does this count as sexual harrassment?

[swangin12]

i been living on my own for the past three years and ive had a lot of time to reflect on my childhood

amongst a million things there have been some memories that i just cant shake. when i used to live with my mom, there were times where we would cuddle before i went to sleep and i remember a few times she would lightly pat/spank my butt in bed and joke that its jiggly. this always made me rly angry and i would tell her to stop. it made me angrier that she didnt seem to think it was inappropriate.. and still repeated it in a few other instances. also, i remember one night i was going to bed and i had the covers over me, my mom came to say goodnight but she made a comment..she said sort of jokingly "what are you doing under there?".. implying that i was touching myself... and i jsut remember feeling angry and disgusted that she would even ask that. like who says that you know? btw this took place during my mid-teens... edit: oh and one other memory... i remmeber one summer we were int he backyard and i had short shorts on. i was sitting somewhere across my mom and she said she could see my pubic hair, like she was surprised they were growing in. that also made me feel rly violated. i just remember getting angry adn shouting at her dont look at me

anyways, who knows if anything else has happened... my biggest fear is being molested as a kid and not ever remembering it properly or at all. and the thing is, even if what my mom did is considered as harrassment, what am i supposed to do? she had a stroke 4 years ago and is living in a group home, disabled. so do i just confront her even though her situation is shitty enough

 

[Bearlove]

Its certainly inappropriate behavior - it could be considered as sexual harassment (harassment of a sexual nature) it's a difficult one to say for sure. It was clearly her intention to make you feel uncomfortable (like most jokes) and it was sexual in nature.

I know a lot of parents to would make flippant comments like this though and not mean any real harm by them,it could be their way of saying that they recognize that your becoming an adult in a jovial way / starting to treat you as a young adult so change their sense of humor? This sudden treatment of a young adult instead of a child could be a bit of a shock and maybe misinterpreted?

I am not saying that making sexual comments towards your kids is OK but I'm not saying that every comment should be considered as sexual harassment. If it's really making you feel that uncomfortable - you can tell them enough is enough, it's no longer funny or appropriate.

 

[nuttynutskin]

What your mother did/said was definitely abuse... Was it sexual? Does it matter? I think the best thing you could do is cut her out of your life and try to move on honestly. If you did confront her what would you expect to get out of it? If she's a typical narcissist as it sounds that she might be, you most likely aren't going to get any sort of apology or remorse from her. Also you said she had a stroke but didn't really comment on how much it affected her. If she's bad off mentally I would probably just leave her alone.

 

[Mysterie]

there were times where we would cuddle before i went to sleep and i remember a few times she would lightly pat/spank my butt in bed and joke that its jiggly. this always made me rly angry and i would tell her to stop.

when you say "we would cuddle", it implys to me that it was consensual cuddling, and you said you were mid teens?

honestly i think at the worst it sounds like you mum was teasing you because she knew that you would be mortified by your mum pointing this stuff out to you. it sounds like she was just trying to have a more open/humorous relationship with you (not sexual). maybe the spanking thing was just her still seeing you as a little boy, when in reality you are a teenager who doesn't want his butt patted..

i think you are blowing some of this stuff out of proportion to be honest, unless i am misunderstanding what you are laying out in your OP.

 

[pill_billy]

when you say "we would cuddle", it implys to me that it was consensual cuddling, and you said you were mid teens?

honestly i think at the worst it sounds like you mum was teasing you because she knew that you would be mortified by your mum pointing this stuff out to you. it sounds like she was just trying to have a more open/humorous relationship with you (not sexual). maybe the spanking thing was just her still seeing you as a little boy, when in reality you are a teenager who doesn't want his butt patted..

i think you are blowing some of this stuff out of proportion to be honest, unless i am misunderstanding what you are laying out in your OP.

