A Peruvian DopeFiend/RockPiper

[nznity]

I just need to get this out of my chest, i don't know where to start. I live in Perú, the worst fucking country in the world to have a fucking drug addiction, i'm gonna tell you the nightmare I'm fucking living at the moment. 24 y/o mid class family raised, my mom died of cancer when i was 18, that's when it all spiralled out of control, ive always been prone to get sick/asmathic always in the hospital when i was a kid, my mother was over protective with me so she didn't really teach me how to do stuff on my own, she was always my support in every aspect emotionally especially. so when she was dying I couldnt handle the situation, by the time she got her first operation, i was hooked on oxycontin like shit, i had a connect back in 2012 that would sell me purdue stuff the real deal for like 1/20 of the actual price in the us. so i was chewing up everyfucking day up to 8-10 10mg OG oxy pills.

When my mom died we as in me my older brother and my father received around 200000 dollars in insurance from my mother. It doesnt sound like much but multiply it by 3 cause thats the exchange rate in my country to the national currency. So we were secured financially, but it left such an empty hole in my life, very deep within me self, i only knew how to function with my mom around and now, she was gone. dead. she got detected cancer in march 2012 by nov of the same year we were burying her. so now my older bro was just finishing school and stuff, he got a good job in my country and thanks to him im still alive to this day. fast forward 6 years, 3 stints in rehab programs that were 9 month each, 1 stint in a psychiatric institute for 45 days because i tried to commit suicide last year, i even appeared on national tv, i jumped out of my 3rd floor window just minutes after having a seizure from IVing a 250mg of neearly pure cocaine. it lasted3 minutes and after that i went batshit crazy and jumped out. igot stuck on a metal gate, they had to call the firefighters to rescue me and undergone an operation because i was bleeding to death. i have 30 stitches on my tummy and a scar on my leg from that day.

ivr done every drug thst is available in other countries also but my main problem are speedballs, with pure pharma 20 mg morphine vials. i got a connect that is dirt cheap i can get them 247 all year long. so i havent shot up since that day cocaine ever again, but i switched it for something worse, crack cocaine. so ive been shooting up morphine everyday 100 mg shots, 5 vials in 1 shot, in 1 syringe and smoking on average 2 grams of freebase whenever i have extra cash. So one of. my. best friends and i havr been doing this shit for 3 months straight and he has started having such paranoia that he thinks his neighbors havr his phone hacked and that theyre ready to get him locked in rehab, the last time we. smoked was 2 days ago, we smoked 5 grams of Peruvian cocaine, i dont even have to tell you guys is good quality, its fucking banging crystals that shine.we smoked all OF It. didnt take a single line went through all of it in 12 hrs. by the time we were done, i did a sbot and went to home.

TODAY i had a dope nightmare last night, in this dream i was in a place somewhat like a psychiatric ward with all my aunts and my dad surrounding me crying, telling me that i was still hooked on the yay and saying good bye to me crying, i had a stroke in my dream and i was vegetable. i wake up and my buddy calls me and tells me last night he attempted suicide and hes looking for a rehab as i am typing, i got anothrr message from my ex gf, telling me that she fking doednt want anything to do with me anemore and blocked me from all social media, i couldnt cope with all the shit im living right now so i left my dealer my brand neew laptop until Saturday for 9 ampoules and 20 bucks or soles in my case. I just shot up the max dose ive shot up in 1 syringe, a 10 ml syringe filled with 8 ampoules. i just had the most intense morphine rush of my life, i could feel the taste on my tongue and my throat. it even lasted 2 mins, i dont know what to do, im thinking of telling my dad im still hooked to tjis shit, we have absolutely no money left from the insurance years ago, they hsve spent between him and my bro hundred grand of us dollars trying to rehabilitate myself with no success.

i was crying a while ago, I don't wanna face the fact that i hsvr to go to rehab but im so fucked up with the ASSCHEAP coke and DIRT shit morphine that is so fucking hard to kick. im. gonna do a final attempt to get clean in 2 days, pay my dealer, i hsve evrything ready i hsvr my own recipr for kicking. loperamide×clonazepam and a shit ton of gabapentin. i just wanted to get this out of my chest, my country is a gift and a curse at the same time. we have the best food in the world, beautiful places to visit, macchu picccu for example but theres the other side of my country, a really dark one though. Wish me luck guys while i enjoy my last blast of good ol morphiumnmmmm.....im done with crsck and dope, this time i mean it. if i csnt by myself, ill just go to rehab.

