd say stop leading her on.
 
ech0s85 said:
Ok first I appreciate all the responses. Secondly almost everybody is making assumptions or missing the point. My problem is that somebody would choose to do something that makes them miserable and destroys them mentally and spiritually rather than any other option. .
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Maybe for YOU it would destroy you spiritually. Maybe for her it wasn't the big thing you have built up in your mind. Especially if she had a habit she was probably numb to feeling. And just because it might have made you miserable if you were in her place, it doesn't mean she was miserable while doing it. Probably it was just a mechanical act that meant nothing to her. Not something that gave joy but not something that caused misery.

Just cause she had a choice of rehab over prostituting doesn't mean much. If she was not ready to stop using then it didnt matter about subs, family, or rehab.

Heroin use is far more likely to destroy someone spiritually than having sex for money. Especially if she was already numb from the dope

See, I think your issue comes from you assuming she felt the way you would feel if it were you. She probably doesn't. Thats why you can't understand why she made the choice. On heroin, she probably thought it was quite an easy way to keep from being sick!
 
Honestly you should just walk away. its not fair to her for you to stay with her its obvious you cant get over your convictions. if your sitting here debating on the issue you should just leave now before you get this poor girl more hurt in the future when you eventually leave her and every time you have a fight im willing to be you will throw this in her face.

the past is the past everyone deserve another chance. sounds like you have a great girl there do you have any idea how hard it must have been for her to even tell you this. she was trying to be open an honest with you trying to make a good start and you go and hold it against her cause big deal she did drugs so she sold her body it wasnt her it was the drugs you must not really be a recovering addict cause if you were you would understand the hold drugs can have on a person. and everyone is different some are more addicted then others. the others are right you dont deserve her
 
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From what I've found about unconditional love is that you find yourself able to accept things you normally would of thought you never could, so you might want to ask if you truly love her as much as you think you do because from my experience nothing about what someone's done can change the way you feel about them if you truly think they're your soul mate.

I ask this because if you cannot accept something about somebody you love I think it is important, for both their sake and yours, to truly access how much you love them.

If you truly do love her as much as you say you do, then you need to consider the fact that had she not done such things to support her habit she might have grown into the same person you love today. You say you feel dirty, imagine how dirty she much feel! Now think of how strong a person must be to not only kick an addiction but also overcome such horrors I'm sure one faced in prostitution. Would you honestly want her to have not done such things in the past knowing she likely wouldn't be the person she is today? It truly takes a strong soul to overcome such things, and even a strong soul grows stronger in doing so.

You say you were a junkie. Let me ask you, have you not done things you swore to yourself you never would? I'm sure you have. I'm sure she has to. Why does it matter that the things you did were different? If you both ended up doing things you swore you never would, things that went against your morals, thighs that made you feel dirty, is that not the same in a way?

Why dont you use the things you've done that made you feel dirty to help understand her. Use the feelings you experienced. Discuss such things together, as well as how they helped you grow and how you deal with the emotions of the past, focus less on the actions.

Not that it's relevant, but, as I'm assuming she didn't get aids or any permanent STD, she must of been somewhat smart about it. That must of meant a part of her still cared. Consider too, that if a part of her still cared while she was at her lowest, how much pain being there must of caused her.

If after considering how much you truly love her you feel you she truly is the one for you, and even after considering all the things I've said decide you still cannot get over her past, then I do not think she deserves you. After all, wouldn't you be doing something we all swear we would never do? Don't we all tell ourselves we'll love our soulmates no matter what journey they took to shape their souls?
 
Dude, you still there now?....
If so your good, if not still right choice. I can't go back and get the years I spent with someone with a past I couldn't get over...
 
Bro, do u love her? Like really love her?
If you do, marry her.
And never, ever use her past against her.
Understand that substance abuse requires tons of money and obviously she chose a way generally most addicted woman do.

Virginity doesn't matter if your love is true.
Just make sure she has no std's for safety's sake. But honestly if I loved a girl even if she had std's, I'd let her give it to me. That's true love man.
 
russiancoma said:
no abuse please
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You are a bit of a tool. You are however welcome to hold that sentiment towards this matter. I have friends, male and female who have gone down this path and I don't think any less of them for it. It is tragic when people are forced into it, through human trafficking. My ex had that unfortunate experience and she is a much stronger person than I could ever be and an inspiration to myself. I just wish I could have been a better man for her and given her what she needed. She makes me want to be a better person.

There are also men and woman who don't have the same conventional views on sex as the majority of people. Monogamy is the standard it seems but some people don't have the same sexual hangups and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if that's what they want to do and if they are fine with it. Using the words "whore" or "hoe" as an insult just seems childish and unessecary and just a projection of ones own prudish values. I can understand not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is currently or has previously prostituted due to concerns of STI's, and the usual expectation of monogamy but as was described in the OP, if this man actually loved her he should be able to accept her for her past. She was completely honest with him and made herself completely vulnerable. That is a form of intimacy in and of itself and to be thrown away after that would be soul crushing. I am curious as to how this turned out.

