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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

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How are you gonna manage without methadone? I'm just curious as to your plan, or how far you have come in coming up with one if any. Do you have a hobo kit organized yet? Sleeping bag, backpacking pack, good boots, jackets, quality pants, etc.? You know we will be here to support you however we can, regardless of what you end up deciding. We're not going anywhere :)

Keep us posted buddy. I'll try and give you a call sometime this weekend to check in.
 
If given a choice go to California as it's almost winter and it gets bitter cold in Philadelphia...at least in Southern California you can sleep outside without possibly dying from hypothermia. Personally, this does not sound like a rational decision to me, but I am not you and do not know everything that is going on. I know when I was in active addiction I moved frequently and my problems always followed me...sometimes they became worse. Before you act please make sure you have a valid plan and you pack all the necessary gear you will require. I would soberly research different cities to see who has the kindest policies toward homeless and who dedicates the most resources toward them. I really think going North is a terrible idea because of the cold...it's falling into the 50's at night here in NC and I am struggling with it if I have to venture out and think you may also not be acclimated to colder temps as you're in Alabama. Please don't make this decision in haste. Like TpD said, we are here for you. Best wishes.
 
Uhh the methadone I am planning to get back on heroin. Kinda been toying with the idea anyway, I got clothes covered and a nice wilderness backpacking pack. Gonna sell me xbox one for start up money. Im also going to start prostituting myself to gays. I am coming to terms with my bi-sexuality anyway. I am thinking westcoast is best coast if I can get enough money to get out there. I just don't want to get stranded in middle American hell.
 
Prostituting yourself isn't a good idea.

Try to get realistic man. That's how people end up in jail.

Watch the movie Mysterious Skin. Ask yourself if that's the kind of life you really want.
 
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Perhaps you can spend some more time in detox to get yourself off the methadone and then start your trip then so you don't have a habit off the get go, or at least if you do pick one up your tolerance will be nice and low so you won't need a shit load of cash to get your fix on.

I have to agree that prostituting yourself would be an extremely dangerous and harmful choice. Prison would actually be the least of your concerns with that, I'd be more worried about the trauma that is inevitable in that business, both physical and psychological. It is also incredibly difficult to get out of that kind of life once you get into it. There are far better options for you to get into other than having to get into something as dangerous and illegal as that. Migrant work, for one.

But again, regardless, you have my support however I can give it to you.
 
Cj, please do not do this. Surely you know deep down within that hitting the streets isn't going to be any kind of glorified film-esque road trip. It's going to most likely end up with you being cold and depressed on the streets doing heroin, or at the best living in squalor doing heroin, wondering how you got there. If you feel depressed and anxious in a middle class setting, then please consider how you will feel when that is suddenly taken away from you.

What were you saying about making desicions on autopilot? Do you not think this may be a case of that? Your gaba system wants benzos, and so do you. You also want release from anxiety and depression... This isn't the way. Dying isn't the way. Tapering is.

By the way - I know that going through this can make family life really really shitty; the feelings of burden, the feelings that your family don't understand or care. I go through this nearly.every day. But ultimately I know that my family love me, otherwise they wouldn't bother trying to help me (even if their approach often isn't the best). The problem is not just that they don't care, its just that they don't know how to do so in the most effective manner. Same goes for the people running your countries (and mine, though seemingly to a lesser degree), seemingly shitty addiction systems.

You've got to remember that most people haven't had their minds blown wide open to the point of shattering rigid doctrine... By the ingestion of psychoactive substances. They haven't been through quite the same psychological trials and tribulations that you have, we have.

I firmly believe that a lot of psychoactive substances are here to disregard these old doctrines in place of a new one, creating a better planet for our species, and the others which share it with us.

... You say that you don't have any hobbies, yet you take a keen interest in helping others. Just because its taking place online, it doesn't make it any less valid. You've been taking part in an incredibly noble cause, that of helping others. You say that you want to dedicate your life to this. So isn't that your calling? And wouldn't you have to go through what you're going through now, so that you could actually help others, without otherwise making the same mistakes which have seemingly failed you? To help make this world a more beautiful place, and help others, like you, us, I, to see that?
 
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Tranced said:
Cj, please do not do this. Surely you know deep down within that hitting the streets isn't going to be any kind of glorified film-esque road trip. It's going to most likely end up with you being cold and depressed on the streets doing heroin, or at the best living in squalor doing heroin, wondering how you got there. If you feel depressed and anxious in a middle class setting, then please consider how you will feel when that is suddenly taken away from you.