 

[Xorkoth]

Dude, that's intense. I'm so sorry. Have you ever considered ibogaine? I was addicted to opiates for 10 years and hated myself and my life, and I did ibogaine and it honestly was a turning point in my life. They have clinics, maybe in your country, it's legal in most places. Definitely in Mexico. Anyway I only recommend it for people who are seriously on their last legs. You'd have to make sure your heart was good though as it has killed a handful of people via long QT syndrome (I think that's what). I have never touched another opiate again. Just throwing it out there because it helped me tremendously.

Another thing though, regardless, is it sounds like you might need to stay away from where you are for a while. It's intense but have you ever considered moving? I think after you've undergone rehab and feel stable, you could benefit from a change of scenery.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I'm going to add paragraph breaks to this so more people will read it and reply.

Also, we have a forum that deals more with this sort of thing that you might get the best replies from, but here is cool too, let me know if you'd like me to move it.

 

[nznity]

Dude, that's intense. I'm so sorry. Have you ever considered ibogaine? I was addicted to opiates for 10 years and hated myself and my life, and I did ibogaine and it honestly was a turning point in my life. They have clinics, maybe in your country, it's legal in most places. Definitely in Mexico. Anyway I only recommend it for people who are seriously on their last legs. You'd have to make sure your heart was good though as it has killed a handful of people via long QT syndrome (I think that's what). I have never touched another opiate again. Just throwing it out there because it helped me tremendously.

Another thing though, regardless, is it sounds like you might need to stay away from where you are for a while. It's intense but have you ever considered moving? I think after you've undergone rehab and feel stable, you could benefit from a change of scenery.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I'm going to add paragraph breaks to this so more people will read it and reply.

Also, we have a forum that deals more with this sort of thing that you might get the best replies from, but here is cool too, let me know if you'd like me to move it.

Thank you for your response, means a lot to me that someone that is thousands of miles away at least is trying to help me. I would love to do ibogaine but its not available in my country because the opiate epidemic hasnt hit this part of the world YET, thank god because if there was actual heroin or fentanyl cut with fentanyl bcz you definitely know that is all fent, they dont sell real heroin anymore. i would have overdosed already and prolly died, at least with the ampoules i know what dose im Taking and in 6 years of banging pure morph i haven't overdosed a single time. I don't know i want more opinion on my case if you could move it to somewhere more appropriate id appreciate it. im still nodding off from my morning shot, it was intense i would even say that it was one of the best rushes I've had from it. anyway i just got one more ampoule for my morning fix tomorrow and then it's over. im seriously done with this, addiction has caused me nothing but suffering, my family is kinda distant from me, they're scared i could do some stupid shit like in the past so yea, the only one there for me is my dad because my brother moved to AUS looking for a better life. I could seriously make a movie inspired on my life, its been very intense road. theres good memories too ive had my honeymoon fases with everything from alcohol, mdma crystals, snorted mountains of true cocaine, opiates, weed, etc, ive lived things that you would only see in movies. anyway im getting a lil bit off topic now, i would like some advice from other people. so like i said if you could move the thread somewhere else itd help alot. going to sleep now, whats there for me in the future? idk but if i have made it this far, theres a reason for me to stay in this world yet. Peace

 

[nznity]

Thank you for your response, means a lot to me that someone that is thousands of miles away from me at least is trying to help me. I would love to do ibogaine but its not available in my country because the opiate epidemic hasnt hit this part of the world YET, thank god because if there was actual heroin or fentanyl cut with fentanyl bcz you definitely know that is all fent, they dont sell real heroin anymore. i would have overdosed already and prolly died, at least with the ampoules i know what dose im Taking and in 6 years of banging pure morph i haven't overdosed a single time. I don't know i want more opinion on my case if you could move it to somewhere more appropriate id appreciate it. im still nodding off from my morning shot, it was intense i would even say that it was one of the best rushes I've had from it. anyway i just got one more ampoule for my morning fix tomorrow and then it's over. im seriously done with this, addiction has caused me nothing but suffering, my family is kinda distant from me, they're scared i could do some stupid shit like in the past so yea, the only one there for me is my dad because my brother moved to AUS looking for a better life. I could seriously make a movie inspired on my life, its been very intense road. theres good memories too ive had my honeymoon fases with everything from alcohol, benzos, good ecstasy pills, mdma crystals, snorted mountains of very very high quality cocaine I've had the fortune to try 85%-90% yayo, opiates, weed, lsd, etc, ive lived things that you would only see in movies, ive been virtually addicted to everything, a lost soul for a long time. anyway im getting a lil bit off topic now, i would like some advice from other people. so like i said if you could move the thread somewhere else itd help alot. going to sleep now, whats there for me in the future? well like you said it would be good for me to move from Lima, the capital city, where i live but theres a problem Perú is a very centralised country, other parts of the country are very poor, its like Peru is Lima only. Other thing is That im currently studying to be an English teacher and im halfway my studies and i dont wanna quit it,its the only thing that can change the course of my life. financially because I'm broke as fk and with the monkey still on my back. idk but if i have made it this far, theres a reason for me to stay alive yet, i have a mission in this world i just haven't discovered it yet. i know my lucy(mommy) is my Guardian angel and she takes care of me from heaven. Well Im off now, Peace ✌ NZN

