Runningfox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2017
- Messages
- 697
**** yeah SHROOMY. I understand your position right now you Need to be angry n make those Opiates the ENEMY. okay.....
But yeah lets not make our peers the enemy. X O . No offense meant here.
Harm Reduction ⫸Should I Try HEROIN?⫷
- Thread starter Mr.Scagnattie
- Start date
**** yeah SHROOMY. I understand your position right now you Need to be angry n make those Opiates the ENEMY. okay.....
But yeah lets not make our peers the enemy. X O . No offense meant here.
ShroomySatori
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2015
- Messages
- 2,935
Yeah, my past was haunting me today so I just talked to my friend about it. My hostility is directed internally at myself. Anyways, she is a good listener and that is all I needed to feel well again. It goes without saying though, that any heroin addict is very selfish. I was this way. I no longer feel selfish as I spend the majority of my time helping others for little to nothing in return.
I prefer not to use the term relapse, unless one runs with it. I didn't get sick or have cravings after. I would call it using one day, and moving on realizing it was a stupid mistake. I have my personal philosophy regarding this. I never went to rehab or therapy or counselling or anything whatsoever, so I don't really know what the techniques they teach there are like. I personally just had my own way of dealing with it. I'd put a bullet in my head before an actual relapse, and if I didn't I'd intentionally overdose myself as I no longer have any chances. I really don't think that will happen. No addict would flush 1000's of dollars worth of oxy's down the drain for using a single time. I remembered the hell of cold turkey sickness and that alone was enough for me to make the right choice. Anyways, this shit is obviously just a bad idea. I'm still pretty much traumatized by it and working through it while building my life back up from the ground up.
I prefer not to use the term relapse, unless one runs with it. I didn't get sick or have cravings after. I would call it using one day, and moving on realizing it was a stupid mistake. I have my personal philosophy regarding this. I never went to rehab or therapy or counselling or anything whatsoever, so I don't really know what the techniques they teach there are like. I personally just had my own way of dealing with it. I'd put a bullet in my head before an actual relapse, and if I didn't I'd intentionally overdose myself as I no longer have any chances. I really don't think that will happen. No addict would flush 1000's of dollars worth of oxy's down the drain for using a single time. I remembered the hell of cold turkey sickness and that alone was enough for me to make the right choice. Anyways, this shit is obviously just a bad idea. I'm still pretty much traumatized by it and working through it while building my life back up from the ground up.
Runningfox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2017
- Messages
- 697
I see what you're saying SHROOMY. It's all the same yet it's all different : what's Taught in mental health/ addiction therapy/ rehabs. So much is subjective n depends wholly on the Individual's ability to Learn & to Change & to accept alot of things.
Selfishness is an odd term, at times. I mean as living species WE ALL have a certain amount of selfishness going on, else we would never survive. I'm thinking about this deeply now : whether one in Active Addiction (using ) is a More selfish person than someone who is addicted but abstaining. .... or even more to the point: a non-addict. Hmmmm I will have to Ruminate on that bit.
My initial instinct is to say that's subjective as well. Let's say Joe Blow tries heroin once. Boom he loves it; he's hooked. He spends every penny, steals outta his sisters purse, cons his folks into bill paying n spending money..... whoa nelly them's some selfish ACTIONS. indeed they are.
That's Joe in his active addiction. What was Joe before he tried that initial hit? Was he "selfish"? I guess I would have to have Known Joe.
Right?
Myself--- I never got into hard drugs. Never once gave any a whirl
My addiction to opiate based painkillers began as yours did, SHROOMY. Medical use. But within five years I was dipping into others' supply, of meds. ... and I committed a felony in order to get my hands on meds . Selfish goddam Behaviors. You bet.
Outside of active addiction however, I was and am a very Self-LESS individual. I will near ALWAYS put the needs of others before my own. And when it comes to family oh God --- I will put their small Wants ahead of my own Needs.
So.... again it's a grey area. Open to interpretation as so many things are, the idea of whether Joe blow or yourself or myself are SELFISH ppl or whether we engaged for a time in selfish behaviors. Hmmmm.
One other point: Have you EVER known an addict who wasn't Hurting, either physically or mentally , emotionally or spiritually, or even alllllll of these, PRIOR to becoming an addict?
I have not.
Selfishness is an odd term, at times. I mean as living species WE ALL have a certain amount of selfishness going on, else we would never survive. I'm thinking about this deeply now : whether one in Active Addiction (using ) is a More selfish person than someone who is addicted but abstaining. .... or even more to the point: a non-addict. Hmmmm I will have to Ruminate on that bit.
My initial instinct is to say that's subjective as well. Let's say Joe Blow tries heroin once. Boom he loves it; he's hooked. He spends every penny, steals outta his sisters purse, cons his folks into bill paying n spending money..... whoa nelly them's some selfish ACTIONS. indeed they are.
That's Joe in his active addiction. What was Joe before he tried that initial hit? Was he "selfish"? I guess I would have to have Known Joe.
Right?
Myself--- I never got into hard drugs. Never once gave any a whirl
My addiction to opiate based painkillers began as yours did, SHROOMY. Medical use. But within five years I was dipping into others' supply, of meds. ... and I committed a felony in order to get my hands on meds . Selfish goddam Behaviors. You bet.
