Boyfriend and porn

[Qzly7r]

Hi, my bf likes to go on chaturbate where he watches other girls play with themselves and the girls are usually very pretty and have really nice boobs, asses and bodies in general. I told him I wasn't comfortable with him going on the site so he said "I respect your opinion and I'll stop" then I found out a week or so later that he'd been going on it behind my back. I feel like it's cheating because he's seeing other girls' private parts and getting aroused by it but I know that if I was on that site looking at guys' penises, he would not agree with it at all because he's insecure about his penis size as well as his body, so in respect I don't do it. When I confronted him about it, he said "I'm a guy, it's natural for me to do it so you need to start accepting that I will watch porn" am I crazy for STILL feeling betrayed by him and getting paranoid and scared that whenever I'm not with him, he's just going to go on chaturbate to get himself off. The thing that gets me is that I send him nudes and pics in lingerie but he chooses to go on chaturbate because "it's easier"...I feel really hurt and betrayed that he keeps going on this site to get himself off instead of asking me to sext him or send him pictures or skype sex/phone sex him... HELP please... I feel like it is a form of cheating because... well... he's looking at other women and getting aroused by them so he has to find them sexy and hot, he's looking at girls that don't look like me so he obviously can't say "oh, I'm looking at them ad imagining you" because that's obviously bullshit and he's most likely imagining what it's like to fuck them... Am I right to feel this way?

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

I told him I wasn't comfortable with him going on the site so he said "I respect your opinion and I'll stop" then I found out a week or so later that he'd been going on it behind my back.

So what you're saying is that YOU went behind HIS back and invaded his privacy and stalked his history folder??

When I confronted him about it, he said "I'm a guy, it's natural for me to do it so you need to start accepting that I will watch porn"

Ok, so he's trying to be honest with you. Guys "alone time" is just that. Let him fucking jerk-off.

he's looking at other women and getting aroused by them so he has to find them sexy and hot, he's looking at girls that don't look like me so he obviously can't say "oh, I'm looking at them ad imagining you" because that's obviously bullshit and he's most likely imagining what it's like to fuck them...

There's nothing wrong with someone having fantasies. I can understand that you are hurt or feel betrayed, but he isn't physically cheating on you. It would be absurd to say when two people are in a relationship they can only can have feelings, or sexual attraction, solely for each other. That's not natural. And it's making you seem very insecure.

he's looking at girls that don't look like me so he obviously can't say "oh, I'm looking at them ad imagining you"

Guys should not be jerking off to their girlfriends. Unless they are 12 yrs old maybe.


Final thought: idk dude, i'd lighten up a little on the lad. You are entitled to feel any way that you do, but he is respecting your relationship by not physically cheating on you... so maybe try to respect his "alone" time.

 

[Qzly7r]

Thanks for that, I've been looking at other threads relating to my issue and people have said the same thing

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Hm, I think guys should be allowed to look at porn.. and vice versa. Lol. It's a difficult "promise" -- don't set him up for failure.

I do think if you are sending him nudies... and sexy talk... he really shouldn't be looking elsewhere. If you are putting out every 1-3 days... plus daily nudies... he really should not be looking elsewhere, imo. I would be a little hurt if that was the case for me. If I was giving him sex once every 3 days plus daily selfies.. and I found out he was still looking at porn? I would increase sex to everyday and eliminate the selfies -- if it's easier on porn site-- please don't waste my time.

It comes down to:
What are you willing to do differently to make yourself feel better?

 

[nolys]

Nothing wrong with porn. Literally every man watches porn. It's different if they know the person personally, but if it's a total stranger then relax

 

[d1nach]

Nothing is wrong with him watching porn. I would tell him porn is ok but no chating because porn is just a movie its the chating imo thats cheating because thats the intimate part. Also nothing is wrong with you watching porn. Both of you sound like you need therapy for deep seated insecurities about your bodies. It doesnt matter if the guy is ripped or the girl is younger or prettier one is fantasy your reality. Its like getting angry when someone plays a video because what the real world isnt good enough for you.

