I thought I'd poke my head in and see if I can get a diagnoses from the community on whether I am or am not really an addict (referring to strictly the mental aspect, not dependency - two things that need to be acknowledged as totally separate and distinctly different). Wall of text warning. Nobody has to read this but if you do and respond, I appreciate it.
Here's all I use on a daily/bi-daily basis that I know I'm not addicted to:
Caffeine (don't we all)
Diazepam 10mg x2/day (I HATE this drug and if there were outpatient or inpatient rehab that'd let me keep taking my kratom, I'd check myself in right away.
Adderall ER 20-25mg x1/day (self-governs, abuse is impossible for me nor do I want to take more at that point because it makes me feel like shit)
Here's what I'm not sure about:
Kratom (Maeng Da, Red Vein types, no idea the dosage but 48 00-size capsules twice a day, sometimes only once at night if I took an Adderall that day)
Fluoxetine 40-80mg x2-4/day (MFG PAR, dosage varies on whether or not I missed a dose)
Alcohol (usually wine, sometimes vodka)
Now, the greatest concern of mine is the SSRI. Please don't mock me because I'm being serious here. It's the only antidepressant I've used in a long time. I've not tried another since Tramadol and have taken this for the longest amount of time. I don't remember the effects of all I've tried in the past but Cymbalta was bad, Zoloft was bad, Wellbutrin was good at first before leaving me with a horrible sense of dread at night and Paxil is bad and makes me angry. I'm also afraid to take something like Paxil where the half-life is short and not getting my refill called in quick enough could make me feel depressed and shitty (Prozac's withdrawal is bad enough with a high half-life so I just don't want to fuck with SSRI/SNRI withdrawals). I've taken Prozac because it's the safest, easiest one I can take. It does little else for me other than fight off a certain peculiar sense of depression that is hard to describe. Past that, I'm still depressed on a normal level but stable. I also have a certain affinity of it because despite it not possibly working as well as others, it carries the least amount of side effects. Zoloft gave me ED at fucking 13, which is the worst possible age for that. Just when your dick starts to be a dick, it stops working. Thankfully that's gone and my sex drive is fine on Prozac.
I'm attached to it. I feel legitimately scared to try another or life without it.
The second biggest concern is the alcohol. I don't generally drink a lot, but I almost always drink every night. It's to help me sleep. I'll pour a glass full of cabernet (14% ABV) or half-full with some vodka (35% ABV) and often I'll wake up having only had a third of it because I set it back down and fell asleep. I don't have vodka anywhere near as much as wine so it's really the rate of *when* I drink that I'm worried about. It feels compulsory at this point. If I don't pour some and have at least a taste, something is wrong. I've been drinking a while and I became physically tolerant to z-drugs and benzos before ever drinking to the point where I can't feel them, so that combined with genetics gives me a really, really high alcohol tolerance which is *not* something good. I have never been *drunk* drunk once in my life. Would three 12oz glasses of vodka be enough to do that? That's a buzz for me.
Anyways, I can't help but feel that it's like the beginning stages of alcoholism. Since I have Diazepam at home, I know I can get off it, but I don't want to or feel comfortable doing so at the moment and that's where I'm not sure. Is that addiction?
Finally, the least concern of mine is Kratom. I've been taking it for years so my tolerance is high. Some days are better than others. Like a lot of opiod users I do take it for pain, but it's pain and then some. Unfortunately, I've never fallen into that trap and I could start tapering off Kratom as soon as my neck/back is fixed and rehabilitated, but like the alcohol, I don't want to. I wish my tolerance would reset itself and the drug would play out like it originally did and I know that isn't going to happen yet I keep taking it anyways while my brain tells me I need to stop. Addiction or something else? I need to note that I have purely obsessional OCD that plays into all of this and that's why the situation is so complicated. If I didn't have that, I could self diagnose myself. I was able to come to the conclusion by myself that I had become addicted to Zolpidem, but that was years ago and I have not taken it since 2013. I'd like to avoid the situation with the others. My willpower and tolerance for pain is high, my emotions are not.
Thanks.