 

[Xorkoth]

Peace man. I'll move this to The Dark Side.

 

[nznity]

Anyone have any thoughts on my case? i really feel hopeless, help please

 

[Mafioso]

That is a lot to be dealing with at once, but I'm not sure I have anything to say that you'll want to hear. Getting locked in a psychiatric ward or rehab is probably the best thing you and your family could hope for- there are far worse consequences than that, and the only way for your situation to even start to improve is to address the disease of addiction that is plaguing your life.

More dope and crack is only going to make those nightmares of yours come true. The only way to truly fight such possibilities is with the hope of recovery. When you are working on recovery, you at least have hope, even if your situation doesn't change all that much- at least you can look toward the future with hope, and you don't have the inevitability of the disease plaguing you.

 

[Mafioso]

Is there anyone you can talk to, like a social worker, that can help you get some help? Are you open to the possibility of quitting and going to rehab at all?

 

[nznity]

Is there anyone you can talk to, like a social worker, that can help you get some help? Are you open to the possibility of quitting and going to rehab at all?

it's kinda hard in my country, there is no social work help for addicts in here.If I tell my family I'm still doing drugs it's gonna fuck me up because it's taken me 5 years to build back up my confidence with em again.Plus I'm studying to be an English teacher and I'm halfway through the course. All I Can do is try to detox by myself. I'm currently banging 100mg pharma morphine vials every day. it doesnt get me that high anymore, the rush is godly everytime but im sick of living a lie, I owe people money, I can't hold down a job because im withdrawing 3-4 days out of every week. All I can do is detox by myself, it's gonna be tough, I'm gonna get real depressed, tired, suicidal but it has to be done if I want my life back. Wish me luck and thanks for the reply man. I need to this, I'm gonna be reborn.

 

[Mafioso]

@nznity If you have no one else, you have bluelight. You can use this thread as your detox/journal thread. People will probably chime in with advice, support, and their little story and how they got through it. There are threads like this and this which are opioid "megathreads", that answer a lot of FAQs about detox and withdrawal.

Feel free to ask away any questions that you might have, as well. I know it's not easy to read through pages of info when detoxing.

If you are going to detox by yourself, stock up on supplies before you go get sick. Easy to eat and prepare food, Pedialyte and Gatorade, water, canned food and ramen, etc. Maybe advil, melatonin, and Epsom salt for baths, and whatever other OTC remedies you can think of. Easy to digest entertainment for comfort nice too, Netflix and hulu or even just youtube. Personally, I'd suggest trying to focus on light-hearted and positive things, like cartoons, comedy, and podcasts about recovery.

Comfort meds are another option as well. Low doses of DXM(robotussin) or antihistamine(Benadryl) can help with some of the restlessness, and hopefully help you get some sleep. I would be very careful about going overboard with either of them though, as high doses combined with withdrawal is going to be pretty unpleasant. Benzos can help quite a bit as well, but I'd wouldn't use them for more than 3-4 days in a row, or more than 1-2 weeks total. Even that much at high enough doses can cause dependency and mild withdrawal, so tread lightly.

Tapering is, in my opinion, by far the best option if you are doing it by yourself, but also, probably the hardest one to pull off honestly, if at all. It's possible to lower your dose over time, without ever sending yourself into full withdrawal. You'll be experiencing mild-moderate withdrawal through out the day, with period of relief when you take your taper dose. The half-life of the opioid you are taking will affect "stability" of taper, meaning opioids like methadone that have a longer half-life will "level" you out for longer, and require less frequent dosing. Opioids with short half-life, like heroin, will involve a lot more up and down, with fairly frequent dosing. If you are doing this on your own, you'll have to find what works for you- mainly what you can stick to as honestly as possible, but the 2 goals are decreasing dose and increasing time between doses.