Outside of active addiction however, I was and am a very Self-LESS individual. I will near ALWAYS put the needs of others before my own. And when it comes to family oh God --- I will put their small Wants ahead of my own Needs.
So.... again it's a grey area. Open to interpretation as so many things are, the idea of whether Joe blow or yourself or myself are SELFISH ppl or whether we engaged for a time in selfish behaviors. Hmmmm.
One other point: Have you EVER known an addict who wasn't Hurting, either physically or mentally , emotionally or spiritually, or even alllllll of these, PRIOR to becoming an addict?
I have not.
ShroomySatori
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2015
- Messages
- 2,935
Just about your last point, yeah it is common to be hurting beforehand and normally it isn't a physical ailment but some sort of emotional thing. There are definitely exceptions though, opiates just feel really good and can trap anyone at all. They don't have to be hurting in any way at all to get caught up in the high, they are addictive as fuck, but people in any sort of pain are more susceptible. That is what it was for me this started long before I hurt my back. I don't know what to make of that though, it is just an observation. Just because someone is hurting doesn't mean they have a reason to abuse opiates.
I just can't talk about it right now, sorry. I was talking to my friend and she was listening to me for like an hour, she is a very good friend like that. And then I was well enough to play my guitar and practice messing around with my analog delay. So yeah... I am exhausted from working through this with my friend well she just listened to my story she already knows about it, so it is the last thing I want to talk about at the moment and it is past midnight and I work at 4am. Thanks for the response though, I will read it when I am able to. I am focussing on my own recovery first.
I just can't talk about it right now, sorry. I was talking to my friend and she was listening to me for like an hour, she is a very good friend like that. And then I was well enough to play my guitar and practice messing around with my analog delay. So yeah... I am exhausted from working through this with my friend well she just listened to my story she already knows about it, so it is the last thing I want to talk about at the moment and it is past midnight and I work at 4am. Thanks for the response though, I will read it when I am able to. I am focussing on my own recovery first.
Runningfox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2017
- Messages
- 697
Absolutely.
Rest well n have a good shift in the morning. The beauty of Bluelight is the Continued conversations.
Take care , definitely (last thing I wanna do is Depress anyone! )
Rest well n have a good shift in the morning. The beauty of Bluelight is the Continued conversations.
Take care , definitely (last thing I wanna do is Depress anyone! )
SheWasLvL18
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2017
- Messages
- 814
I think one of the hardest things about addicts is knowing who they really are and having to put up with the person they become when they aren't high.
ShroomySatori
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2015
- Messages
- 2,935
8(You didn't depress me running fox (how could you... your username is too nice LOL), I was already depressed! I had to talk to my friend about opioid addiction for like an hour (her shift was having tech difficulties) and it was really therapeutic. My friend was just like, nobody should have to build up these feelings like that for so long and she's right. I was so boiled up inside even before I started using hard drugs that I was perpetually infuriated... so angry. Never had anyone to talk to as I was shy. A lot has changed nowadays.
I also do journal writing, I have written in script pages upon pages upon pages about stuff like the progression of the disease (codeine - hydrocodone - oxycodone - maybe oral morphine - dilaudid - fentanyl - heroin - rehab / death / jail / psych ward - suboxone - methadone - heroin - rehab / jail / death) I just write about the cycle like that. I write vividly about the 5 times I shot up in sheer desperation, because I find it not a nice thought that I would do that to myself. It is almost traumatic that I did that, and all the people I hurt without really knowing what was going on, as I was caught up in the euphoria.
And yes that is the hardest thing! I was an addict long before I tried heroin : ) I hated myself! It started off with binge drinking all the time, and chain smoking pot, then I tried to change my brain with mushrooms and acid as much as I could (this did NOT help, it was not the right time for that!) then I got fucked up even more from the emotional pain and everything, I couldn't talk to women at all never had a girlfriend so in college I abused Mdma, alcohol, cocaine a lot often in the same night.
Then, I started getting really fucked up, but it wasn't so much the drugs. I had a severe back injury... I always knew to stay away from opiates subconsciously like I never ever even thought about trying heroin I'd be like WTF heroin really? Coke on a party night yeah but... wtf that is a suicide wish. Anyways, after I had been in excruciating physical agony for 2 years in my early 20's, fucked up spinal agony, I said fuck it and got a gram of heroin. I didn't like it at first, but I sure liked those 1mg dilaudid pills my ex-girlfriend gave me so that I wouldn't be in pain when we travelled to NYC. That is the first time I got high, even though I had tried heroin and decided I didn't like it. I realized I just had the dose wrong... took too much, even though it was a little pinch back then.
It is NOT about putting up with the person they become when they are not high. It is all about transforming into the person who they want to be. Otherwise, an addict will remain an addict for life and this does not have to be so. Transformation is totally possible, I mean we are not even made up of the same molecules and atoms and subatomic particles from day to day... everything is transient. This is what I have been working towards. I want a job that I like (I love the job I found / that found me since I got clean, I just need more money but it's a start, I haven't been able to hold a job in like 2 years it's sick!)... then I want a beautiful foxy little wife, and I met someone I really really like through work already, and we are getting quite close and plan to hang out again. The first time we hung out, it was supposed to be 2 hours and ended up being 15, since we were caught up having so much fun with each other, we went like all around the city doing random shit haha.
