• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: axe battler | xtcgrrrl | arrall

being drugged to tolerate BDSM

A

akanae

Greenlighter
Joined
May 4, 2015
Messages
13
I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years with what I would consider the best man i've net for me except.........He thrives on BDSM. 90% of out relation ship is awesome. All the usually stuff that couples have in common and enjoying doing together, except for this one really big thing, SEX!!! In the beginning, I enjoyed it. It was new stuff I hadn't tried before. Being tied up and letting him have his way with me. Then it escalated to whips and chains and ball gags and all sorts of other shit that not only do I not like, enjoy for feel anywhere close to feeling comfortable with. As a matter a fact, it sends me reeling in fear. I was raised to always please your man, "If you don't take care of him, someone else will." I turned myself inside out trying to make myself tolerate this, for lack of a better word, "Abuse"! It has gotten to the point that i can't even enjoy bedroom sex because i'm always afraid of what it will turn into.

I am perscribed xanax and valium for two different reasons and I never take them anywhere close to each other. Back in my drug days, I like things that made me go fast, not slow down so Im not real comfortable with the downers. He obtained versed some time back for me to try for my problem. He talked me into trying it one day to see if it would help. I ended up taking 5 to get to a state of tolerance to do his bidding It helped alright, but the next day, I felt like shit the whole dy. It left me with a horrible hang over and I didn't remember most of what happened. I've tried taking one or two of my xanax and my valium and that's not enough to calm my head to stay calm. Each and every time we go through this I come out of it feeling raped. Last night I took a xanax and a valium together. It seemed to do the trick but I felt like I had been doing shot of tequila for the lost 5 hours, (minus the throwing up afterwards) Today, I'm sleepy and tired, and generally feel like crap.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can take? I might ad that i suffer from PTSD so this stuff triggers a lot of that.

Hope someone in here can help
 
You shouldn't be taking anything to have sex except birth control
There is no sense at all in continuing this. None of what you're describing is healthy. If you can't come to a better arrangement with him then leave because trying to dull the way you feel being gagged and whipped with drugs is not the way to go about it. In all aspects of your life, you need to fix problems you can instead of dulling unnecessary pain with drugs.
The fact you have PTSD and feel like you've been raped afterwards should be enough to show you how twisted your thinking is. You are not the problem. Stop putting yourself in that situation immediately. I hope you're able to sort this out quicksmart.
 
Abject said:
You shouldn't be taking anything to have sex except birth control
There is no sense at all in continuing this. None of what you're describing is healthy.
Click to expand...

This.
What you described, akanae, doesn't sound to me like a healthy relationship at all. It's absolutely unacceptable for you to feel raped after having sex with your partner. If you're so uncomfortable with what he's doing, then stop allowing it. Simple as that. Please don't put yourself through experiences that traumatise you so much when you do have the ability not to.
Have you ever told him about how difficult it is for you? If so, how did he react?
 
I agree with abject. Sounds absolutely horrible. Please stop this, trauma is not something to mess around with.
 
Unless you enjoy BDSM you should not be doing it. It sounds as if your partner doesn't accept this.
Personally I couldn't imagine anything worse than being high and having to do things I don't like to do.
I hope you can find a solution to your problems, but perhaps you should be looking for a different man.
 
In all honesty, I don't know what a healthy relationship looks or feels like. I wasn't in a healthy family and I've had the ability to attract every asswhole within a 500 mile radius of me. LOL Since I grew up with abuse, part of me accepts it as normal, even though my core makes me want to run for the hills. I have to say that this relationship is great on the surface but behind closed doors, it's hell. I'm 50 years old this year. I've not worked in 3 years due to several back issues....3 back surgeries and staring down the barrel of a 4th. The state doesn't think that I'm disabled so without his support and no income of my own, I'm kinda stuck making the best of it. I've tried turning myself inside out to deal with this and make him happy. I resorted to drugs to help me deal with the trauma. When he gave me Versed, it was nice because I didn't remember what happened. The bad thing was, I was mad enough to kill him for putting me He continues to push the Versed on me but I refuse. Last night I took a .5 xanax and a Valium, (I don't know the strength) I woke up with a hang over but at least I wasn't crawling in a closet like a 5 year old in fear for their life, like I have done before.

Today, I found a shelter that I can go to that will accept pets. This is a game changer. I have a hearing on my disability in 2 weeks. Once that is accepted, (pray for me) then I will have the means to survive, Since I now have somewhere to go and feel safe, I can go there and wait out the days till I can be a whole woman again.

Thank you for your response and the validation that I'm not being a selfish bitch.

o
 
Pagey,

I have told him every word of how I feel. I've cried while it's happening and I've begged and pleaded not to do it. Nothing I say matters. I have to say that things have been toned down to chains, and no control of what he does to my body. I'm able to go to my dark space where nothing exists. I don't feel my body and I don't feel the physical pain. Today, I noticed 5 marks on my breast that weren't there yesterday. I remember crying out, but I don't remember why. This is the worst unimaginable hell.