If you can stick it out, I think there are a lot of benefits to going cold turkey, largely that it is over quick(1-2 weeks and your past the worst). It might not be the safest route to go if you are doing it alone and coming off high doses. It is possible to do a combo of the two as well, maybe taper down as much as possible before dropping off, or doing a rapid taper that pretty much just involves keeping a few taper doses for the detox.

There's plenty of ways to skin a cat, but either way, you are skinning a cat in the end. The important thing is that you get through it, and that you get a handle on the disease and get control back of your life.

 

[nznity]

@Captain.Heroin i would like cpt heroin's advice on my case. I have a lot of respect for that fella, he's a true connoisseur of HR/drug world. hope he can read my case. uu

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Oh why thank you I will read your thread and respond

I am so sorry to hear about your mom passing. That is rough. My best friend of five years just passed away two weeks ago today. The loss has been eating me up. Losing a parent has to be terrible.

I am very sorry to hear about not handling the loss and not being prepared for it. I wasn't prepared either.

I am so sorry to hear about your mishaps along the way. The suicide attempt sounds very grizzly and I'm glad you survived.

Rehab may help with drug use, but you will have to face reality and be able to work on acceptance. It is hard, I know. It's something I've walked myself through these last two weeks.

Your dad and brother care about you a lot and want to see you make it through this. They don't want to see you go too. What do you want to do with your life? What makes you happy? Thanks for the shout out, and take care of yourself. A lot of us get through dark times, and I know your mom would want you to get through this too, even if it takes some time.

Thank you for your response, means a lot to me that someone that is thousands of miles away at least is trying to help me. I would love to do ibogaine but its not available in my country because the opiate epidemic hasnt hit this part of the world YET, thank god because if there was actual heroin or fentanyl cut with fentanyl bcz you definitely know that is all fent, they dont sell real heroin anymore. i would have overdosed already and prolly died, at least with the ampoules i know what dose im Taking and in 6 years of banging pure morph i haven't overdosed a single time. I don't know i want more opinion on my case if you could move it to somewhere more appropriate id appreciate it. im still nodding off from my morning shot, it was intense i would even say that it was one of the best rushes I've had from it. anyway i just got one more ampoule for my morning fix tomorrow and then it's over. im seriously done with this, addiction has caused me nothing but suffering, my family is kinda distant from me, they're scared i could do some stupid shit like in the past so yea, the only one there for me is my dad because my brother moved to AUS looking for a better life. I could seriously make a movie inspired on my life, its been very intense road. theres good memories too ive had my honeymoon fases with everything from alcohol, mdma crystals, snorted mountains of true cocaine, opiates, weed, etc, ive lived things that you would only see in movies. anyway im getting a lil bit off topic now, i would like some advice from other people. so like i said if you could move the thread somewhere else itd help alot. going to sleep now, whats there for me in the future? idk but if i have made it this far, theres a reason for me to stay in this world yet. Peace ✌

If your brother moved, have you considered moving too? Or do you want to try to make it in Peru? You sound like a very cool person with a lot to live for man.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Can you get any Suboxone? That would help immensely as you can use it sublingually and taper rather quickly and comfortably with it.

 

[nznity]

Can you get any Suboxone? That would help immensely as you can use it sublingually and taper rather quickly and comfortably with it.

Thanks for yor advice man, you sound like a cool dude too , well since there's almost no opiod consumption in my country. there is no suboxone, not even methadone available. There's no heroin either in here, there's only a few people like me in Lima that do Morphine and oxycodone. Something interesting i've noticed is that even at my worst times, shooting up 5 times a day, there was 00000 damage to my veins, my arms were absolutely clean, no trackmarcks no nothing. But only after 3 months injecting cocaine and my veins turned black. I've lost my veins to IV coke addiction, i only got 1 left that i can easily register and shoot up still. So pharma opiates even when u abuse them have 0 impact on your veins at all. Well these days i've doing a lot less(went from 7-10 vials of 20 mg to just 3-4 (60-80mg) a day, i've stocked up on Lope, Gabapentin and Clonazepam. I'm gonna attempt to go cold turkey with these drugs to help me. I think I'm gonna make it, i've done it in the past, i just need to get past day 5 and im done. The good thing about Morphine IV is that the WD's don't last that long the worst being days 2 through 5.Anyway I'm gonna attempt to clean up my act, gonna use this thread as a journal and keep updating it, the best thing so far is that i'm almost 2 weeks free from crack, i don't even feel cravings.So that's a positive thing so far.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It’s very hard but possible. You can do it!

