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ADDICTS: Are you livin a secret double life? Secret addiction? Post here

The statement below is my mindset also. Since my previous post I've maintained my quiet schedule of stimulants, dissociatives, and cannabis.

Just The other day I parachuted 20mg 4-FA / 5 mg pulverized Adderall extended release with espresso chaser, followed by insufflation of 5 mg pulverized Adderall 30 min later. Then, after some outdoor Purple Skunk, I began my work putting together a big report.

Mid afternoon I ate a large chilled avocado with olives, vinigarette, washed down with kefir.

About six hours solid work on dose, virtually no negative body load, heart rate about 70 bpm, then off to my cave for meditation, music, and a puff or two.

My stealth has been holding, I am the model spouse, very giving and open in all other things, except this chemical indulgence on a very regular basis. She is very honest and loyal to me, her only issues are OCD and GAD, I am her best friend, therapist, and we go to bed happy every night.

I do my secret stuff to be a better person, I have earned her admiration. We may be dysfunctional but it works so well, as if scripted to succeed, with the best yet to come. The gods are in alignment, thankfully prayerfully grateful for the continued peace we share.

If I wasn't taking these substances, I probably would have got out of this relationship. They are used primarily to make me happier, productive, and at peace. She would never understand, even if she knew my secret life.

Thanks to Lady Codone for the quote!

Lady Codone said:
Most of my family and friends don't know the extent of my drug use. .... I keep it to myself because I don't like the stigma that if you use X or Y drug you must have a problem. I use what feels good to me,

So I'll keep responsibly self-medicating in silence to avoid judgment. It's never failed me so far.
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just4today said:
I've been living a lie (or a double life) for more than 20 years. My life is one big lie (or actually several lies). I go to work and the country club, and meet parents of my kids friends, and they all think I am June Cleaver -- they have no idea that I love coke, I snort Ritalin, and mix with several other medications. Not even my husband knows. I give the impression to everyone that I am the perfect PTA mom...nobody knows me really. I tell so many lies I start to believe them.
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This is simply exhausting. I imagine the stress you feel so they don't find out.

BostonBrownTown said:
do you ever think that maybe your husband is also into "playing" in his own way. maybe he also liked drugs, gets percs behind your back, takes xanax some nights to help relax, etc.

this is part of the reason why I am so open about my addiction/problems. since I am a full blown junkie to many (well, many think I am am ex junkie but all know my bad habits/ways), so many people have come up to me and admitted their own problems, and even wanted to use w/ me a majority of the time. I was shocked how many people were just OK w/ what I was doing and also doing the same as me. all of this actually got me laid a few times, ha.
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I can only imagine your relief.

Dble07 said:
Im living two lives. Im an everyday crystal meth user but to the rest of the world, including my fiance, parents, siblings, friends, and people of authority, I have finally changed my life for the better! I met my boyfriend while using speed and something happend where we had to chose between two paths, live a sober life to change for the better, or continue a life in and out of prison to where you end up dead. I tested that saying in NA "One is too many and a thousand is never enough," and too avoid disapointing those around who were/are so proud I got myself where I am today. I wanted that life, and I still do, where I am sober with goals, to get married, have a family of my own, and actually have nice things earned legally! Now I do, but I have a dirty little secret that I feel everything is at stake if the wrong person finds out. (Even my fiance...) I have dug myself so deep to where if I was totally honest it would hurt more than if I kept this life secret, until One day being able to bury this life n never look back. My bestfriend, a few dealers, and some mutual users, new or from my past only know. No one even knows how much I do cuz I juggle between dealers getting a halfballs, they think im just an occasional user. Which is fine but a big reason I keep it a secret is because im a mother. I am functioning but I could see someone using it as blackmail n try to take the only thing that actually keeps me sane and from going off the deep end. I feel guilt everyday, I dont want her to live a life anything like mine. So I must end it I guess by wheening off. The cold turkey thing has not been working in anyones favor
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When you wrote about your withdraw being favorable to you due to your secret life, wow I can clearly see how this is exhausting for you plus all the strength you had in order to get clean during pregnancy!!

