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almost 40 and single

N

Need4speed

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 23, 2011
Messages
440
i have not had a girlfriend in 5 years. not really sure what to do or think... im stuck in a rut
 
Do you feel like you need someone? Or do you think you need someone because everyone else has a partner?

If it's the first one, go and join some groups. Maybe take up dancing? You may not like it at the start but once you have your hands on a hot chicks ass you'll be loving it. Alternatively there are many dating events for the 35+ crowd. Worse comes to worse try out some of the dating websites and go from there.

I feel for you though, I haven't had a partner in over 5 years and whilst my problems are currently big I don't want to drag someone else into it. So it goes....
 
again im not really sure.....i can hardly get out of bed most days and im slipping away from reality because i stopped caring about life...probably depressed and dont know what to do.
 
When you are that depressed, having a relationship with someone is out of the question anyway. I'm really sorry that you are feeling that low--it sucks and it seems to keep feeding on itself and growing in scope. Have you tried tackling the depression? By that I mean, have you tried really exploring where it is coming from and ways to treat it?
 
yep my apartment is a complete mess everything is on the floor

as far as tackling it im just tired.....ive been "tackling" it all my life sometimes going in strong with gym and diet routine then eventually fizzle out in a few months

ive bee thinking about my age alot latley and am getting anxious beacuse i dont own my own home ( renting a basement apartment)

i have no desire to do anything
 
Need4speed said:
yep my apartment is a complete mess everything is on the floor

as far as tackling it im just tired.....ive been "tackling" it all my life sometimes going in strong with gym and diet routine then eventually fizzle out in a few months

ive bee thinking about my age alot latley and am getting anxious beacuse i dont own my own home ( renting a basement apartment)

i have no desire to do anything
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This sounds like me only I'm turning 31 and still living at home with my folks. Depression / Anxiety and my drinking have definitely taken a toll on me. I"m literally a dead man walking or have been the last few years. So the story goes...
 
I'm almost single and turning 31 soon. Haven't had any sex in over a year. It's a weird time. Societal pressure. Women growing out of the 'party' lifestyle.

Like tackle one thing at a time. If you have health insurance, look into TRT. Testosterone drops dramatically as men age. Start working out. If you're gonna be alone make everything an event. Keep a schedule and stick to it. Try to socialize just a little bit more. Set a new pace and keep it till it's boring and step it up again.
 
Being single and being lonely is the cause of depression for many. The depression can snowball and ruin your life. It is worse for men than women, studies have shown.

It kills people. Suicide. If loneliness is the cause of your depression , find somebody. That is the only cure.
 
socko said:
Being single and being lonely is the cause of depression for many. The depression can snowball and ruin your life. It is worse for men than women, studies have shown.

It kills people. Suicide. If loneliness is the cause of your depression , find somebody. That is the only cure.
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Think it would be better to make the distinction between loneliness and lack of intimacy/love. Lack of social contact definitely can cause depression.. lack of love is a self-inflicted depressive pattern though. We don't actually need it, though nature is pretty good at convincing us we do. You don't go mad without love.. but you definitely go mad without any social contact.
 
-=SS=- said:
Think it would be better to make the distinction between loneliness and lack of intimacy/love. Lack of social contact definitely can cause depression.. lack of love is a self-inflicted depressive pattern though. We don't actually need it, though nature is pretty good at convincing us we do. You don't go mad without love.. but you definitely go mad without any social contact.
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I don't know how to make the distinction. People have tried to explain it to me. Is it possible that different people have different needs? I recently spend a year in the desert 100 km from the nearest town. I had very little social contact but never felt lonely or depressed. Now I live in a very large city, go to parties once or twice a week, have a few friends taht I spend time with several times a week, but feel lonely. The gf I had here recently left the country because of her job. it's not all about intimacy either. Prostitutes don't help. It's kind of depressing. The difference is that I had a gf in the desert. She didn't live there, but we still spoke once every few weeks. Here, I have no gf and no true love.
 
socko said:
I don't know how to make the distinction. People have tried to explain it to me. Is it possible that different people have different needs? I recently spend a year in the desert 100 km from the nearest town. I had very little social contact but never felt lonely or depressed. Now I live in a very large city, go to parties once or twice a week, have a few friends taht I spend time with several times a week, but feel lonely. The gf I had here recently left the country because of her job. it's not all about intimacy either. Prostitutes don't help. It's kind of depressing. The difference is that I had a gf in the desert. She didn't live there, but we still spoke once every few weeks. Here, I have no gf and no true love.
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It's possible that you're overwhelmed by the change in your environment.

To quote Bon Jovi "Tonight I won't be alone but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely". You could have 100 people around you and still feel isolated. I know how it feels because I was in that place too.

There is no quick fix, I'm afraid. It took me a long time to figure out what worked for me. It's not the people, it's their personalities. If you aren't compatible on some level, they won't make you feel any better. Look for groups that share common interests. For me it was a book club and a small bar that was always quiet but showed nothing but sports. I could sit there with a book. The readers would join me or the sports fans would.