To try and put it in a way you could understand ima guy so this might fail lol its like your reading a erotic story about a guy whos a wealthy businessman and pulls you over his knee and spanks you then throws you on the bed rips off his shirt you can see his abs and strong chest as he has you pinned against the bed is that cheating no that be crazy. Its nothing like reality.

 

[Qzly7r]

I wouldn't be too annoyed (I guess) with him watching porn unless he lets me watch it but the difference is I don't watch porn anymore because I brought it up with him and it made him feel insecure so I stopped. But when I brought u him wathing live cam girls, he only stopped for like a week then kept doing it behind my back and I haven't brought it up in case I was wrong to

 

[Qzly7r]

But by his logic he can see live webcam girls and talk to them and get himself off, but if I do that, it's wrong...

 

[Qzly7r]

I think porn is ok, don't get me wrong... My issue is him getting off to live girls doing live stuff and interacting with her... I feel like that's cheating... It's essentially the same thing if my bf was sex skyping me... I'm still getting naked live and chatting with him live... And him getting off to it... Yeah that thing you said afterwards had no effect on me. just feel hurt that he's talking to other girl's via webcam to get him off... But when I'm in bed with him rubbing his thighs and his penis "he's too tired"

 

[Qzly7r]

I've been trying to initiate the sex like ALL THE TIME... but he's alays like "I'm too tired" when that's not true because he finds it hard to sleep and even if I initiate it, he's still "too tired" and then a few days later he puts my hand on his penis because it's hard and I toss him off and give him a blowie and after that he doesn't do anything for me and I feel like it's selfish... Am I wrong to feel that way?

 

[d1nach]

Oo hell no im a single 21 year old male and id kill for a girl rubing up against me. Have you explicitly told him porn is ok its the webcam i have a problem with. And you feel like your sexual needs arent being met and you have no problem giving him a blowjob but you have needs too and want xyz

 

[Qzly7r]

i have such a high libido and I rub up on him with my ass every night but he doesn't do anything about it and it makes me feel inadequate and yeah, I have, hence why he stopped watching it for a week but after that he hid it from me. I have't spoken to him about it making me feel like my needs aren't being met cause that'd make him feel bad but whenever I do he makes me feel bad about it.

 

[d1nach]

Does he not understand it isnt the porn thats the problem its you feeling like your needs arent being met. In very very exact terms. Part of it could be commumication issues. Like i have autism so i have a major problem picking up on nonverbal cues.now he prob doesnt have autism but men in general do have a lesser ability generally speaking to interpret what people mean nonverbally. This might not be the case here but if it is the case who wouldnt feel bad knowing you feel bad. Id i would feel relieved that i know why you feel bad and how to fix it. Either way though you shouldnt feel bad about him feeling bad knowing your feeling bad im no dr phil but that sounds like a unhealthy relationship and evaluation of your own self worth that your happiness is worth so little its better to stay unsatisfied forever then run the risk of making him unhappy temporarily

 

[Qzly7r]

I don't think that he does understand, I do everything to try and get him off and in the mood but he just doesn't want to... I DO feel like my needs aren't being met, not at all... He doesn't have autism no but he's not filling my needs but I love him and I keep filling his needs via emotional, mental and physical support but I barely if not rarely the same from him... But that's not the issue rifght now, my issue is his lack of him fulfilling my sexual needs

 

[samlow]

Nothing wrong with porn. You really shouldnt take this personally, darling

 

[malakaix]

I was recently reading about the Coolidge Effect which researches suggest may play a role with porn and sexually dysfunctional relationships.

I think you're going to have to directly speak about your issue with him, it'll feel uncomfortable for both of you.. but if you let this simmer underneath long-term one day you'll react in a big way and to him it's going to seem like it came from nowhere.

 

[dopemaster]

If he is staying faithful and you are still having sex it's not a problem.

In my opinion you are making a problem where there probably isn't one.

I rarely jack off in a relationship but if its a matter of schedules or my girl isn't game and I need a release yeah I am gonna jack off.

I did have a wife who didn't like me doing it but she got over it becauss sometimes she would be exhausted from work or something and I wasn't gonna force her to have sex with me.

We had sex rather often though.