I could just sit here thinking about how shitty my life is. I could dwell on how I didn't have a sex drive for years, and sort of ruined my past two relationships and how what girl would want to be with a recovering addict. Well, in fact, it turns out that the sexiest cutest loveliest lady I honestly ever met doesn't seem to give a fuck because she sees the potential in me, because I see it too and we know it is there, and she likes me for who I am, and if it isn't her it will be somebody else. It is all about positive thinking like that, because the reality around you is a mirror image of how you feel internally.
I could sit here wallowing in self pity about how I pretty much destroyed a very straightforward career path after getting an amazing degree, and might be a millionaire at my age if I hadn't fucked around with drugs and hated myself so much. How I spent well over 100 grand in 5 years on a stupid drug to rail up my nose and lost sight of everything. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I have a job I actually really enjoy now, that is teaching me a lot of things (like how to be a good parent, and also a second language I am learning Mandarin it's crazy!).
Could sit here thinking about how shitty I am at guitar (I'm not) but like I didn't practice for so many years because I was too busy hating myself. Instead, I am making sure to practice daily now, and I am making some kickass music.
It's all about transforming your life like that instead of being so dissatisfied with who you presently are that you end up hating yourself and turning to drugs for relief. A lot of the time, people will chase high after high until they find the right one and you guessed it... heroin is the end of the line. A lot of people end up dead, in jail, with track marks all over not only their arms but entire bodies, in and out of rehab, relapsing, going to jail for stealing from innocent people, they can become sex slaves, it is horrible.
And then when someone like that tries to get clean, they are haunted by those memories. In that case, I think serious therapy would be required, because you guessed it... heroin will numb those feelings right out so you don't even think about them ever when you're high. In my case, I am lucky. I am simply left with the excruciating back pain I had to begin with. I lost five years of my life, but I never overdosed or died. I had a consistent connect for very pure H, that was the same quality and appearance every single time so it reduced the overdose risk, as the quality control was around the same as with oxycodone pills, also, I was making around 4k a month after taxes so I only ended up selling my possessions after my sickness had progressed to the point that I became too unreliable to work. That is when shit got really bad. I started losing everything, and I literally spent 3 months in bed this year... probably more. I would honestly say I spent 6 months of this year laying in bed and I am just shy of 30... that's fucked!
I just don't give a fuck! All I care is that I am alive and well, feeling happier than I ever have before, I have learned to accept myself because I'm fucking awesome lol, I have been more open with people and made new friends, and talk to people everywhere, I am helping so many people through my work. One thing I had to do, was let go of a lot of friends who were drug addicts. I couldn't handle the negative energy from friends who were cocaine addicts, even though I don't like cocaine, and was trying hard to help, they took out their problems on me so I just started making new and healthier friends.
You really have to turn your life around to not be an addict anymore. The change can come from within overnight... it is simply training yourself to have a positive attitude towards life and yourself. But, to clean up the hurricane after a heroin storm... LOL. I will probably be doing that for the next decade! I just don't give a fuck I'm honestly SO happy that I'm alive. If I had died OMG like my younger brother, he was one of the only people who knew I was hooked, and never told my parents or anyone. Since we are best friends like that, but if I had died on him... like that shit would haunt him for the rest of his life. This is what I mean by selfishness in addicts. I am not actually a selfish person as all I want to do is help others right now, including myself, and like I am a vegetarian and stuff because I prefer not to hurt animals to sustain myself. However, during active addiction I was exhibiting traits of extreme selfishness. I was so miserable, I could not see anything but hate and took it out on a lot of people. I was simply an asshole as an addict. I'm not anymore, or this foxy chick wouldn't even be talking to me! We never would have met up and chilled out like that!
Sure I get depressed as FUCK sometimes about all this, I mean it ruined so much of my life and left me fucked up and traumatized. But, I have really great friends to talk to and that's all I need. My one friend, she is just like anytime! and always willing to listen she is so chill, I just give her ounces of chron lol since she spends way too much money on herb I'm like here... I got like an HP I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. And she is sketching my next tattoos, I am encouraging her to become a tattoo artist as she is really that artistic, her drawings are beautiful. And like nobody ever really appreciates them she just does them for herself.
There is a lot more to unbecoming an addict than just stopping using drugs, and you don't even need to stop using drugs. Just not living for them and obviously staying clear of whatever the drug of escape was. I still smoke a lot of pot, and trip the fuck out but I don't give a fuck about that stuff it's not addictive to me! And I'm not just talking physical dependency. That doesn't even really matter, it just makes it way harder to stop. More like, escaping from who you really are in a perpetual cycle of abuse.
Anyways, I am happier than I have ever been and I don't know what the future holds in store for me, but today is a new day! Who knows, maybe this foxy friend of mine will be not-so-sick that we can hang out, as when I finally got a second date she caught the flu on me8( silly cute lady, she overworked herself to the point of exhaustion with two jobs (ours is tiring enough fuck like I'm up every day at 3am, working midnights and stuff, and then she works days)... and I could progressively see her getting tired and sad, then nauseous in the mornings, then sick. Now, I'm pretty sure she has been laying in bed sleeping for 2 days. lol. Too cute. I offered to bring her homemade broccoli soup and essential oils and a heating pad, but she is just that sick lol. Needs alone time.