What were you saying about making desicions on autopilot? Do you not think this may be a case of that? Your gaba system wants benzos, and so do you. You also want release from anxiety and depression... This isn't the way. Dying isn't the way. Tapering is.

By the way - I know that going through this can make family life really really shitty; the feelings of burden, the feelings that your family don't understand or care. I go through this nearly.every day. But ultimately I know that my family love me, otherwise they wouldn't bother trying to help me (even if their approach often isn't the best). The problem is not just that they don't care, its just that they don't know how to do so in the most effective manner. Same goes for the people running your countries (and mine, though seemingly to a lesser degree), seemingly shitty addiction systems.

You've got to remember that most people haven't had their minds blown wide open to the point of shattering rigid doctrine... By the ingestion of psychoactive substances. They haven't been through quite the same psychological trials and tribulations that you have, we have.

I firmly believe that a lot of psychoactive substances are here to disregard these old doctrines in place of a new one, creating a better planet for our species, and the others which share it with us.

... You say that you don't have any hobbies, yet you take a keen interest in helping others. Just because its taking place online, it doesn't make it any less valid. You've been taking part in an incredibly noble cause, that of helping others. You say that you want to dedicate your life to this. So isn't that your calling? And wouldn't you have to go through what you're going through now, so that you could actually help others, without otherwise making the same mistakes which have seemingly failed you? To help make this world a more beautiful place, and help others, like you, us, I, to see that?
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That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you I really needed to read that today.

I don't know if I am loosing my sanity to the withdrawal or if I am just insane when I am mostly sober. Its fucked because this is the most sober I have been in years yet I am still suffering. I mean I have had some miserable times in my life but this is by far the most defeated I have ever felt. Like what the fuck.....
 
I am willing to wager it is just the withdrawal process. You are a wicked intelligent person cj, don't you dare ever let anyone - including yourself - make you believe otherwise. Never forget that there are many different flavors and types of intelligence. It is just a matter of you getting healthy enough so you can discover and gain some confidence in your own gifts. I have no doubt they are there, just under the surface, just waiting for us all to enjoy once you begin realizing your potential. You are stronger than you know my friend. Keep your head up :)



<3
 
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cj said:
That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you I really needed to read that today.

I don't know if I am loosing my sanity to the withdrawal or if I am just insane when I am mostly sober. Its fucked because this is the most sober I have been in years yet I am still suffering. I mean I have had some miserable times in my life but this is by far the most defeated I have ever felt. Like what the fuck.....
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cj - yes, your are temporarily losing your sanity to withdrawal. You see this, you acknowledge this, please take a moment to stop and fully consider those words. A lot of what you are feeling is coming from your attempt at a rapid benzo detox. I lived that insanity for two years - you won't have to endure it for nearly that long - probably a couple of months tops, and you already have a few weeks. Please do not make any major life decisions right now, you are not fully capable.

I've held off of specifically commenting on the prostitution aspect of your plan because that is outside of my realm of experience, but mentally I have been obsessing with the idea. I know you have done it in the past, but you stopped. I know it was not something you were proud of, and I think you should granularly consider that lifestyle. I think you need to really think about the immediate pros and cons, and think about how it will affect you as you get older. Aside from it being very dangerous from disease amdnalso violence, it is destroying your ability to have a healthy intimate connection with another human being. The longer you prostitute, the more distorted your perceptions will become regarding relationships and sex. It is going to distort your perceptions of your self worth and value, and it may dehumanized you.

If you were sober I wouldn't be nearly as against you living on the streets as it can be a positive learning experience. But your not sober, what happens if you pass out or OD, people can do anything to you. You deserve so much better than this. You need safety and stability. People are cruel and they will rob whatever dignity someone has if given a chance, look st all the horrible mocking photos of homeless addicts online...people are shit - instead of helping they take pictures of somebody at their most desperate so they can then publically ridicule them. They get robbed, raped, or beat up for simply existing and being incapacitated.

What are you really escaping? A few months ago you were doing great, what's really going on? You're never going to outrun an addiction, nor is leaving going to reduce or eliminate problems. You're spiraling and unless you get a handle on it soon you are going to end up either in jail, an institution, or dead. What's your biggest issue right now - if you could change one thing what would you change?
 