I would imagine later in life masturbation would allow people to stay faithful and porn is kind of part of masturbation.

So no I don't consider it cheating or a betrayal. If he wants to bust an extra nutt or two in his spare time thats his business.

It is a problem if he would prefer to fuck his hand then you but that just is one of those things that happens sometimes.

I doubt it is in your case so if him looking at porn is the only problem you percieve (its not) than consider yourself lucky.

Maybe buy some sex toys over something but in the modern world I couldn't use my imagination to jack off or photos of my gf everytime so as a result both frustration and chafing would ensue in full effect.

 

[Qzly7r]

I know It's been a while since I actually replied... But I do buy sex toys. I've bought butt plugs that he said he's into, he said he wanted me to do butt stuff to him (including strap ons) I've bought lots of lubes, I've bought lots of sexy outfits and I shave whenever I see any leg or armpit hairs, yet he doesn't actually find me sexy enough to actually initiate sex with me. I am still having to initiate it... I sit something that's wrong with me?

 

[FractalGenie]

It messes with the way your brain works. Like bait.. it's natural for him to nibble, natural of anyone to get caught up in it.. Porn (especially interactive porn) is designed to be that way.. but is it natural as far as ideal human relations between two people are concerned? Could be; in many cases sure. However In your case it doesn't sound that way at all. I understand his perspective, & I don't think you're wrong by perceiving it to be a form of cheating either.. To me, it's cheating on the natural flow of things. In essence I think it's more so cheating on the relationship itself than it is a form of cheating on you specifically. Perhaps try to take a different approach to communicating your concerns? A different/greater effort towards an empathetic approach might get somewhere. It's very hard to give advice without knowing either one of you =/, but it sounds like he has a habit dealing with a co-dependency on the entertainment of specific kinks. I'm sure an alternative means of entertaining those kinks (whatever they may be) could take place with you and him, leaving the internet out of it. I'm sure it would take work though.. What you're going through is a very common issue. I think the situation ought to be addressed in a non-confrontational way so that you don't risk making the problem worse by motivating the behavior to continue more. Again tho, i don't know this guy. Lots of guys get heat for this; many of them do it more when it happens and get all snaky about it (like going behind your back). Listen, if this is hurting you, examine every angle of why it hurts the best you can and take this as an opportunity to learn about your needs, and his. Looking at porn or cam models isn't a need though.. I think you should approach the subject on every level of reflection & just listen to your heart on the matter. Sounds like you already are.. That's the best advice I can give I think right now. You're not 'wrong' for feeling the way you do about the subject.

Also, if he perceives the size of his genitals to be something he can't help but feel inadequate about (which is also, very common) consider that the perceived inadequacy might stem from pornography viewing habits that could have started when he was a teenager. I think he should feel empowered by whatever dimensions he's endowed with if you guys are in Love, and relating to one another properly. I suspect based off what you've said on here that he's partially responsible for feeding his delusions of inadequacy. It a reproductive organ that's used to express romantic things. If he doesn't feel like it's good enough for him, or for you........ and his behavior is making you feel similarly; well... do you see the possible correlation I'm implying? It's very important to be at peace with our bodies. His indulgence is quite possibly a strategy to fight those kinds of delusions, by distracting himself in very specific ways. Perhaps he'd rather zone out on a moving picture than face certain aspects of insecurities that have interfered with intimacy time and time again? Kind of a double edged sword if he's constantly seeing a variety of other members on the internet... feeding his memory with imagery that only drills those feelings into his perception... or rather: the imagery itself is the source of what's been distorting the nature of his perception and feelings over a long period of time.

