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Alone

steewith2ees

steewith2ees

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 9, 2013
Messages
5,576
In Staffs no - one can hear you scream

Im feeling particularly lonely at the moment. Despite a slightly less awful summer than last year, I remain more or less totally socially isolated, generally ignored by my peers in real life and most of those I meet online. Despite making some effort and plans to get out and about I remain, to all intents and purposes, completely friendless, having contact with only my parents and health and social care professionals and the odd drug dealer here and there

Ive done myself no favours having managed to make myself about as unpopular online as I am in real life.

The only real comfort and peace I get is the oblivion provided by opiates and tranquillisers, which while not making me feel any better about things distract me enough from my inevitable premature death. But how deep does that reassurance and comfort go? In a pathetic and desperate effort to communicate with other bored members Im going to use today as a social science experiment, and experiment which will involve me just taking lots of drugs. Shouldnt be too hard

Im not the most confident tripper, with mushrooms being my only psychedelic outlet since I stopped taking street acid in my teens. However, I have taken a shine to the 1-P LSD blotters that have been available on the grey market since last christmas.

Due to my pre ban stockpiling I find myself with every drug I need to entertain myself in a large empty house for a day. I have hundreds of benzos of all different types, 2 different hybrid weeds, plenty of heroin (and an unopened bag of spoons and pins to go with) and methadone, BK-2C-B pellets, and 30 tabs of penny acid. With all that chemical comfort on hand, do I actually need another human being. My plan is to take 200mcgs of penny acid, wait untill the shit hits the fan, and report back. Will the trip just compound all the negativity and hopelessness constantly floating around my brain? Or will a double dose (ive only ever taken them one at a time) offer sufficient enough detachment for me to temporarily escape my social isolation and offer a level of ego death which allows me to completely accept the fact that Im alone, probably always will be, and to actively embrace the situation. Leading experts in neuropsychiatry are currently interested in how psychedelics could contribute to palliative care, that, when it gets close to the end, rather that blowing someones brains out with high dose opiates / opioids, a psyche could be introduced which may allow the patient the objectivity and mental clarity to face their demise head on, with more sense of acceptance and understanding.

Could this be translated to those like myself, who have no self esteem left? Can the final frontier offer me a level of universal engagement without requiring the presence of another human being?. Considering, that for this one moment in time - I have everything I want materially - the drugs I have listed above, a blu ray copy of every film I have ever wanted, 25 years worth of the best house / rave / club music and the loudest and best audio visual equipment any home could ask for (the PS4 can go in there as well but I dont think Ill get much out of it while tripping) do I need anyone or anything else?

Ok so ultimately its just some sad wanker sat tripping on his own.

Or am I alone?

I hope to know for certain by the end of the day

St. With no ees,

but enough of everything else to hopefully get me through another saturday.
 
You may be alone physically, but when those 200mics hit and you tune into the cosmic consciousness, your number will be infinite. Time will dissolve, 'I' will cease to exist..

IME, a high dose trip is usually less prone to turning bad, providing its strong enough to dissolve reality entirely. Personally I can only let go like that when on my own, eyes closed and flat on my back. All being well, your negative thoughts will be held at bay for the peak, though I would expect to have to face them at some point as you re-enter reality, and it may start to get a little difficult then, but face them square on and you should see things from a better perspective.

Here have some good vibes from me Stee, I'll be with you in spacemind if you do start to feel alone. Enjoy :)
 
Sorry Sadie, im not deliberately ignoring you - its just that a discussion this end of the day could possibly 'interfere' with my experiment. Im interested in seeing if I can drug my way through to state of mind where im content with myself and my place in the universe - calling you would probably expose me to human reassurance, which would interfere with my bassline state of mind

;)

As for that bassline, its already been shaken nicely as I have tried a new weed for the first time this morning. I dont know what the strain is, just the chain of custody from the grow but its lovely snot green 'cheese' type weed covered in trichomes that has me death stoned already while I watch the original 'X-Men' film, so i would be unavailable by phone regardless

%)
 
Right - down the hatch 11.40 - dads still here tho. Ive just explained to him that im going to take some 1-P LSD and listen to dance music. I dont know whos going to end up leaving the room first. Hes never seen anyone take a psychedelic and Ive never had 2 tabs before so all bets are off at the moment
 
Damn, wish I could be that open with my folks about any non prescription drug.

Happy trails. . . IME the answer to the question posed is yes.
 
jude101 said:
Damn, wish I could be that open with my folks about any non prescription drug.

Happy trails. . . IME the answer to the question posed is yes.
Click to expand...

I dont think hes quite as comfortable as me, as im going to start going fairly weird in the next half an hour. He can get his head round me when hes spent time with me when ive been stoned or pilled up, but hes never seen me on a pure psyche (aside from when i would shuffle past him to bed as a teenager mashed off a street trip) this dose of this drug will probably induce a new level of spackerdness hes be best off not seeing.