Im lost... so are you a guy or a chick? cause i read it all and was thining your blowing it out of porportion cause i use to date a chick and her mom would smack her ass every once in a while and say it was getting jiggly, but its cause she was gaining weight and shit.... but yea it your a guy that does seem a little odd... but idk non of us were there so cant really tell how the jokes were used in and if you took em outa context but it does sound kinda strange, and in my opion, even if you did bring it up to her i really doubt she would be like ooo yea i sexually assulted you.... go see a therapist if you have real doubts, im sure they woud know better then us.... anyways hope you figure everything out

 

[Mysterie]

im a guy. but i can picture like a hippy mom who is secure in her self to do this kind of stuff if she had a sense of humour (i think its kind of funny), obviously the OP did not find it so.

it just would be an extremely rare phenomenon for a mother, to be sexually attracted to her teenage son. that just goes against every fibre in most mothers bodies and minds. you give birth to them, you are family, most people are not sexually attracted to family that close.

she gave him a smack on the bum, the jocks in high school used to slap eachother on the arse as a joke a lot, and they appeared to be attracted to girls, so it is kind of a sign of platonic affection.

she didn't stick a finger up his anus and say "how does that feel hunny", or start humping him when he was 15, she slapped him on the bum !

 

[Bearlove]

im a guy. but i can picture like a hippy mom who is secure in her self to do this kind of stuff if she had a sense of humour (i think its kind of funny), obviously the OP did not find it so.

it just would be an extremely rare phenomenon for a mother, to be sexually attracted to her teenage son. that just goes against every fibre in most mothers bodies and minds. you give birth to them, you are family, most people are not sexually attracted to family that close.

she gave him a smack on the bum, the jocks in high school used to slap eachother on the arse as a joke a lot, and they appeared to be attracted to girls, so it is kind of a sign of platonic affection.

she didn't stick a finger up his anus and say "how does that feel hunny", or start humping him when he was 15, she slapped him on the bum !

I don't think it matters is your a guy or a girl or if you parents were hippy or not. Making the odd sexual joke towards your kids isn't really abuse - inappropriate yes, but isn't that the point of this kind of humor? Jokingly as adults we will say sexual things to one another just for the sake of a laugh (as friends not some random at the gas station) - its certainly not sexual harassment and we wouldn't continue to do it if we knew it actually caused offense. When people are changing from children into young adults this type of humor, from parents could come as a shock and seem really inappropriate (but if the same thing was said by your friends it would mean nothing).

This first post mentions her mom highlighting the fact that she could see her pubic hair and was surprised that they were growing in. If this had been at school or at a friends house and they mentioned it, it wouldn't have the same impact or be seen as sexual harassment.

 

[Mysterie]

i just see it as kind of trying to break down the shame which society projects onto children, that you should be ashamed of your body and anything to do with sex. who cares if she said she could see his pubes, maybe she was proud that her boy was becoming a man, maybe she doesn't see pubes as being something to be ashamed of, maybe she was just making an observation, maybe she wanted to watch her son squirm with embarrassment (that ain't abuse lots of parents do it and it shouldn't be seen as causing psychological damage) . if my mum said that to me when i was 15, yes i would be mortified, but unless i was a complete hypochondriac, i wouldn't start considering getting therapy over it.

 

[One Thousand Words]

anyways, who knows if anything else has happened... my biggest fear is being molested as a kid and not ever remembering it properly or at all. and the thing is, even if what my mom did is considered as harrassment, what am i supposed to do? she had a stroke 4 years ago and is living in a group home, disabled. so do i just confront her even though her situation is shitty enough

Well for starters you would remember if you were there. Suppressed memories are rare and there are often extreme experiences which may result in victims trying to forget, but it is not a common occurrence. If you are struggling to remember any serious abuse it's probably because there was none. In fact even implying that your mum was inappropriately molesting you is an insult to those poor kids whose lives were ruined by horrible parents.

So your mum called you fat (well not even in a harsh way) and pointed out that you were getting pubes? Big deal. I tease my kids all the time. You are obviously an only child, because if you had brothers or sisters I can tell you they would make you cry and cause more self doubt and insecurity than any parent could.