I've been reading so many posts about this and living these secret lives and doing basically everything/anything to prevent society or family's judgment is probably causing extreme levels of anxiety.
I mean, besides the drug issues this is insane. This was also one of the reasons I wanted to come off to end this double life too. I was always fearful. Besides, such anxiety has led me to use even more. Shit this is counterproductive!
I wonder if this world we live in will ever change. In some places it did a little but strictly towards marijuana.
We got to the point people don't know who we are anymore, I frequently ask if we do.
Like Lady Codone says 'keep responsibly self-medicating in silence to avoid judgment. It's never failed me so far.'

Dble07 you've got so much strength, IMO I bet you could stop using anytime. You are more powerful than you probably think.
 
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Akbar Rabbitowitz said:
If I wasn't taking these substances, I probably would have got out of this relationship. They are used primarily to make me happier, productive, and at peace. She would never understand, even if she knew my secret life...
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I'm in a similar situation, but for me it's sort of the reverse: I have chosen to stay in the relationship (for the sake of my kids), even though I'm unhappy, and the drugs are my way of coping (as you say, to make me happier, more productive, more peaceful, and a better husband and father).

However... it's a lonely way to have a relationship.
 
Listening said:
I'm in a similar situation, but for me it's sort of the reverse: I have chosen to stay in the relationship (for the sake of my kids), even though I'm unhappy, and the drugs are my way of coping (as you say, to make me happier, more productive, more peaceful, and a better husband and father).

However... it's a lonely way to have a relationship.
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You need a side bitch. Lonely no more.
 
I take drugs daily and have for about a decade. Right now it's (low doses of) codeine and amphetamines, but I've used everything from mephedrone and poppy pods to weed, pain pills & benzos.

My gf has always known about the drugs I take, but most of my friends don't. I've been judged harshly for drug use in the past so I won't make the mistake of telling people again. My mom knows but the majority of my family doesn't. (Though they might suspect it). FWIW, I don't consider myself a true "addict" but it would be unpleasant to quit.
 
When my wife found out about my addiction there wasn't much space to continue doing what I believed it working well for my life at that time. It was indeed a relief though as you can start counting with someone important but at the same time you'll be dealing with deadlines and perhaps being constantly being confronted so she's sure you're following the compromise you'll eventually have to make with each other. That was the only way to stay married and at the same time stay well. During recovery you might find it quite comforting to have someone by your side.

In most cases the wife wants to control your habits regardless of understanding or not how addiction works.
It's a difficult choice but in my case it helped me immensely as didn't feel so lonely as I used to.
And with help you tend to really change and live a healthier life.
 
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The life of being a hard core meth and heroin junkie and my life being a clean and sober daughter and mother is exhausting... I often wish this shit would just kill me already ... I wouldn't be that lucky though. I feel for any person that knows what it feels like to live like this.. Rather than focusing on my family ... Im trying to arrange my next fix ... I hate this shit
 
^^^ Sounds horrible, but if it's that bad, maybe it's time to consider using the shittyness to your advantage? Go make a post in The Dark Side. Tell us the details. There are plenty who can relate and maybe even help. Good luck.
 
You hit home for me. I'm the professional woman. Looking at me you would never I ow my secrete. However, once every few months I meet up with my old friend meth, and together with the only person in this world who knows, slam thick 30s a get spun out into the twilight zone. No one knows, it feels like I have multiple personalities. What worries me is my boyfriend finding out. He lives in another city so I have weekends to myself sometimes. And I get super horny when I'm high and do things with my friend I wouldn't do with my boyfriend. I'm maintaining for now........
 
I watched an episode of Drugs Inc. which showed how to obtain and hide drugs inside a correctional facility.

One guy would "tongue" his seroquel tabs. Meth hidden in pens and heroin in toothpaste.

There was a lady queen pin in Alameda Co lockup who got meth "blotters" in the mail, which she sold for 20x the street price.

