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ADDICTS: Are you livin a secret double life? Secret addiction? Post here

I'm just starting to see the affects that my last two years of coke use is having on my life. At first it was just fun and games as my girlfriend would come in and out of her own addictions. Now that she is sober I have to get high behind her back. When you need to get high behind someone's back you find that you always need one more hit so u can be high for longer.
 
I wonder if I'm an addict then.

I don't have a job as I'm still in high school (last year), but I pretty much save all my money up so I can buy coke lol. I use about twice a month, usually buy a gram or something. Somedays it's really hard when your fiending for a line but don't got the money / you are waiting till the weekend. But I've never purchased on the weekday nor have I ever stolen/sold any of my possessions for money for coke.

Except once I had shoe money and instead I bought a gram lol... my rents still asking me if I went to get new shoes yet... I tell em I'ma go when the weather gets a bit nicer so they don't get dirty from the snow 8)
 
Ive basically lived a secret life of drug use for the past 5+ years, living with parents, graduated HS almost 2 years ago. Ive had some habits, namely the worst being with Heroin, but I made it through them all and have learned to respect all substances. My drug use has been more apparent in the last 2 years though, more going out, more parties, etc etc, but I just recently opened up to my mom about some of my drug use, but definately not the full story. Specifically mentioned some psychedelics (LSD, Ketamine, 2C-B, Mescaline) and mentioning having tried Cocaine and MDMA. Shes recently been a lot more lenient on me about things, as long as I continue my day-to-day responsibilities which are a condition of me living here although theyre not bad or time consuming, so Ive felt a lot more like my own individual as of late and feel comfortable sitting down with her as a respected adult and sharing some things about my "not so secret" life anymore.
 
my double life started with normal drugs , in which i got kicked of home at 15 for then it was a downhill slope since , and there was no double life . just drugs ! then i returned home after about 18 months , in which i eventually tried IV ice , then two weeks later i ended up spending all my nights at a fellow lady ice addict friends house doing meth every day / night , in which i proceeded to live a junkie life for around 8 months . after nearly dying from a staph infection i returned home and tried to clear from drugs , in which i relapsed . i then had to try and continue to hide my ice addiction as well as trying to make it look like i was doing no drugs , and tying to turn my life around , which i was ... but only in that person . the other person was having fun partying and fighting the addiction . fortunately i have now moved to a different state and have no access to drugs and a real opportunity to turn my life around . how ever i have had some thought and want to return , and either keep the addiction away or continue regulated use .
 
Ha i love this thread it really gets me thinking. Not a single person around me knows how truly into drugs i am or how many i have actually tried. It makes me wonder how many others are secret psychonauts.

To everyone else its like yea i smoke weed and i like to trip...but u have no idea. HahhHahAha.
 
I led a double life for about 2 years. I was going to college, got good grades, had 2 jobs. Based on my looks, you wouldn't ever guess I used drugs nonetheless an addict. I was doing everything I 'thought' was right. I 'thought' I was going down the right path, & so did my parents. I think I could've gotten away with it if it wasn't for my boyfriend at the time. He didn't have a job. & we both had a pretty high OxyContin addiction. Needless to say, I payed for EVERYTHING. I bought his dope and mine. The only people who knew were each other and our few close user friends. Other than that, everyone else was clueless. Until a couple months ago... Things started to go downhill My funds were getting low. I started stealing & my family found out. Knowing that this wasn't normal behavior for me including my loss of weight, my stress, being sick, etc. they suspected something was up. Well I ended up in jail. & then my drug usage quickly became my entire families business... Sucks. But I've been clean for about 2 months now, i'm using this time to lower my tolerance :p

<3
 
Znegative said:
I think when you've got to start boosting from stores because you've already pawned all of the shit that you owned, it's safe to say that you have become a drug addict.
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I think it starts long before you start stealing shit. When you've reached a point where it goes from "a weekend thing" to a "I gotta have it or I ain't getting out of fucking bed" thing you're an addict.

I know plenty of rich people that are addicts, they just don't have the same stigma associated with their addictions because they can afford it. But sooner or later the habit will get bigger then their wallet and they'll be in the same boat as me and everyone else that crossed the "addict" line at some point in their past. They can either go that direction or die from overdose before they run out of money. IMHO those are the only two ways out, you either hit rock bottom and decide its time for a change or you fuck up and OD like so many people before us.