The honest answer is I am not exactly sure why I am spiraling. I know the benzo withdrawal is playing a role. Before that I started getting treatment for sexual abuse. That's really when the major problem started I think. Its hard to remember though I was taking more benzos then I realized at the time. Umm fuck I dunno. I just feel dumber than usual. Maybe the Seroquel I have been eating. I read back on my blog posts to January 2015 and life has been way more chaotic then I remember it being. I actually had my worst run with heroin in the summer of 2015 which surprises me now because I think back on that as a happy time. I was working and had a few friendships. Then I got on methadone and things really fell into place for a few months. Things started going wrong sometime over the summer. I don't exactly remember but I woke up one day addicted to benzos and was shooting lots of coke with even a little a fent analouge thrown in. That's around the time I realized I was fucked again. Its been a race to the bottom since then honestly.

I don't know if any of that really matters but it feels important. Or rather I feel like I should feel its importance you know? Anyway I want to be self sufficient. Even if that means doing some dirt. Maybe the middle class fantasy of food in the fridge and cable tv isn't my thing? Like to be blunt I think I want to see how far down the rabbit hole of misery goes? I feel like my mom is holding me back from that. I am a fraud. That's why I dream of San Francisco or Seattle. I am not naïve to the realities of what I seek in the book sense of the term. But I am seasoned enough to know that I am naïve to all experiences until they are lived but I get the feeling that I would rather drown in the misery then be held afloat through someone else's work. I could be wrong but I feel like jumping is always better then being pushed in the social sense. I guess.

To tell you the truth I don't really think I am playing with a full deck anymore. I never honestly believed that I was mentally ill until recently. The obviousness of that situation has been brought upon me rather forcefully by rereading some of the shit I write and the gash marks on my arm. If I had a gun this shit would have already been a wrap but I don't and some tether of self preservation keeps me from doing some other ignorant shit. Well honestly I just don't much feel like dying from serotonin syndrome or whatever eating a few bottles of untouched SSRIs will do. I certainly understand why 27 is such a popular age to die at. Cant blame this shit on youth cant blame my parents cant blame my fucked up childhood. Its all on me. This is who I am and the sooner I come to accept that the better off my sanity will be I think. The heart of the matter is that I want to be invisible. Most people live there lives wanting the opposite I just want to be left alone to drown in overpriced drugs.

Good fucking god I just reread this thread and I am really all over the place. Like day to day. You people are saints for putting up with that shit. I really don't know what to do though. I just don't know. It sucks that I have become the poster that used to frustrate the shit out of me when I was a mod. So much good advice in this thread and I am just paralyzed to implement any of it. I don't know.
 
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I don't think that food in the fridge makes you a fraud, it makes you a recipient of fortunate privilege. If you don't have food in the fridge it simply makes you hungry, nothing less, nothing more.

What you're going through doesn't sound like any kind of delusional insanity to me. It sounds like somebody experiencing rock bottom and dealing with intense feelings of guilt... likely deeply rooted in their childhood. Combined with acute benzo withdrawals. There's a reason people say they're way worse than heroin withdrawals (which are universally considered pretty shitty).

Just to clarify BTW, there is really no reason to 'blame' anyone, especially you. Blame is judgement. It doesn't help, and it doesn't solve anything. The universe unfolds and stuff happens. Some of it is bad, some of it is good, sometimes it's subjective. Just try and take your life towards the good stuff.

If you're wondering what to do... Then how's about a taper. You're going cold turkey, this is what happens. That way you get your fix, your brain does, you don't feel like you're completely losing your mind, and you will probably come out of this fine. :)

I read in a post you made that you developed a benzo addiction in late August. August is fairly recent really. Effectively you've been addicted a matter of weeks/months. I've had little binges which lasted longer than that, and the only withdrawals I experienced were a few days of relatively mild anxiety, because I knew how to taper. You can do that too. :)
 
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I don't find you frustrating at all cj. It breaks my heart to see you struggling so, but I've got a pretty big, strong and resilient heart after the shit I've put it through with my own fuck ups, so you don't have to worry about that.

It means a lot to me that you are willing to be open about your struggles. It is a really, really good sign that you have people you can honestly speak to about what you're struggling with.

I wouldn't want to have that resource taken away from you for anything, so I feel pretty safe saying that we aren't going anywhere.
 