I need get sick so I was asking my friend last night (she helps me a little with talking to my crush) like... what does the flu feel like? Cause I was wondering how bad she was feeling, as she is bedridden and had to take days off work and I took her shifts haha. So I described opiate withdrawal symptoms and she was like WTF NO it's not like that... that sounds fucked. And she's like I'm so stoned right now it's like I'm living this experience, as I was describing to he in vivid details all the horrors that came with my habit, how I got caught up in it and stuff. Def need good friends like that... real friends. In tough times you will find out who your real friends, and hopefully make new supportive friends too if you are receptive to that and not blocking out the world around you. I blocked out the world for so long, since I hated myself so much, that even when I was sober I could not actually see the world around me. People would talk to me like when I was out and about, and I would be in such a daze of misery I'd be like uhhhhhhhh... I'm like a social butterfly now lol in my own psychedelic brain fried fucked up way. My friends boyfriend was like... dude is so chill, you don't realize you JUST met the guy. Probably the nicest compliment I ever received since I used to be so shy
I also do journal writing, I have written in script pages upon pages upon pages about stuff like the progression of the disease (codeine - hydrocodone - oxycodone - maybe oral morphine - dilaudid - fentanyl - heroin - rehab / death / jail / psych ward - suboxone - methadone - heroin - rehab / jail / death) I just write about the cycle like that. I write vividly about the 5 times I shot up in sheer desperation, because I find it not a nice thought that I would do that to myself. It is almost traumatic that I did that, and all the people I hurt without really knowing what was going on, as I was caught up in the euphoria.
And yes that is the hardest thing! I was an addict long before I tried heroin : ) I hated myself! It started off with binge drinking all the time, and chain smoking pot, then I tried to change my brain with mushrooms and acid as much as I could (this did NOT help, it was not the right time for that!) then I got fucked up even more from the emotional pain and everything, I couldn't talk to women at all never had a girlfriend so in college I abused Mdma, alcohol, cocaine a lot often in the same night.
Then, I started getting really fucked up, but it wasn't so much the drugs. I had a severe back injury... I always knew to stay away from opiates subconsciously like I never ever even thought about trying heroin I'd be like WTF heroin really? Coke on a party night yeah but... wtf that is a suicide wish. Anyways, after I had been in excruciating physical agony for 2 years in my early 20's, fucked up spinal agony, I said fuck it and got a gram of heroin. I didn't like it at first, but I sure liked those 1mg dilaudid pills my ex-girlfriend gave me so that I wouldn't be in pain when we travelled to NYC. That is the first time I got high, even though I had tried heroin and decided I didn't like it. I realized I just had the dose wrong... took too much, even though it was a little pinch back then.
It is NOT about putting up with the person they become when they are not high. It is all about transforming into the person who they want to be. Otherwise, an addict will remain an addict for life and this does not have to be so. Transformation is totally possible, I mean we are not even made up of the same molecules and atoms and subatomic particles from day to day... everything is transient. This is what I have been working towards. I want a job that I like (I love the job I found / that found me since I got clean, I just need more money but it's a start, I haven't been able to hold a job in like 2 years it's sick!)... then I want a beautiful foxy little wife, and I met someone I really really like through work already, and we are getting quite close and plan to hang out again. The first time we hung out, it was supposed to be 2 hours and ended up being 15, since we were caught up having so much fun with each other, we went like all around the city doing random shit haha.
I could just sit here thinking about how shitty my life is. I could dwell on how I didn't have a sex drive for years, and sort of ruined my past two relationships and how what girl would want to be with a recovering addict. Well, in fact, it turns out that the sexiest cutest loveliest lady I honestly ever met doesn't seem to give a fuck because she sees the potential in me, because I see it too and we know it is there, and she likes me for who I am, and if it isn't her it will be somebody else. It is all about positive thinking like that, because the reality around you is a mirror image of how you feel internally.
I could sit here wallowing in self pity about how I pretty much destroyed a very straightforward career path after getting an amazing degree, and might be a millionaire at my age if I hadn't fucked around with drugs and hated myself so much. How I spent well over 100 grand in 5 years on a stupid drug to rail up my nose and lost sight of everything. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I have a job I actually really enjoy now, that is teaching me a lot of things (like how to be a good parent, and also a second language I am learning Mandarin it's crazy!).
Could sit here thinking about how shitty I am at guitar (I'm not) but like I didn't practice for so many years because I was too busy hating myself. Instead, I am making sure to practice daily now, and I am making some kickass music.
It's all about transforming your life like that instead of being so dissatisfied with who you presently are that you end up hating yourself and turning to drugs for relief. A lot of the time, people will chase high after high until they find the right one and you guessed it... heroin is the end of the line. A lot of people end up dead, in jail, with track marks all over not only their arms but entire bodies, in and out of rehab, relapsing, going to jail for stealing from innocent people, they can become sex slaves, it is horrible.
And then when someone like that tries to get clean, they are haunted by those memories. In that case, I think serious therapy would be required, because you guessed it... heroin will numb those feelings right out so you don't even think about them ever when you're high. In my case, I am lucky. I am simply left with the excruciating back pain I had to begin with. I lost five years of my life, but I never overdosed or died. I had a consistent connect for very pure H, that was the same quality and appearance every single time so it reduced the overdose risk, as the quality control was around the same as with oxycodone pills, also, I was making around 4k a month after taxes so I only ended up selling my possessions after my sickness had progressed to the point that I became too unreliable to work. That is when shit got really bad. I started losing everything, and I literally spent 3 months in bed this year... probably more. I would honestly say I spent 6 months of this year laying in bed and I am just shy of 30... that's fucked!