Don't look for love.... You'll never find it. It's something that just happens when you don't expect it.
 
BadHero said:
It's possible that you're overwhelmed by the change in your environment.

To quote Bon Jovi "Tonight I won't be alone but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely". You could have 100 people around you and still feel isolated. I know how it feels because I was in that place too.

There is no quick fix, I'm afraid. It took me a long time to figure out what worked for me. It's not the people, it's their personalities. If you aren't compatible on some level, they won't make you feel any better. Look for groups that share common interests. For me it was a book club and a small bar that was always quiet but showed nothing but sports. I could sit there with a book. The readers would join me or the sports fans would.

Don't look for love.... You'll never find it. It's something that just happens when you don't expect it.
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I spend time at book clubs and writing workshops and have made a few friends there, but that doesn't help. Casual dating doesn't fix it either. I go on plenty of dates. It's always been the lack of a romantic partner that I am really into that does it.
 
I think it boils down to the key word "connection", whether that's love or social contact. I've found that spiritual connection can carry me, for a time. I still need people though. There was a guy I was talking to on the street one day and he said there are 4 things people are most afraid of:

1) Growing old.
2) Growing old without a partner.
3) Growing old without money.
4) Death.

He said if you can overcome those fears then not much will phase you in life, especially the last one.

I kind of agree. Since I entered my 30's I've felt a lot of instinctual pressure to seek a mate, but I have found such dissatisfaction in the mating game that I'm practically celibate now.

I dunno... I don't think loneliness can truly be satiated with partnership. They're just a temporary distraction until the novelty wears off and then you're back at the same existential dilemma, except now you have a partnership to maintain.

Loneliness is the human condition. I don't think there's any escaping it. When you resist it, you get depressed as shit. If you grow to accept it, there's a certain peace that comes with solitude.

What I mostly rely on people for at this point is a frame of reference outside of myself to keep checks and balances in my psyche. When you're alone for too long you don't realize that you're slipping into unhealthy psychological states, until you have human contact and your derangement becomes apparent.
 
^ doesn't sound like you've been in love, or you wouldn't describe a partner as a 'temporary distraction' or something to 'maintain.' in fact having a partner can enrich your life in so many ways, and u can battle that existential crisis together.
 
luxma said:
^ doesn't sound like you've been in love, or you wouldn't describe a partner as a 'temporary distraction' or something to 'maintain.' in fact having a partner can enrich your life in so many ways, and u can battle that existential crisis together.
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I agree. With a compatible partner, you don't feel lonely. They truly cure the loneliness if it is a good relationship. You grow together and make each others lives better. It is easier to get through life's obstacles and cope with existential dilemmas. You are happier. There is nothing temporary about it if it is a life-long relationship. I have no wish to live my life as a monk. How ironic that I work in a monk's cell in a former ancient monastery.
 
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^

I would try and face the underlying issue first before you find yourself a partner. You could spend 10 glorious years together and then she may get taken from you by illness or other circumstances.. which would not bode well for your state of mind.

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. - Orson Welles
 
The lack of a partner is the underlying issue. It always has been my whole life. Its as simple as that. During the times ive had a long term partner, of course i did not have that issue because it was the issue. Some people have a need for romance. Some people die from the heart braek of losing it.
-=SS=- said:
^

I would try and face the underlying issue first before you find yourself a partner. You could spend 10 glorious years together and then she may get taken from you by illness or other circumstances.. which would not bode well for your state of mind.

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. - Orson Welles
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You don't die without a partner, it's not a requirement for life. I feel happy, energetic and warm when I have someone, and a bit miserable when I'm without a partner.. but at the end of the day it's all in the head.
 
-=SS=- said:
You don't die without a partner, it's not a requirement for life. I feel happy, energetic and warm when I have someone, and a bit miserable when I'm without a partner.. but at the end of the day it's all in the head.
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Actually, married men live several years longer, on average, than non-married men. Scientists have looked at the causes of their (single men) earlier deaths and found higher rates of death by alcohol abuse, cancer, and suicide. Psychologists have found that a significant proportion report more loneliness, depression, and despair which they believe contribute to this. There has been a lot of serious research done on this topic, and it has been the case for decades; it's not some fad/pop psychology headline to attract attention.

Everybody is different, and some people, no doubt, do better single than with a partner. This is obvious when the relationship is toxic. I have no doubt that bad relationships often lead to earlier deaths than being single.
 
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The ones who died didn't handle being lonely well.. I'm sure I could find many who cope well without a partner. They might not be beacons of happiness I'll grant that, but content none the less. I don't doubt that having a partner makes things tick along better, that's been my experience.. I think biologically we've been made that way.. but I also think you can largely determine the affect it has on you, both ways too, because it's largely a mental issue.
 
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