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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

25f need help signed up just for help

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needhelp011791

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 21, 2020
Messages
14
hi everyone, i found this site because it was the only one that answered questions I need. rest were drug calling

im a 25 year old female. I come from a wealthy family, and graduated university. My father passed away two months ago and it has been really awful for me. I never took any drugs except for mdma while during my party days during school, weed in high school.

Im in severe depression, anxiety and panic attack since my father died. Just so you know, he left us an inheritance of over $12 million dollars so financially we are okay. but the trauma of my father dying is not doing well with me.

I got from my doctor ativan to begin with, didnt help so im taking clonazepam. 1mg morning 1mg night. plus seraquel to help sleep. None of these medications are working at all, and im sitting here now two bottles of wine, 5mg of the clonazepam and 2mg of ativan eaten(I had 7/14 perscribed saved). I dont know what to do anymore. IF I drink more wine will I die? Do I take any more of the ativan or clonzipam?
Im sorry if this is first world problem but my dad meant everything and I Dont want to live anymore at all
 
I am so sorry to hear about his loss, that is very tragic and I would be devastated in your shoes too.
 
Most importantly alcohol + benzodiazepines will cause amnesia, blackouts, perhaps other effects - but almost certainly will not be deadly.

Please do not use clonazepam or lorazepam if they are not working.

These medications can be terribly addictive. If you are having a hard time coping and you like alcohol better - I would just drink alcohol.

Please stay safe.

I do not find clonazepam or lorazepam effective either. Taking these sorts of medications often enough will most assuredly cause a dependence or nasty withdrawal effect when you feel worse.

Please seek your doctor again, tell them the medication isn't working. They may give you a different benzodiazepine (ones that may work better for you). I would recommend not taking medication throughout the day and only taking sleeping meds at night (seroquel is a bad move - I wouldn't trust that medication). There are better sleeping medications.
 
thanks so much, i scheduled an appointment by emailing them what is happening as the doctor is a family friend. I had told her lorazepam wasnt working so she put me to clonazepamn, but I hope there is another drug.

Also, I dont drink alcohol at all so for me to grab wine out of my roommate fridge to drink it all isn't me. i dont know what is happening to me anymore. I jus want to dissapear
 
What is your bigger problem - not having anxiety/panic throughout the day, or getting to sleep?
 
i am constantly scared to go above covers, leave bed. cant function normally. I use to go out everyweekend, popular girl, sleep is fine because the clonazepman when i do fall asleep it knock me out 1700 but for some reason now I dont want to live anymore, not like this. I even google what is overdose ammount for my drugs. this is not who i am and i am scary myself nobody esle knows about this , not even my mother or father
 
Our problems are all relative.. That said, there’s not much worse than losing loved relative.

I’d personally say drop the benzos and alcohol, as they are only going to make things worse long run. Maybe giving MDMA or possibly psychedelics another shot might allow some better acceptance of your current situation.

Low dose Ketamine could alleviate some of the issues now while giving a few week lift of depression.

That’s the route I’d take..

-GC
 
needhelp011791 said:
Also, I dont drink alcohol at all so for me to grab wine out of my roommate fridge to drink it all isn't me. i dont know what is happening to me anymore. I jus want to dissapear
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Things like this happen during grief. My personality/psychological state shifted a lot over the last year and a half. I lost my cat, my partner and best friend of five years (he died at age 40 due to decades-long alcoholism), and then lost two family members and two friends ... and have been struggling with my physical health as well.

You will be OK. Try to understand that the way you think/feel can change for better and worse as grief is terrible (losing family can be one of the more traumatic things most people go through), but eventually you'll feel like your old self again. <3
 
needhelp011791 said:
i am constantly scared to go above covers, leave bed. cant function normally. I use to go out everyweekend, popular girl, sleep is fine because the clonazepman when i do fall asleep it knock me out 1700 but for some reason now I dont want to live anymore, not like this. I even google what is overdose ammount for my drugs. this is not who i am and i am scary myself nobody esle knows about this , not even my mother or father
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How is the rest of your family dealing with the loss? Are they also struggling?

Have you seen then, or unable to due to the pandemic?
 
I live alone in a difference province and i have ignored all calls from family, all message. I dont know why im doing this. but this website gave me some information and it gave me some push to register and say something because people here can understand my insanity
 
needhelp011791 said:
This is why i cant get over things, my life is so good but I want to die i cant stop crying
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It's not that you'll get "over" these things, but you can learn to live with this knowledge without it being devastating.
If you want to, you can be happy again. It will just take a lot of time. <3
 
needhelp011791 said:
I live alone in a difference province and i have ignored all calls from family, all message. I dont know why im doing this. but this website gave me some information and it gave me some push to register and say something because people here can understand my insanity
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You might be in an acute state of shock and unable to accept what is going on. Your mind might be in the "denial" phase of loss, like you know it has happened but nothing feels "real" - is it like that?

You might not know what to say or how to relate your feelings because of how intense they feel, that can happen too.

What was your relationship with your dad like, did you two have good times together? I know family relations are different in each family, so I don't want to presume or assume anything.
 
needhelp011791 said:
everyone here is so amazing and nice, thank you for help..... is there a discord or community service for easier chat? You may have save my life today, i put down my thrid wine bottle
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I'm glad to hear that :)

Is it easier to talk? I typically prefer to type (I listen to a lot of metal and noise music) but could chat, especially if I thought it was going to help save someone's life.
 
i was an only child and a daddys girl.... i miss you so much rememeber the time he wanted to go out to eat dinner and i always choose party with my friends make me feel so evil and only these clonazipam and ativan make me feel like not wanting to die of guilt
 
needhelp011791 said:
i was an only child and a daddys girl.... i miss you so much rememeber the time he wanted to go out to eat dinner and i always choose party with my friends make me feel so evil and only these clonazipam and ativan make me feel like not wanting to die of guilt
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You can't make up for lost time, but I am sure 100% your dad also wanted you to go out and have fun with your friends too - because parents want their kids to have friends, fun, and know they will prosper in the world on their own.

Try not to blame yourself for what you didn't do - beating yourself up over it is VERY easy and I am sure I have been guilty of it with several personal losses of mine.

Was your father's passing due to accident, disease?
 
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