I’m in a lot of (mild to moderate) physical pain and I don’t even think about opiates most days.

 

[nznity]

Oh why thank you I will read your thread and respond

I am so sorry to hear about your mom passing. That is rough. My best friend of five years just passed away two weeks ago today. The loss has been eating me up. Losing a parent has to be terrible.

I am very sorry to hear about not handling the loss and not being prepared for it. I wasn't prepared either.

I am so sorry to hear about your mishaps along the way. The suicide attempt sounds very grizzly and I'm glad you survived.

Rehab may help with drug use, but you will have to face reality and be able to work on acceptance. It is hard, I know. It's something I've walked myself through these last two weeks.

Your dad and brother care about you a lot and want to see you make it through this. They don't want to see you go too. What do you want to do with your life? What makes you happy? Thanks for the shout out, and take care of yourself. A lot of us get through dark times, and I know your mom would want you to get through this too, even if it takes some time.


If your brother moved, have you considered moving too? Or do you want to try to make it in Peru? You sound like a very cool person witIh a lot to live for man.

Hehe, i'm a long time lurker on BL, been visiting this site since 2012 i think, and i've always read your posts/threads and u're a rather intelligent person, u seem to have ur personal demons but u seem a cool dude, I like how you care about helping everyone else. I've never heard your story, i just know that you've been a very heavy meth/heroin user and it's a miracle that u've survived through those times. Stimulant/opiate combo i think it's at the top of the addiction pyramid, it's the ultimate high/worst addiction out there, anyway thanks for the encouragement man, it's ironic i just went to the cementery today to visit my mom and like you said yea i think she wouldn't want this life for me if she was still alive. I know she's an angel that protects me from heaven, i've been close to death several times and i've always survived in the end. My journey has been rough but i think it's enough for me, I don't think this is the last time i'm gonna use drugs(i love to do X ocasionally, don't like weed anymore, like the ocasional alcohol bender, and i take benzos not prescribed because i can get them without a prescription in my country but only use them when i feel really anxious, don't smoke weed anymore.well i do but only if people share it with me, i haven't bought weed since 2016 i think, i don't like it anymore) Opiate addiction is hell man, it consumes all your time, energy, money.i'm so sick and tired of this, hustling, begging, selling my stuff, pawning stuff just for a few hours of bliss. I think Morphine vials can be compared to Heroin, i've never tried heroin but Pure Pharma Morphine is on a whole different league than doing oxy pills and i've read some doubleblind studies that equipotent doses of heroin and morphine in Long term opiate addicts they couldn't tell a difference from one or the other, So i think Morphine IV vials feels just like good Heroin. Anyway I'm gonna start my detox tomorrow wish me luck man. I have to do this for myself, i want my family to be proud of me aswell. I'm almost 25 years old and haven't accomplished anything in life because of my drug addiction, i wanna move on and feel proud of myself. Also people are gonna be impressed when they see me change my life completely, those days banging vaina(coke slang in peru, it means "thing") and morph are long gone. DAY 1 starts now, did my last shot a few hours ago, still scratching myself but i can feel the illness getting closer and closer...time to MAN UP and get that monkey OFF MY FUCKING BACK!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Yes morphine and heroin are quite comparable.

I don’t think I could have quit without Suboxone. I had three weeks clean and was psychologically still hooked. It was just awful.

I think I just had a lot of growing up to do. I saw a lot of shit happen. I’m not surprised I am alive I am more surprised I didn’t try to end it all. I used to be very suicidal and still get like that at times.

Losing my best friend made me realize I am worth “this chance” I am on. I would call it “second” but it’s more like 100th.

 

[nznity]

Well It's been like 3 months since I started this thread, I continued with the Rollercoaster as you guys would imagine. My buddy whom I was smoking crack with went to rehab by himself, so I stopped smoking crack a. month ago when he left, we did our last blast together before he left. Now tomorrow I'm gonna attempt for the 5585385th time to quit morphine for good, I'm gonna use this thread as a journal, wish me luck guys. I've done this before so why shouldn't I be able to do it once again? Go insane Boi NZN

 

[Phobos]

I never touched an opiate, so I would not know from direct experience, but it is my experience that tapering down at least to reduce tolerance before quitting completely feels better and is easier.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Wow

I was numb 2 weeks after my friend’s passing. I had a delayed ptsd-like grief response. I was very suicidal for a while or just severely depressed and struggled with a lot of things. I cry a lot. I get waves of intense grief and sadness. Things get better each day.