I just don't give a fuck! All I care is that I am alive and well, feeling happier than I ever have before, I have learned to accept myself because I'm fucking awesome lol, I have been more open with people and made new friends, and talk to people everywhere, I am helping so many people through my work. One thing I had to do, was let go of a lot of friends who were drug addicts. I couldn't handle the negative energy from friends who were cocaine addicts, even though I don't like cocaine, and was trying hard to help, they took out their problems on me so I just started making new and healthier friends.
You really have to turn your life around to not be an addict anymore. The change can come from within overnight... it is simply training yourself to have a positive attitude towards life and yourself. But, to clean up the hurricane after a heroin storm... LOL. I will probably be doing that for the next decade! I just don't give a fuck I'm honestly SO happy that I'm alive. If I had died OMG like my younger brother, he was one of the only people who knew I was hooked, and never told my parents or anyone. Since we are best friends like that, but if I had died on him... like that shit would haunt him for the rest of his life. This is what I mean by selfishness in addicts. I am not actually a selfish person as all I want to do is help others right now, including myself, and like I am a vegetarian and stuff because I prefer not to hurt animals to sustain myself. However, during active addiction I was exhibiting traits of extreme selfishness. I was so miserable, I could not see anything but hate and took it out on a lot of people. I was simply an asshole as an addict. I'm not anymore, or this foxy chick wouldn't even be talking to me! We never would have met up and chilled out like that!
Sure I get depressed as FUCK sometimes about all this, I mean it ruined so much of my life and left me fucked up and traumatized. But, I have really great friends to talk to and that's all I need. My one friend, she is just like anytime! and always willing to listen she is so chill, I just give her ounces of chron lol since she spends way too much money on herb I'm like here... I got like an HP I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. And she is sketching my next tattoos, I am encouraging her to become a tattoo artist as she is really that artistic, her drawings are beautiful. And like nobody ever really appreciates them she just does them for herself.
There is a lot more to unbecoming an addict than just stopping using drugs, and you don't even need to stop using drugs. Just not living for them and obviously staying clear of whatever the drug of escape was. I still smoke a lot of pot, and trip the fuck out but I don't give a fuck about that stuff it's not addictive to me! And I'm not just talking physical dependency. That doesn't even really matter, it just makes it way harder to stop. More like, escaping from who you really are in a perpetual cycle of abuse.
Anyways, I am happier than I have ever been and I don't know what the future holds in store for me, but today is a new day! Who knows, maybe this foxy friend of mine will be not-so-sick that we can hang out, as when I finally got a second date she caught the flu on me8( silly cute lady, she overworked herself to the point of exhaustion with two jobs (ours is tiring enough fuck like I'm up every day at 3am, working midnights and stuff, and then she works days)... and I could progressively see her getting tired and sad, then nauseous in the mornings, then sick. Now, I'm pretty sure she has been laying in bed sleeping for 2 days. lol. Too cute. I offered to bring her homemade broccoli soup and essential oils and a heating pad, but she is just that sick lol. Needs alone time.
I need get sick so I was asking my friend last night (she helps me a little with talking to my crush) like... what does the flu feel like? Cause I was wondering how bad she was feeling, as she is bedridden and had to take days off work and I took her shifts haha. So I described opiate withdrawal symptoms and she was like WTF NO it's not like that... that sounds fucked. And she's like I'm so stoned right now it's like I'm living this experience, as I was describing to he in vivid details all the horrors that came with my habit, how I got caught up in it and stuff. Def need good friends like that... real friends. In tough times you will find out who your real friends, and hopefully make new supportive friends too if you are receptive to that and not blocking out the world around you. I blocked out the world for so long, since I hated myself so much, that even when I was sober I could not actually see the world around me. People would talk to me like when I was out and about, and I would be in such a daze of misery I'd be like uhhhhhhhh... I'm like a social butterfly now lol in my own psychedelic brain fried fucked up way. My friends boyfriend was like... dude is so chill, you don't realize you JUST met the guy. Probably the nicest compliment I ever received since I used to be so shy
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2010
- Messages
- 7,570
"The opposite of love isn't hate...it's indifference."
ShroomySatori
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2015
- Messages
- 2,935
I see you explain things more concisely than I. lol.
It isn't possible to be have romance if you place the importance of having a drug like heroin before anything else. For much too long, I thought I could have both. Not possible.
It isn't possible to be have romance if you place the importance of having a drug like heroin before anything else. For much too long, I thought I could have both. Not possible.
