Was going to respond to MemphisX3 around quarter to 2AM last night but I was way too high and zoning out to Fripp & Eno's Evening Star.
First off, thank you HighonLife and tbone for your responses and support; much appreciated you guys.
@ tbone, I totally hear what you're saying about the "last dance(s)" with one's DOC, especially if it happens to be dope. Just so you know, I haven't really changed my routines or upped my dosages just because I know I'll be getting off dope soon. I still purchase my regular amounts, I work with the same doses I feel comfortable with; employing the methods of harm reduction as necessary. I don't plan on changing anything or going on insane binges where I'm dropping ridiculous amounts of cash and sticking a needle in my arm every five minutes. I'm basically out to just score the best product that's available to me, and enjoy myself when I'm off of work, or taking it easy on the weekends.
I grabbed some really killer dope last night and still had some other stuff left over from a G I copped on Friday. When my main connect starts getting bunk product from his plug (this doesn't happen frequently but it is inevitable and will happen) he calls me up specifically and has me guinea pig the product for him, since he obviously doesn't use. These trial bags are at no cost to me, and after we meet I immediately fix up and hit him back to give him the results. He had me try stuff on Thursday night and I had to give it a 0 (he told me to rate it 1 out of 10, haha). No rush, no taste, no nothing; the gear was absolute garbage. However, we met up yesterday and he has me try new stuff, telling me that his plug told him, admittingly, that it was less cut. Fixed right up and the shit hit me pretty well. I texted him immediately and told him that the gear was a major improvement over Thursday's shit. To be fair and honest, I rated it a very solid 7.
@ Memphis, no worries about coming off as a "dick"; this is a social forum where we can air out our thoughts and opinions, and I'm open-minded enough to absorb what other people have to say.
"Not trying to be a dick but with that kind of attitude you might as well not even bother with suboxone, or any drug for that matter. Nothing is ever going to work of you go into the situation with a "there is nothing out there to fill the heroin void and I would be foolish to think the suboxone will" type of attitude."
What I was trying to convey was that some people attempt to literally substitute or find something else that will give them a similar feeling that their DOC would. They still want that high, so they start taking something else to compensate for their DOC that has been taken away either by choice or by the legal system, etc. I was trying to say that I enjoy heroin so much that I know there is nothing else out there that will make me feel the same, or will trick me into perceiving that it's giving me a similar effect. I'm not getting on subs to chase the high. I don't plan on switching to pot & smoking a bunch again, or turning to alcohol and binge drinking, just so I don't have to be sober. Heroin is what I liked the most, and since I won't be doing it, I'm not looking to take something else just to make me intoxicated for the sake of being unsober. That was my point. I'm looking to clean up, and I'm going to deal with being sober for awhile (or semi-sober since suboxone is still a drug I'll be ingesting).
"you are going into it kind of blindly if you think you will be able to do a one month taper and come put anywhere close to "normal". The cravings, albeit minimized, will return one you quit the suboxone and if you already in the mindset of it's not going to work then chances are you will be right back on heroin with a 1 month break....that's if you follow thru with the full month of suboxone."
By "normal" I meant not going into horrible withdrawals; it had nothing to do with any psychological effects now or later on. I'm fully aware that I will always have cravings; I'm a heroin user who thoroughly enjoys the effects of the drug. The point of only wanting to be on subs for a month is so I don't develop a physical dependency on it. I need something that will allow me to taper accordingly, so that I can minimize the nastier symptoms of withdrawal and to give myself a little bit of time so that I can't just run back out to score dope. I usually breakdown in withdrawal and buy dope because my mind knows that I just need one single shot to feel "normal" again, and being someone that works full time and has to be on top of their game, it makes it easier for me to justify using, so I run out, grab, fix up, and end my current dopesick spell.
"Also, not sure how the suboxone program is set up up there but I know down here it is awfully expensive. Why would you spend so much money for 1 months worth of help? Don't go in there and tell them you only want to be on it for a month either, I doubt they would accept you."