It looks much harder than hiding it from my spouse, employer and relatives. I realized how much I have to be thankful for.
 
angie4558 said:
You hit home for me. I'm the professional woman. Looking at me you would never I ow my secrete. However, once every few months I meet up with my old friend meth, and together with the only person in this world who knows, slam thick 30s a get spun out into the twilight zone. No one knows, it feels like I have multiple personalities. What worries me is my boyfriend finding out. He lives in another city so I have weekends to myself sometimes. And I get super horny when I'm high and do things with my friend I wouldn't do with my boyfriend. I'm maintaining for now........
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You should prolly not have a boyfriend....
Just my opinion, atleast be open about what your doing and give him the option.
 
Parents just found out I am shooting up again... I guess I can say I kept my addiction a secret from them for just over a year. They've known for a while now, but thought I had stopped. Cat's outta the bag now though. Goddamn
 
I'm usually really good about hiding it but I think my roommate might suspect something's up with me, as he's been pretty standoffish lately.
 
I have to have the secret life because of the place I'm living at now, which is currently taking care of my grandparents. If either of them figure out that I've been addicted to various opioids and benzodiazpines for 13+ years. Slowly becoming an alcoholic again. Thankfully I'm now 2 years + IV free. I don't have a job, as I don't have anything past a GED and a few credits in college, yet no degree, I don't drive, because... well I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone that's innocent... this is the only place that I can live. Most if not all my friends have left. Very few people know that I take drugs that I know irl, yet I do have an amazing support group on tripsit.. that's my family now. Slowly it's ruining my own life by taking care of the people who raised me. I... don't know anymore that I can get off them. I've CT'd 72mg HM/4x/day IV'd... but now it's Methadone... which I'm currently stuck at around 80mg's/day. Which I have to get illicity since I live in a horrid town that has no Methadone/Suboxone clinic. Sorry for the rant... but not sure how much longer I can do this.
 
Sleepwalker18 said:
I have to have the secret life because of the place I'm living at now, which is currently taking care of my grandparents. If either of them figure out that I've been addicted to various opioids and benzodiazpines for 13+ years. Slowly becoming an alcoholic again. Thankfully I'm now 2 years + IV free. I don't have a job, as I don't have anything past a GED and a few credits in college, yet no degree, I don't drive, because... well I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone that's innocent... this is the only place that I can live. Most if not all my friends have left. Very few people know that I take drugs that I know irl, yet I do have an amazing support group on tripsit.. that's my family now. Slowly it's ruining my own life by taking care of the people who raised me. I... don't know anymore that I can get off them. I've CT'd 72mg HM/4x/day IV'd... but now it's Methadone... which I'm currently stuck at around 80mg's/day. Which I have to get illicity since I live in a horrid town that has no Methadone/Suboxone clinic. Sorry for the rant... but not sure how much longer I can do this.
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Taper your methadone, I'm not going to lie an say it won't be difficult but it's definitely no where near impossible.

I know how the grandparents stuff goes as I've been in a somewhat similar boat keep your head up and make a point to get your shit together an free from the terrible crutch that is methadone.

I've been strung out on hydromorphone and methadone,
The hydromorphone wds were much worse than anything methadone came close to with a proper taper so keep that in mind.
Wasn't takin anything close to 72mgs either but I was on 80mgs an above on the mdone an I have been off for a while now.
 
NOBODY knows I'm a meth head except my mom, boyfriend, and the small circle of addicts I use with. I hate worrying my mom so much, but it's impossible to hide things from her. She just knows me too well. However she doesn't judge or berate me because she's an opiate addict herself. We don't argue about it because we know we can trust eachother.

When I used alcohol I somehow hid it from everyone except my parents because they let me drink at home. Everything was fine until I got my first DUI. That was a hell of a fiasco because I was still under 18 at the time. It doesn't show up on my driving record thankfully.

On opiates nobody could tell I was high until I nodded at my little cousins birthday party a few years ago and the shit hit the fan.

Nowadays, people just assume I've lost my marbles. Lol
 
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