ShroomySatori
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2015
- Messages
- 2,935
be rippin’ ten joints, ‘fore you wake up, mane
shotgun shells through the brain, ain’t been never the same
Traumatic, aight, like gettin’ hit by freight trains
Consecutively, numbers meant nothing to me
There was one, only one, who was necessary
Wake up, break up, come to insane
Wasn’t ever after, no fortune or fame
Not even foxes, had been self trained, to
never smile, play games, forget my very name
Looking in the mirror, shit’s still fucked up my brain
Try to come home, can’t get a flight on the plane
to places unknown, the rationally sane
No morals, no values, no rules makes up this game
Now I’m slavin’ for dates, pink hair, tattoos, piericings, n ‘cid change
Aint’ never be normal, aight, so why look so lame
half a mil gone like cremated remains
Ain’t never be normal, aight, why look the same
Unrecognizable, pupils torn wide, brightened eyes
all in vanity, chasing my own tail, numbed into complacency
shotgun shells through the brain, ain’t been never the same
Traumatic, aight, like gettin’ hit by freight trains
Consecutively, numbers meant nothing to me
There was one, only one, who was necessary
Wake up, break up, come to insane
Wasn’t ever after, no fortune or fame
Not even foxes, had been self trained, to
never smile, play games, forget my very name
Looking in the mirror, shit’s still fucked up my brain
Try to come home, can’t get a flight on the plane
to places unknown, the rationally sane
No morals, no values, no rules makes up this game
Now I’m slavin’ for dates, pink hair, tattoos, piericings, n ‘cid change
Aint’ never be normal, aight, so why look so lame
half a mil gone like cremated remains
Ain’t never be normal, aight, why look the same
Unrecognizable, pupils torn wide, brightened eyes
all in vanity, chasing my own tail, numbed into complacency
Runningfox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2017
- Messages
- 697
^^^^^^ THAT is fuggin Awesome kiddo!
(I'm assuming it's original )....naturally I'm partial to the bit about da FOXXXXXX
(I'm assuming it's original )....naturally I'm partial to the bit about da FOXXXXXX
ShroomySatori
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2015
- Messages
- 2,935
Yeah it's just my whiteboi freestyle lol. Oh haha I don't even know what I was saying that stuff just flows out of my spirit. I am partial foxes... I always write rhymes about foxes and foxtails and stuff like that lol with my best friend, that is how we speak to each other in strange rhymes and riddles like these. So I am fluent in silly freestyle, you see. I have a few shifts this week with the one I am chasing, and we sure have plenty to complain about our work.
So what heroin has done to me personally is this. I feel healthier, more alive, more energetic, happier, more grateful to be alive, more full of creativity and ideas for my future than ever before. I am truly happier and more able to deal with stress than ever before, and also more social and living life for each and every day because I know I won't be here forever.
However, I had a massive panic attack today and I am still trying to recover from it. Everything around me is a hurricane and a mess. Everywhere I look, I see how my heroin use has scarred my present life situation. Not who I am or how I really feel about myself, but what I have to deal with. I have made my life a lot harder for myself, and I will be picking up the pieces for years to come in order to build and arrive at the life I see for myself. That doesn't mean I can't be happy today, or have another date with this lovely foxy lady on Friday night I am sorta kinda very slowly falling in love with. It just means that I have a hell of a lot more work to do than I would have before, and not only that, I suddenly find myself 5 years older. I don't have all the time in the world, and I feel like people relapse a lot because of course, heroin would make me really numb to the extreme amount of work I find myself having to deal with. The self help stuff is done, I feel better than I ever have in my life, but the work ahead of me to clean up the abomination I created around me is going to take many years to come.
It's crazy like that. William Burroughs always said junkies look younger than they actually are, and I jive with this. I feel like I am in my early-mid 20's still, nowhere near 30 like I am. Since, all I really did was get caught up in opiates all that time and although I had jobs, inevitably I could never hold one down as there would always come a day when I was sick. The sickness is so bad I couldn't walk to work let alone function. There is so much to recover from, it can be overwhelming. It's important to have supportive friends to talk to who will really listen during this time of my life.
So what heroin has done to me personally is this. I feel healthier, more alive, more energetic, happier, more grateful to be alive, more full of creativity and ideas for my future than ever before. I am truly happier and more able to deal with stress than ever before, and also more social and living life for each and every day because I know I won't be here forever.
However, I had a massive panic attack today and I am still trying to recover from it. Everything around me is a hurricane and a mess. Everywhere I look, I see how my heroin use has scarred my present life situation. Not who I am or how I really feel about myself, but what I have to deal with. I have made my life a lot harder for myself, and I will be picking up the pieces for years to come in order to build and arrive at the life I see for myself. That doesn't mean I can't be happy today, or have another date with this lovely foxy lady on Friday night I am sorta kinda very slowly falling in love with. It just means that I have a hell of a lot more work to do than I would have before, and not only that, I suddenly find myself 5 years older. I don't have all the time in the world, and I feel like people relapse a lot because of course, heroin would make me really numb to the extreme amount of work I find myself having to deal with. The self help stuff is done, I feel better than I ever have in my life, but the work ahead of me to clean up the abomination I created around me is going to take many years to come.
It's crazy like that. William Burroughs always said junkies look younger than they actually are, and I jive with this. I feel like I am in my early-mid 20's still, nowhere near 30 like I am. Since, all I really did was get caught up in opiates all that time and although I had jobs, inevitably I could never hold one down as there would always come a day when I was sick. The sickness is so bad I couldn't walk to work let alone function. There is so much to recover from, it can be overwhelming. It's important to have supportive friends to talk to who will really listen during this time of my life.
Runningfox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2017
- Messages
- 697
I can certainly imagine the Picking Up the Pieces task gettin a bit daunting at times. Look at it this way --- you survived the past 5 years for a Reason. So take things one at a time, slowly.... none of us know how long the Universe or God is giving us -- so yes ...Make plans for the future yet Relish each moment the best ya can and most of all Go Slowly.
Getting too overwhelmed may lead to trouble.
