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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

Dilated Pupils

K

Kris776

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 6, 2019
Messages
14
Hey, i have 0 drug use experience, but feel my 33 yr old fiance is lying to me about hers.
Recently, I have noticed her pupils hugely dilated, I mean, they couldn't possibly dilate anymore. This is in normal lighting, no eye dr visits or such. Both times I've asked she got real defensive, "oh, you think I'm on fucking drugs, now?!?" I can't say that I've witnessed a change in her behavior or speech, such as being overly excited, chatty, or jittery. She has been drinking more and seems to be down more than anything, not sleeping well at all, up all hours of the night. Crash, then wake up. Drank near 34 beers within 12-14 hrs and seemed like she was out of it when i got there. She text me she was worried about herself. She was on the floor in full blown tears and hysterical. She was ranting about a previous abusive relationship and going over the damages he had caused in the home. This guy had her on pain pills at one point. Could pain pills be causing the dilation and what other behaviors would be expected? Or could it be something else? I love this woman, but I love my kids and their safety more. Thanks!
 
The good thing is pain pills or heroin are definitely not causing this. Pupil dilation is in line with either Adderall / Amphetamine use, or Cocaine / Meth use. To me it definitely sounds like she is using an "upper". You need to try and talk to her about it rather than confront her because as a user and a drinker she's not gonna respond well to offensive attacks. Try to catch her while shes somewhat sober and try to be reasonable and not on the offensive. Try to tell her you love her and care about her and your family and you can help her to be better and do better. Thankfully these substances are not as catastrophic as pain killers in my opinion. But if she is using meth this is seriously concerning and she needs to stop as soon as possible. Try and get her to tell you the truth, buy her a drug test, or give her an ultimatum. I hate to be realistic but if she isn't acting normal and isn't being who you and your kids need her to be, it's time for some changes.
 
OpiateKiller said:
The good thing is pain pills or heroin are definitely not causing this. Pupil dilation is in line with either Adderall / Amphetamine use, or Cocaine / Meth use. To me it definitely sounds like she is using an "upper". You need to try and talk to her about it rather than confront her because as a user and a drinker she's not gonna respond well to offensive attacks. Try to catch her while shes somewhat sober and try to be reasonable and not on the offensive. Try to tell her you love her and care about her and your family and you can help her to be better and do better. Thankfully these substances are not as catastrophic as pain killers in my opinion. But if she is using meth this is seriously concerning and she needs to stop as soon as possible. Try and get her to tell you the truth, buy her a drug test, or give her an ultimatum. I hate to be realistic but if she isn't acting normal and isn't being who you and your kids need her to be, it's time for some changes.
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Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. I sincerely appreciate it. Things have changed a lot since our engagement and it hurts to see this, and also know I'm being lied too, and don't want my kids around this behavior. With that said, I love her and her daughter deeply. Wouldn't adderall or cocaine send her energy through the roof? No, i didn't handle it right, and charged in as I was extremely hurt and disappointed.
 
Kris776 said:
Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. I sincerely appreciate it. Things have changed a lot since our engagement and it hurts to see this, and also know I'm being lied too, and don't want my kids around this behavior. With that said, I love her and her daughter deeply. Wouldn't adderall or cocaine send her energy through the roof? No, i didn't handle it right, and charged in as I was extremely hurt and disappointed.
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This is not your fault my friend, it's normal to be angry when being lied to. Unfortunately someone using drugs won't see the reality of the situation and will think they are right in their mind, even when you're looking at the bigger picture and she is not. Yes, in most cases these substances cause energy boosts, but some can be somewhat normal in those terms. Since you said her sleep quality is bad and she stays up real late this is in line with Meth or Adderall use, it completely fits the bill. But some people can take Adderall or cocaine and still sit or be calm, yet their mind and brain is turning a mile a minute if this makes sense.
 
Some other signs of stimulant use is a lack of appetite, that would be a big sign if she hasn't eaten in a very long time that she is using either cocaine, Adderall, or meth.
 
Thanks again...guess I was kind of hopeful there would be some other explanation aside from drugs, but I know it in my gut, and this helps reel my hopes back in. I know what I have to do. Have a great weekend and prayers for anything you or your loved ones may be facing.
 
just wanted to point out that her getting defensive and lying when you asked her is pretty normal behavior for an addict, especially if she is using stimulants. Try not to take it too personal, though i know this can be very difficult.

There were times when i was very deeply struggling with addiction but was still trying to hide it from the world. A part of me very much wanted to tell my wife but when she point blank asked me if i was using drugs then i got way defensive and lied to her face. And i tried to uphold that lie to the bitter end despite the fact that a growing part of me wanted to desperately open up, lay all the cards on the table and ask my wife for help...

edit: how well and how long have you known this woman? is it possible she is bipolar and just experiencing a maniac episode or she has some other kind of mental illness that you are just now witnessing for the first time? just some food for thought, it does sound like she is struggling with drug use but there are other possibilities...
 
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Hey, I've known her for 2.5 years. Soon after our engagement she also got an increase in salary and a work from home environment opportunity . It didn't take long and the isolation started wearing on her. She did get an Rx, low dosage, but can't recall for the life of me what it was. She would mention she felt like she was about to jump out of her skin. She only took it one or two days as she said it was making things worse. I had setup premarital counseling, and she texted me the day of to cancel, saying she wasn't feeling good. I didn't respond and drove straight to her house which I was 45 min away at the time, she was a 6 pack in at 2:00, and "working." Hope you have things well under control on your end! And, thank you!
 
im sorry you're dealing with this.

