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Finally found a girl perfect for me except I can't accept her past

ech0s85

ech0s85

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
784
I posted something related to this about a year ago but I keep having trouble with it. I'm almost 30, and I had a gf from 17-21 where I learned a ton about relationships, and since then dated a lot and at this point I know exactly what I want in a girl.

I've been with my girlfriend now about a year and a half, and she's great. Like I really couldn't ask for more. I'm really picky about the people in my life and this is the first time ever that a girl was good enough that I'd be with just her since I broke up with my first serious gf like 8 years ago. She was a junky for years and so was I, the only problem is that she got into prostitution for a year to support her habit. This was before I met her and I've always known about it. I cannot get past that no matter how much I want to. To me that shit is the most vile, pathetic, disgusting shit a girl can do.

If I hadn't known from the start I wouldnt believe it if somebody told me. It doesn't fit her personality at all. I feel like the universe is fucking with me because I've always said I would never have anything to do romantically with a girl that chose to do that, they're essentially untouchable and yet somehow here I am. If there was literally any other problem Id be done with it but there's not. I can't understand why she chose that, and she definitely didn't like it. I have a hard time respecting somebody who would do that to themselves especially just for fucking dope. And I've been so torn up and depressed about it because I feel like I'm disrespecting myself by being with her. It makes me ashamed and embarrassed and sick. I go back and forth about leaving her because of that but at the same time I love her and feel like I'd be stupid to give up such a great relationship over it. It's like no matter what I do I lose something priceless.

I love her and want a family at some point, but in the back of my mind I'd always be thinking I had kids with a whore. but I also know how rare it is to find a girl I click with like this and really don't want to date for another decade hoping to find one.

I'm not sure what the point of posting this is but I need to get it out and there's nobody in my life that I'm ok telling this to.
 
You need to man up and learn to let go. Heroin is a physically addictive drug that gets people hooked causing them to think irrationally and make poor decisions completely out of character in order to keep that buzz going. If you love her as much as you say you do then should be no problem. Stop calling your girl a whore man that's not who she is anymore. Maybe if you had met her before she got into prostitution things would have turned out different.

Unless she brings it up a lot or seems like she has thought of relapsing and going back to her old ways, then there is no issue. You have to let go and give this woman the love that she needs. Your negativity towards her past will only increase the chances of her failing to remain sober.
 
I can see how letting go of your conviction would be hard. But, if you love her I would try to let this go and not be so judgmental. She no doubt feels terrible about that time in her life. I can't imagine how grateful/loved she must feel to be in a relationship with someone who can accept that part of her life, if you choose to do so.
 
Whore is a label, where is that coming from?
For me I know when I am judging someone it's a part of me I have not accepted… Letting go takes love. You've got that, the love, now it's time to do the other part, for both of you, maybe?
 
Are u sure your past is so perfect to judge another?..for every finger u point theres 2 pointing back at u..if u love her in this present moment u should fully accept what she has done..how else do we learn besides mistakes?

be strong enough to be her man,women deserve our support not our judgements..at least she got paid..ive given free drugs to women i was fucking whats the difference if a woman is getting paid for sex to buy a drug..thats still sex for drugs..good business woman if u ask me..its her decision who she gives her body too its not your possesion its hers.when u were using u tell me u wouldnt of fucked a woman and she paid u to buy dope..its all the same u guys werent together

the most vile ,pathetic, and disgusting thing a man could do is judge the woman he claims to love when she was in the endless battle for sanity we call addiction
 
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You gotta either come to terms with this in a way that is finite or bounce. If you sit quietly in resentment that is just going to slowly get more and more toxic and ultimately destroy your relationship. If you can't handle her past then bounce now. Otherwise you have to accept her, flaws and all and not use it as a way to feel superior. If you do it will ultimately be your ruin.
 
Mysterie said:
you don't deserve her if you are so judgemental.
Click to expand...

Exactly.

It's her PAST. She's over it. If it's that big of a deal, find someone else. So will she. She sounds pretty amazing, I'm sure she could find an amazing guy.
Honestly when people are so judgemental (like you are being), I'm not going to try to help your self esteem or make YOU think you're the right thing or whatever you want to hear. I'm supporting the person who's being judged for no good reason.

We all have a past. We've all done dumb things. Some worse than others. Is she STD free? (as prostitution can come with STDs) if so then I wouldn't care about her past. It's part of her. I bet she learned a lot during that time and that has helped shape her as a person.