I imagine whatever point we are at, age-wise, maturity level, coping skills, Life skills -- it ALL gets arrested for the time we are "down the rabbit hole". Not only kids, or developing teens, but even young adults, mid-adults and the older users : When we Numb our bodies and Mask our emotions, for that whole time we likely are "on hold". No true growth is taking place.
Then when we crawl out and do as you're doing, kinda Survey the Damage its like, "HOLY HELL!"
the sames been going on for me. I look around n wonder, "when did THIS change?" Or... "how do I NOT remember THAT happening? "
It's like growth-wise we are frozen, during active addiction. When we Recover, bit by bit it truly Is like a wreck victim learning to walk or a stroke patient learning to talk all over again.
We gotta dig down and FIND the lessons that particular life experience of having been in active addiction, is meant to Teach us.
I kinda figure EVERY experience is a learning experience ..... it all takes a wad of time. And the Universe has given us just that--- Time, to figure it all out and discover or Create, who we are.
Getting too overwhelmed may lead to trouble.
I imagine whatever point we are at, age-wise, maturity level, coping skills, Life skills -- it ALL gets arrested for the time we are "down the rabbit hole". Not only kids, or developing teens, but even young adults, mid-adults and the older users : When we Numb our bodies and Mask our emotions, for that whole time we likely are "on hold". No true growth is taking place.
Then when we crawl out and do as you're doing, kinda Survey the Damage its like, "HOLY HELL!"
the sames been going on for me. I look around n wonder, "when did THIS change?" Or... "how do I NOT remember THAT happening? "
It's like growth-wise we are frozen, during active addiction. When we Recover, bit by bit it truly Is like a wreck victim learning to walk or a stroke patient learning to talk all over again.
We gotta dig down and FIND the lessons that particular life experience of having been in active addiction, is meant to Teach us.
I kinda figure EVERY experience is a learning experience ..... it all takes a wad of time. And the Universe has given us just that--- Time, to figure it all out and discover or Create, who we are.
ShroomySatori
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2015
- Messages
- 2,935
That is what I have been experiencing. You put that nicely. Was just imagining a fox crawling out of hibernation and surveying a burnt down forest... lol. I am not too worried about picking up the pieces, what matters is my present state of mind.
I learned and grew more from deciding to quit and going through with it, that it more than made up for those 5 years of stagnating while numb. I am a completely different person now and without putting myself through that, I don't know if I ever could have reached my full potential.
Today, I know that I can. It's already happening, just going to take a while but that part doesn't matter so much since I have already reached a degree of acceptance which is wonderful. I think it's what you are saying, except with different words and the acute recovery for me happened really fast. It started happening before I started to try and quit. Within a few weeks I felt completely normal and more alive and happier, healthier than I've ever felt in my life. There is nothing more I need to know about myself in order to reach my full potential. It's more of a matter of following through with it at this point. But yeah... for quite a while I couldn't get out of bed. Kept relapsing and all that, I spent around half this year in bed suffering withdrawals. Worst time of my life... but afterwards, it has been like an explosion of positivity energy that has somehow been tapped into. It is the fruit of making myself suffer like that... as you say there is a reason for it. I am someone with a lot of potential, and I was wasting it away. I'm not anymore, and for some reason I had to put myself through that to get where I am emotionally and spiritually, which has never been better. That is why I am chasing after foxes so much and they don't seem to mind ... I feel free. Really free spirited these days. Happy, despite the struggles.
It is true that we create our own realities. I am creating who I am more and more, so that it is manifesting externally now and it is such a beautiful thing. It is manifesting as my new friends, my appearance, comfort around women, new job, sense of responsibility and not wasting too much time, so many ways I see the world around me beginning to change in so many positive ways... all I have to do is look at my bedroom to see. Now my appearance is getting a little crazy lol... I am going to bleach my hair and dye it bright light wavy pink or vivid blue or maybe both... maybe have like one tail of hair kept longer and tied up at a weird angle lol. And I am getting a triple conch piercing in my other ear after getting 2 in my other (they are deep cartilage ones, take like a year to heal but so damn cool to me). I don't want to resemble who I used to be, I need as much change as possible. I have several tattoo ideas my friend is sketching up. The fox I am chasing after used to do a lot of modelling, is really into fashion and stuff and she gets enthusiastic about this kind of creative expression which is really cool, she is chill like that, as I've had past girlfriends who didn't like that aspect of myself. But that is me. She cuts her own hair, I'm pretty sure she can make this ridiculous hairstyle I have in mind come into fruition... in fact I would trust her over anyone for that. That's pretty sweet!
I learned and grew more from deciding to quit and going through with it, that it more than made up for those 5 years of stagnating while numb. I am a completely different person now and without putting myself through that, I don't know if I ever could have reached my full potential.