I've been to a total of 3 shrinks. He keeps sending me to them so they can "Fix" me. I'm the one with unresolved issues. I'm the one with the sexual hangups. I'm the bad girlfriend. I'm at the cross road. Do I stay in this very comfortable life style where I don't have to worry about any finances or do I leave and have to decide if I'm going to eat or have electricity that month. I've been financial broke before. I've always been able to work myself out of it. Now that not an option, I'm scared out of my wits that I will end up homeless.

He told me a long time ago that he wanted me to wear his very big nice diamond ring so everyone will know I'm taken but he also said that he will never remarry. Now I know why. I have absolutely nothing!!!!!

I probably sound very doom and gloomish. Really I'm not. I'm not depressed, I'm pissed off. I getting some great work done in this huge ass house that I never wanted. It's beautiful and I literally have my blood, sweat and tears in this house. He is a contractor so he designed and built it. It was all hands on deck and I did what I could. I'm pissed that I have to leave all that I have worked for and just walk away without a dime in my pocket.

OK, now I'm just venting.

To answer your question: I have told him every emotion I've ever had. How every cell in my body aches to run away. His response is that what I'm feeling is silly and I just need to get over it and just do what he says, when he says to and how he says to with no resistance from me.
 
Abject said:
You shouldn't be taking anything to have sex except birth control
There is no sense at all in continuing this. None of what you're describing is healthy. If you can't come to a better arrangement with him then leave because trying to dull the way you feel being gagged and whipped with drugs is not the way to go about it. In all aspects of your life, you need to fix problems you can instead of dulling unnecessary pain with drugs.
The fact you have PTSD and feel like you've been raped afterwards should be enough to show you how twisted your thinking is. You are not the problem. Stop putting yourself in that situation immediately. I hope you're able to sort this out quicksmart.
Click to expand...

^^^
This.

Get out of the relationship before it's too late. At least talk to him and tell him how you're not into BDSM or rough sex, or having sex while on drugs. But stay safe.
 
Thank you again for your words of encouragement.

I have talked to him many many times how this act makes me feel. This is why he suggested taking drugs to slow down the anxiety. The last time I did it drug free, I was literally suicidal. I felt that if this is the way I have to live, I'd rather die. His remedy was drugs. He was right, It really does help. With the help of the drugs, I was almost able to completely leave my body. When the pain got so great on my breast, it snapped me back to reality and all i could do was scream. When I stopped screaming, all I could do was cry, but that didn't stop him. I have to wonder if part of his excitement is seeing me in so much mental and emotional anguish as well as the physical pain.

I am starting to sell everything I can on eBay. I'm having a garage sale in 3 weeks. I rent a small space in a gift, craft and antique mall. My sales do well on the jewelry I sell but not near enough to live on. He even sold my car 3 years ago. I will have to buy a car and make enough to sustain me. My goal is $5,000 and he can kiss the dust I leave behind. Until then, I will have to endure and survive.

I had originally started this thread hoping there were others out there like me that lived in a similar situation. I figured that I couldn't be the only person who has taken drugs to get through a bad situation. Looks like I was wrong. I really don't want to leave my home and my life. I want the madness to stop and for us to be a happy normal couple who is at least willing to compromise on disagreements.
 
There are many people who enjoy BDSM in a healthy relationship. Abuse, is abuse thou. You told him your issues, he ignored and didn't care what they are. So leave as soon as you can.
 
Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear just how bad it is. You need to get out of this now. Are there any friends or family you can stay with while you save up enough money to move on your own?
You should not have to be putting up with this another second.
 
This doesn't sound good.. you're risking a lot psychologically if you are forcing yourself into situations that make yourself feel raped... I can relate to a degree since I endured much abuse for the sake of a bdsm relationship.. a lot had to do with my partner simply being abusive but I feel like a lot of the same principle applies.
 
Its not bdsm it's abuse. It sounds totally fucked. He doesnt respect you leave as soon as you can.
 
I got all excited when I read the thread title because using drugs this way is a hobby of mine and I was all set to give you a laundry list of advice. But after reading your post. I cannot in good conscience advise you on this.

What you describe simply is not bdsm. It's manipulation, abuse and TOXIC. Drugging yourself to escape a bad circumstance is the absolute worst reason to use drugs. It leads to an inescapable cycle of chemical dependance. As you ignore your problems because you are high, they get worse, causing the need to be drugged to be worse and on and on. Sounds like you got the right idea with the shelter. Good luck.


ETA:

NEVER mix alcohol and benzo's. Even mixing two different benzo's is sketchy. But alcohol on top? That's super dangerous.
 