Even if I had to pay out of pocket it for it, it would actually be less expensive than keeping up with my current dope habit. However, heroin and prescription painkillers are such a problem back in my hometown that the local health clinic was given a grant to start a suboxone program for people who they feel meet the "criteria" for the drug. It's not going to cost me a thing, I just have to "qualify", which in fact I did, being someone who isn't a poly-substance abuser, having a full time job, and displaying intelligence and an eagerness to get off of dope. I already had my in-take, and I just have to honor my counselling appointments every Friday in order to be enrolled. I mean fuck, my counselor was pissed that she's not getting her phone calls returned from the woman who has the final say in who gets on subs (she is the head of the program). She told me there is this one girl who they enrolled into the program for an addiction to painkillers yet she's also still a raging alcoholic and shoots up cocaine on the reg. My counselor was like 'uh this program is totally not designed for someone like that and they administered it to her, so if she can get on it, you most definitely can'. I guess my counselor also has one more client she's assigned to who is almost exactly like me. Works, tries doing the right thing, and is trying to get off dope so he's not getting dopesick and blowing all his hard earned cash on the drug.
"Don't go in there and tell them you only want to be on it for a month either, I doubt they would accept you."
Already did, because I had to tell them what my goals and expectations were, when enrolled into the program. In fact they encourage and prefer people who seem motivated to not want to be stuck on suboxone long term. They're more willing to give you suboxone if you present yourself as responsible and non drug seeking. If you come off as someone who wants to get on subs so you can trade your addiction from dope, oxy, etc. to subs, then that gets frowned upon. That makes sense...
"I would seriously consider a new program. Any program that has a 3 week waiting period doesn't seem to have the addict's needs etc at heart. Anyone that is familiar with addiction (especially opiates) knows 3 weeks is a hell of a long time and anything can, and will, happen. Shit I am willing to bet all of us know it can take 20 minutes for that strong urge to get help to disappear. If I was serious about getting clean and had the problems you do I would be unwilling to wait 3 weeks."
You're partially right when you talk about them not having the addicts needs at heart. The couple of people I have been dealing with in the program have been super genuine and as helpful as possible, but they're also not the ones who can GIVE me the drug. And so when it comes down to the person who can, it does seem like that person currently has their head up their ass, and since everyone else at the center is taking this thing super seriously, as they fear their clients could OD at anytime, have a run in with the law; they want to see people like me get the help they need ASAP. It sucks that there is a particular person who is slacking off and that appears to be the person holding the key.
Yeah, I have problems but they've been the same problems I've had for like 2+ years. I still get up every day for work, still do what I have to, but I know now is the time where I have to make the switch. It may come off as counter-intuitive to you, or you may accuse me of not taking it seriously when I say that I'm going to enjoy what time I have left with dope, but that's me just being honest. I'm not an idiot, and I have accepted that my current dope habit is in its twilight. As much as I enjoy using dope, I will have enough will power to take the sub program seriously once I get the green light, but in the meantime I'm going to keep the sickness away by using and I'm going to enjoy the effects of the drug because they kill my depression and anxiety, and I haven't had one single panic attack since I picked up this particular habit. So while dope has it's obvious dark side which most people tend to focus on, there is a reason why millions of people use opiates in general, and they do have beneficial qualities, probably just as many as they do negative ones...
"You don't necessarily have to get into a suboxone "program". Find a psychiatrist that has the proper liscense (any doctor that can preceibe suboxone had to get a special, separate liscense to do so) and begin to see him for therapy and tell him you are an opiate addict and would like to attempt to get clean using cognitive therapy coupled with suboxone maintenance. It will be cheaper and it has been my experience that this avenue tends to be more geared towards the addicts needs and they concentrate on your success, not the money."
Like I said, the program is free through a grant and I have mandatory counselling sessions every Friday and the girl I meet with is a licensed therapist who employs various different methods and approaches for therapy, geared towards overcoming and dealing with addictions. In fact, years ago when she was in school, she had a painkiller and stimulant problem, she did say some of the meds she was on she were legally prescribed, but anyway, she told me how she OD'd a few times and had to be hospitalized, etc. She sounds like she was worse than me, considering I've never had to be hospitalized at all during my dope addiction and I've also never OD'd or come close to OD'ing this entire time (knocks on the nearest piece of wood).
So that's about it, and yeah, I didn't think you were coming off as a dick at all, and I appreciate your response and input. That's what the forum is here for, so it's obviously being put to good use.