Oh, and when I say "a weekend thing" I'm not talking about a chipper. I tried that myself, doesn't work. As long as you're "looking forward" to that once a week session the DOC is still a problem and there is still an addiction. Sure its not as bad as a spend all your money and every waking moment on your DOC and not bathing addiction, but addiction the same.

Its so much harder when you're leading a double life though. I can relate to the guy above that talks about "doing one more line" to make sure he stays high. Every time I've relapsed I've just done more and more, I have the mentality of "if I'm going to use, might as well go for broke". For me it isn't even worth it if I don't catch a super nod these days, and while I try to adjust for lowered tolerance and take it easy those first few lines eventually I'll get to a point (about 2 hours in) where I say "fuck it" and start doing insane amounts of opiates and usually mixing them with a benzo, weed, and hard liquor. I know its stupid, but damn it, there is no point if I'm not "going for broke".

I don't even have a DOC anymore, I have a COC (cocktail of choice) which is: Oxycodone, Opana, Xanax, homegrown mary jane, and Jim Beam. If I have those five things on any given day its a good day. Separately they're just fine, but together...oh man. Just thinking about it makes me want to go get them, its better than sex. Yea, I was THAT bad off. I thank god every day no one showed me a needle when I was in the middle of that.

You don't want to end up like me...
 
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tweakyb said:
Ive basically lived a secret life of drug use for the past 5+ years, living with parents, graduated HS almost 2 years ago. Ive had some habits, namely the worst being with Heroin, but I made it through them all and have learned to respect all substances. My drug use has been more apparent in the last 2 years though, more going out, more parties, etc etc, but I just recently opened up to my mom about some of my drug use, but definately not the full story. Specifically mentioned some psychedelics (LSD, Ketamine, 2C-B, Mescaline) and mentioning having tried Cocaine and MDMA. Shes recently been a lot more lenient on me about things, as long as I continue my day-to-day responsibilities which are a condition of me living here although theyre not bad or time consuming, so Ive felt a lot more like my own individual as of late and feel comfortable sitting down with her as a respected adult and sharing some things about my "not so secret" life anymore.
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thats really quite cool... wish it was that easy for me.... i had to leave.
 
Haha highhooked this is me. People meet me and I till them I just smoke and get drunk. Sometimes I will admit that I used to be really into drugs (dont get specefic) but that I quite after rehab. The only reason I admit to my occassional pill is because its no ones business. I don't tell everyone when I take a shit. Some things (like jerking off) you do and keep to yourself.
 
I am totally hidden. Most of those close to me have no idea...I schedule my use around them. Having said that, last weekend was the first weekend off I have had for a while...and people noticed I seemed more alert...
Did it easily too.,..for one weekend. This week even smoked a little during the week.,....the first time I have broken that rule!
As my weekend dosage increases, I suspect the Monday morning flu may start to wear a bit thin. So who knows? None of my closest friends and family have any inkling; my best mate thinks I am suffering depression..My personal trainer knows (because we smoked some once) but he thinks his addiction is worse than mine because he uses every couple of months (but his eyes have shown he has used 2 of the last 3 weekends...meth users can spot other meth users).
One guy at work I am close to worked it out, 'fessed up to me (I knew) and didn't get the admission he was looking for. But he knows: both of our pupils blow up when we can see the other is getting some that night.
There are a couple of people I work with who I have detected but they don't seem to have registered mine yet.
Other than that, the three friends I actually use with, and my two dealers. That is it.
Although how much longer I can hide it, I am not sure.
 
my rattie girl thought she was hiding her IV H addiction. for years she sold H and so got it free and didn't have to rely on paying for it herself. years later after getting clean and having a crisis in her life (her husband died) she started using again and this time payed for everything herself. mostly she asked her grandmother for money. she would make up stories about having to buy expensive prescriptions which she and my grandpa believed since they were on expensive prescriptions themselves.

she felt really bad about this after she got clean again finally and before her grandmother died she came clean to her only to find out that her grandparents had suspected something of this nature all along :(

she thought she was fooling everyone and that no one knew... well years later she has had people come up to her and tell her that when she was an addict (people she thought did not know) that she was always nodding out in mid-conversation! same about while she was on methadone - people could tell.

so much for living a double life not to mention all her veins were unusable and she had a lot of abscesses over the years and now has scars that look like gun-shot wounds.

lately she has been chipping and so far hasn't IVed any but is still snorting it and this seems easy to hide so far...
 
