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Confess Your Drug Sins Here, 1 at a time.

^ Yes! Be honest! You're having seizures so it is imperative for you to come clean and tell them you need benzos to taper. They should come up with a taper plan. Demand it!

My psychiatrist is weaning all patients off of klonopin which makes me seek etizolam. I'm going to straight up tell her she cannot take me completely off klonopin.

You know what? Maybe tell them you've been overdoing the Xanax, klonopin or whatever legal benzo you're taking. Tell them about the seizures and that you need a taper plan. Maybe it's not a good idea to bring up RC benzos to a psychiatrist, I wouldn't.
I haven't brought RC benzos up and I've been taking them for years. Never experienced seizures. That's serious.
 
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I did meth a week ago. Been battling against the desire to do it again, even though I know it was not good for me. I feel pretty confident about resisting, and its not like I'm in an environment where it will be in front of my face if I don't seek it. It was a bit of a fluke when I did find it in my presence, and that variable has been eliminated. In short I feel pretty guilty about accepting it at all, hence this confession.
 
Thank you all for the advice. I've been legally prescribed one benzo or another since 2005; xanax, Ativan, diazepam, klonapin, etc. and then my psychiatrist just cuts me off and cancels my refills of klonapin about three months ago (I was taking 1mg tid). Etizolam helped A LOT even lowered my tolerance but now that it's illegal where I am and I don't want to deal with powder or premade solutions I'm stuck with clonazolam pellets. My last seizure was about a month ago, I woke up and began seizing then had another and another in the hospital and I know clonazolam is one of the worst rc benzos but I'm afraid if I come clean with my doctor they'll just throw me out. It's happened before. I was seeing a psych back in 2009 for about 6 months and he suddenly discontinued my xanax (2mg bid) though I showed no signs of abuse and his words before discharging me from his practice were "if you have a seizure go to the emergency room". I guess that's why I'm hesitant to tell. I mean what kind of doctor does that? Lucky back then I didn't have any seizures just mainly psychological withdrawals since he took me off my ssri and other meds too. I guess I'm just afraid if I go in and say "hey yea I've been ordering clonazolam to help with my anxiety and it's turned into something I can no longer manage" that they'll discharge me as well and not many places here accept my insurance. But at the rate I'm going I know there is no end game that will come out in my favor. I've read of people tapering off without the use of longer acting benzos but I don't know if I have the will power. Funny thing is, my neurologist gives me 30mg temazepam for sleep. Do you think I can use some combo of that and c lam to help taper before something really bad happens? Again thank you for your input and if it comes down to it I will tell my doctor... they have in patient and acute detox facilities right there. I see my doc in three weeks. Any advice on how to attempt to taper before I see her again? I know I can make it on .5mg c lam bid but my anxiety prevents me from functioning and even shopping. I've lost 20 lbs since this whol thing started. Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling. Thank you again
 
Thanks for the advice. I definitely can't see myself not taking a benzo even in low doses. I'm just concerned about about the label and stigma some doctors will put on patients and they'll put it in their notes and it's hell finding a doc to prescribe them again
 
Erikmen said:
I hate thinking about OD's. I have had my share in this life. A long time ago OD'd and was sent to a hospital where I was in a coma for a couple of days. It was beyond horrible
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Did you remember anything of your coma, or was it a total blank??
 
I shot a friend of mine up with Dilaudid. She threw up for hours. I have no idea where she is now but I started it. Deep regret.
 
WayneJackson said:
I shot a friend of mine up with Dilaudid. She threw up for hours. I have no idea where she is now but I started it. Deep regret.
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Sometimes we don't understand why we do things other people wouldn't normally do.
Sometimes we do things knowing that we'll regret but do it anyway.
 
I was a "sharpshooter" for a very dear friend in the early 2000's when Oxycontin got big and could hit his median cubital / cephalic vein blindfolded. After a 6 year downward spiral he moved to a desolate, dopeless area and turned things around but it is on my list of top 3 biggest regrets.
 
I use to have a friend who would shoot me whenever I was out of veins, the thing is that he had sobered up. Still I'd always pay him a visit so that he could help me. I remember he never complained but I knew he didn't want to keep doing this as it used to trigger cravings occasionally. To keep it short, he relapsed and OD'ed in his house's bathroom. He died.

The worst was that his girl started to spend a lot of time with me after his death. We were very close. So, not only I could have triggered him to use again but also start dating his girlfriend. This happened a long, long time ago but I still think about it and wonder if it was because of me that he relapsed.
 
