August: getting/staying sober thread vs. seasons end

[stardust.hero]

I'm just checking in I guess. It's my first day sober. Being in shape is going to be what will keep me off anything. Having a positive body image and feeling good is all I need at this point in my life as far as addiction problems go I'm pretty sure

Keep it up. Exercise showers food goodness .

Good for you you were on etolizam weren't you? What a terrible way to live having to do a substance every couple hours to feel normal

Don't you know it 8(

 

[xburtonchic]

Heading into day 4 for me, but I'm still on Suboxone. I have a tiny, tiny square that I'll be taking tomorrow and then I'm doneee :D

I hate it though cuz money is a huge trigger for me. I have money coming in at midnight and I've already entertained the thought a few times, not gonna lie. It's scaring me a little because deep down I really don't want to do it anymore. I'm going to need so much willpower tomorrow... I think I'm gonna do some stuff tonight to prepare, like meditate and work on my music and idk what else. Maybe I'll withdraw the money I'm getting and give it to someone I can trust, who will only give me what I need when I need it and will make sure I'm spending it on what I'm saying I'm spending it on. It doesn't make it easier that a certain someone keeps bugging me to buy stuff off him, even though I keep telling him I'm clean...

On the bright side, this is longer than I've had in over a year... and this past year has been full of plenty of attempts to quit that always seemed to fizzle out the morning of day 3 or so. Progress is good

 

[Papaverium]

26 days off opiates, almost at the 30 mark!
for some reason I seem more depressed the longer I've been off them, as where I expected the majority of the depression to be during the first week. When the hell am I gonna happy again?? ugh

 

[phactor]

14 weeks and 4 days for me. I have a relative that is about to die from alcoholism. Drank himself to death, not pretty. My relationship with him is complicated (he basically is not a good person) however, my cousin is going to suffer from it. This is some serious shit people and I cannot afford to take my addiction lightly.

 

[BlueSaffron]

I'm sorry to hear about your relative, phactor. Acoholism sucks. My biological father was an alcoholic, I remember him driving me to piano lessons with a beer in his hand. He died of cancer, but I think the years of alcohol took a toll on his body. It really is one of the worst things to be addicted to.

14 weeks is amazing I'm looking forward to being able to say I have that.

 

[Zerix]

Another day, another day... tomorrow marks my official 9th week. Still struggling with this mental fatigue a little bit but reminding myself more and more that I have not deserved a rest yet, gotta keep it moving, one task at a time, one day at a time.

And hey it's the 18th, this month went by pretty darn quick! And I have 5 more outpatient classes left

 

[phactor]

I'm sorry to hear about your relative, phactor. Acoholism sucks. My biological father was an alcoholic, I remember him driving me to piano lessons with a beer in his hand. He died of cancer, but I think the years of alcohol took a toll on his body. It really is one of the worst things to be addicted to.

14 weeks is amazing I'm looking forward to being able to say I have that.

Yeah... Alcohol was by far his largest addiction, but he was also addicted to opiates for over a decade. Supposedly, he stopped taking the opiates, however, his drinking escalated. He has some pretty serious brain damage at this point, so I am not sure what more can be done. He doesn't want to stop drinking at all. He has suffered an unbelievable amount of DUIs. Like I said, I don't have much to do with him. Apparently, his mother (not my grandmother) and his wife (who married him very recently...) have been allowing him to drink "Mikes Hard Lemonade" for years under the belief that it wasn't really drinking. I am sure he was also sneak drinking as well. His blood alcohol percentage was insane when he was admitted to the hospital (like at the amount I would be pretty intoxicated myself, which is saying something). Yet, my father and my other uncle are being blamed for all of the problems. He has some very sick enablers in his life.

Its sad, but I do not even know if he could really recovery if he wants too. His mental capacity is so diminished and his impulse control poor. Apparently, his wife left him for 10 minutes to take a shower and he took her car and was gone for about 10-15 minutes. He refused to say where he went when he got home. They keep saying "well, we don't know if he went to the liquor store"... That is some insane denial.

Anyways, it is what it is. I cannot control the situation. All I can do is be there for my cousin and use her as more motivation to stay clean.

 

[phactor]

And I just found out today an old friend and also old drug connect killed himself via intentional OD. Really sad shit and he had kids. For a few days I had some of the old "poor me, I cannot use anymore. Boo Hoo"... but those are gone now. When I use, I am playing with my life. For real.

 

[ThatGuyFromMN]

Great job on staying strong. I can't wait to get to 14 weeks. Tomorrow has to be day 1 though. Congrats! And I'm very sorry about your friend.

 

[Zerix]

And I just found out today an old friend and also old drug connect killed himself via intentional OD. Really sad shit and he had kids. For a few days I had some of the old "poor me, I cannot use anymore. Boo Hoo"... but those are gone now. When I use, I am playing with my life. For real.

Ugh.. that's saddening.. wow. It truly does click in my head everytime I hear something like this, you are RIGHT, we are playing with life, not just fire. I think back to when I started passing out after smoking some H, and I thought nothing of it at the time, it was simply strong, I really did fall asleep! And I only mixed it with weed anyway... but you know what, that could have been a possible OD without me knowing, and it makes me tremble to think of that moment.


And another day is over with, sweet!

 

[BlueSaffron]

I think the same way now - I've kind of turned into a pussy when it comes to drugs. I don't plan to use for a lot of reasons, but even if I put some of those reasons aside and try to consider it, this little voice says "but what if it's bad shit? What if you OD or something bad happens?" lol... I have done TONS of drugs in my life. Shot lots of dope... and I never thought like that. But it's a good thing though I think. For me it just means there's too many other things I want to do in my life, its not worth risking dying and not being able to do them just to get high.

