Truth is now that im on amphetamines and actually thinking about it, yea I did lead a "double life" for awhile with every drug except pot, for about 7 years, than finally I just got sick of hiding it to tell you the truth...
I was still only snorting my DOC opiates, but I had been physically dependant for 7 years and had enough of the "Wheres all your money go" "Why do you have the flu so often" "Why do you hide out upstairs in your room with doors locked or in locked bathrooms bathrooms"...."Why are you missing so much University" ..The big question that I had to account for immediately....
Plus the constant inquiries, people had suspicions, especially when I got a script for a benzo while on probation....finallly I just broke down and told people I was close to, my parents, GF (who knew I think) that I was an opiate addict and I need suboxone to make it through this probation..... (The height of my double life, pretending to not even smoke weed, Even tried to say that I needed benzos legitimately for sleep and anxiety so I got a script, before that for month(s) one or two, I hassled my family, faking panic attacks with dopesickness symptoms (Blood Pressure up to far, Dilated pupils, sped up Heartrate, sweating a ton, great mental anxiety stress ( all the same symtoms actually, but I was sucking up there extras each month, one week my ma was even short and I had to hit the street to help her)
shameful I know! (now I do need my benzos), (irony/karma is how ppl do the same thing I did to her to me)..... but at the time I needed them to get me through the boredom of sobriety during the last 13 days of the month without pot and especially the last 4 days of usually full blown WD before my UA) Plus I showed up a little less sick that way, that and tramadol, lifesaver, anyways.
Now everyone saw how I was always sick, almost puking and shitting if not both, for 4-5 days before my UA everymonth, told em it was a combo of nerves and trying to drink plenty of water with vitamins and whatnot to keep the pot I "didnt smoke" from showing up....but I was so sick of it.... the end of the month(s) that is......So I came clean and got on a subby program, only used it for legitimate opioid maintenence for the last few days when I couldnt use....I quickly found this raised my tolerance and I had IV to gain effect.... which led me straight to heroin of course......
Finally my mom found a burnt spoon in my room which I convinced her wasnt mine (god bless parents wanting to believe you), but I did confess to being heavily addicted to opioids, mainly morphine and heroin which I told her I would on occasion IV, (truth is always except low mg mscontins)...Needless to say they were super freaked and pissed!!,
they only knew I smoked pot before probation and took benzos as prescribed *yea right* now, all of that was taken incredibly well...Even when I got busted for weed they didnt look down on me at all, they just let me know it was over and probation is a serious thing. Duh......
But for this admission I realize they now look at me differently, Ive lost not just my family, friends, maybe even GF's trust.. but theyre respect also......they always think there short on spoons (even when Ice cream and a house full of kids are around, and there not short, I never once stole they spoons, only borrowed than cleaned, returning promptly)
Every time ANY money or a BOTTLE OF PILLS dissapear Im immediately asked where I was and what I was doing, if not straight up "Did you take them, Have you relapsed" If I can convince them I did not (And I can't always, sometimes your alibi sucks even if your innocent)...... they only say "Probably one of your junky friends"......despite me trying not to hang out with my junkie type friends anymore, even though they never stole from family, only from me, and only once, 160 bucks I gave them upfront foolishly. (Pay a broke dopefiend upfront for dope and you know its coming back short if coming back at all, no matter how much you promise to help him with when hes gets back) He has paid me 50$ back and fronts me some ganja at times so I dont think hes a total scumbucket thieve of the earth.
I mean it was getting crazy, everyday I was accused of stealing something, and a thief I am not, Ok I would at times in desperation pinch maybe 2 7.5's percs or vics klonopins, ativans, xanax or w/e out of a 30-90 count of my parents meds, if and only if it was past the month so they were extra, or it was fresh and unopened after half the month, a gram out of an oz of bud here or there, but never the last pill, never a few of the last ten, I only pinch I dont steal,10[/U] .. Which is in fact simply stealing, but only a small portion of something the owner posses in excess.....I remained proud of this fact considering what I saw my friends of equal habits doing.......The kind of thing my parents would accuse me of was disheartening, it made me feel like I was low enough to do those things even if I hadn't....... even my gf who used at the time too began calling me "junky" and saying i do "dirty things" ...Ex. Cooking up Crack in Vinegar or IVing Riddies for a similar rush to coke......all very bad practices for someone with no micron filter and at times has to reuse (nobody has to thats bullshit) the same needle like 5 times, or go get new ones with money youd need to beg for cans to get....when your fiending and the product is there, youll go for it....
I was even trading some of my subs for H or Phine tablets to heads that were running low and had no money coming (talk about ruin the whole point of sub program)....Was a decent gig, could usually get a point maybe one and a half for a pill, Id get blasted for 8 hours than go back on my subs and the trader could not be sick till he got his paycheck, both sides happy. Except my GF hated me for doing this, even though she demanded her share she hated us using H.........
My tolerance increased, so did my/our usage from once a month to two three times, which at 100 dollars, 150 for me and my GF a day I was in debt all month for the 3 days we used, paraphanalia laying around my rooms the rest of the month.....weren't fooling nobody.....My mom found a needle, A full on rig with no cap!! just laying on the bathroom floor one day, This was after I did 2 points of the best dope Id ever done and passed out almost OD'ing, Bluelips but regained consciousness when slapped, nudged, etc
Finally I broke down and admitted to myself and EVERYONE ELSE, I mean my FRIENDS, JUNKIE FRIENDS, CONNECTS, DEALERS, GIRLFRIEND, EX GIRLFRIENDS, ANYONE I PLAN TO STILL KEEP IN MY LIFE, that I truly Truly have a problem , So I went back on my subby. (this was about a year ago, Ive decreased my daily dose and tolerance 75%, from 4mg bupe daily to 1-2mg bupe daily, .5 mg daily at the end of the months (Last week or so I tend to run short)
So I went on subby, which worked great, but once again I find myself living a double life, hiding that I come off my subby once or twice a month for IV H or morphine, although I told my gf and parents that Im using once a month (Had to make one more promise and tell them I wont use IV or H any ROA for the monthly use) They were truly scared that I was going to go full relapse, and I am scared of that as well, since I have broken my promise and when I use once a month it is IV H in most cases.....so worried they offered to find me 30 mg morphine tablets or give me their 7.5 annexias to get high on once a month if I just dont IV or use H....
Only problem is even at 1 mg of Bupe per day IV H IV Morphine and IV hydromorphone are the only way I manage to feel anything between 12 and 36 hours after my bupe dose, Id wait longer except I start to feel dopesick after 24 hours, by 36 I feel full on as sick as im getting.
So yea The whole drug use thing is degrees of a double life, how much do you want to hide so people dont think less of you, so your treated fairly, looked at as a good citizen, how much do you want people to know so they act cool around you and dont close off the darker sides of they lives to you....or even better yet, expose their party animal side
sorry for the rant
She's been pulled over for traffic bullshit like speeding and never once got breathalyzed. i pray for her and her demons every day and hope she can remain clean and sober. i know that level of drinking has shaved some years off of her life (knock on wood) . but if there was anyone to do a secret-addiction type of life, she did it to the fuckin max.
