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December Getting/Staying Clean and Sober Thread v. Happy Holidays!

Very true indeed! I should have known better, when i look back on it now, but at the time the events that led up to it were quite innocent and mundane.... just a normal Wednesday morning trip to the clinic. Thanks for the support! ❤
 
sweetzoe said:
Very true indeed! I should have known better, when i look back on it now, but at the time the events that led up to it were quite innocent and mundane.... just a normal Wednesday morning trip to the clinic. Thanks for the support! ❤
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no problem :)

I remember the first time someone handed me heroin (for free) and I turned them down. I don't know if I'd be able to do that continuously or anything, but it was so empowering just to say "no, I'm ok". At the time I was on suboxone, but still, I was really proud of myself.

You also have to keep in mind that people like myself, if I was in your shoes, I can't say if I would have abstained. We're not perfect, I know I'm not. I have just been fortunate to have quarantined myself away from such situations, so as to prevent any possibilities.

Right now I'm feeling so much better, but that's only because I had an edible. If I hadn't had one, I'd be an emotional wreck, and likely tomorrow I won't feel good either. I can't even win all my battles. It kills me to know something so minimal and not seriously problematic like cannabis/shatter has such a grip on me.
 
i am proud of all of you. this is a tough journey and we are in it together. i can certainly relate to the mood swings. but yeah i think they do start to level out a bit over time as closeau said. i am still having them, but they aren't nearly as bad as when i first quit.

in terms of slipping up.. it happens. the important thing is yeah, to learn from it, but also to realize you are human and it's okay. and i gotta tell myself cause it's true, that no matter how many times i screw up in life (which is probably a good amount) i am only the stronger and wiser for it after each mistake. even though there are a lot of twists and turns it's good to remember we are never going backwards.

on that note, here's a wee something - my dad has written a couple of books on addiction, and one cool thing i remember learning in his most recent one is that recovering/recovered addicts have more 'efficient' or 'resilient' brains than people who have never gone through addiction. i'm sloppily paraphrasing here, but basically as we learn and grow we experience 'synaptic pruning' which is basically our brains trimming the fat, getting rid of the matter that does not serve you any longer. given everything we have been through, and that we are still standing, it makes perfect sense to me that we would be rather well oiled machines or at least on the road to becoming. just thought i would add that.

i am at five weeks sober and things are going a little bit better. love and happy holidays to everyone. it's very strangely misty and warm and snowless here.
 
Cap'n H, that's wild I feel horrible for you! I never knew it could be that bad... I stopped smoking pot a while ago because I didn't like how it started to make me feel- highly self critical, down on myself and increased my social anxiety in general, where it used to have the exact OPPOSITE effect. If u were nearby I make some really good brownies ?
Thanks for the inspiring thoughts and encouraging words Cap'n, I'm rooting for ya!
 
sweetzoe said:
Cap'n H, that's wild I feel horrible for you! I never knew it could be that bad... I stopped smoking pot a while ago because I didn't like how it started to make me feel- highly self critical, down on myself and increased my social anxiety in general, where it used to have the exact OPPOSITE effect. If u were nearby I make some really good brownies ?
Thanks for the inspiring thoughts and encouraging words Cap'n, I'm rooting for ya!
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awww thank you :)

That's very interesting how it seemingly inverted its effects; people tell me the same thing too by the way, and I've always been fascinated by this effect.

custard said:
i am proud of all of you. this is a tough journey and we are in it together. i can certainly relate to the mood swings. but yeah i think they do start to level out a bit over time as closeau said. i am still having them, but they aren't nearly as bad as when i first quit.

in terms of slipping up.. it happens. the important thing is yeah, to learn from it, but also to realize you are human and it's okay. and i gotta tell myself cause it's true, that no matter how many times i screw up in life (which is probably a good amount) i am only the stronger and wiser for it after each mistake. even though there are a lot of twists and turns it's good to remember we are never going backwards.