Last edited:
This is straight up physical and psychological abuse. This is illegal, very. I hate to say it but if you really see no other way out, you may have to involve authorities. Your physical and mental safety is most important! This man does not love you! He is doing very dangerous things to you, and on top of that, telling you to take dangerous combinations and dosages of drugs to tolerate the already dangerous things he's doing to you....all for his sick pleasure!!! He's clearly getting off on your anguish!! This is infuriating!!!!! :X
 
I really don't have any place to go yet. I don't want to go into the details of my life but let me say, I've done this so many times. I attract the abusers. It's what I know I guess. I really thought he was a good guy for a long time. Yea, he was a little controlling but I had no idea the entire relationship would turn into a dominate/submissive relationship. He told me about 3 month into the relationship that he liked BDSM. I told him that I was willing to try anything. Once I tried it and had a terrible reaction to it, he insisted I would get used to it. I'm sure you can imagine the rest.

Fast forward to today. He never has said, put out or get out, but he says everything but those words. If I don't do what he wants, he makes my life a living hell.

I've read articles and forums on BDSM, I've gone to counseling to try to accept this type of life. Nothing has worked and all the shrinks say the same thing.....get out!!! I've wanted to try to make it work. The only way I have found to tolerate the "sessions" are to take drugs. He originally suggested it. I refused and he laid a guilt trip on me. I took my prescribed xanax and it wasn't enough. I had to take 3 to get through it. Then I would be miserable the entire next day while that evil medication left my blood stream. Then he got Versed. I was very hesitant but he convinced me it was safe and wouldn't give me a hang over. HA!! What a lie that was. It took me two days to get rid of that hangover and I refused to ever participate in his activities ever again. That was 6 months ago. Since that time, life has not be pleasant.

I have many health problems mainly with my back. I have Osteoarthritis and degenerative disc disease. I also have a rare form of meningitis that is reoccurring.(I have 20mg butrans patches. I was on 10mg oxi for break through pain, but I pissed off my doctor and he cut me off that one. I now rely on friends to help me out until i find another doctor to help me with that.)

So, the moral to my story is, I'm too old and too run down to try to start over again from scratch. That is what prompted my original question. "What can I take and how safe is it?"

He is still pushing the Versed. I'm not comfortable with that stuff. A few days ago, when I was made to perform, I took a 5.0mg Oxycodone, a 0.5mg Xanax and a 5.0mg Diazepam, on top of my 20mg Butrans patch. I have to say that since I don't remember what he does and I really don't feel anything, I'm not overly emotional.

So, if anyone is still reading this novel, I'm getting out as soon as I can!!! I just need to hang in there for a little bit longer, worst case, 3 months. I would appreciate any information on what is best to use. I think if I could get my hands on a roofie or roofy, how ever you spell it, I would give it a try. Anything to numb the pain. And get me through the next few months.

I also want to tell everyone how grateful I am for the support and encouragement to leave him. I've been so confused since he is good in other aspects of our lives. you all are right, It's not worth it.
 
Last edited:
Quick question guys......
I am new to blogs, forums and threads. I just read about SWIM. Should I be concerned about my honesty on this thread? I suffer from chronic pain due to several back injuries/surgeries. Doc already cut me off of my pain med for break through pain. If I lose my patch, I will be in deep shit.

Should I delete or edit?
 
akanae said:
Quick question guys......
I am new to blogs, forums and threads. I just read about SWIM. Should I be concerned about my honesty on this thread? I suffer from chronic pain due to several back injuries/surgeries. Doc already cut me off of my pain med for break through pain. If I lose my patch, I will be in deep shit.

Should I delete or edit?
Click to expand...
No, swim is not allowed here, your format is fine.
 
RUN ! and don't look back! he is addicted and nothing u do will please him .he will always need something more. i do have some experience in this area.
 
Last edited:
Its okay to let it out Akanae. I understand - and you are hearing everyone say GET OUT.... and you plan to do so in a few months or weeks. GOOD FOR YOU!

I would like to say, you are not in a D/s relationship. It is abuse, nothing more. Does he know you are able to get disability and getting it soon?

There is nothing done to my wife, she doesn't like. Various things are tried, questions asked before / during / after... She has some injuries - so she cannot be put into positions that cause unwanted pain. Also, no drugs are used.

Please **DO NOT** ever let another person take your car away, or move in with him. Also, spend time being just you. Control freaks usually tend to stand out, the smarter ones will hide it - which means, leave them right that moment.

I'll tell you about a "controlling" situation I had with my wife recently. A friend brought her home on a motorcycle. I was upset, she knew it. Why? Because I don't want her injured or killed from being on a motorcycle on pavement with cars, etc.

Use your past experiences to not be taken advantage of again. Yeah, those bad-boys are "fun"... up to a point.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top