I think (well, I know..) guys hear stories of big wieners and small wieners growing up, & many become distressed by the confusion between subjective and objective aspects of the subject. It tinkers with their perception of reality. Then, they see all these different kinds of genitals on the internet and it somehow validates all the hear say throughout their lives in their heads. Like, "omg is it true? I hope not" .. then they see some circus penises on the net and from there it's just a hole they get sucked in.. This is what makes pornography in a way sort of a weapon against both genders. In my opinion (well all this is opinion anyway), he's defensive about it because of an expectancy of acceptance for the behavior, but also; he's simultaneously expressing denial (or ignorance) towards the potential harm he may be doing to his psyche and his future sex life.. in this case; with you. It's natural for ppl to deny there's a problem to evade feeling Shamed or humiliated by things. I mean goodness!! Although he wouldn't be pleased by it (and I do not recommend you tell him about it if you do this) if you check out those dirty chatroullette sites (doesn't matter which one.. not chaturbate tho) you're going to see a bunch of guys waving their things around like zombies. THAT is where addictive behaviors like the ones you're speaking of with cam models, coupled with delusions of inadequacy concerning body parts can lead to. It's shocking.

Considering where this conversation is taking place I think a therapeutic session with you, him, and MDMA might not be out of bounds to recommend. It probably won't help with the stature of his fella or anything like that (vasoconstriction).. but i think that's besides the point; which is part of why I'm suggesting it. In fact, in a situation like that it might be beneficial to show him how much you love HIM and his body, regardless.. Expose your insecurities TOGETHER. Part of what makes that compound so therapeutic can be the removal of sexual/perverted components of the psyche, and the empathetic capacity being heightened (ect.). In theory a sexual act can take place in a circumstance like that without the objective of climax in mind, but something else rather.. healing. Furthermore, such a circumstance might put him in an emotionally vulnerable position enough to understand what kind of pain the situation is/has been putting you through. I will say though that it is not necessary at all to depend on drugs.. If you guys work on it it in just the right way such a thing wouldn't be necessary. But if you are having trouble, and keep having more trouble.. consider it.

The depth of understanding holds the keys for proper relations to take place, bonds to form, and allow them to evolve.. We all have to tend to the dirt our flowers grow through. We all have dirt our flowers grow through. It's part of being human. Tend to yours together.

Try not to focus on the thoughts of other boobs and asses. He's bein a boob for not paying enough attention to yours. Does that make him a bad person?? Of course not. We all mess up and make mistakes... sometimes unfortunately the worst mistakes are the ones we feel accountable for long after damage is done. I think he's hurting himself more than he realizes.. Anyways... I hope this helps sweetie. *hugs* Take care and good luck =). you got this.



also... Somewhere else on the internet I ended up making a friend who's modeled on that site. She was embarrassed to tell me, but afterwards she was also trying to suggest I get on there, that's how I know about the thing. I did look into it, lol.. but no, not my cup of tea. Anyways, I haven't heard back from her in a long time, but weeks ago I expressed my concerns for her life after she confessed feeling suicidal. Despite how much money she was making, she realized that having a boyfriend who supported what she was doing for so long was not someone she was truly in love with; not someone who truly loved her. This realization hurt her more than anything she said. This was weeks ago. I texted her today.. I texted her a few days ago ect.; I haven't heard back from her & I have no way of reaching her. I never once saw her on there and I had no desire to either. Every day I've been just praying that she's alive and keeping her in my thoughts. My point in sharing this story is; things are not always as they seem..

 

[Asclepius]

So what you're saying is that YOU went behind HIS back and invaded his privacy and stalked his history folder??

Riiiight..... She should be very ashamed of herself for going with her gut and finding out that her mate is more interested in pleasuring himself to live-cam girls, than her.8) He isn't suplementing her here - he is neglecting her.

Wtf are you, the fucking spanish inquisition?? lol People check up on their spouses when they are made to feel uncomfortable and shut-out - its not abuse - it's just not being a gullible, brain-washed moron!

There's nothing wrong with someone having fantasies. I can understand that you are hurt or feel betrayed, but he isn't physically cheating on you. It would be absurd to say when two people are in a relationship they can only can have feelings, or sexual attraction, solely for each other. That's not natural. And it's making you seem very insecure.

He is neglecting her and her needs.
She states that. He is a selfish wanker... literaly.

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If he has more interest in on-line porn or cams, leave him. He is not interested in you and will drain what shred of self-esteem you have left.
You deserve better. Watching porn, in lieu of your presence, is one thing, but if he is replacing you with porn, its not worth your energy.

Find someone better - plenty better out there - life is too short to waste it trying to please some guy who only cares about himself imo