My addiction is pretty much a secret (though I'm not in too deep right now). I told my outpatient program a portion of whats been going on with me, because for the first time I actually go to a cool IOP, and I have a crush on my counselor(she hypnotized me with her eyes, and then I just feel compelled to spill it all out. It's kind of unfair cause she's super attractive, about 10 years older, and I sometimes feel like she's using that to gain som influence on me-either way, it does work).

Other than IOP, Bluelight, maybey three friends, no one. And if I continue to use I will probably keep it a complete secret from everyone.

It sucks to live a lie, but at the same time, when I'm confronted and asked "do you want to be sober", I feel like saying "actually, no, I hate being fucking sober" is not a very political way about it. And now that I've slipped up,my word means shit, as I was caught in an elaborate lie that had convinced a lot of people (which means people will think twice about believing a word I ever say again)...fuck man, the life of an addict. It's not easy, but at least we're not in Russia messing around with krokodile, tropicamide, and Coaxil..
 
pretty much in the same boat^

my IOP knows that i have gotten high in the past, sucks living a lie and being on drugs
 
LlDouble life is my damn name. My H addiction came out a few years ago and was forced to get clean. Almost a year to the day ago, I started using secretly again while I was supposedly an ex-ddict and clean. NOBODY knows, not my family, not my friends, wife, nobody. All my paraphanelia is intricitaly hidden and disposed of. I am king of finding excuses to leave the house and of coming up with excuses about why it took me 30 mins to buy a soda. (I hate it when I'm trying to cop, leave the house on a cig break and then the damn dealer takes 30 mins instead of 2 and I'm left sweating while my phone is blowing up w/ ppl asking where I am). It absurd the amount of time I put into thinking of ways to be alone to use or to score. I hold down a great job, am happily married with kids, am upper class etc..but my life is spent secretly plotting how to use score and hide my lifestyle from everyone. The hardest is dealing with money, I spend obscene amounts of money, and trying to explain where it all goes every week while having no tangible goods to show for it, should earn me a freaking olympic gold medal in the bullshit category.

I've had enough experience to know how not to nod in front of ppl (what got me caught the 1st time years ago). I don't ever look high, act ihigh, and can score/stockpile enough that I've only been sick for 24 hours at the most so can play it off as a stomach flu. But the lying and the money occupies 95% of my mental energies. The first comment by the OP about a well to do person that is supposedly clean now but is really getting high again and nobody knows it--well that's me, nice to meet yall!
 
Doesn't it feel great to just put it all out there though? Even on an internet forum? Btw, your name-Waldo, thats great.

"WHERE IS HE??!!"

And I totally know how that is, when people think your clean, and your not. I'll be "going to an AA meeting" which is code for "copping a bundle and some crack". I'll leave the house knowing I have roughly 1 hour and 15 minutes to get my shit, and get back home, but so many times things have gone wrong and I wont score until I am supposed to be back- then I'll call up, (sometimes from the inside of whatever bathroom I'm about to shoot up in), and make some excuse up like "I met a great sponsor", to get a little leeway..

It actually is sickening, and I wish I didnt have to behave that way. I dont do it as much thats for sure but it would be nice to go at least a day just being completely honest.
 
Oh yeah I know exactly what you mean, and yes it does feel good to get it out, regardless of forum, and its also nice to know other ppl "get it", even tho I don't wish this on anyone.

My go to time extender is "had to go to the bathroom", so I def know what u mean about calling from inside a bathroom!! (Isn't that echo a bitch!?)

But just FYI, I'm still living the secret life, but am now on MMT (covertly of course) and its maade my life soooo much easier. Money is no longer an issue, and "copping" is now easy to plan and time out, and I no longer have to life in fear about being sick, or worrying I didn't ration well enough when I go on vacations etc... All I have to really worry abouit is getting coke, but its no biggie when I can't get it, and most of the time its just a 5 minute trip.

