Alcohol was my biggest problem of anything I used from 14 til about 25, then drugs overpowered the alcohol as my DOC. The first I remember having the conversation about me being an alcoholic with someone else was about 17, but I remember calling myself one earlier then that. I dialed the number of a rehab when I was 19, but backed out. Didn't get an answer or returned call and thought "phew good thing I got out of that one" sort of thing.
I was already experience withdrawal symptoms at 19 in a way that made me feel very fucked up, very sick. I could not control my drinking anymore whatsoever and I was near daily, heavy heavy drinking til I was drunk all the time.
That was the age I first experienced total down and out, fucking everything up (when I DID care this wasn't my high school BS). I started reading into addictions and alcoholism in particular, joining forums, researching treatments. I was getting into conflicts and quasi-intervention scenarios with my family, friends, and my employers over my drinking alone.. I was completely out of control. I was the bottles bitch and so much shit happened.
That went on til I was about 25 like I said. Then heroin became my DOC, cut out the opiates and now I'm living a deathwish with meth. I always messed around with drugs too, and I still drink sometimes, heavily and addictively for periods too. My main DOC has just changed. My addictions have overall gotten worse over the years. I'm 29 and I wonder how much I've got left in me sometimes, honestly I'm pretty messed up.
In and out of rehab, hospitals, psych wards, homeless multiple times and always feeling transient. Moved 33 times in 29 years, the majority of it since my middle teens bouncing around and especially my 20s going on.
I've been sober and working nightshift overtime in a technical job while I aced my college courses in the morning, high 90s top of class, saving money, didn't even smoke cigarettes.
I've been addicted and functional, somewhat, working in what I consider now to be my career (CNC Machining) and making a solid income, coming up in the world in my own way despite everything else.
I've been sober and so miserable and mentally ill I could barely step out for a smoke from the fear of the world.
I've been a down and out street level junkie staying at a dealers, going crazy, no income no idea where the hell to go, being told I should prostitute my body to pay my way. I couldn't do that, I had just recently DONE that.. twice and I felt like I'd sold my soul.
I've been using and happy, functional or dysfunctional. I've been able to live with myself despite my problems. I've felt secure.
I've felt so insecure and unhappy, utterly depraved and lost I intentionally overdosed and very, very nearly succeeded in my suicide. Paramedics found me in the nick of time.
I've been through a whole spectrum of phases, feelings, thought processes, attitudes, experiences, actions, whatever. I'm fucked and yet I just might be OK all at once if I can get a grip. I'm in the harm reduction camp now, I'm fed up, and I'm moving on one way or another. My 30s will not be a repeat of my 20s, thats what I'm trying to promise myself. This has to improve.
I'm a chronic relapsing polysubstance abuser, dependant on the shit, and this all boils down to when I became an alcoholic. That was the start of the real trouble I've been going through for years. It's a dark, dark road. Alcohol fucked me up, and it'll fuck you too if you're anything like me at all. It's one of the hardest drugs there is, it's not fun when you're abusing it whatsoever, it's sickening so much so it's the only substance (aside from benzoes which have same action in brain) that'll actually kill you from withdrawal alone. That represents how fucked up it is perfectly, it's killer shit and you won't even remember how it all came to be. You'll be alone, no one can handle a sloppy fuck, and dead drunk alcoholics are sloppy. The worst.
I immensely prefer my current meth addiction over when I was an alcoholic, and I'm not saying meth isn't devastating and life ruining in itself. But it's got nothing on the sheer reckless blackout depravity, the sickness I feel when I'm drinking hard. I've heard voices and thought of the devil on meth, with alcohol I've SEEN the devil in delerium tremens withdrawal, many many times.
As I typed this I thought of having a drink. Ha ha.