on that note, here's a wee something - my dad has written a couple of books on addiction, and one cool thing i remember learning in his most recent one is that recovering/recovered addicts have more 'efficient' or 'resilient' brains than people who have never gone through addiction. i'm sloppily paraphrasing here, but basically as we learn and grow we experience 'synaptic pruning' which is basically our brains trimming the fat, getting rid of the matter that does not serve you any longer. given everything we have been through, and that we are still standing, it makes perfect sense to me that we would be rather well oiled machines or at least on the road to becoming. just thought i would add that.

i am at five weeks sober and things are going a little bit better. love and happy holidays to everyone. it's very strangely misty and warm and snowless here.
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thank you for sharing all this, it really made me smile to hear about the resiliency of our brains :)

and congrats on your five weeks!!! <3 that's some amazing progress!
 
I've never experienced snow in my life... we had a few flurries here in 1989 and people still talk about it! but it has been unusually warm this winter even for FL... it's usually in the 50s at night most nights by now... I've got the a/c pumping right now! Looks like daily leg shaving season is still in full swing.....??
 
I'm over 3 years here, and have no desire to use. Congrats to everyone posting in this thread, and sub forum, and have a wonderful Christmas and a safe, and happy 2016.
 
I miss snow

Happy christmas eve.....I miss snow. I miss sitting on my porch with my dog lucky watching a herd of deer being lead by a brave stag seemingly appear out of the swirling miasma of flakes....I miss wondering if it is true that every snowflake is different, than how am I witnessing a blizzard that litterally everything I see is a snowflake. I miss standing on the summit of a hill. One foot in my binding, one foot planted on the earth surveying the descent and thinking about what the most fun ride would be...why do I always plan? I always forget the most fun ride on a board is the one that you don't plan. It is the one that fluidly flows through you in which you are adapting to the terrain as it rushes at you in what feels like hyperspeed mode....slowing only when your board fully leaves the ground. You hit this zenlike point in which it feels like you are not moving but merely the world is moving underneath you. You are fixed in a point in time, in your own capsule of freedom. Your breath heavy and very visible on the cold air as you finally reach the bottom and all the people scurrying about to reach the lifts, go to the lodge, corral kids taking their first lessons, or walking blindly with a map of the mountain trying to remember if the years have been kind enough to them to allow a black diamond, let alone a double black diamond. "Take a chance cowboy." I think, the worst that could happen is you hurt yourself? No, the worst that can happen is you regret not trying till next year. I survey my surroundings.....this is too packed....too many people too many kids. It makes me recall a simpler time in my youth when I would tote my alpine board to farmers hills, and the moraines around syracuse....just to find that elusive ride that was fast and dangerous enough to make me feel alive.

...I miss snow
 
Fucking finished my last graduate class ever, now just have an internship yet. Things are pretty damn good for me, not perfect but good. I have 1 year, 7 months and 16 days sober today. I have a great sponsor and am starting the steps all over again (I finished them in NA, but in my new city AA is super progressive) so its going to be a new experience. I still go to a ton of meetings and work the steps, hang out with sober people etc etc. The cool thing is I am able to reconnect now with people not in the program and am okay to go to social situations where people are drinking and feel comfortable. Do I do it often? No but I can now and I have way more fun, plus I can leave whenever I want and have no hangover. That being said, my main people today are also other sober peoples.

I have no desire to use, occasionally I will "wish" I could but I am solid in the fact that I cannot drink or use successfully. My life is too good to give up nowadays.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm so depressed.

I am trying so hard to be happy.
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I'm right with you. I'm trying whatever I can to get into the spirit of this holiday, but I put some unrealistic expectations on my ex to let me talk to my son....maybe the little piece of hope that I can grab onto is that I will talk to him tomorrow. I have come to the realization that hope is like a cable knit sweater.....sometimes you grab a little piece hoping for something great, and you end up just unraveling a mess in front of you. Hope I guess does wear out sometimes.
 