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Erikmen said:
I use to have a friend who would shoot me whenever I was out of veins, the thing is that he had sobered up. Still I'd always pay him a visit so that he could help me. I remember he never complained but I knew he didn't want to keep doing this as it used to trigger cravings occasionally. To keep it short, he relapsed and OD'ed in his house's bathroom. He died.

The worst was that his girl started to spend a lot of time with me after his death. We were very close. So, not only I could have triggered him to use again but also start dating his girlfriend. This happened a long, long time ago but I still think about it and wonder if it was because of me that he relapsed.
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Damn.. I know that feeling of guilt. Lots of friends I influenced over the yrs. The worst was a girlfriend that started using with me. One day she had gone to the gyno and came back screaming and crying because I had given her HPV. She overdosed and died that night next to me in bed.
 
That's heavy. Sorry to hear that about your girl. I personally don't think you have caused it. It seems like it might have been the last drop for her. From my perspective it probably would have happened anyway. I know how you feel. <3
 
Erikmen said:
That's heavy. Sorry to hear that about your girl. I personally don't think you have caused it. It seems like it might have been the last drop for her. From my perspective it probably would have happened anyway. I know how you feel. <3
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Thanks Eric... I spent a lot of yrs. dealing with the fallout and guilt but that was a dozen or so yrs ago so I have had plenty of time to come to terms with the death.
 
somnilicious said:
Damn.. I know that feeling of guilt. Lots of friends I influenced over the yrs. The worst was a girlfriend that started using with me. One day she had gone to the gyno and came back screaming and crying because I had given her HPV. She overdosed and died that night next to me in bed.
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The thing about a heroin addict is that they will use anything as an excuse to ease thier suffering with heroin. Heroin injecting subjects you to things much worse than hpv, such as death, fatal infections, brain damage, hiv, hep c.

Unless you had warts there was no way you couldve know as there is no diagnostic test for males. And even if you did know and hid it...she was having probably unprotected sex with someone...not that condom use matters with hpv.

She should have had her self vaccinated against it if she was sexually active.


In short her recklessness with heroin is not your fault. I'm sure she would've done just as much heroin that night had you gotten into a fight with her about who cleaned the dishes. Not your fault
 
I agree totally. Heroin is pretty much seductive so regardless if you had shared, anyone else would. It's all about ones' own timing. Most of us start with somebody. If it wasn't you it would have been another person.

Heroin is simply too powerful and overwhelmingly devastating. Like LucSDream suggested, an addict will do just about anything to have his or her dose. As you know yourself the suffering is too grand and it blinds us completely.
 
This is not quite an OD story but more of an intentional attempt at suicide but anyway I had miscarried at 5 months pregnant and I felt my world was falling apart, took a whole lot of sleeping pills chased down with vodka and woke up in hospital. My dad had found me, when I saw what I had done to my parents it broke my heart. I felt like I was the shittest human being in the whole world......
 
For whatever reason - probably something to do with how my brain is wired - in the entire time ive had an addiction to heroin (10 years +) I've done nothing shameful or which I regret as a result of drug cravings, withdrawal or my attempts to acquire more heroin. This includes never lying or stealing to feed my habit. When I've run out of smack and started to cluck, I've always accepted my situation and resigned myself to the pain of cold turkey.
I'm not trying to portray myself as some sort of saint... I've lied and misled plenty to hide my habit from my girlfriend and friends. I've just never considered drug cravings justification enough to scheme and go against my principles to acquire drugs.
My actions and behaviour under the influence of alcohol however, is an entirely different story. I'm not a pleasant drunk and have a strong propensity to alcohol misuse and dependence. There are many shameful things I've done whilst drunk.
In fact, it was because I hated how alcohol affected my personality that I turned to heroin. Drunk me was a disgusting, aggressive and obnoxious person, but on heroin I am usually pleasant, considerate and interesting company.
I believe there's a genetic / hereditary factor to how alcohol affects me: my father, his brothers and male cousins are all similarly negatively influenced by alcohol and are all susceptible to alcoholism.
 
Yeah... I have come to realize that it wasn't my fault. She had never even done heroin before only Vicodin and she actually overdosed on my methadone take home. The reason she was so traumatized by the hpv probably had a lot to do with the fact that she was raised Mormon and had been a virgin before she met me. She also had a whole host of other problems that contributed to her addiction.

It really fucked me up in the beginning though and the fall out had disastrous consequences for my self esteem because I swore of sex or relationships for a while and the methadone and benzos destroyed my sex drive. The period of abstinence continued on until I hadn't had sex in yrs. It then became a psychological hang up and only snow balled from there.
 
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