As far as me, yes things are much more 'in control' now vs then but the reality of the situation is that i am addict and it is something i struggle with 24/7/365/etc. Atleast now my wife and family know, are doing what they can to support me and we all work together, since my secrets exploded from the closet i tried to hide them in years ago, lol. but for me to say 'everything is ok now' would be a lie. things are better but it is a life long struggle for us for sure.
 
My hat is off to you for recognizing your addiction, opening up about it, and helping others. Everyone has something going on, something not right in their life, it's how we face them, and it's hard to help someone who doesn't want it or won't admit it. You did the right thing and now you have a support system, takes a hell of a person to do that and a hell of a woman you have by your side.
As Dierks Bentley sings, Be A Riser, A fighter, A Survivor!
 
These are telltale signs of stimulant use, especially the dilated pupils. At my worst, my crack use drove a wedge between myself and my family. I would work during the day, try my best to “socialize” with the family in the evening, and then lie to my wife about yet another late night work project I would need to do, which would allow me to sleep in another bedroom so as not to disturb her.

Of course, there were no late night work projects. It was simply a means for me to smoke crack privately. I would go on binges for several days at a time - going to work, smoking at night, maybe getting an hour or two of very restless sleep if I was lucky, and then dragging myself back to work to go through the vicious cycle again and again. This would go on quite literally for months at a time. Thankfully, although I still use, I have been able to ratchet down that usage considerably to the point where I am no longer consumed by it. Knowing my teenage stepson was living in the house with us, eventually gave me the guilt to snap myself out of what was becoming destructive behavior.

I will say that I fairly quickly developed a tolerance for crack that did not translate into a high energy level in the sense of someone bouncing off the walls. It did however allow me to stay up for hours on end with no problem. I think in the case of your fiancée, you know she is drinking considerably. Alcohol is a depressant, which is why you are likely not seeing the boundless energy from her. But alcohol also won’t let you just stay up for nights on end. There is definitely a stimulant of some sort mixed in with this. And by the way, alcohol and stimulants can be a lethal combination. I worry for you and your kids what she is doing to herself. Sorry to not be more optimistic, but you have been wise coming onto forums like this to hear from people who have walked in those shoes. All my best to you and her.
 
When I did confront her, she went off, like I was a horrible person for asking. But I now realize, I was being manipulated, and made to be the overzealous, overbearing fiance, and I can now answer her question, "
Mr.Deeds said:
Have you found any paraphernalia OP?
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Nothing, just the huge pupils, and I mean huge..
 
GloomyElk said:
These are telltale signs of stimulant use, especially the dilated pupils. At my worst, my crack use drove a wedge between myself and my family. I would work during the day, try my best to “socialize” with the family in the evening, and then lie to my wife about yet another late night work project I would need to do, which would allow me to sleep in another bedroom so as not to disturb her.

Of course, there were no late night work projects. It was simply a means for me to smoke crack privately. I would go on binges for several days at a time - going to work, smoking at night, maybe getting an hour or two of very restless sleep if I was lucky, and then dragging myself back to work to go through the vicious cycle again and again. This would go on quite literally for months at a time. Thankfully, although I still use, I have been able to ratchet down that usage considerably to the point where I am no longer consumed by it. Knowing my teenage stepson was living in the house with us, eventually gave me the guilt to snap myself out of what was becoming destructive behavior.

I will say that I fairly quickly developed a tolerance for crack that did not translate into a high energy level in the sense of someone bouncing off the walls. It did however allow me to stay up for hours on end with no problem. I think in the case of your fiancée, you know she is drinking considerably. Alcohol is a depressant, which is why you are likely not seeing the boundless energy from her. But alcohol also won’t let you just stay up for nights on end. There is definitely a stimulant of some sort mixed in with this. And by the way, alcohol and stimulants can be a lethal combination. I worry for you and your kids what she is doing to herself. Sorry to not be more optimistic, but you have been wise coming onto forums like this to hear from people who have walked in those shoes. All my best to you and her.
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Thank you for responding, I too am fearful about whatever is being combined with the drinking. Awesome on recognizing the destructive path, and wanting to do better bc of the step-son. Says a lot about you, I can't imagine how difficult it is to come off, but again, that alone speaks volumes.
 
Well the fact that she is redirecting blame is a telltale sign of lying. If only you could find out where she keeps her stuff. Do you know where she might keep something she wouldnt want you to find? I'm not normally an advocate for sneaking around and looking through other people's things, but her actions are directly affecting your life and you have a right to the truth in my opinion. If she wont tell you, then you should find out yourself. Especially with the drinking on top of what appears to be very heavy stimulant usage.
 
All, could it be marijuana as she doesn't exhibit any erratic behavior and no other signs of being "wound up?" I literally have 0 experience... would that alone make her pupils freaking huge?
 
Kris776 said:
All, could it be marijuana as she doesn't exhibit any erratic behavior and no other signs of being "wound up?" I literally have 0 experience... would that alone make her pupils freaking huge?
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Cannabis does not dilate pupils at all.
 
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