 

[neversickanymore]

I rolling along well.. I had a whole bunch of unexpected hassles come up. They frustrated me a bit, then I examined how I was choosing ot percieve them, realized I was making myself miserable. decided to deal with right away and not let them frustrate, worry, scare, depress me. I worked through them pretty easily, much easier than I though it was going to be. In doing so I relived my self of allot of inner stress. In the past I would probably have become angry, frustrated, anxious, about what came up. I would have procrastinated in dealing with the shit. This would have caused even more stress and as this is life more shit would have popped up like it always does and then I would be facing an even bigger struggle. Eventually the struggle and stress would have gotten really uncomfortable and I would find myself desiring relief in the form of some damn substance. This of course would not help things and is partly to blame for the way I ended up in this fucking whole to begin with.


I also have very little natural patience, so this is an area Im working on. But I really want this one thing to happen and I really belive it will, but waiting for it to happen is driving me nuts, or rather im driving myself nuts. So I just need to relax, if its going to happen then it will happen, worrying about it does me no good and makes me uncomfortable. So I just need to keep plugging along and taking care of all the stuff I need to take care of so if and when the door opens I'm ready to walk right through it.

The end of this month also signifies sorta a milestone for my recovery and thinking about it makes me smile.

Hope you are all doing well and making positive steps, strides, inches, or milestones in your recoveries and/or lives

Fight on good warriors

 

[Zwanya]

532 days today.

I have been staying remarkable busy, which helps me focus on my priorities, and not the distractions. I joined the treatment team at a residential rehab program in SF. I am leading Anger Management groups, Meditation groups, Process Groups, and I see my own individual clients. I'm loving every minute of it.

 

[neversickanymore]

Good to see you Z.. make sure you keep your chest covered up under you blouse. Dont want your secret getting out

NSFW:

And dont let your cape show either!!!

 

[Just A Guy]

^^^ Ditto! Way to be, Zwanya -- glad you're doing great!

 

[phactor]

Getting ready to go to an NA convention today. Should be interesting.

 

[BlueSaffron]

So pending background check and drug screen, I have a job, and if all goes well I'll start Sept. 8. I'm so worried about showing up positive for weed - the roommate smokes it everynight. He puts the fan on and sometimes I leave the room but other times I just dont feel like getting up... I really hope it doesn't show up. The other thing is methadone. I'll be on the morning shift, 7:30 to 4. My clinic opens at 7. It takes an hour to drive to where the job is. So I guess I just have to cold turkey it? I could ask for take homes I guess but Im pretty sure they're not going to give me take homes cos I work early, and even if they did they'd only give me one or two, not a weeks worth... so fuck. Today could possibly be my last day on methadone. I have gabapentin and ativan....

I don't even know if I have the job though. Need to pass the bgcheck and drug screen. Would suck if I CT'd it and then I dont pass the check and don't get the job, and I went through that shit for nothing...

also, the roomie/ex bf isn't happy. "Do you know how far (city I'm working in) is? You'll be stuck in traffic and driving a lot. Anyway, we'll talk when you get home." That's fine, we can talk all you want, but I'm taking the fucking job if I get it.

I don't think he likes the idea of me able to leave. He's told me so many times "you have no experience, no one's going to hire you, it's too late, you're never going to get a fucking job"... and I get one and the first thing he does is start talking about how it's stupid and I shouldn't take it... I can't win.

It's just assembly work, it's not some great job or anything, but it's my ticket out of here, and I think he knows it.

 

[Papaverium]

29 days today for me.

My bf convinced me to go to an NA meeting tomorrow to celebrate my 30 days lol. I've only gone to a couple before, I guess they're alright, I'm not big on group things, makes me nervous. I much prefer communicating with other recovering addicts here on Bluelight, it really helps. But its still nice to know there are others like me in my area of town.

In fact, I re-met an old friend from junior-high who I thought disappeared off the face of the earth. She was having suicidal tendencies back then, going in and out of the psyche ward, I was so happy to see it was her, she's 2 days ahead of me off her DOC and it's awesome, I wanna hang out with her and do art, but I'm really nervous cause I don't really converse outside my main circle of good people I've become accustomed to. I have to step out of my shell. :/

 

[Zerix]

I wanted to take a 60 day chip today, but I was late to the meeting, I totally forgot this certain location starts at 530pm not 6pm doh!

Past 3 nights already I had Heroin present in my dreams... I wake up with thinking that I usually would have a smoke in the morning, thus I've been rolling around in bed a bit longer than usual, not wanting to even get up, these days are sucking hard! I really hope my mood gets better with time, in NA it makes me hopeful when others say it took them a few months or even longer to not only finish the steps but to even get the courage to share in there... 2 months in, I suppose this is normal. Nonetheless, online discussions, motivating articles and books are helping and every hour of the day I need to talk positivity into myself, it's haaaaaaaard.


Congrats Saffron on the job! A little weed in the air shouldn't be an issue unless you get hotboxed lol, some dude in our outpatient class failed his drug screen cause of faint THC levels but he explained it was in the car with his sister from out of town, the guy told him it barely showed up so he believed him.
And don't let anyone drag you down, everyone fears change, and that's why your roomie can't adjust, I'm sure (if this happens to go through) once you start everything will fall into place

 

[neversickanymore]

Nice work you two.. keep rolling. there is so much to be gained in the fellowships, just so many hang ups for some people. do not disregard positives we can grab because of issues we can't swallow.. we as addicts are all about black and white thinking.. it either the way or its nonsense.. this messes us if we think that way as it sets us up to fail.. this is really complex, confusing by design, and hard.. i take all the good stuff from wherever i can find it.. must be the junkie in me opposed to the junkie in me, but im rolling peaceful and happy, so I WIN.

24 more down yuall.. nice work.