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  • EADD Moderators: axe battler | Pissed_and_messed

Alone

Hey steezer, how do you like that course so far? Is it graded? Perhaps, if the the whole classroom setting thing is a hurdle, you could instead try self-studying the same topics with some quality textbooks and exercise schedule to stick to.. don't beat yourself up.
 
Yea there's the Open University. That's how I got my psychology degree as I am unable to study in a normal classroom due to visual impairment x

Evey
 
Agreed, open uni is quality, and not a bad option if you want it to count towards a degree eventually, but who can afford tha t though :( They are charging 1200 pound per course now (that's 30 credits, half a semester) for nothing more than a textbook and some dude that grades your exam.
 
hexagram said:
can't imagine how horrible that must have been stee. I know how hard it is to go outside when you struggle with anxiety, I have no confidence in myself anymore and if I built up enough to go to the pub and that happened i'd feel like shit.

also I tried to pm you the other dy but your inbox was full.
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Only checked it for the first time this morning - there should be some space now - the offers always been there hex
 
I can give you some useful advice. Eventually the loneliness goes away and you become content being by yourself. You might pick up some bad habits like talking to yourself in public because the habit is definitely hard to break when you've been talking to an imaginary person for months or years on end rather than sitting in silence alone. Just try not to think about the fact that you're alone and get on with what you need to do. Easier said than done but eventually you'll stop feeling the pain of loneliness, trust me. When you get to this point something as trivial as a smile from a stranger as they walk by can make you feel so happy.
 
OU is good, in scotland, if you are on benefits it costs nothing. Talk to SAAS.
 
Exactly. What the eck you on about lurching? Courses are half that n if. You e arn less than£15,000 youget them paid plus a grant.

Evey
 
To be honest, your post worries me a little! Drugs aren't the answer, please PLEASE don't try and 'drown' your sorrows. I learnt many years ago that no one else is responsible for my happiness but me.
Friends come and go, the older you get, the less you have. In school you all go and socialise with your peers. Once you leave you all go your own separate routes.
Try and focus yourself on something, learn something new, finish the day a better person than when you woke up.
go somewhere, Pack a bag and get on a train anywhere, Anything. You'll meet people along the way.
I regret not being a better friend, I should pick the phone up and call or send a text but I get so caught up in day to day life just like everyone else does.
 
Just wanted to say stee and hex... Your not alone lads. Some of us think of you both often and wish you nothing but good things <3
 
steewith2ees said:
Morning Guys

I havnt posted much on here recently as following my 'experiment' I walked into the most difficult couple of weeks Ive had in a while. Following my last trip, I decided to go to my my local pub the following saturday. I normally avoid the place like the plague due to the trouble in there from all the coked up pissed up chavies that insist on causing a ruckass every weekend. However, the landlord is a personal friend, and as he was giving up the pub after a 25 year tenancy he decided to throw a leaving party which I decided to attend as I never go out anymore.

I lasted about 90mins - 2 hours when I was ordered to leave by one of the male patrons, as he stated I was making him feel uncomfortable and in his words 'i wasnt doing anyone at the party any favours and was making people feel uncomfortable (????) so he ordered me to put my drink down and leave, which I did promptly. A I left the pub I was unaware that the man was following me, and as I got outside I was met by 5 other lads who, along with the original guy, proceeded to give me my first kicking in 20 years.

To say Ive been at rock bottom is an understatement. Ive kept myself going by continuing a maths course Im currently doing at a local education centre, but its taken me 3 weeks for my mood to improve to the degree that I can start communicating with other humans again (training course aside).

I do have other interests outside of drugs, I just dont have any friends or social life. I spend most of my free time smoking cannabis while watching films on my dads 3d home cinema as Im a total film buff and avid blu-ray collecter. Ive brought a Playstation 4 which has kept me entertained and I continue to read about subjects currently interesting me, most notably physics and cosmology and the Wars of the 20th century. Im on methadone maintainance (70mg / 24) so regardless of what changes I personally make regarding my substance intake I will never feel 'clean' untill Im methadone free. As the methadone blocks most of the effects of any heroin I take, I can only use street gear on a weekend where I can skip my take home dose (im supervised Monday - Friday). So, I have plenty of non drug interests to keep my occupied, I just dont have any friends or anyone to share my life with.

Even before the nightmare at the pub I was feeling very lonely, and with no chance of making any friends on the horizon, the original rationale to conduct my 1-P LSD 'experiment' was to see if I could expose myself to an intense psychedelic experience with the knowledge of how alone I really am, and whether or not the trip would compound these feelings or offer me an experience where I could shed the need for human contact and have a positive experience within my own innerspace.

Its been a long few weeks but with the thread being bumped I can try and compose a trip report if anyone is still interested (the last few posts Ive made have been thoroughly ignored so Ive hung back as Im not sure my contributions are welcome or of any use to the bluelight community

Stee
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Hey Stee. Just wondering what ever was the upshot of the trip? Did it open you up or bring about any acceptance. I've found some drugs have helped me come to terms with grief but on the whole you have to come to accept yourself and the mistakes you've made in sober time.

Unbelievable that you got beat up the first night you went out for ages. 5 on 1 doesn't say much about the kind of people they are. I wouldn't beat yourself up about the loneliness thing it's probably very common amoung addicts in general especially those recovering.
 
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