I still live in fear about being discovered (the methadone and the coke and my past) but my day to day worries about keeping my secret drug using identity under wraps is no longer the focus of my life.

(Oh and my name was derived from the fact I would always go "missing" , so yup you nailed that one square on the head)
 
Haha, that's good you got on the MMT, now at least if you get caught, it will look like your at least getting your shit together
 
So I'm new here, like just registered fifteen minutes ago new lol, but great thread, definitely met a need. I've been dying to get this off my chest.

I'm a junior and I do all the normal party stuff, bud almost every weekend, in school every now and then, drinking occasionally (not a big drinker at all, but if it's a celebration I'll take shots. A while ago, my friend's brother in law (who's been around the block a time or two) asked us if he put a line of speed in front of us right then would we try it. We both said yes, I was curious about the high. The next weekend we're chillin about to smoke a bowl and he's all, "Hold up on that, I got something a little better" pulls out his pipe and a mini baggy of shit (about a gram) and loads a fatass bowl of it. Three people (The two I was with and my newly acquired dealer) know that I have ever even seen speed let alone gacked out for five days on end (Big mistake because that was only my first time. I didn't eat anything but two or three pop tarts the whole time and I went from 180 to 155, not to mention the comedown was terrible because it was coupled with dehydration.) After that first time, we decided that in order not to get caught, we would make it strictly a weekend thing, and only once a month, twice if we were lucky. But the next weekend I go over, and sure enough, we score some more of the shit. I stayed up all weekend and did enough sunday that I didn't sleep til Tuesday night (granted I went to sleep at like 7 on Tuesday lol) We were sure we wouldn't get it the next weekend, but we went over to this guy's house, he offered, and we dove in headfirst. I didn't go to school on Monday that week my body was so ripped, I felt disgusting. We started to get it under control and only be doing it every now and then. But I haven't done it in around a month and I'm just now getting withdrawals (completely psychological, the physical were gone a long time ago.) I'll be sitting in class and my mind will just seemingly start begging for it. It's weird to me because I haven't done it in so long, is that normal? And I'm getting some next week, would that make it worse or make the cravings go away for another month? (I'm going to do it anyway, I'm just curious to know.) But back on to the whole double lives thing, I've been smoking bud, hash, cigarettes, drinking, popping pills, doing a line of coke every now and then, sipping lean, etc for five years now, and my mom still thinks I'm her little baby that thinks drugs are stupid and a waste of money and time, she hasn't caught me one time, hasn't found my stash, hasn't found a butt, hasn't seen a bottle, hasn't noticed that I always have money (Dont reveal this about yourself on the internet) nothing. And she has no idea, which is weird, because she was exactly like me at this age lol, I think she just won't believe it unless she can see without a shadow of a doubt. But hey, I'm not complaining.

I didn't really think about this til I was done and wasn't sure where to put it, but people always ask why I'm so cautious, and I don't get it. I mean yeah, I've gone home earlier than I was supposed to and been totally out of it, but I've been at a friends house where the parents are a lawyer and a cop and he has a history of using, and he acts stoned as hell in front of both of them like he doesn't even care that his dad is required by law to arrest him if he catches him walking around with the ridiculous amount of illegal shit he's got on him at one time. I don't understand people's obliviousness, bu I guess I never will lol, anyways, congrats if you read this whole post, it's long as hell.
 
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You could say I live a double life. But since I dont live with my parents its not like I have to hide anything. They just dont know I do anything stronger than weed. Still got a full-time job so they dont really get into my private life anymore, I just make sure im not fucked up when I see them. Used to go to some bad parts of the city to cop, now I just find local dudes and the price isnt that much different. And you dont have to deal with the constant BS of being robbed or pulled over in the ghetto.
 
euphoricnod said:
I was pretty out during my addiction... every one knew...
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Same here. Was addicted to benzos, tramadol, tilidin, codeine & oxycodone. (Tramadol & benzos was my main addiction, and the others I did quite often.)
I used to walk around like a zombie 24/7.

Still have to pretend I don't smoke weed though. Had some problems when my addiction got discovered so I was forced to quit all drugs including MJ. Screw that.
 
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