Thanks...... My methadone counselor is a saint. She actually gave me five dollars of her personal money and a little food when I couldn't afford my dose today. I still had to do some morally questionable things for the other 6 dollars but she really helped me today. I will probably have to skip my dose tomorrow but hopefully I can sell my xbox by midweek for some breathing room. There is no help in Alabama outside medicade for people on methadone. The local treatment centers and meetings treat you like a threat to there business model and medicade is pretty much impossible without kids or HIV. My counselor joked that if only I had hiv she could help. Funny shit is she wasn't joking..... Ive paid 7 grand cash to this clinic over the last year and a half but you will not spot me a single fucking dollar to dose today? My counselor literally took 5 out of her purse. I am thankful but there is no way she should have to make that choice. Why is there no money where the rubber meets the road in treatment? They wouldn't let animals be treated so inhumanly. Alabama is a black hole of hell stay as far away from here as you can.

What did the government do with the blood money from Purdue Pharma for the oxy settlement? Methadone is a noble idea but the way its implemented is perverse. Pay up or die is the mantra of American healthcare. Its beyond fucked up that we call ourselves civilized
 
That settlement was relatively tiny, literally a drop in the bucket of the real damage they did. Hardly a slap on the wrists honestly.

Are your folks not helping you out anymore? That is fucked up man, I'm sorry to hear that.
 
cj said:
The honest answer is I am not exactly sure why I am spiraling. I know the benzo withdrawal is playing a role. Before that I started getting treatment for sexual abuse. That's really when the major problem started I think. Its hard to remember though I was taking more benzos then I realized at the time. Umm fuck I dunno. I just feel dumber than usual. Maybe the Seroquel I have been eating. I read back on my blog posts to January 2015 and life has been way more chaotic then I remember it being. I actually had my worst run with heroin in the summer of 2015 which surprises me now because I think back on that as a happy time. I was working and had a few friendships. Then I got on methadone and things really fell into place for a few months. Things started going wrong sometime over the summer. I don't exactly remember but I woke up one day addicted to benzos and was shooting lots of coke with even a little a fent analouge thrown in. That's around the time I realized I was fucked again. Its been a race to the bottom since then honestly.

I don't know if any of that really matters but it feels important. Or rather I feel like I should feel its importance you know? Anyway I want to be self sufficient. Even if that means doing some dirt. Maybe the middle class fantasy of food in the fridge and cable tv isn't my thing? Like to be blunt I think I want to see how far down the rabbit hole of misery goes? I feel like my mom is holding me back from that. I am a fraud. That's why I dream of San Francisco or Seattle. I am not naïve to the realities of what I seek in the book sense of the term. But I am seasoned enough to know that I am naïve to all experiences until they are lived but I get the feeling that I would rather drown in the misery then be held afloat through someone else's work. I could be wrong but I feel like jumping is always better then being pushed in the social sense. I guess.

To tell you the truth I don't really think I am playing with a full deck anymore. I never honestly believed that I was mentally ill until recently. The obviousness of that situation has been brought upon me rather forcefully by rereading some of the shit I write and the gash marks on my arm. If I had a gun this shit would have already been a wrap but I don't and some tether of self preservation keeps me from doing some other ignorant shit. Well honestly I just don't much feel like dying from serotonin syndrome or whatever eating a few bottles of untouched SSRIs will do. I certainly understand why 27 is such a popular age to die at. Cant blame this shit on youth cant blame my parents cant blame my fucked up childhood. Its all on me. This is who I am and the sooner I come to accept that the better off my sanity will be I think. The heart of the matter is that I want to be invisible. Most people live there lives wanting the opposite I just want to be left alone to drown in overpriced drugs.

Good fucking god I just reread this thread and I am really all over the place. Like day to day. You people are saints for putting up with that shit. I really don't know what to do though. I just don't know. It sucks that I have become the poster that used to frustrate the shit out of me when I was a mod. So much good advice in this thread and I am just paralyzed to implement any of it. I don't know.
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Thank you for taking the time to share all that info - that is the missing piece and that makes your sudden spiral so much more understandable. Working on ourselves and addressing the reason that motivate us to use are the hardest most painful aspect of addiction imo. It hurts, its prolonged and the best you can hopeful is acceptance - the original triggers or experience doesn't change, just your point of view. It's a tough. I will say once you get to the other side it's very liberating, but you have to get there to experience that liberation and it takes a long damn time.

I have so much more hope for you. Essentially, you are taking a treatment break. I wouldn't say you are going backwards unless you encounter new trauma - which your current plan of homelessness and prostitution may very well entail. I think you are better prepared for recovery than ever before as you can have a plan in place for how you are going to handle the stress from recoverying from the sexual abuse.