He was supposed to be going to a cricket match but the opposition conceded (they couldnt get a full team together) so it was cancelled. Thankfully my mother will react badly and madly to this as she is bonkers, hopefully leaving my father no choice but to take her out somewhere. He quite fancies going out himself as its a nice day our end. Its all gravy to me though im experiencing threshold effects and probably be signing off for a while now., See you on the the other end...
...
 
Hi Stee, has it occurred to you that perhaps you don't need any chemical help to find friends/loved ones out there?

I would suggest either signing up to a club doing something else that interests you, perhaps going to 'narcotics anonymous' type meetings, otherwise seeing what education is still open to you. In the part of the UK where I live there are some superb Horticulture centred courses that for people who have perhaps shut themselves away for months/years or suffered some form of physical/psychological abuse.

I think doing something like that would help you get to know yourself better, to love yourself in-fact, so you can take an interest in what other people are doing and perhaps use some of your energy to help them/think of them.

I know many people who have done a form of educational course, designed for the unemployed/unemployable, and they have come out the other side as a fully functioning, social member of society.

As I'm sure you know, drugs can lead to a vicious cycle where we see ourselves as 'bad' and feel like only the escape from drugs will make you feel temporarily good.

Please give it a chance, help make your parents/family and friends happy, you will be ok!

I'm sure your dad is doing the best he can but ultimately he would be overjoyed to see you stopping taking drugs.

PM me if you would like to chat privately.

Take care,

Drench
 
I'll assume the swirls are in full affect by now :D Enjoy em
.

I'm rather gutted I couldn't make it over tbh. Another time buddy.. You've got me staring at my 1P stash now ;)
 
Aye I'm tempted to take my last two tabs tonight and stay in with some Acid Folk in my ears, rather than go out and hear a band that will probably be shite, spending a couple of days wages on a hangover, to boot! The gardens around my way are full of fruiting p.semilanceata. It might be interesting to combine a handful with my pennies %)
 
So Im back. Any who cares? Perhaps I have learned something profound today - I just need to concentrate on being a druggie for now rather than bore people by disussing the in and outs of it.

my thanks to some of the lovely replies Ive had this afernoon, which a special mention to Drench whos post siginificies what this website does WHEN its at its very best @ drench -my personal thanks for your kind words - I will pm you within the nest 48 hours for a more personal thankyou.
 
Hey Stee, have you had chance to evaluate your experience yesterday yet? Hope the outcome was positive.
 
I look forward to reading a good write up. I would love to hear the ins and outs of your experience. xx

Hope all is well mate.
 
I've never suffered from loneliness Stee - I tend to feel even more alone around most people. Perhaps there's some kind of loneliness we all feel that's only eased by mushrooms and acid but I don't find other people help much.

As Lemmy said "In the end you're on your own, and there is no-one that can stop you being alone".
 
I promise Ill wrap up this thread properly its just Ive actually had non - domestic commitments for once - Ill wait until Ive finished all my shit tomorrow then Ill write it at tea time while Im smoking my first ganja of the day (first spliff/bong is always the best and is fantastic for work / tasks that involve mental effort)
 
Hi Stee, brave of you to come out with all that. There's nothing worse than loneliness (Except maybe a perennial state of testicle pain while burning alive or something) apart from the sadness, it can leave you really vulnerable:

steewith2ees said:
Due to my pre ban stockpiling I find myself with every drug I need to entertain myself in a large empty house for a day. I have hundreds of benzos of all different types, 2 different hybrid weeds, plenty of heroin (and an unopened bag of spoons and pins to go with) and methadone, BK-2C-B pellets, and 30 tabs of penny acid. With all that chemical comfort on hand, do I actually need another human being. My plan is to take 200mcgs of penny acid, wait untill the shit hits the fan, and report back. Will the trip just compound all the negativity and hopelessness constantly floating around my brain?.
Click to expand...

Sounds like your replacing the people you should have in your life, with mass drugs and that comes across as really quite dangerous.

I would forget about the tripping idea as a solution. Have some confidence in yourself, surely you are good enough to think rationally and resolve this problem without the help of strong psych's?

I met my closest friends at my former work place. And through them, became acquainted with other people. I know enough people now, to post on facebook and receive a few likes. tis awesome. I would suggest you make the changes necessary to make your life more fulfulling. Whether that means you must change job/get a job, move into a house share with people... you'll probably find that there are other people like yourself out there,and you'll only find them if you're willing to do the work.

So yeah, get out of your bad habit (drug taking) and start making changes to your life.
 
Raas, you can't possibly be suggesting that Stee replaces all those yummy drugs with Facebook?

Dear oh dear...
 
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