Personally I would never tease my kids about their body, there are enough women with deep seated body issues already, and I have pretty good looking kids so it's impossible really, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't tease them or joke with them. We did threaten to throw a period party for my daughter the other day, with home made cupcakes that looked like vaginas, with jam on top. She was horrified and embarrassed, but she got the joke. The day I am forced to second guess giving her a kiss and a cuddle before she goes to sleep will be a sad day indeed.

I only feel for your poor mother who would have to hear how pathetic her lonely son has become, wanting to search for hidden meanings from innocent incidents years ago. Go find something else to blame for your problems and leave your mum alone.

 

[swangin12]

Well for starters you would remember if you were there. Suppressed memories are rare and there are often extreme experiences which may result in victims trying to forget, but it is not a common occurrence. If you are struggling to remember any serious abuse it's probably because there was none. In fact even implying that your mum was inappropriately molesting you is an insult to those poor kids whose lives were ruined by horrible parents.

So your mum called you fat (well not even in a harsh way) and pointed out that you were getting pubes? Big deal. I tease my kids all the time. You are obviously an only child, because if you had brothers or sisters I can tell you they would make you cry and cause more self doubt and insecurity than any parent could.

Personally I would never tease my kids about their body, there are enough women with deep seated body issues already, and I have pretty good looking kids so it's impossible really, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't tease them or joke with them. We did threaten to throw a period party for my daughter the other day, with home made cupcakes that looked like vaginas, with jam on top. She was horrified and embarrassed, but she got the joke. The day I am forced to second guess giving her a kiss and a cuddle before she goes to sleep will be a sad day indeed.

I only feel for your poor mother who would have to hear how pathetic her lonely son has become, wanting to search for hidden meanings from innocent incidents years ago. Go find something else to blame for your problems and leave your mum alone.

first of all im a girl

Secondly i didnt imply my mom may have molested me nor did she call me fat or make fun of me for my weight. I just said that i have a fear of having suppressed memories. I had a pretty shitty childhood and was severely emotionally abused by my mom and her family. You have no idea what my life or situation is you insensitive fuck

 

[One Thousand Words]

Go take it out on your crippled mother you ungrateful little shit. You came here asking for advise from a bunch of strangers and gave us your life story in three paragraphs. If you had a horrible childhood then tell us all the things you do remember and we can judge it from there.

Trying to make up shit that didn't exist to justify being a horrible daughter on your mothers death bed isn't my doing.

 

[swangin12]

Go take it out on your crippled mother you ungrateful little shit. You came here asking for advise from a bunch of strangers and gave us your life story in three paragraphs. If you had a horrible childhood then tell us all the things you do remember and we can judge it from there.

Trying to make up shit that didn't exist to justify being a horrible daughter on your mothers death bed isn't my doing.

My three little paragraphs only describe a fraction of my experience growing up. You sound like an arrogant narcissistic parent and i feel sorry for your kids.

 

[One Thousand Words]

At least they enjoy my cuddles.

I feel sorry for your mum, so I guess we are even

 

[nuttynutskin]

when i used to live with my mom, there were times where we would cuddle before i went to sleep and i remember a few times she would lightly pat/spank my butt in bed and joke that its jiggly. this always made me rly angry and i would tell her to stop. it made me angrier that she didnt seem to think it was inappropriate.. and still repeated it in a few other instances.

To me that warrants abuse. Maybe not abuse like getting severely beaten, but psychological abuse none the less. She asked her mom to stop doing something inappropriate and yet her mother continued to do it. Her mom was clearly disregarding her own personal boundaries.

I had a pretty shitty childhood and was severely emotionally abused by my mom and her family.

Can you go into more detail? People are able to help you more the more info you give.

 

[Mysterie]

to me its still on the spectrum of teasing because it sounds like she might have done it, then swangin12 told her mum to stop. then her mum stops

maybe a month passes and her mum does it again as a joke or w/e, and it pisses off swangin12 again. i have no clue how that is abuse

if her mum locked her in a room and did it to her all day as a form of torture or something. sure thats psychological abuse.