Man, im right with you chef. It def can run its course. I feel like shit right now. Im locked up in my house all alone. My dad and daughter called so that was nice but its been really hard today. Memories of her baking cookies and how excited she was. My daughter is in a screwed situation and aint dam thing i can do about it. I never thought prayer would ever help. I was the biggest skeptic but it has kept me positive for most part. Tomorrow im getting out so i have avsmidge of help. We all got to make it thru, you too Captain. Keep your head up buddy. Merry Christmas
 
Merry Christmas everybody!!! Day 10 off the opiates just in time for the holidays. This has been the best recovery I've had so far. usually I'd be miserable on day 10 with massive PAWS. I have no idea why it's easier this time. Glad.
 
Thank you closeau and manboychef <3

The mood swings stopped. I had a nibble of an edible.

It's so weird that the only major symptom is mood swings and lack of appetite

Merry Xmas everyone <3
 
I'm glad I found this thread

Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm also a winter loving soul trapped in a world without snow and even cold for the most part - my core body temperature is over 99 degrees and I miss my New York winters!

I'm still struggling to stay clean, even with the Subutex. I have no family or close friends where I live and I'm not looking forward to a Christmas day of sitting alone in my house (well my dog is here) trying not to go crazy...
 
well I am here jubuaj...So I can be there in spirit. Im in florida...the farthest I can get from a mountain, or even a powder dusted hilltop.

Im glad you made it captain...I made it too...but the despair is still very real. I am worried that if I get my hopes up again to talk to my son on christmas that...well I just don't want to give up hope. Despair is a weak mans game.

Closeu: here is hoping you get out tomorrow. They tell me change the things you can and accept the things you cannot (in reference to you daughters situation). One reason I relapsed so hard after a year of clean time before...like going to one and two meetings a day and still working 80hrs a week...is because I let the situation with my ex get to me. I can't change her. I can only change myself to accept what happens and be thankful for any little snippet of time I hear my sons voice...or see his pictures third hand (through my parents).....I let all that get to me and guess what? I ended up with a needle in my arm everyday for another two years. It wasn't even partying it was pure survival. I think if I didn't either have the drugs or the acceptance I would just cease to exist (you know you aren't partying anymore when you choose to get drunk and high alone and you spend more time crying than you do laughing...when the only pleasure is the rush and the rest is just the horrible nothingness that fills you). Anyways feel free to PM me anytime you want to talk program, or if you just need to vent...cos someday I may need that too.
 
I like to think everything happens for a reason.

Stay strong guys. I am sending lots of love out to you all. <3
 
Thanks guys, much love to all of you as well

I'm in New Orleans myself, so it's hard to find a hill of any sort - powdered or otherwise! I believe the highest point is "Monkey Hill" at the zoo - a whole 18ft above sea level!

The crazy part is, I made it back to New York after Hurricane Katrina and some how found myself back here because that's what my now ex-wife wanted. The current girlfriend is in jail, so really not much reason to stay aside from legal issues and the embarrassment of being around childhood friends who know nothing of my current drug habits

But enough sob stories - we can all be strong together and support each other
 
jabualj said:
Thanks guys, much love to all of you as well

I'm in New Orleans myself, so it's hard to find a hill of any sort - powdered or otherwise! I believe the highest point is "Monkey Hill" at the zoo - a whole 18ft above sea level!

The crazy part is, I made it back to New York after Hurricane Katrina and some how found myself back here because that's what my now ex-wife wanted. The current girlfriend is in jail, so really not much reason to stay aside from legal issues and the embarrassment of being around childhood friends who know nothing of my current drug habits

But enough sob stories - we can all be strong together and support each other
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That's why I moved somewhere new, and started fresh. It was scary but I'm so glad I did it.

I've never been to New Orleans, though I've been through Louisiana once so very many years ago.
 
I'm definitely looking forward to a fresh start. I get off probation in October, and I'm planning on moving then

I've actually been talking to my dad, who lives in Saudi Arabia, about possibly moving there or Dubai, where my uncle owns a media company he said he'll give me a job in. Less money than I make now, but free housing and transportation, so it would pretty much even out. And you can't get much more of a fresh start than literally ging halfway around the world!
 
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