I don't believe that a human being is of any lesser value because of what they have done sexually in their past. Sometimes it is forced, sometimes it is out of desperation, and other times it can be out of enjoyment but whatever the cause it doesn't define a human being as whole. There are so many other dimensions to a person and the male tendency to disapprove of the way in which a woman has used her Vagina in the past, before he has met her is usually a double standard and an unfair one at that.
 
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Seems as an ex addict you could let this go. There are husbands that have sold their wife's pussy for dope. Middle class to wealthy people that end up in a tent town because of dope. If you are both clean and stay clean you have nothing to worry about. If you can't get over it then let her go so she can have a chance at a decent life with someone that can appreciate her for who she is now and not for who she was a long time ago. I know for sure I am not the same person I was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago.
 
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We have all done some fucked up shit in the past. As long as she is std free you shouldn't judge. Past is past you have to move on. I've done fucked up shit that im ashamed of, but I did it. If people knew they would be disgusted. I keep that shit to myself because I knew I used to have a problem.
 
Either get over yourself and let it go or let her go find someone who deserves her since you clearly don't.

Short, simple, solved.

A lot of us have done bad shit we're ashamed of in our pasts because of our addictions. All that matters is who you are now, not who you were then.
 
Mysterie said:
you don't deserve her if you are so judgemental.
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That's exactly what I was thinking. You don't deserve her. You called her a whore! WTF is wrong with you? You're disrespecting yourself? You're disrespecting HER. Grow up man. Who are you to judge and insult someone? You don't love her. You love yourself. She's better off without a douche like you.

ech0s85 said:
Ok first I appreciate all the responses. Secondly almost everybody is making assumptions or missing the point. My problem is that somebody would choose to do something that makes them miserable and destroys them mentally and spiritually rather than any other option. Another thing I hate about the addict culture is nobody will own up. Nothing's their fault.
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Like being a junkie? Or getting addicted to drugs? Geez, I WONDER WHO WOULD CHOOSE SUCH A THING?!!

So who/what did she blame her drug use and being a junkie on? What's your excuse? It sounds like deeper issues..
Hasn't she paid the ultimate price?
ech0s85 said:
She wasn't forced to do anything like somebody said. Her family constantly offered rehab, subs, whatever. And yeah Im a junky too, that has nothing to do with it. And fuck yes I'm being judgemental, and its a good thing. If you would let somebody you cared about seriously screw up and not say anything then you're a bad friend. If she had been slutty instead of being a hooker it would bother me but for a completely different reason. And I would NEVER throw this in her face during an argument and I have no idea why you would assume that. I told her when we got together how I felt about this and that I didn't know how I would handle it even years down the road, so leave now if you're not ok with that. I've never brought it up since and I don't treat her any differently because of it. .
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So if you were offered rehab, would you go? How many times did someone offer rehab to you? How many times did you go? How many times did you fail rehab?
Being judgmental is NOT a good thing. Good friends are NOT judgmental. Friends are suppose to provide support, unconditional love, and have an open mind. Let somebody screw up their own life? I mean, sure you can voice your opinion but you have no control. And this is if it's happened HERE AND NOW. You're talking about the past! So you're a good person by being judgmental and calling her a whore for her past? Something that she probably deeply regrets and reflects part of her darkest past? You tell yourself that you don't treat her differently yet, you wonder how she could do that? You view her as DIRTY. You don't want to have children with her! That is treating someone different, mister.
ech0s85 said:
I knew what I was getting into and i would never try to use shit to hurt her. .
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But she's a dirty whore who doesn't take accountability for her actions and will never raise your children, right? I mean, WHY DIDN'T SHE GO TO REHAB.?!
ech0s85 said:
So again, my problem is that somebody with all the options in the world would put themselves through that. I love who she is now, I'm just having so much trouble with the past.
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If you loved her, you would accept her for who she is and that includes her past. You can't love someone for who they are NOW and pick and choose what you like from their past. She's a fucken human for godsakes.
 
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forestman4 said:
Bro, do u love her? Like really love her?
If you do, marry her.
And never, ever use her past against her.
Understand that substance abuse requires tons of money and obviously she chose a way generally most addicted woman do.

Virginity doesn't matter if your love is true.
Just make sure she has no std's for safety's sake. But honestly if I loved a girl even if she had std's, I'd let her give it to me. That's true love man.
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Nice to see someone else who really understands what love is. I'm with a man I love. And if he had an std when we got together, then id take the risk without thinking twice. Real, true love is crazy making. It overrides everything else. If her past bothers you this much, you're not in love with her. You may love her in some other way, but you're not 'in' love with her.

And yes, a lot of female addicts will have at one time or another gone down this road. Probably almost all will have considered it. If you're a woman, and a serious addict, it will only be a matter of time before some dirt bag offers or pressures you for sex in exchange for drugs. All it takes is being desperate enough when that happens and a lot of people will wind up crossing a line they'd never otherwise cross. You have no right to judge anyone for doing what they felt they had too at the time.
 
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