If you love someone, you don't judge them, at least not like this.
 
this girl is perfect except for her past = this girl is not perfect.

rich people are the same as poor people except they have more money...

sounds like you can't let this go and it's a deal-breaker. so you need to let her go.

i agree with the judgement comments. calling her a whore is just lame.

do yourself and her a favor and move on.

alasdair
 
No dont let her go. Deal with your own resenment and continue to love her. Forgive and except. Let bygons be bygons. Stop making images in your head, take control of your thoughts and life and enjoy NOW. We cannot live in the past and in the imaginary past we make up. Please let love concour. Dont give up on a good relationship because of the past..
 
Yes, resentments are like carrying hot coals in the hand… only burn ourselves and stay unforgiving… Lift up the resentment, and you'll find fear. What are you scared of ultimately?

Look at that, what's in you - not her. I would suggest in this situation.
 
I kind of wonder how you'd feel about her if she had sex with the same amount of guys but for free.
 
All of them are whores bro. Some do it for money, some do it for free... You see what I'm sayin?

I'm a male junkie, we dont really have that option. But if I was a female I'd be the biggest slut in the world, u can count on that...
 
Most women prosititute themselves. Some are up front and do it for money, others do it because their sexuality is a powerful weapon that they realise they can wield at an early age.

Are you any better? Can you honestly say that every woman (or man) you slept with over the years was due to love? Sex is what it is, receiving money at the end makes her no less a person than if she did it because she wanted to receive human warmth or simply a bed to sleep at the end of the night.

I'd be surprised if she isn't questioning why she would want to be in a relationship with a former junkie. What sort of man would sell their soul selfishly simply to get high? What sort of man cannot control their urges and simply go to work rather than score drugs?
 
If this is eating at you this much, imagine what it's doing to her? Based solely on what you said, I'm guessing she doesn't feel really good about her past - and I'm sure your displeasure about it is devastating to her (if you've shared with her how much it bothers you). It's heart breaking that you can't forgive her transgressions and realize that everything that happened in her past came together to build the amazing woman you love today. If she hadn't had to go through prostituting her self for drugs and the experiences that accompanied that lifestyle, she might not be the same person you clicked with. That's not casting any aspersions on you, just saying that our pasts are integral to who we become - for better or for worse.
If you absolutely can not reconcile the fact that she made a decision that was morally distasteful in your eyes - If you can not love her present and future - and forgive her past, If you can not forgive regretful decisions made out of drug induced desperation - you may need to let her go.
I suspect if you do let her go, you will always regret doing so. Consider your preferences for what you want in a mate and think about how unique they are, how frequently you are likely to find that combination in one person. Will anyone ever measure up to her in all the other ways you do love her? -I genuinely believe that this is truly more about you and your own battles and prejudices than it is about her past.
 
Agree wit's everyone here

the worst part about you OP is you were a fuking junky so she should be able to feel safe with you in the way of you knowing and understanding what the drug can make you do. Not everyone has mommy and daddy supplying them money so they don't have to go to certain depths.

Maybe be just maybe if you had never touched a drug or a drink I could see you not being able to understand

but you said in your first post that "she was a junky for years, and so was I."

you are a fucking disgrace calling her a whore and what not. People's posts don't usually make me rage like this, but you fixking disgust me.

So so I guess to sum up everything in a sentence it would go something like this.

Your girl deserves sooooo much better, and you can go fuxk yourself OP. Go apologize right the fuck now
 
I just had time to skim through this so far but for everybody trying to justify shit by saying it was the drugs...it was. But I've been on pills dope or methadone for almost a decade and I would never degrade myself like that for a hit. I've been so sick I would've needed an Iv to stay hydrated after one more day because I won't compromise myself like that over fucking dope.

How do you respect somebody who's sucking off a guy that they normally would never touch while crying the whole time for a few bucks instead of going to family or a clinic for help. And I could understand if there was ANY cause. At first I thought she must've had a rough life or something. Nope. Upper middle class, great family, no trauma of any kind.

It's come to the point where either there's some part of her life I don't know about, or she's just the kind of person who's ok with that or gives up that easily. And it kinda makes me feel like I don't know Her at all because like I said it doesn't fit her personality at all.

And I say whore because that's what she was. By definition. If I care about people I will not let them delude themselves. You're not an "escort" you're a prostitute. And I expect the people in my life to do the same for me.

And I know how I come off but I want to be clear that this is a problem with me, not her. I let her know how I feel about it when it started really getting to me but that's it. I don't give her shit about it or treat her differently, I just really want to get past this because otherwise things are good. I knew what I was getting into but the part I didn't plan on was how the more I love her the more this shit hurts.
 
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