cj
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2008
- Messages
- 9,823
So I am probably the biggest fuck up I know. I tried killing myself again and wound up getting arrested instead of dying. Great right? It's not the end of the world legally as they only found a rig which is a misdemeanor apparently. I don't quite know what to do though. I still want to die but I am concerned that I don't have the balls to go all the way and half measures are only making my situation worse. I am stuck in this loop of it's too hard to change and I hate life anyway vs I am too much a pussy to kill myself. I know I need drastic change but I have no money no job no resources really. Honestly I am a 25 year old child to scared to grow up. My parents care but they don't know what to do. I just feel so fucking lost. I haven't told any of my friends about what happened. They got there own problems anyway.
I really feel everyone would be better off if they had never known me. If I could go back and not be born I would so do that. As far as treatment goes I am on supoxone which doesn't really do shit for me. Methadone is too expensive at 450 dollars a month. I have done inpatient rehab twice and frankly don't think it works. Plus it's about 7 grand a pop even with insurance which expires in December. I am up against the wall I feel like.
On too of all that I am so tired. 8 years of this off and on has just taken a mental toll on me. I just want a nice peaceful exit from this fucked up place. Instead people want me in prison or under there thumb. It's enough to make me think bad things might be ok. But I'm not a bad guy I'm not violent I have so much empathy for those around me. That's why I know they would be happier without me.
I really feel everyone would be better off if they had never known me. If I could go back and not be born I would so do that. As far as treatment goes I am on supoxone which doesn't really do shit for me. Methadone is too expensive at 450 dollars a month. I have done inpatient rehab twice and frankly don't think it works. Plus it's about 7 grand a pop even with insurance which expires in December. I am up against the wall I feel like.
On too of all that I am so tired. 8 years of this off and on has just taken a mental toll on me. I just want a nice peaceful exit from this fucked up place. Instead people want me in prison or under there thumb. It's enough to make me think bad things might be ok. But I'm not a bad guy I'm not violent I have so much empathy for those around me. That's why I know they would be happier without me.