 

[nuttynutskin]

maybe a month passes and her mum does it again as a joke or w/e, and it pisses off swangin12 again. i have no clue how that is abuse

Because her mom has still continued to do something that is inappropriate and that violates her boundaries after being asked not to. It's important for children and teenagers to a lesser extent to develop personal boundaries and it's clear that her mom had no regards for hers. Emotional abuse doesn't have to be torture. It can be pretty damn subtle.

 

[One Thousand Words]

I can't think of many teenagers whose parents don't make them "rly angry" from time to time.

Making then tidy their room is considered physical torture in some circles.

 

[nuttynutskin]

That really has nothing to do with this.

 

[Mysterie]

Every member of my family has emotionally abused me if that's your definition of it nutty, that's the point.

 

[swangin12]

To me that warrants abuse. Maybe not abuse like getting severely beaten, but psychological abuse none the less. She asked her mom to stop doing something inappropriate and yet her mother continued to do it. Her mom was clearly disregarding her own personal boundaries.



Can you go into more detail? People are able to help you more the more info you give.

its a pretty heavy/ fucked up thing for me to talk abt but here it goes

when my mom had a stroke i was 17. she had it while she was driving but managed to pull over to the side. i freaked out, said i was gonna call 911 and she fought so hard so that i wouldnt call. i was rly puzzled and confused by this... and also mad that she didnt want to seek medical attn even tho she couldnt even respond to be audibly anymore. i called anyways

ill try to make this short but basically after she was admitted to er, i discovered why she didnt want me to call 911. it was because she didnt have a health card (im from canada). why didnt she have a health card? because apparently, she did not have status in canada for the last 25 years. her student visa expired before i was even born and apparently when my mom gave birth my dad had to pay about 5000$ for my delivery which should have been free had she had a health card. on the day of my birth, it was the second time my dad found out that my mom had lied about applying for status in canada.

why didnt she go through with applying for status? i dont really know what to believe, since now ive learned that my mom spent my entire life lying to me obviously trying to hide the fact that she didnt have status. but the most rational way i can put it is that she had an irrational fear of being deported, even though she had no criminal record or bad health history.

her not having status explained a lot about my childhood/adolescense. like why we lived with her family for 7 years after my parents divorced.... why she always worked under the table despite having graduated from university. so in the past 4 yrs, ive had a lot of time to painfully reflect. my mom had a stroke in her mid 40s man. why? because she was never able to see a doctor since she had no status or health card. her family has a history of high blood pressure issues and the reason why she had a stroke was cus she would sporadically take my grandmas HBP pills and that is very VERY dangerous when u dont take em consistently. but yeah, growing up my mom and her family had very bad temper and used me as a scapegoat, making me feel like a burden. whenever my mom became enraged over the smallest things, her and my grandma would say things like "you should be ashamed of yourself, you're making your mother mad and you're causing her blood pressure to go up". my grandma was the most emotionally abusive towards me because she was kind of financially helping my mom and she felt like i should be my dads responsibility. my uncle was pretty abusive too. i was too young and i didnt even know about any of this shit. my grandma was just a very vile person and lately i been wondering how she treated my mom when my mom was a kid/teen.

so yes, my mom being disabled now is very fucking unfortunate but i have a million feelings about it all. i feel sadness, resentment, frustration. i look back and realize my mom didnt really take good care of me, or protect me from her family. i say she didnt take good care of me because if she was gonna have a kid, she should have ensured that shed at least be a legal fucking citizen in canada. jesus. not even for me man, but for herself. canada is a very compassionate country.... she had no reason not to. i just dont understand how someone can do this to themslves, completely give up on themselves. this is something i kind of obsess over a lot because its such a rare and fucked up situation. shes living in a group home and shes still waiting to hear back from immigration offices... which will take a few years.

anyways, ive decided to see a counselor. i booked an apt w a counselor at school...