Today, I know that I can. It's already happening, just going to take a while but that part doesn't matter so much since I have already reached a degree of acceptance which is wonderful. I think it's what you are saying, except with different words and the acute recovery for me happened really fast. It started happening before I started to try and quit. Within a few weeks I felt completely normal and more alive and happier, healthier than I've ever felt in my life. There is nothing more I need to know about myself in order to reach my full potential. It's more of a matter of following through with it at this point. But yeah... for quite a while I couldn't get out of bed. Kept relapsing and all that, I spent around half this year in bed suffering withdrawals. Worst time of my life... but afterwards, it has been like an explosion of positivity energy that has somehow been tapped into. It is the fruit of making myself suffer like that... as you say there is a reason for it. I am someone with a lot of potential, and I was wasting it away. I'm not anymore, and for some reason I had to put myself through that to get where I am emotionally and spiritually, which has never been better. That is why I am chasing after foxes so much and they don't seem to mind
... I feel free. Really free spirited these days. Happy, despite the struggles.It is true that we create our own realities. I am creating who I am more and more, so that it is manifesting externally now and it is such a beautiful thing. It is manifesting as my new friends, my appearance, comfort around women, new job, sense of responsibility and not wasting too much time, so many ways I see the world around me beginning to change in so many positive ways... all I have to do is look at my bedroom to see. Now my appearance is getting a little crazy lol... I am going to bleach my hair and dye it bright light wavy pink or vivid blue or maybe both... maybe have like one tail of hair kept longer and tied up at a weird angle lol. And I am getting a triple conch piercing in my other ear after getting 2 in my other (they are deep cartilage ones, take like a year to heal but so damn cool to me). I don't want to resemble who I used to be, I need as much change as possible. I have several tattoo ideas my friend is sketching up. The fox I am chasing after used to do a lot of modelling, is really into fashion and stuff and she gets enthusiastic about this kind of creative expression which is really cool, she is chill like that, as I've had past girlfriends who didn't like that aspect of myself. But that is me. She cuts her own hair, I'm pretty sure she can make this ridiculous hairstyle I have in mind come into fruition... in fact I would trust her over anyone for that. That's pretty sweet!
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ShroomySatori
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2015
- Messages
- 2,935
I like the way you think:D
It is silly you are typing while you are analyzing your own thought process.
Runningfox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2017
- Messages
- 697
^^^ self-talk.
I have a cat whom, in his kittenhood would always engage in self talk while toileting. He's all grown up n big now so he only self talks when he's upset now. Like if someone tipped over the ottoman or mommy's cell phone got ripped across the room, charger attached , during the night. Shorty cries about it and Willie sits next to the scene of the crime, until I arrive n set it all to Rights again.
I engage in self talk constantly. (Well perhaps not while toileting). I will walk into the grocery Mart realizing I forgot my list and I simply cuss myself out. Sure, people look. Fuck'm.
I have a cat whom, in his kittenhood would always engage in self talk while toileting. He's all grown up n big now so he only self talks when he's upset now. Like if someone tipped over the ottoman or mommy's cell phone got ripped across the room, charger attached , during the night. Shorty cries about it and Willie sits next to the scene of the crime, until I arrive n set it all to Rights again.
I engage in self talk constantly. (Well perhaps not while toileting). I will walk into the grocery Mart realizing I forgot my list and I simply cuss myself out. Sure, people look. Fuck'm.
opiumhashish
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2016
- Messages
- 17
no, if someone has to ask whether they should try it then they are not in need of the drug in there life and therefor should not try it, no one should ever use heroin for the high or because they want to try something new or because it sounds fun, people use heroin to deal with deep emotional and physical pain i.e sexual assault, extreme domestic abuse, neglect throughout childhood, 10 year relationships with the love of there life they find out there partner has been cheating on them for 5 of them years etc my point is whatever the reason, people use heroin because they are in pain, with the greatest of respect anyone who tries heroin because it seems fun or they want to see what the fuss is about or they want to try something new are idiots and deserve the consequences of the drug.. if you abuse a drug for any reason other then to cope with life or to cope/ manage pain emotional or physical, you are stupid and probably a teenager and if you go ahead and try it anyway me and alot of other people have no sympathy if you get an awful habit, loose everything and eventually take too much one day.. People who take drugs to be cool or for fun are the lowest of the low when it comes to users and i have no respect for them because to me, it belittles all the people using it for a deep struggle and when you (who ever this applies too) get an addiction and do crime and become nasty people because of your habit just remember you did it to yourself and you didn't get a habit behind your own back and maybe thats the time to sit and think why you started in the first place and realize what a silly person you are and how you have ruined your life for one of the reasons i have previously stated, on the other side of the coin, if you want to try it because of any form of pain you are in, go through all the different types of therapy and medications they offer for the specific problem you have before you ever consider turning to an illegal, unregulated and harmful drug! diamorphine commands respect, if you don't respect it.. it WILL kill you!
theirs my 2 pence,
OHH
theirs my 2 pence,
OHH
Erikmen
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- May 3, 2014
- Messages
- 20,708
I agree it's very intense to depend on heroin. It destroys everything we love, including our own families. Heroin and opiates destroyed my life for decades and even being functional and with no problems with money I became someone else. Deep inside I would only care about being numbed and warm. The peaceful feelings may once have given an impression of me being a good calm person but that was not who I was. And at some point life becomes pointless and all you see is suffering and no way out.
What is going on with all of the aggression, hostility and name-calling?
Hostility towards a large group of people, who are in that group for millions of different reasons? Different stories that one will never know, different backgrounds, different paths to addiction... yet we feel it’s okay to lump them all together as a group and just insult the living hell out of them.
Hostility towards a large group of people, who are in that group for millions of different reasons? Different stories that one will never know, different backgrounds, different paths to addiction... yet we feel it’s okay to lump them all together as a group and just insult the living hell out of them.