Regarding your sanity, I think you are perfectly sane, benzo withdrawal places you in a temporary state of semi-insanity but you recognize that. It makes you question everything you thought you knew about yourself and life but fortunately it goes away. I swear I was certifiable when I was going through benzo withdrawal and PAWS and being on the other side of it I feel like I am learning everything a new for the first time. My case was so bad I actually had to relearn messages from my body such as hunger and sleepiness. I had to relearn how to comprehend the written words - inrecognized words when I saw them but I had such difficulty understanding was they said. It's a matter of levels and kind of like a state of psychosis mixed with extreme dumbness, and I promise you it will get better. Please do not throw the towel in just yet and move as I think it's just going to prolong the agony and desperation. I think you need a break and an oppprtunity to stabilize and get resignation and come up with a new plan for sobriety (feel free to hit us up, we can help you). I also think you are way too hard on yourself, and you can have and deserve that middle class fantasy. Life changes. In 2010 I thought I would be dead in a few years, and I thought I would be homeless. I had never been married and never had a "normal" life. In 2012 I met the love of my life who acception my addiction and has the highest level of patience and tolerance I have ever seen in a person. I got a great job that afforded me a new house on the golf course st the beach. I never in a million years saw any of that coming. I didn't think I would be alive. Please don't write yourself off, you don't know what the future brings. Please don't put a gun to your head - those feeling will dissipate. It really is a result of the benzos and psyche Med changes.
 
Its alright I guess. I haven't slept in 48 hours so that's always fun but I don't feel too horrible. I had one of the low points of my life yesterday. My methadone counselor actually gave me money out of her purse so I could dose because I blew 120 dollars my mom gave for the clinic shooting terrible coke Friday night. I started out only wanting to spend 30 dollars but that didn't go as planned. So I pawned my xbox one for the money to dose and put gas in my car over the weekend. I only got 60 bucks for it thinking I might have a chance of getting it back but I fucked myself on that too because now im out of money and my moms in Colorado till Thursday at the earliest. I guess I am going to call and beg her to western union me money or something for the clinic. I suck at panhandling apparently.

Too top it off my dogs dying of cancer. Isnt that some stereotypical shit right there?

Its 6:22 am here in the CTZ. On the bright side I laughed so hard at always sunny in Philadelphia my sides started to hurt. It was like this youtube compilation of the gang fucking with Ricketty Crickett the priest character they tormented from high school. That show is really great. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard man.

I need to be calling my insurance company to argue over the 35 grand hospital bill there refusing to pay but I don't even know where to start. I pay 250 dollars a month for health insurance that is literally useless. Im already over 60 Gs in medical debt with a fico score that's probably negative. Can it even go negative? 8( Not that I really care tbh but it just adds to the mental list of things I am neglecting in my life.

I swear if I survive this and end up ever being functional again I am going to write a sitcom based around a methadone clinic. A mix between the office and something really outlandish. I have the idea. I am always hearing the craziest shit in line waiting to dose or walking by the counselors offices. Its like white trash meets heroin. It amazes me the highly intelligent people I talk to on here and reddit who use heroin then compare it to what I find in the "wild". No wonder people die so often.

Ok positive thought here. I have passed 3 drug tests in a row somehow so I could technically be trusted with 1 take home in 2 months. Like whoa right!
 
LOL yeah I don't miss the clinic environment either brother, but we do what we gotta do ;)
 
toothpastedog said:
That settlement was relatively tiny, literally a drop in the bucket of the real damage they did. Hardly a slap on the wrists honestly.

Are your folks not helping you out anymore? That is fucked up man, I'm sorry to hear that.
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Nah my folks are solid I just dug myself a bit of a hole I am trying to climb out of from making piss poor decisions. On the other hand I was kinda set up too fail. Handing someone struggling with a drug addiction 120 dollars cash and telling them to make the decision is a recipe for failure if I ever heard one.
 
I've come to this thread late, which I'm sorry about because, man, cj, this is rough. All I can add is a bit of reflection about the feeling of having really gone around the bend mentally. About three months ago, my long-term depression cratered; I got psychotic--hearing voices, mean voices. I tried to kill myself twice in a week, I was so freaked out...felt like there was no path back to sanity.

Now, all this is still a work in progress. But at the time I got lucky. A friend barged his way into my house (which I'd holed up in). He convinced me that I wasn't myself and that I was making bad decisions. That led to me recuperating in the psych ward.

This is all to say, if there are people whom you trust (on SL or wherever), when we're feeling lost from ourselves is a great time to lean on their advice. I know a lot of folks on BL care what happens to you. One of them is me. Maybe try to let yourself outsource some of the decision-making?

All this is just a suggestion. I'm rooting for you regardless of were you go next.
 
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